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Old 15th February 2015, 02:40 PM   #1
TheUnknownMan
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Torn Marriage Due To Living Locations

Hello,

This is my first post here, thanks for reading and helping.

I've been married for 14 years, we have three children, all at home with us. I met my wife while living in a state that my mother brought me too when I was a child. After years of arguing, we finally moved to another state. My wife does not like it here, and I hate where she wants to live, it's tearing us apart. How can we fix this issue without divorcing? To make things worse, her mother is always bashing on her to return.

Please comment, I'll be waiting.
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Old 15th February 2015, 09:05 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Torn Marriage Due To Living Locations

How long have you lived there, and has your wife made any effort to make friends and settle there? Why did you leave the start you were living in?
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Old 20th February 2015, 09:14 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Torn Marriage Due To Living Locations

I think she should follow you but you in turn must consider her needs. It will have to be a compromise in the end probably. Really her mother is not in the equation as it's your marriage not hers. Not to say she shouldn't be honoured but you shouldn't be controlled by her.
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Old 21st February 2015, 02:58 AM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: Torn Marriage Due To Living Locations

People make the place where they live happy. If we carry around our own little bubble of misery, than one could be unhappy in Paradise. I had to learn to live in a great many places because of my husbands' job demands. I sure did not want to be in some places and we often lived without comforts we had elsewhere. We lived in cramped apartments and in a city where I had to learn the language to shop. Yet, we had wonderful experiences as we went along.

We learned to feel at home because we made it good to be there. We were used to hard work to repaint, wallpaper, and redo the apartments everywhere. We often lived in places that were pretty primitive so we learned to live without some comforts during those times. We made friends and explored the cities and I managed well when my husband worked out of area. It all enriched our lives.

One apartment had such horrible wallpaper that it looked like nightmare rabbits leaped across the wall. That was so bad we had to buy paint and paper right away, even before the boxes got unpacked. We can still laugh about the worlds' ugliest wallpaper.

Choose to be happy where you are for now. Do your best to find nearby places to explore with your kids. Pack box lunches and use weekends for pleasant day trips.

I could have made my husband pretty miserable and guilty if I complained in those years. We learned to make the best of everywhere we lived. Find the parks and nature areas. Visit the libraries, museums, and historical areas and learn the local history. Be content where you are now. Happiness comes from within. You don't need to please her mother, as that may not be the best for all of you.

Don't ever say the word divorce. What are you arguing about? If you are not content about your location, you work out the problems!. Three kids and you think divorce? What else is going on in your household? Location is not a reason for divorce...ever.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st February 2015 at 03:05 AM.
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Old 21st February 2015, 03:25 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Torn Marriage Due To Living Locations

I agree with 1aokgal, living somewhere new is what we make of it. We can make the effort to get to know people, join clubs, take up hobbies, take the children to clubs and sports, explore the area etc etc, or we can refuse to make any effort at all and be miserable and lonely. I have also lived in several different places and its highly likely that we will soon be moving away to another part of the country due to the fact that my husband may have a good research job at a university there.
Will that be easy, especially at our age(late 50's)? Not after having lived in this area for 30 years, where I have some lovely friends, not being that its further away from all my children and other family members, BUT its also pretty exciting, a new challenge and fresh start somewhere that neither of us know, a new church, new places to explore, near the coast, new people to get to know, and we are pretty sure that God is in it.
As I said we can make the best of it or we can moan and complain.
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Old 21st February 2015, 06:03 PM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: Torn Marriage Due To Living Locations

Chosen, you know the journey of life is about the love we bear for our spouse and family. We overcome the challenge of location and make new memories that enrich life together anywhere. Couples who come from different cultures often have a big challenge to live together sometimes in another country. When that is where we go, we learn to adapt and accept new customs. Early, with my husbands' family, I relied on him to translate until I was able to learn a language and adapt to a different culture. His family became the ones who were kind and accepting, more than my own alienated and often unkind, family. I miss them very much today since they have passed.

My choice was to follow the man I loved, live in his homeland, and make a good life with him there. It is what we do as women, to make the home and be the beacon for our man, for when he comes home. My husband always tells me I am the beacon he follows, like the lighthouse. The wife has to be the strong one who binds the family together. That means we must stay healthy and don't allow poor thinking to rob us of the strength we need to support our man.

People are warm and friendly everywhere when we reach out. You have an great opportunity to use your life skills to support your husband in his work and make a new home with him where you go. Since you are especially one who carries your sunshine with you, you are rich in the love you share with your husband. That strength in you, will grow in your new home, as it has in the years you have been together. I think you will have some challenges to leave your established area, but you will have some great memories to tell your grand children. Lucky we no longer makes these trips forward in a wagon train!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 21st February 2015 at 06:26 PM.
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Old 21st February 2015, 06:35 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: Torn Marriage Due To Living Locations

Thank you, and I do feel that God has been preparing me for a move for 2 or 3 years now, He is very good like that. It may not even be through this particular job(although we feel it may be and are praying it will be)but we are pretty sure we will be going somewhere other than here.
We are fortunate in that we will be finding a new church, and that is a good way to get to know people in a new place.
Its sort of exciting and scary at the same time but we are open to the challenge. Mind you DH moved here from OZ in his late 20's, so this would be a local move to him!!!
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Old 22nd February 2015, 01:02 AM   #8
1aokgal
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Re: Torn Marriage Due To Living Locations

Chosen, sometimes we become so comfortable in our set pattern we don't realize that we cease to grow and reach out for new meaning and purpose in what we do. Since you both nurture others in your faith and church, wherever you go as newbies, you will soon become leaders. I'm sure that will be exciting as you reach your full potential in these most important years.

I still struggle with the time my husband is usually gone for several months at a time. Today I would say. "Now is the winter of my discontent"... (said Shakespeare) if I did not fill this cold, gloomy winter with worthwhile efforts and projects.. I would be discontented indeed. I am no happy camper at the long separations, but I never put it onto him, as he thinks I am stoic. How little does he know about that!

We are never together long enough to find something to argue about! We also think too much alike on most major issues, so we can't find points to belabor an opposite viewpoint. Do we miss out on lots of anger over trifles and the chance to make up later? That is too darn much drama!

I don't know why young couples find it difficult to compromise! They are lucky to be able to spend time together and find things they enjoy to do. What happens when couples are not grateful for good health and the time to be together? That almost tempts fate that perhaps one day they may have to deal with really serious issues. I think we all need to be grateful for our blessings, since life is so fragile and time is precious. We must value the time to love.

I hope this young couple can remember what brought them together. Where did the love go that UnknownMan thinks life would be better without his wife and children?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 24th February 2015 at 08:38 PM.
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