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Old 23rd January 2014, 01:31 PM   #301
magneto
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Funny the divorce rate in arranged marriages seems to be only 4%.

I suppose if you didn't love the person you was arranged with you just had to learn to. That was part of how it worked I suppose.
Not sure where you got that number from, but I would think if you and spouse were put together buy your parents, some might feel an obligation to stay together regardless of the circumstances. As far as love, the people from other cultures/relegions I know who had arranged marriages barely even know their spouse let alone love them. Those I know who felt pressure to marry within the church know each other, but love each other is a different story.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 01:39 PM   #302
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Your interpretation is that it is different, but I know people, some clergy who think it is one in the same (adultery of the mind and adultery of the flesh). My point to that was simply that christians have many views on the same topics (pick and choose) and decide what to interpret or take verbatim based on their leadership or own thoughts.
I have never heard anyone who thinks its the same, other wise every time we look at an attractive person for more than 3 seconds our spouse could divorce us. Just because one weird pastor may think that means nothing. We are supposed to think for ourselves and not believe everything we are told.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 01:42 PM   #303
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I have no idea what your talking about... I never said i was forced into anything. I was just asking a hypothetical question. I know people who had tremendous pressure to marry within the church. I wasn't talking about myself.
Well if anyone had tried to force me into a marriage I would have resisted. We all have free will.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 02:47 PM   #304
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I have never heard anyone who thinks its the same, other wise every time we look at an attractive person for more than 3 seconds our spouse could divorce us. Just because one weird pastor may think that means nothing. We are supposed to think for ourselves and not believe everything we are told.
weird pastor? really. so if someone believes different than you they are considered weird. I have talked to people who think that there are no biblical grounds for divorce. Does that make them weird? People believe what they want, and it's to the individual to choose how to proceed.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 02:49 PM   #305
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Well if anyone had tried to force me into a marriage I would have resisted. We all have free will.
So you never felt pressure, peer or otherwise, to do something you didn't really want to do? Then later regret you did it.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 02:57 PM   #306
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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weird pastor? really. so if someone believes different than you they are considered weird. I have talked to people who think that there are no biblical grounds for divorce. Does that make them weird? People believe what they want, and it's to the individual to choose how to proceed.
Jesus himself says that there are grounds for divorce in the gospels so they are wrong.
If lusting was grounds for divorce then most people would have grounds. I suspect that if you actually asked that pastor if you could divorce your wife because she looks too long at good looking men, he would give you a firm "of course not". The sex act seals the marriage covenant, and that is what it takes to break it, sexual imorality.

Yes it is up to the individual, we all have free will, but if they are following God then surely they will want to do what he advises and says.
Where does it say anywhere that we can end a marriage because we dont love our spouse in the way we want to or in the way we think we should?
In fact, God commands husbands to love their wives as He loves the church. That means it is a decision to love and not a feeling. Wives are told to respect their husbands and to submit to them. Do you honestly think that women always 'feel' like treating their husbands with respect and submitting to them when needed? Of course not, especially if the husband isn't acting in a way that makes them want to respect him. Its not dependant on feelings, but on how we are to treat our spouses and children.

Last edited by chosen; 23rd January 2014 at 03:07 PM.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 02:59 PM   #307
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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So you never felt pressure, peer or otherwise, to do something you didn't really want to do? Then later regret you did it.
Cant think of any examples, but definitely not in anything important no. Definitely not to marry. Its far too important to do just to please someone else.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 03:18 PM   #308
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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So you never felt pressure, peer or otherwise, to do something you didn't really want to do? Then later regret you did it.
MY husband married his first wife because he thought at the time that she was the one God wanted for him and because he wanted to get married and wasn't very good with women generally so had had few girlfriends. Her visa had nearly run out in OZ, so they had to get married only 6 months after the engagement. Looking back now he knows it was rushed and that it probably wasnt what God wanted for him, but that's life, he married her anyway, and got on with life and having children and marriage.

It was never a good marriage and he was never really happy, BUT he had made promises to her before God and he was going to keep them. He would never have ended the marriage, but she met another man and ended it anyway after 23 years. If she hadn't done that he would still be married 9 years on. He doesn't believe in divorce, but had no choice because she divorced him. he felt very guilty after the divorce even though she had done it and not him.

What I am trying to say is that if you have made promises is it ok to just break them because you dont love her 'enough'? How much do you value the promises that you made till death do us part and for better and for worse? Did you not mean what you said?. Do you feel its ok to abandon your family because you think you made a mistake? Where does commitment and responsibility come in to it?
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Old 23rd January 2014, 03:57 PM   #309
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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How much do you value the promises that you made till death do us part and for better and for worse? Did you not mean what you said?. Do you feel its ok to abandon your family because you think you made a mistake? Where does commitment and responsibility come in to it?
I don't look at it as "i made a mistake". I made a choice. At the time it was the what i thought was the right choice. I married young, and even though it's not an excuse, "till death do us part" at that time over 20 years ago meant nothing like it does now. Those vows mean more as you get older and appreciate them for what they are. If I knew what I know now would I have married...No. That's not because I don't love her, it's because when I was young certain things didn't matter as much. As you grow, so does your view and knowledge of the world. Saying all that, I do not regret marrying her. She is not a horrible person. I'm blessed to have great children. I would never take that back. We have both become so unhappy with each other that, at least for me, I don't see a way back. I just can't see continuing on the current path of me being unhappy, her being unhappy, and the kids seeing the tension and unloving relationship me and her have. No, it doesn't say I can divorce for not being happy, but I am. My choice, and I know God will judge me for that if he so chooses. But if my kids are happier, and my wife finds happiness again than it's worth it to me. Your husband would have been married and miserable all those years for what? That is just insane. It's as crazy as my mom staying with my dad and not fulfilling all she wanted in life. I'm not making a decision because I think it's just good for me, but a decision that I think is best for everyone involved in the long run. I'm not abandoning anyone, let alone doing it because I think I made a mistake.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 04:41 PM   #310
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

However I believe that your wife doesn't want a divorce?

My husband believes that marriage is for life, and that is what he lives out.
He doesn't believe that you can end a marriage just because it hasn't worked out to be what you though it would be. He believes that you make the best of what you have, thank God for the many blessings and be content with your life as it is. That you treat each other with love and respect no matter what your feelings say. He believes in keeping promises made, and that it is far more important to do what God says than to do what we want.
Many Christians believe that if you end a marriage with no Biblical reason, that you cannot marry again because you are effectively still married in Gods eyes, and that if you do marry again you will be committing adultery.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 05:44 PM   #311
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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However I believe that your wife doesn't want a divorce?

My husband believes that marriage is for life, and that is what he lives out.
He doesn't believe that you can end a marriage just because it hasn't worked out to be what you though it would be. He believes that you make the best of what you have, thank God for the many blessings and be content with your life as it is. That you treat each other with love and respect no matter what your feelings say. He believes in keeping promises made, and that it is far more important to do what God says than to do what we want.
Many Christians believe that if you end a marriage with no Biblical reason, that you cannot marry again because you are effectively still married in Gods eyes, and that if you do marry again you will be committing adultery.
I respect that your husband feels that away. I just don't agree. I just don't believe God wants anyone to live an unhappy and unfulfilled life. And from a bible standpoint they are correct about remarrying and it being considered adultery. However, i have never as a christian met a minister that would not remarry a person because they were divorced no matter what the reason. I know catholic priest that would have an issue though. So, again as christians we follow one part of the bible (can't divorce other than adultery), but not the other ( can't remarry because it would be adultery.)

Last edited by magneto; 23rd January 2014 at 06:33 PM.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 06:28 PM   #312
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Your interpretation is that it is different, but I know people, some clergy who think it is one in the same (adultery of the mind and adultery of the flesh). My point to that was simply that christians have many views on the same topics (pick and choose) and decide what to interpret or take verbatim based on their leadership or own thoughts.
It is true that we have to choose what is right and wrong. That is up to us I suppose. Christianity has never been a legal thing or shouldn't be. Nevertheless most of the word is pretty obvious.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 06:49 PM   #313
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I respect that your husband feels that away. I just don't agree. I just don't believe God wants anyone to live an unhappy and unfulfilled life. And from a bible standpoint they are correct about remarrying and it being considered adultery. However, i have never as a christian met a minister that would not remarry a person because they were divorced no matter what the reason. I know catholic priest that would have an issue though. So, again as christians we follow one part of the bible (can't divorce other than adultery), but not the other ( can't remarry because it would be adultery.)

Yet again you are going by what some priests will or wont do, and not by what the Bible says. I do know pastors who wouldn't marry all those who have been divorced. Never go by what others say but study it for yourself.

God never says that we will all be happy all our lives. God never said that we will love our spouses all our lives. People could use that as an excuse to do anything. IE "I love this other person so I can leave my spouse and children, because after all God wants me to be happy" WHAT???
We will never be happy or at peace if we disobey Him. Have you considered a separation? Maybe even a legal one? Of course neither of you would be able to remarry, but then you cant Biblically anyway.
This is a time of testing for you and of trusting God, and of looking to Him for more of your happiness and peace.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 06:51 PM   #314
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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It is true that we have to choose what is right and wrong. That is up to us I suppose. Christianity has never been a legal thing or shouldn't be. Nevertheless most of the word is pretty obvious.
NO but in my life its has been proved time and time again that God always knows best. We go against his guidance and instruction at our peril. There are always consequences to our actions for good or for bad.
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Old 23rd January 2014, 07:15 PM   #315
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Yet again you are going by what some priests will or wont do, and not by what the Bible says. I do know pastors who wouldn't marry all those who have been divorced. Never go by what others say but study it for yourself.

God never says that we will all be happy all our lives. God never said that we will love our spouses all our lives. People could use that as an excuse to do anything. IE "I love this other person so I can leave my spouse and children, because after all God wants me to be happy" WHAT???
We will never be happy or at peace if we disobey Him. Have you considered a separation? Maybe even a legal one? Of course neither of you would be able to remarry, but then you cant Biblically anyway.
This is a time of testing for you and of trusting God, and of looking to Him for more of your happiness and peace.
I'm not going by what some say, I'm just using this as another example of how the beliefs in christianity are not cut and dry, and followed the same by all who do believe. We have been seperated for 5 months and counting. I'm not sure I would ever remarry, but if I found someone I wouldn't not get married because of the biblical aspect.
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