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Old 3rd October 2011, 06:05 PM   #76
Itsasecret
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Quote:
Originally Posted by squeeky View Post
Hi Goodnall, Yes, I'm still married too. I know exactly what you're talking about-- I would do anything for my kids and I would even give up my own life as you have expressed.

As you know these are very complicated feelings with many different layers and with varying degrees of ambiguity and doubt that ebb and flow with the vicissitudes of life.

I have had to ask myself, do I NOT love my wife or is there some other area of my life that I do not love? Think about that for awhile......... What is it that has called into question your love of your wife? Is it because you work with someone who is better looking, more sophisticated or otherwise more desirable for you at the stage of life that you're in right now? Or do you picture yourself with someone who more perfectly embodies the spouse you want? Is it because you haven't achieved something you think you could have otherwise have achieved had you not married your wife? Are you not doing something that you think you would be doing if you were not married. Think about this for awhile.

When I contemplate this, I am forced to admit that I am attracted to the notion of finding someone more attractive. That isn't to say that my wife isn't attractive but you probably know what I mean. For me, I want someone I can grow old with and be proud of and always be attracted to--someone with whom I have more in common and someone who I can be passionately and romantically in love with.

It is easy to assume that I could meet and love someone with infinitely better qualities than my wife--that's the nature of a fantasy. This is where I have to stop and remind myself that I made a commitment to my wife and my kids and that the reality of the matter is that what I have imagined as the ideal spouse probably doesn't exist. I need to make things work.

When I look for faults I can find them. When I don't, I am less likely to find them. I am more likely to think about her faults or to think that I am unhappy when doubt about my love creeps in. This tends to happen after an argument or after I see someone that I think I would like to be with. Sure, I wish I had made a different decision but couldn't that be said of any decision when you think that a different decision "could" have brought you more of what you desire at this moment in time?

Here is an analogy. If you had an opportunity to buy a lottery ticket but didn't, would you be upset? Your answer is probably, "Depends on whether the ticket would have won or not", right? This would require clairvoyance or some other way to see into the future. Unfortunately we don't have that luxury-- we have to make decisions and see what the outcome is with no way of undoing our decisions. Does it bother you that you may have won the lottery but didn't buy the ticket?-- I am asking assuming you aren't a chronic gambler You have to play the game in order to know. But I can't help to think (using the lottery analogy) that maybe if I had played a different number or bought another ticket that I may have won (e.g, maybe I could have married a different person or maybe I can find a better person).

In the end I have had to admit and I'm trying to believe that I made the right decision and that any other decision could have resulted in the same feelings of doubt. I am trying to turn these feelings of doubt inward for some introspection. I'm trying to answer questions like, what makes me unhappy? Can I change it? What is the price I would have to pay to change it? Am I certain that I can change it? And I keep coming back to the answer that I simply can't justify leaving my wife for some notion of romantic love or passion that may or may not be achieved.

So for me, the answer has been to stay and to try and work at it. I wish I could say that I am happy all the time but I can't. I wish I could say that my mind doesn't consider alternatives but I can't. I wish I could say that I have been able to put it out of my mind that a more perfect spouse exists for me but I can't. But what I can do is to stay positive, reduce arguments and hold on hoping for a more perfect future.

Best of luck!

Sqeeky are you still online? I really would like to know how life turned out for you now. I am in a similar situation and need to hear from as many people as possible who took the decision to stay or leave in teh past so i can gauge which one seems to be the better choice. Its amazing how many people are in these situations. Something deeply troubling that our socety is in this state
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Old 4th October 2011, 09:33 AM   #77
ultimax
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hi,

I too am in a similar situation, and this thread has been nothing short of amazing. I've been married for just over a month, and for the past week or so, I've spent quite a lot of time contemplating my decision, and going online to forums seeking advice. It doesn't help that following marriage, I recloated to London without major plans for 3 months. And a whole of things happened before the wedding (including cancer). It's been quite a ride.

I've posted at Weddingbees, a US site, and found some helpful information. My story and thoughts can be read here:

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/n...e-wrong-person

But this thread has by far been the most powerful because many of those who have participated have articulated very similar sentiments to what I have now.

I'm Christian, so I really want to make things work. But I'm a new believer, so I guess my faith isn't as strong as it could be, which makes contemplating other options so easy.

Squeeky's post about thinking about the alternatives and being attracted or seduced by the possibility that there's always something/someone else out there hit home. But it's a gamble, a risk. And an early post also mentioned that the problems could follow me wherever I go.

In my case, I think the root of the problem is me. I'm depressed. I'm trying to master my own thinking. I try to focus on unconditional love, service to my wife and seeing how being in this difficult relationship may help me grow as a person. It works sometimes, but it's so hard other times, especially when you're emotional. Or you see something going on in another relationship which you wish you had, namely that spark, passion or romantic attraction.

I'm posting this in the morning. I woke up after bad sleep (has been like this for a while). As I was reading the thread, my wife woke, and first thing she did after she woke up was to come by and hug me and be quite affectionate. She knows I'm going through depression, and I've spoken to her about how I feel. In fact, about 2 weeks ago, in a major melt-down, I suggested we annul our marriage. This devestated her, but we talked through it. Practically speaking, being overseas, with so much already invested, it isn't a realistic option anyway (though that adds sometimes to my misery because I feel I've boxed myself into a corner).

After the hug, we had a short chat where I apologised for just being down and not the best husband. She said she's not going anywhere, that she really loves me. And that I shouldn't have unrealistic expectations of each day, and to take things one thing at a time. She was speaking to my depression. I'm been careful not to bring up the fact that I don't always feel a spark with her, which is a contributor to the depression. For me, I woke up this morning and one of my first thoughts (again) was whether we were meant to be together, or if we were compatible. I hate feeling this way. I really do.

As I mentioned earlier, I've spent the better part of my stay in London just reading marriage threads. Without friends, a community or much to do beyond housework and cooking, I've got a fair amount of time on my hand. The depression doesn't help. I'm planning on getting out of the house by myself to explore London. I've also got some social activities lined up. Hopefully I'll make friends and when all that falls into place, my relationship problems won't keep playing in my head like an endless voice in an echo chamber.

I've also purchased so many books which I hope will help me. One, "What if I married the wrong person: Help and Hope on the Question Nearly Every Couple Asks," was really good in breaking down and addressing possible reasons why you regret your marriage. But it doesn't really talk about recreating that spark which I crave and envy when I see it in other couples.

I bought another, "I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship," which has good reviews on Amazon. Now this title seems to talk specifically about what many of us in this thread are going through, where we don't really mind the individual, love them perhaps as a friend, but no longer feel "romantic" love. I look forward to reading it.

Anyway, if Squeeky is still around, I'd love to hear how things have progress. It's been 5 years since he last posted. He's already offered so much insight, I'd love to get more.
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Old 4th October 2011, 05:55 PM   #78
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I think you need to make the right decision initially in the sense of having the right motive. Certainly not to just get married for the sake of it. One needs the initial chemistry as well.

Apart from that one has to work on it as well even if it is the so-called right person. Most of us will marry the right person if we use our head as well as our heart but I do not think there is anything ultra mysterious about this. I think I married the right person but we still have our faults which we are working on. I think marriages are successful where there is commitment and faithfulness which is a moral thing really.

Sorry mistake here. I answered a comment at the end of page one without checking page two and three.
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Old 5th October 2011, 09:51 AM   #79
Chamomile
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hi

I agree with Raymond. We all need to continue to work on marriage. It's a work in progress.

My frank view on these posts written by ultimax or Isasecret: why don't you talk to your wife, instead of spending hours studying the subject, researching and writing an essay about? Sometimes, you would need to confront the issue WITH your wife, who may not realize you are unhappy. People who stay married do so because they work on things proactively.
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Old 6th October 2011, 10:07 AM   #80
abely
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Hi

I agree with Raymond. We all need to continue to work on marriage. It's a work in progress.

My frank view on these posts written by ultimax or Isasecret: why don't you talk to your wife, instead of spending hours studying the subject, researching and writing an essay about? Sometimes, you would need to confront the issue WITH your wife, who may not realize you are unhappy. People who stay married do so because they work on things proactively.
you can get the right idea for business... and do everything to set up... but its not going to be successful if you dont work hard on it every single day... same as marriage... you find the right person you do everything to be with them... but then you need to keep working at it every single day to keep that marriage a live and successful ...
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Old 6th October 2011, 10:13 AM   #81
Chamomile
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Abely

Indeedy!
We are all in the same shoes, really. That's why I'm here.. We all make mistakes every day and nothing is perfect, it's just a work in progress as Raymond said something similar on other thread.
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Old 21st August 2013, 01:34 PM   #82
gael
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Hi, I am in a similar situation. I recently got married last month and I am really struggling.
I started dating my wife 18 months ago, but I never really attracted to her. I think the reason was that I was the only one in my friends circle that was single and was feeling the pressure. And I knew she really liked me. Anyhow the next 18 months were casual and good, I'm a fun outward person, whilst she lacks confidence, which I have always tried to help her with, so I was the one making jokes. .

Then she became friends with all of my friends wives and girlfriends and it got harder to break up, and I kept on trying to convince myself that this would work as it made sense on paper.
Earlier this year I moved to the middle east without her, and this was going to be my true test as if I missed her then I would know. I was faithful to her, and missed her on occasions, but I think this in hindsight was just homesickness.

Anyhow, in may this year, on a visit back home she told me that she is struggling to ovulate after a random test, and therefore couldn't have kids. I told her to get tested and we had unprotected sex. In June she told me was pregnant. Now being both Muslims, this was a massive sin, and one which I deeply regret as I feel guilty about. So we decided to rush through an islamic marriage (not legally recognized in the uk). A few days before the wedding we went thru with a termination, as we found out that if she was to come to the middle east legally unmarried and pregnant, then she would be deported or arrested.

This was initially a relief to me as it would have brought immense shame to our families, and I didn't want to be the reason for that, as my parents especially had been thru enough.

Now we're married and living together, and that little spark that we had whilst dating has completely gone. I can she loves me so much and I don't feel the same way and am very cold, although I try not to. I wake up everyday with knots in my stomach thinking "how have I ended up here?", and go into a negative spiral, and focus on everything I don't like about her, and then start thinking about ex girlfriends which I know is wrong (started reminded myself that they are exes for a reason). I spoke to her and said I was struggling with adjusting to marriage and could see her retreat back, and then I feel really guilty as I can see her little confidence disappearing. This is supposed to be the happiest time of her life and I am failing her as her husband. I want to make it work, but do not want to ruin either of our lives especially if we have fertility issues (I'm 29, and she is 31)

The last couple of days, I have been forcing myself to focus on positives, so whenever something negative comes in my mind i try to block it, but it is difficult. And I don't know how long I can keep it up.
I have never felt so low in all my life, and people around me are noticing that I am not myself.

I dont know what to do really and not sure what I am expecting from this post, but perhaps a place to vent will help. I will continue to pray that God can guide me thru this...
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Old 21st August 2013, 03:49 PM   #83
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

gael it sounds to me that you are not actually married. A faith wedding alone isn't enough. Ist must be done legally for the country you are living in.
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Old 21st August 2013, 08:16 PM   #84
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

For all intensive purposes you are married although maybe not legally in this country. That is not the real issue.

I think you ought to work through it. You have a woman there who loves you and that is a good start. I think it would be dishonourable to just leave her as you are living as a married couple, have slept with her and got her pregnant.

I think you should love her on purpose and watch it grow. That is the more enduring love in the end anyway. That she loves you is half the job done. You just need to respond. I think it would be catastrophic for you to dump her after all you have done. You need to make a serious go of it and make a commitment in my opinion.
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Old 21st August 2013, 11:57 PM   #85
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

I didn't realise that you could marry in the UK but ignore the legal part.
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Old 22nd August 2013, 06:04 AM   #86
gael
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Legally we r still not married. However we both sat down and made an Islamic marriage contract in front of God, and are living as husband and wife so we are married. However, she wants us to go through with the civil ceremony as well (booked already in November!), and I don't want to if I am feeling this way, but haven't said anything yet.

I will try and continue with focusing on the positives, and see how things are in a few months.
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Old 22nd August 2013, 01:03 PM   #87
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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I didn't realise that you could marry in the UK but ignore the legal part.
No they are not legally maried regarding UK law but they are married because of their vows before God and their coming together. I don't think she should be put aside just because of that.
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Old 22nd August 2013, 01:32 PM   #88
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

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Originally Posted by gael View Post
Legally we r still not married. However we both sat down and made an Islamic marriage contract in front of God, and are living as husband and wife so we are married. However, she wants us to go through with the civil ceremony as well (booked already in November!), and I don't want to if I am feeling this way, but haven't said anything yet.

I will try and continue with focusing on the positives, and see how things are in a few months.
If you consider yourself married, then you need to go through the legal ceremony as well.
I am a Christian, but if I had only been married in a church but not married legally in the country I lived in, I would not consider myself properly married, because I wouldn't be. You have to do both.
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Old 21st September 2013, 11:16 PM   #89
chosen
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

Sunny
you say that you have a co-worker who is a beautiful woman inside and out, truly brilliant, funny, courageous and compassionate.
No, a woman who tries to make a man leave his wife and children and destroy a family is none of those things. She is selfish, immoral, self centered and has no integrity.
Also you really don't know her. You only know what she is like at work. You don't know her bad habits, or her weakness, or her faults, and we all have them. What you DO know is that she encourages men to leave their wives and children. A good person does not do that.
You are in love with being in love. You have to know someone to be in love. You think the grass is greener, but it isn't. Crying and saying her name over and over IS being unfaithful to the woman you married, as well as being very over the top, being that you really dont know her very well. As for her crying in meetings???She doesn't sound like a good woman to me. Using that manipulative tool to get you to leave your family was appalling.


I have no idea why you married a lady who you didn't love or even like it seems, but you did. You also chose to have children with her, despite apparently always wanting to leave her and the children, which was very irresponsible. I am not sure what sort of effect you trying to leave 16 times has had on your wife or children, but I am betting it has made them feel extremely insecure and anxious. You have a responsibility to be there for your children, and to make then feel secure and wanted.

Pease stop dwelling on this woman with whom you fantasised about a new life, and focus back on your family. Carry on with the counselling and encourage the efforts she is making with you. You choose to marry her and take her on, and I am not sure why you think you can then abandon her just because she isn't perfect. Marry a high maintenance lady, and you will stay married to a high maintenance lady.
Do nice things together. Find joint interests and have date nights. Have fun. A large part of being married is being best friends. The more you think of the OW or any other woman, the more discontent you will feel. Discontentment is deadly for a marriage. Be thankful for what you do have instead of dwelling on what you think you dont have.

Sorry I cant be more sympathetic, but I have seen far too many marriages in my family destroyed because of wandering eyes and the inability to stay faithful emotionally or physically. At least you didn't go that far, but the fact that she asked you to leave your family shows that boundaries were well and truly crossed and that you must have spoken of this with her.

Maybe others will have more sympathy, but to me, leaving your family for another person is a terrible thing to do and is never right. I would have nothing to do with a person who thinks nothing of stealing another woman's husband, or taking a father away from his children.

Last edited by chosen; 21st September 2013 at 11:56 PM.
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Old 22nd September 2013, 10:29 AM   #90
Raymond
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Re: I don't love my wife and never have...

We can't control our feelings but can control our actions. We can choose to feed the wrong feelings though and I think this is what you are in danger of doing. You have done well to marry her our of compassion. Joyce Meyers husband did that. He asked God for a woman he could help. God gave him a woman who had been sexually abused continually by her father. Sure they had hard times but as they looked to God she blossomed. That woman now preaches worldwide.

Whilst I sympathise with your situation I can never counsel you to leave her if she has been faithful to you. There is no justification on earth to do that. I think there is some truth in what Chosen says in that you could be in love with love. Sometimes it is just a lust which breaks up marriages and families. This is often fed by what we are looking at and reading about. I think you have run a good race but you need to have the courage to finish well also. Your wife will be capable of growth. You say yourself she is learning to look after you and the children. Who knows what else she could learn with the right encouragement and commitment from you.
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