Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd March 2016, 12:37 PM   #1
sssudio_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 7
Angry My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Hi.
This is my first post, so, be gentle! I will try and condense this!!

Ok, so...me and wife separated in October last year, we had been together for nearly 9 years, married just less than 1. Everything had been fine, almost say the perfect relationship...or I thought so, until she was frantically messaging a 'work friend'. I never had a problem as I message work friends, male and female. But it became a case of hiding it from me, 1 work night out become 2, or 3, sometimes in a week. I had raised a concern...but it was knocked back. This continued and got a bit more 'hard-core' to a point where, I do feel terrible for this, I snooped... The conversations where 1000's of messages long, and were just general 'chat', with compliments thrown in. Nights out turned into coming home at 4am/5am etc., her telling other friends that she felt something for him, the fully supported her...I was agast that knowone said but you are married....

We argued about it (very rarely argued in the whole relationship)...I kept being told “my feelings are confused, I don’t know what I feel…”, until a point of where she announced she going to leave but needed a few days apart to sort her head out. I did this, to come home to find everything packed. I pleaded, asked for reasons and didn’t actually get a reason. That was it. Gone. I did email her a lot, too much, but I was being left, also with a lot of debt (I had the better credit rating, credit cards ALL in my name, for holidays, house work etc), and a huge mortgage to pay for myself (both named on the mortgage, paid equal parts).

I had been lied to about where she had been 'staying', it was with this guy, not with a friend as mentioned. She came and collected EVERYTHING of hers about 2 weeks later...as she was moving into a flat 9 miles away (this flat had already been viewed on her laptop weeks before...i was told it was for a friend...so it was planned. We exchanged a few emails, some very positive, agreeing to see each other socially and go to couples counselling...but this was cancelled and cancelled...but i stopped getting replies.

As she always denied that she was having an affair or cheating, I made a terrible error again, I thought, I will go to her flat and just check if I was paranoid or correct. This I did, to find I wasn’t paranoid, both sat there, curtains open, world to see. I knocked, had the door shut in my face, and was visited by the police the next day to be served a PINS notice NOT TO VISIT. Rightfully so, really. I had been having counselling myself, as I was distraught, I wanted to find out what was so wrong, or was I terrible person, was I too soft, how am I going to pay for everything. I sent an email about something I had heard in counselling and the offer of relationship counselling, and if it is over, I can find out why or how to cope...to which I had another Police visit, another warning to not email this time. ANY CONTACT MUST BE THROUGH A SOLICITOR. That broke me, I have to say. In the space of a month, my whole world has just been binned. I am left in a huge house, that’s mid being done up, so it wasn’t in the best state, full 800 a month mortgage, debts, 3 cats...feeling rather sorry for myself.

A few weeks pass, I receive an email from her sister, saying "this is from ***); it was just something I had asked weeks ago about the gas/electric etc. I sent a reply...and got a reply, a chain of a few emails...and my last email was HUGE. It was a rant of sorts, non-threatening or even a swear or curse, just explaining situations that have arisen and what can be done or asking questions, of why, etc... 48 days later, NO contact in the mean time, I am arrested in my house for harassment, (can I add on my birthday as well...), cuffed, in the back of the van, in the station, cell, etc. I am interviewed, and the officers are accusing me of domestic abuse, mental and physical. And start prodding me to admit that I hit her, etc. All of this never happened, I never even thought about doing that at any time…or even crossed my mind...I was in a daze to where this had all come from. They read my email, word for word, asking me to explain it, which I did, thoughtfully. Then my legal advice said there was no need and they humiliating me on purpose. They stopped. My wife had given them a statement that was just a fantasy world of lies. A great line that was used against me was "he threw a cushion at the wall (this is when I found out she had been hiding all her messages from said 'friend')…but he could of hit me with that cushion if he wanted...". I stuck up for myself, as I felt bullied. I felt like my ex wife had to make up or turn stories to justify her actions. The police didn't even know we were married, that the mortgage I was paying was in both names and I have no financial support from her for anything. It was very poor. I was cautioned with harassment without violence and driven home, 7 hours later. I asked how can I contact her to discuss the house. Through her sister I was told, but I said this is how I am here, by replying to an email from her sister...and that was it. The didn’t really have answer. Mediation? How? I cannot afford to even eat some days, how can I afford to get a solicitor... to just silence. Great stuff.

The situation I find myself in currently: I am not talking to my ex wife at all, I am not allowed legally other than through a solicitor, and I couldn’t even begin to afford any process such as divorce, or contacting her through a solicitor. I have removed myself from every bit of social media...although I am told about her "i miss my cats" tantrums or "i miss my house" related twitter posts...or her going out on the twon posts...people should really not tell me though!

I have had to take a short term lodger in, to help with the bills (that last thing I ever wanted to do....but needs must). I do not know where I stand, legally with mortgage related stuff, or in my life. Obviously, my wife wants nothing to do with me, I want an answer or reasons (I would still go to relationship therapy, if given the chance) - but I know I may never get an answer. I just feel trapped as I cannot move, or take control of the mortgage (too large an amount) or just jump ship, like she did. I feel embarrassed by it all...I have no control over a lot of it.

Sorry, it was a bit long winded...

Last edited by sssudio_uk; 2nd March 2016 at 12:48 PM.
sssudio_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2016, 05:15 PM   #2
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

some people are just very selfish, horrible, pigheaded, cruel, and immoral. The way she has acted is appalling, disgusting, and to be honest I think you are well rid of her. Their relationship wont last, how can it when its based on lies, adultery, cheating and deception?

not sure where you live but in the UK we have places such as citizens advise bureaus where people can go to get advise with legal matters, and some solicitors will see you for the first time for free. Can you do some research to see what is available there? Otherwise can you ask a family member to help you out for now till the house is sold? You do need legal advise asap, you may need to sell the house and you need to know what you are entitled to.

I am appalled at the way the police treated you, which makes me think that you are American, because here I doubt the police would have taken much notice of her lies.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2016, 06:34 PM   #3
sssudio_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 7
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Hi.

I am UK based. I am still appaled by the police behaviour. I wasnt going to be judged, yet every lie and twisted word was used against me. Filled me fullof confidence.

I did visit a solicitor, who advised me that divorce was the only way to make the person move on the subject, as did the Citizens advice people. I only have a mum and a brother, who can not help me, and I also live quite far from them. Its just a trying time at the moment!
sssudio_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2016, 07:04 PM   #4
Lindentree1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

I could easily tell you were UK based because of the way you wrote the currency and said "solicitor." Here (in the US) we say lawyer and attorney, and of course have $ (dollars) currency.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I would advise not to email her or her sister. You can't trust them. I would only communicate thru your lawyer. You don't want the UK police breathing down your neck again. How frightening that must have been.
Lindentree1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2016, 07:58 PM   #5
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sssudio_uk View Post
Hi.

I am UK based. I am still appaled by the police behaviour. I wasnt going to be judged, yet every lie and twisted word was used against me. Filled me fullof confidence.

I did visit a solicitor, who advised me that divorce was the only way to make the person move on the subject, as did the Citizens advice people. I only have a mum and a brother, who can not help me, and I also live quite far from them. Its just a trying time at the moment!
You will have to get a solicitor so if you have no friends of family who can lend you anything, you will need to get a bank loan and pay it off when you sell the house. Thats what I had to do, I sold my house and payed the legal bill out of that. You must get legal advise and deal with her that way. Dont try to contact her again.

I so so sorry that she is acting so terribly towards you, and that neither she nor her friends appear to have any decency or integrity.

Last edited by chosen; 3rd March 2016 at 10:47 PM.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2016, 08:00 PM   #6
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sssudio_uk View Post
Hi.

I am UK based. I am still appaled by the police behaviour. I wasnt going to be judged, yet every lie and twisted word was used against me. Filled me fullof confidence.

I did visit a solicitor, who advised me that divorce was the only way to make the person move on the subject, as did the Citizens advice people. I only have a mum and a brother, who can not help me, and I also live quite far from them. Its just a trying time at the moment!
I an very surprised, the police here are usually great. I am also very surprised that she got those restraining orders for you merely sending an email. Crazy.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd March 2016, 08:28 PM   #7
ralfgarnett
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

"I am appalled at the way the police treated you, which makes me think that you are American, because here I doubt the police would have taken much notice of her lies."

It would be extremely nave for anyone to think that the police here in the UK are squeaky clean, beyond reproach, and always act within the law,
I respect the law of any country I am in as much as the next man and I am proud to say that I have never knowingly ever broken the law, but I have heard of many acts of corruption & criminality concerning UK police officers over the years, whether that be Heddlu De Cymru, PSNI, Police Scotland, or any police force in England too including the oh so perfect Met, every organisation has it's fair share of bad apples and as I said previously, it would be extremely nave for anyone to believe the UK police to be squeaky clean, we are not living in 1955 any more and Dixon of Dock Green is long dead.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 2nd March 2016 at 09:28 PM.
ralfgarnett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2016, 08:30 AM   #8
sssudio_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 7
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

I think the police were harsh on me because the word 'domestic' had been used. I was told that anything that mentions that now is essentially a push for guilt. Sadly, it was a trial without any evidence, really; it had been assumed and taken as truth that I had done all these things. I was surprised also, just for emails. Not a threat in them, or even foul language, just asking for answers.

I have stepped away from it all, for now.
sssudio_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2016, 02:29 PM   #9
ralfgarnett
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,076
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sssudio_uk View Post
I think the police were harsh on me because the word 'domestic' had been used. I was told that anything that mentions that now is essentially a push for guilt. Sadly, it was a trial without any evidence, really; it had been assumed and taken as truth that I had done all these things. I was surprised also, just for emails. Not a threat in them, or even foul language, just asking for answers.

I have stepped away from it all, for now.
Hi mate so very sorry your going through all this, sounds like your really going through the mill, I saw on the BBC news recently that new legislation has been passed here in the UK regarding unpleasant domestic situations, sounds to me that you have been a recent victim of this new legislation and the subsequent powers it gives to the Police, ok I agree with it if someone male or female is being abused either mentally, emotionally, or physically, and I believe it also covers controlling behaviour whatever that means, Raymond did once explain it to me but I still don't get it, but if these things are genuinely taking place in a relationship then it's good that the law is on the side of the victim these days, but if as you say your e-mails were genuinely worded without threats or bad language then I think the police should be finding other more important things to be doing, if they do it again remind them that they are public sector employees and that you pay their wages, I have said this at times with some of the stroppy pinko commissars at our local town hall and it has often taken the wind out of their sales, meanwhile good luck mate I sincerely hope things start picking up for you ASAP and that it starts to make some sense to you, one piece of advice I can give you is that you might have a head full of questions but you will receive or find very few answers to most of them.
ralfgarnett is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd March 2016, 03:46 PM   #10
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

It seems like we are moving to the EU model where you are guilty on anyone's heresay until proved innocent.

This is a terrible story of temptation leading to deception and adultery. Any trust will have gone by now I would think, unless she comes back on her knees fully repentant.

The best tact now is to accept it as a done deed and try to adjust to it, as terrible as it is and it is terrible. In cases where loss is not fully accepted long term depression can follow, so I would concentrate on accepting the loss, as difficult as that is. Being bitter and unforgiving against her will damage you much more than her also. If she raises it again that is something else, but grovelling doesn't help anyone and could make things much worse.

I really sympathise with you over this violent attack to the centre of your being. As Chosen said you are better off without her if she can act in such a way.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2016, 10:13 AM   #11
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Oh no not culture wars. No obviously the USA has a great deal going for it and basically took on the good that we used to have in this country and developed it along the paths of freedom and democracy which is fantastic. It has slipped a lot in our present day I think and Britain is not a patch on what she was. The beacon certainly went to the USA at some point in the past but that is beginning to fade I think.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2016, 05:02 PM   #12
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Truth is there is good and bad in both police forces. The majority of the police are probably good in both countries. I can't judge as I never seem to get involved with them. I don't think one can generalise too much. We certainly need them.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th March 2016, 05:40 PM   #13
Lindentree1
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,253
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Truth is there is good and bad in both police forces. The majority of the police are probably good in both countries. I can't judge as I never seem to get involved with them. I don't think one can generalise too much. We certainly need them.
I agree. Bad eggs everywhere in every profession, but the majority of people are good. One can't just constantly focus on the negative, it would drive one mad.
Lindentree1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th March 2016, 09:46 AM   #14
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

That's true. We need to focus on the positive whilst being aware of the negative.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th March 2016, 07:36 PM   #15
sssudio_uk
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 7
Re: My next move? Help/Advice needed.

Well this escalated quickly!!
sssudio_uk is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:34 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2019 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer