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Old 18th January 2016, 07:45 PM   #1
susan123
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Confused between two men, help!

Hi everyone,

Before I start I would like to say that I come from a rather conservative culture where more often than not we are introduced to a 'potential spouse' with the view of marriage if things work out. I have been given the liberty to find someone on my own but I willfully asked for help in being introduced to someone as I have not done too well finding someone entirely on my own and I'm in my 30s now.

Now with that in mind I have been introduced to 2 men and gotten to know them for awhile. Let's say man 1 is John and man 2 is Eric. I've known John for 1 year and Eric for 4.5months. Both men are aware I'm getting to know 2 people at the same time...this is not what most of you will think...I'm not two timing or being intimate with either of them...it's just a very complex cultural tradition of 'finding the one.'

The truth is that I'm in love with John. I like his personality and his upbringing is similar to mine. I also find him a lot more attractive and he is a believer and is closer to God. The negative thing about him is that he is a serial player and is now trying to get out of it. This is a huge problem for me because I feel extremely insecure about such behavior because he hasn't entirely stopped having sex with other women in the time he has gotten to know me albeit he has reduced it. This has hurt me very much. I have discussed it with him and he says he will try to change but I'm not convinced. He also has a very reckless attitude towards his work and is currently not doing his best. My family doesn't like him much either and want me to keep away after knowing this about him.

Eric is the complete opposite of John. I respect him loads and think he is a very focused and driven man. He treats me well, is very hardworking and is not a player. My family also loves him. The only problem is I don't feel any love for him and my attraction is less even though he is good looking by most people's standards. Our upbringing is also very different and he is very far from his faith. I feel like he is a bit too absorbed in the material aspect of this world which makes me wonder if this will be a problem in the future or it's that he's just being cautious about his future.

The problem is that I cannot keep getting to know 2 people at the same time for much longer...it's also emotionally exhausting. The only reason why Eric even came into the picture was because of John's infidelity issues which he keeps assuring me will be resolved once he marries. I'm torn between a safe, loving and caring Eric vs a fun John with whom I share more similarities but potential heartbreak.
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Old 19th January 2016, 03:14 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

It seems that neither are the right one for you. If John is cheating then dont even consider him, it wont stop once you are married. If he had any moral values or integrity then he wouldnt be acting that way. If he is a Christian then why is he sleeping around? If eric isnt a believer(are you a Christian?) then he isnt really right either is he.
How about you stop seeing either of them and pray about what the next step is. Trust God for the right man to come along.
IF you have to choose then Eric sounds by far the better of the two. NEVER marry a cheater.
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Old 20th January 2016, 03:54 AM   #3
Lindentree1
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

Is John the one you posted about last year and you said his income wasn't high and he didn't have much drive?

I wouldn't even consider marrying John if he can't stop sleeping around and lets you know about it.

If Eric doesn't attract you perhaps you should look for someone else. Marriage is a huge deal. If there are red flags before the marriage it usually doesn't get better later. It usually gets worse.

Like Chosen said, it doesn't sound like either of them is "the one". If you were ready to marry one of them, you would not be confused. You would know.
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Old 20th January 2016, 04:01 AM   #4
Annie
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

Marriage is for hopefully for life and you don't want to pick the wrong one from the get go. Neither of them sound suitable for you. Yes time is ticking away but you don't want to be unhappy for the rest of your life too because of a rushed and forced decision. Leave them two and start looking again for the right person for you.
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Old 20th January 2016, 08:09 AM   #5
susan123
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

Yes Lidentree, John is that same guy. I don't know why I hung on so long. I fell in love with him and thought I would get him to change but I'm starting to get doubts now. He keeps telling me that he will change and have faith in him. I believed him for the longest time but I'm getting doubtful now. The reason I'm not very attracted to Eric is because he's not as tall as I would have liked my other half to be. I know this sounds very superficial and everyone keeps telling me that looks fade and I need to look at the bigger picture.But apart from the height issue he also doesn't pray and hasn't done so for many years. We share the same faith but he doesn't seem to be practising it. I don't want to think that I can change him considering my failed attempt with John. I keep being told I can't get everything I want and need to compromise somewhere or else I'll end up alone. The truth is I also live in an area where there aren't many men to choose from and moving cities is not an option at the moment. I've tried online dating, I've tried getting my friends to introduce me etc. I am living my life to the fullest. I participate in all kinds of activities. I'm not holding back on anything but I really wish I could find someone I could love and spend my life with...maybe I'll have to compromise
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Old 20th January 2016, 10:40 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by susan123 View Post
Yes Lidentree, John is that same guy. I don't know why I hung on so long. I fell in love with him and thought I would get him to change but I'm starting to get doubts now. He keeps telling me that he will change and have faith in him. I believed him for the longest time but I'm getting doubtful now. The reason I'm not very attracted to Eric is because he's not as tall as I would have liked my other half to be. I know this sounds very superficial and everyone keeps telling me that looks fade and I need to look at the bigger picture.But apart from the height issue he also doesn't pray and hasn't done so for many years. We share the same faith but he doesn't seem to be practising it. I don't want to think that I can change him considering my failed attempt with John. I keep being told I can't get everything I want and need to compromise somewhere or else I'll end up alone. The truth is I also live in an area where there aren't many men to choose from and moving cities is not an option at the moment. I've tried online dating, I've tried getting my friends to introduce me etc. I am living my life to the fullest. I participate in all kinds of activities. I'm not holding back on anything but I really wish I could find someone I could love and spend my life with...maybe I'll have to compromise
No never compromise on something so important. When you meet the right man you will know. John isnt living out the christian life, he is sexually immoral and if he really cared about you and God he would have stopped sleeping around ages ago. Never compromise with a man who is sexually immoral. How would you ever trust him?
Erics Height does seem to be a small thing if that is all it is. However the faith issue is massive.

My advise is to stop seeing both of them for 6 months. Pray and ask your friends to pray and listen to God.

I met my husband on the internet, it can take time. I was on Christian dating sites for 2 years before we met.
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Old 26th January 2016, 11:02 AM   #7
susan123
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

There is another problem with Eric and it's that he doesn't seem very interested in having children. He has plans of having one probably 3 yrs after getting married. That doesn't work for me because I want children sooner and not just 1. Children are gift from God and eventually He will determine when and how many I'll have but I don't like the idea of waiting 3 yrs after marriage. Eric also seemed abit too self absorbed and over career focused which is the opposite of John. Sometimes I wonder is the problem me? Am I being too fussy and critical about the men I choose? Am I setting impossible targets?
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Old 26th January 2016, 05:53 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

It is obvious that neither of them are right for you. I would let God sort it out and trust Him. I would have thought there would be men in your church without having to deal with immoral people and people with no faith. One can't manupulate these things. It just happens. I wouldn't do anything until you meet the right one. Have faith.
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Old 26th January 2016, 09:21 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by susan123 View Post
There is another problem with Eric and it's that he doesn't seem very interested in having children. He has plans of having one probably 3 yrs after getting married. That doesn't work for me because I want children sooner and not just 1. Children are gift from God and eventually He will determine when and how many I'll have but I don't like the idea of waiting 3 yrs after marriage. Eric also seemed abit too self absorbed and over career focused which is the opposite of John. Sometimes I wonder is the problem me? Am I being too fussy and critical about the men I choose? Am I setting impossible targets?
NO you are simply realising that neither are the right man for you. NEVER compromise on a husband. If you marry a cheat you will always regret it. If you marry a man who isnt very interested in children and you want several then you will regret it. I think that all of us except you can tell that neither man is right for you. Let them go and move on. Pray that God will bring the right man for you.
I think you are hanging on to them incase you never meet anyone else, you have already wasted far too much time on them.
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Old 29th January 2016, 06:40 AM   #10
Eunice Pierson
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

I feel you because once I was in the same situation. Don't rush yourself my dear I know this may seem a cliche but the right one hasn't come yet. I wish you will meet man #3 the soonest and I wish he will be the right one
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Old 28th February 2016, 10:01 PM   #11
richj108
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Re: Confused between two men, help!

There is not a lack of men and attracting the right man requires thought. Write down what characteristics a man should have. Hold on to that list and read it every day. Characteristics like honesty, loving, decisive, employed, patient, encouraging, man of God, willing to sacrifice, sense of humor ... Compromise is showing a lack of faith in the Provider.
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