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Old 28th May 2016, 04:49 PM   #1
Broken Bones
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Broken

I have been married for over 20 years and been with my wife for over 30 years. We have had our ups and downs but have 2 beautiful children and so much history. We started growing apart and had a lot of family problems. I drank and lied a lot to cover my pain. In our years together she has physically hurt me and my mom but I have never and would never physically hurt her. Mentally I tried to hurt to her because I could never bring myself to hurt her physically or forgive her for hurting my mom. Understand I LOVE HER!!! We kept growing apart and I "confided in" another woman (DID NOT HAVE SEX!!!!) and it got out of control. The other woman went to enormous lengths to destroy our relationship, went as far as hiring a PI to dig up "fake pictures" of my wife and "another man". My wife believed I was not only involved with this other woman but also involved in the PI stuff and I WAS NOT!! My mom forgave her for hurting her so did I (kind of) but she just kept growing colder and colder. I couldn't take it anymore and I tried to commit suicide. In the short time I was "dead" it seemed like forever and all I saw were the good times in our life, her beautiful face, and so many AMAZING memories that I had forgot about and took for granted. She left me that night and I think she wants a divorce. Says she cannot forgive me. I want her back more than oxygen to breath.........
Please help
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Old 29th May 2016, 09:12 AM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Broken

I see a forgiveness thing running through your post. Your mother has forgiven her violence and you have kind of forgiven your wife. Clear forgiveness would release you from any bitterness although it doesn't make your wife's actions right.

It appears you had an emotional affair with another woman which was obviously wrong and turned nasty with this PI thing. You have obviously been unfaithful at least in an emotional way.

I think all you can do is what you have probably done already and that is to show your sincere repentance for taking up with this other woman. You have probably told her that you didn't hire a PI but you could have stopped it and told your wife probably. Your wife sounds an angry sort of person. Maybe in time she can forgive you but the ball is in her court. All you can do is stay away from this other woman and apologise for all the hurt that was caused through the incident and hope and pray for the best. If she will never forgive even if you are sorry I don't see how the marriage can be mended.
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Old 2nd June 2016, 02:16 AM   #3
Broken Bones
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Re: Broken

Thanks Raymond. Just don't know what to do.....
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Old 2nd June 2016, 03:14 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: Broken

When you say she physically hurt you and your mum, do you mean she hit you?How often did that happen?
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Old 4th June 2016, 01:57 PM   #5
Broken Bones
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Re: Broken

Just one time with mom. It's different with me. 7 times out of 10 I probably deserved it. Was either drunk, lying, or doing something else stupid. I just know she knows I would I would never hit her. We have been together since we were 12 and she knows that. I keep thinking how OVER it would of been the day I physically hurt her dad (not that I would ever do,that) but if I ever would of it would of been over right then and there. I chose to try to hang on. Maybe to nothing? She doesn't talk to me at all unless it is to complain about something I did or something I may have said to the kids and I am trying hard not to contact her at all. I miss her so bad and want OUR FAMILY back so much it's killing me.
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Old 4th June 2016, 11:36 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Broken

There is no way that anyone should stay with a violent spouse who abuses them. I would have left long ago. I think that you are better off away from her despite the pain you are going through right now.
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Old 5th June 2016, 09:23 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Broken

It was only the once Chosen. My wife hit me once early on in our marriage. She is not a violent person. She needed a bit of deliverance and was fine after that.

It sounds to me BB that maybe drink had a part to play here. Getting drunk can make us behave differently than who we normally are. Do you think that was true?
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Old 5th June 2016, 10:26 PM   #8
Broken Bones
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Re: Broken

No not really, she doesn't drink much at all. I did a lot to try to get back at her and numb my pain. I haven't drank in almost a month, been running, and working out again. I physically feel better. But mentally am a complete mess. I cannot eat or sleep and I think about her and our family 24/7.
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Old 6th June 2016, 09:06 AM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Broken

I didn't mean her BB. What I was really asking is did you drink a lot whilst you were with her. You mentioned you were drunk once. I am just wondering if this had affected your marriage if it was so.
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Old 7th June 2016, 02:34 AM   #10
Broken Bones
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Re: Broken

Yes I think it has.
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Old 7th June 2016, 10:38 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: Broken

So it isn't just the emotional affair probably. Being drunk often would certainly have affected your relationship. Maybe you could acknowledge that to her. It would show you are thinking clearly about things maybe.
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Old 7th June 2016, 04:18 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: Broken

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
It was only the once Chosen. My wife hit me once early on in our marriage. She is not a violent person. She needed a bit of deliverance and was fine after that.

It sounds to me BB that maybe drink had a part to play here. Getting drunk can make us behave differently than who we normally are. Do you think that was true?
IT was only one time with his mum but more to him.
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Old 7th June 2016, 05:52 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Broken

Thank you for clarifying chosen.

BB do you think there is a connection between you getting drunk and her hitting you. She sounds an easily angered person that just lets rip to me. You say you deserved it, not that that makes it right, but it might show her wrong reaction after investing so much in the marriage. You knew each other since you were twelve so something went wrong along the way, before these troubles started. We are talking about a thirty year relationship here so one would have thought things started off fine before something went wrong?
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Old 11th June 2016, 12:45 PM   #14
Broken Bones
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Re: Broken

She does have anger issues (but who don't?) I would welcome a punch in the teeth if it meant us being together and her touching me. Yes alcohol made everything worse. She is my life and my wife. I miss her and OUR FAMILY SO BAD. I want them back.
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Old 12th June 2016, 02:26 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Broken

Maybe you need to look at this drink problem as it does seriously affect marriages. People are not themselves when they are drunk and can say a lot of hurtful things.

If you are able to it might be worth mentioning that you realise the drink problem. At least acknowledge it to her, and if you were of a mind to get real help, let her know this as well. You might have dealt with this already but it might be worth looking into. She needs to have hope I think that things will not be the same. People need hope in order to carry on. If you can give her real hope that things will be different and you really mean it things might be changeable. She will not want empty words at this stage

Sometimes it is times like this that can galvanise us into real change. It might be worth asking for God's help as I found that He can answer prayer before we are even christians. I don't think we can use Him as a vending machine but if we are really sincere and want the best and are open I believe He will answer.
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