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Old 24th April 2013, 09:26 AM   #196
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

freddie very soon you will not be married to her. You will not be living with her presumably, and you will have no say in what she does and who she sees.I am not sure why you think it helps you at this stage to know what she is doing with whom.How long do divorces take there?
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Old 24th April 2013, 11:07 AM   #197
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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freddie very soon you will not be married to her. You will not be living with her presumably, and you will have no say in what she does and who she sees.I am not sure why you think it helps you at this stage to know what she is doing with whom.How long do divorces take there?
I will continue to act as a husband for as long as we are married and especially for as long as we live together. And I will continue to act as a father protecting his children for as long as I live. You seem to be suggesting that, even when we are divorced my wife will be entitled to do as she pleases including where my children are concerned, and that is a no-no. She will have the same rights to protect her children against any reckless actions of mine that can affect them, if she were interested that is.
At present, the man she has been seeing has been interfering with my family since my wife and I stil had intimate relations. The fact that my wife has now started the divorce proceedings does not exonerate him now. Furthermore, the distress caused to my elder daughter is happening now, not after we are divorced.
Even after we are divorced, I have a say in the matter. It has been agreed that the girls are doing their schooling in the schools we have been eagerly working to get for them in the town where we live. Whether I get full custody or we get shared custody or even if my wife gets full custody (god save the children) the children are staying here unless we agree otherwise. The OM lives in another county, he is one of those people who never leaves the place where they were born, his parents live 10 minutes away from him, he often goes there, all his friends and relatives live there and he has a business locally too. My wife had been talking about moving over there with the children and that ain't gonna happen. My solicitor has told me that I would be able to raise a court order to prevent my wife from taking the children away from the town, which would be particularly impossible if I have custody or if it is shared. So you see, I will be able to continue to be a nightmare to him (and her) even if they marry.
The OM has already dumped her twice, in the early stages of the relationship. We will see if he will be ready to leave everything behind and come to my wife and two children when he does not have any.
For now, I will pay him that visit if I find out they have re-started the relationship. When the sh1t has reached his home turf, that is when he probably realises he should have found himself a nice single woman.

On other things, I do not see that my wife considers she can do as she pleases now that she has started the divorce. In fact, it was before she applied for the divorce that she was flaunting her affair on my family and just walking out every time she wished, without even confirming when she would be back. Now, every time she is going to be late, she comes and gives me an explanation of where she is going, who with and at what time I should expect her home. I do not see her reason for lying now, especially now that she knows I know when she lied to me about going somewhere every single time she did. I hope this is a good signal but I do not know....

Last edited by freddie; 24th April 2013 at 11:15 AM.
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Old 24th April 2013, 12:33 PM   #198
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Freddie I have always said that your main focus needs to be the children, and doing all you can to get custody of them. However you really cant stop her from being with him, especially when you are divorced. I am surprised that your lawyer said she cant take them elsewhere in the same country(if she has full custody), but maybe things are different there. If you have shared custody, then you would need to live near each other for schooling etc.
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Old 24th April 2013, 01:01 PM   #199
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Freddie I have always said that your main focus needs to be the children, and doing all you can to get custody of them. However you really cant stop her from being with him, especially when you are divorced. I am surprised that your lawyer said she cant take them elsewhere in the same country(if she has full custody), but maybe things are different there. If you have shared custody, then you would need to live near each other for schooling etc.
I have another alternative. The relationship between my wife and the OM is already damaged: it started with lies, people getting hurt, geographical problems, interest in his money, friends and relatives affected, frightened children, aggression, etc.

Supposing I have already done enough to damage that relationship and now I let them realise for themselves it should end.

What if I was to ask my wife straight: if there is still something there, please kill this pernicious relationship, this time for good. If you will not do it for me, do it for yourself and the girls. We can still go ahead with the divorce.

Last edited by freddie; 24th April 2013 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 24th April 2013, 03:26 PM   #200
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

freddie whether she kills it now or it dies a natural death, it wont last, especially if he refuses to move away from where he lives.
YOu can ask her of course.
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Old 25th April 2013, 09:37 AM   #201
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Last Tuesday my wife came to tell me, in the morning, that she was going to be late in the evening and asked me to prepare dinner for the girls. She was going to a birthday do of a female friend of hers straight after work. i worried that she might be going to meet the OM. Later that evening I also worried that she was going to call, say that it got late, that she missed the train and that she would stay overnight with her friend. She has told me this lie before before I knew about the affair. But she came back in the evening.

On Saturday, the wife is inviting 3 female friends, with their kids, to the house. One of them is the one she said she was going to celebrate her birthday with on Tuesday. I guess the 2 other friends were there too. These are respectable women and I cannot see that they would be covering for my wife, in her clandestine meetings with the OM as they are not even really close friends. This is amazing on many levels: my wife had been hiding from friends and did not invite a single one to the house this year. She often invited friends to the house before the affair was exposed. She should imagine that I can casually ask the birthday girl how her party was and even casually mention the bugger's name to all of them to see their reaction.
My wife is taking an enormous risk bringing these women I could easily expose her with. She should imagine I am very angry and might use any opportunity for revenge. I could even make a scene in front of all of them (I won't).
Also, how is she going to handle the situation that we do not talk to each other? Has she told them she is evicting me from the house and is divorcing me? What will their faces look like when they see me? Is their small talk going to be "what are you going to do when you leave here?"
Is the wife going to try to sugar me so that I do not embarrass her or even ask me to stay in my office while they are here?
Is my wife feeling 'clean enough' to expose herself to friends again and in my presence?

Should I use the opportunity to ingratiate myself with her friends and make my wife look good with compliments to her and be charming as well as well presented? I may go to the hairdressers and I may wear my best rags so that she is 'proud' of me. I should imagine she would thank me a little, without telling me, that I was in my best behaviour and appearance.
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Old 25th April 2013, 09:43 PM   #202
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

My wife is in a filthy mood today, after coming back home from work. We always have the same situation: the girls and I have fun, chat and mess about and my wife excludes herself completely. While joking about an unrelated topic, my 4 year old said "we should send mum to the police". The wife heard it and it got her started. Later she walked into my office and saw this website home page on my PC. Now she is just shouting at the girls for any reason. I guess this is compunded with the fact that her affair is over/not working.
Is it better to just leave her to cool off on her own? I would only intervene if her shouting got out of hand. She really is ungrateful today. The girls and I spent 1 hour tidying up and cleaning the sitting room, then my wife comes to shout at them saying to them they have only been wasting time and that they will end up going to bed late. Really..........
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Old 26th April 2013, 08:31 AM   #203
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

What are you doing about her adultery? Just carry on as normal? I think you need to take some control here in the right way. Why didn't you tell her to leave when that happened? Does she think she is allowed to have affairs and carry on as normal? Something is desperately wrong somewhere.
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Old 26th April 2013, 09:51 AM   #204
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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What are you doing about her adultery? Just carry on as normal? I think you need to take some control here in the right way. Why didn't you tell her to leave when that happened? Does she think she is allowed to have affairs and carry on as normal? Something is desperately wrong somewhere.
We went through a long process after she confessed to her affair (and the previous one) on 1st Janaury. First I was shocked and paralysed for a month and I just sat and watched it all happen, they spent all the week-ends together in January with my (and my daughter's) full knowledge. She took the girls to meet the bugger. Then I went to another forum where eveybody told me to take action. I then started interfering with the affair. I was told to physically throw her out of the house; you may be able do this in the USA but here you can get arrested and separated from your children. So at the beginning of February I started to intervene, I told her I was not going to tolerate it anylonger I told her to leave the house several time but she did not. I went after the bugger, I talked to his parents, I exposed the wife with everybody. I told her she was not allowed to bring the girls into contact with the bugger ever again. These things led to her court petition to get me out of the house. I managed to get him to dump her for the first time. She went and grovelled, he took her back. In March I continued to intervene and they split up (or he dumped her again). From mid February they have hardly managed to see each other. In April, during her holiday, she went to grovel again. Now it looks like they are exchanging texts but I do not know if that means they are together. She has not tried to invent stories to go and see him and she does not call him on the phone from home anymore. Some people say they have gone underground. I think that even if they are talking, that relationship is well and truly damaged and that the magic has gone. Now they are struggling just as I am. She gives me a full account of what she will be doing, where and when I am to expect her back home when she will be late from work. She does not stay out overnight and does not go out during the week-ends.

I also returned to her all the presents she gave me in the past year an told her that I was going along with the divorce only because of her infidelity. I concentrated all my statements in court on her immoral behaviour and in front of the children. I think all these things send a loud and clear signal that I will not tolerate infidelity even though I am also sending her strong signals that I want her back.

Now I need some real advice please. If they are communicating again, should I go ahead with my plan and visit him at his place of work to embarrass and put him off continuing with this? or should I approach her and ask her to tell me if they are talking again and ask her to end the contact, even if we are divorcing?


My wife knows full well that my elder daughter hates her and the bugger for what they have been doing and that she is frightened at the prospect of being taken away from me and given to the bugger. I cannot use my children to get my wife back but she should have some consideration for the children, for heaven's sake. This is the reason I have been discussing the possibility that she has a personality disorder if it is not just me, but her children too, whose feelings she completely disregards.

Last edited by freddie; 26th April 2013 at 10:11 AM.
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Old 26th April 2013, 10:05 AM   #205
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Personally I would leave them to it. If she is divorcing you(and I believe in the usa that is quick) then what is to be gained by you continually trying to break them up? As soon as the divorce is through, they will carry on anyway.Their relationship wont last, so let it run its course. He wont want her once he finds out what she is like. Even if you do ask her she is going to lie anyway.

What plans has she made for when the divorce is complete? Is she looking for somewhere to live?Does she have a job so that she can support herself financially? Has she said what she wants to happen with the children?In the UK a divorce will not be allowed to go through unless the childrens access etc have been sorted out.
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Old 26th April 2013, 10:23 AM   #206
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Personally I would leave them to it. If she is divorcing you(and I believe in the usa that is quick) then what is to be gained by you continually trying to break them up? As soon as the divorce is through, they will carry on anyway.Their relationship wont last, so let it run its course. He wont want her once he finds out what she is like. Even if you do ask her she is going to lie anyway.

What plans has she made for when the divorce is complete? Is she looking for somewhere to live?Does she have a job so that she can support herself financially? Has she said what she wants to happen with the children?In the UK a divorce will not be allowed to go through unless the childrens access etc have been sorted out.
In the UK divorce and custody of the children are two completely separate issues. The divorce can take 5 months.

I was only still considering intervening in their affair because the reality is that the reason their relationship is damaged is because of my intervention. However, there is also the matter that I would be working for my daughter if I manage to show her that I have done everything I can to get rid of the bugger, even if it costs me in more hatred from my wife. My daughter will feel well betrayed by me if my wife ends up with the bugger and then makes all the moves until she manages to take her (and the little one) to him. Then it will be too late, even if he dumps her again in 1 or 2 years, I will have lost my daughters too (both physically and emotionally), they will turn their backs on me if they learn I gave up.

Maybe the way is to do all I can to convince the wife, if she refuses I go after the bugger. He deserves it anyhow.

Today I told my elder daughter that I was thinking of looking for a new wife. She got furious and started recriminating me for thinking of giving up on keeping the family together and allowing my wife to continue to pursue the bugger. Even though my elder daughter hates her mother, like me she is frightened at the prospect of losing her real family, even if she stays with me and her mother leaves.
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Old 26th April 2013, 01:00 PM   #207
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Freddie I think your daughter is blaming the wrong person, and yes, even if a child is in a horrible home situation they still usually want what is familiar.
I am also in the UK. My divorce took 8 months, and I was told that until the childrens issues were sorted the divorce couldnt be completed. Didnt really apply much in my case as the two eldest were 18 or over and the youngest was 16 by the time I started the divorce.Maybe things have changed now, that was 11 years ago.

What stage is your divorce at?

You can try and speak to him, but you have done that twice before I believe and it didnt work.

Its only fair that you know what her plans are when the divorce is done. ie Is she planning to go and live with him?Is she looking for alternative accomodation?Does she work full time so she can pay her bills?
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Old 26th April 2013, 01:12 PM   #208
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Your wife is your enemy under your own roof. Morally you have the right to kick her out for her unrepentant behaviour under your nose.

Have you had legal advice regarding custody under such circumstances? It might not be as you think. An older girl would certainly be given choices about who she wants to live with I would have thought.

I have a friend who came home from work early one day and found his wife in their bed with another man. Her cases were put on the pavement the next morning and he hasn't seen her again. He has married again and it seems to be happy. Would to God it was that simple for you.
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Old 26th April 2013, 01:34 PM   #209
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Your wife is your enemy under your own roof. Morally you have the right to kick her out for her unrepentant behaviour under your nose.

Have you had legal advice regarding custody under such circumstances? It might not be as you think. An older girl would certainly be given choices about who she wants to live with I would have thought.

I have a friend who came home from work early one day and found his wife in their bed with another man. Her cases were put on the pavement the next morning and he hasn't seen her again. He has married again and it seems to be happy. Would to God it was that simple for you.
Yes, I hear you, but in the UK you cannot throw somebody out of the marital home for having an affair or even finding them in your own bed. It is silly but there you go.

My elder daughter is adamant that she wants to live with me. They do not separate the children here so the younger one would need to live with her sister. I know my wife does not have a bond with either but she can be favoured by the courts. She cannot physically look after the girls during the day. An independent body would need to be appointed. I need to get more legal advice.
This is the reason I am desperately looking for reconciliation. I think I would seek it even if I did not love my wife, for the sake of the girls. It is definitely the best option for the girls if my wife and I could rekindle our relationship, but I do not know if I will be able to bring my wife to the table in her state of mind as Narcissistic or BPD or whatever she has. I am prepared to ger out of her way for a long period of time to wait and see if she comes to her senses or get therapy. However, it is important for me that she does not re-develop her relationship with the bugger again, or I will be wasting my time waiting.
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Old 26th April 2013, 02:00 PM   #210
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Freddie I think your daughter is blaming the wrong person, and yes, even if a child is in a horrible home situation they still usually want what is familiar.
I am also in the UK. My divorce took 8 months, and I was told that until the childrens issues were sorted the divorce couldnt be completed. Didnt really apply much in my case as the two eldest were 18 or over and the youngest was 16 by the time I started the divorce.Maybe things have changed now, that was 11 years ago.

What stage is your divorce at?

You can try and speak to him, but you have done that twice before I believe and it didnt work.

Its only fair that you know what her plans are when the divorce is done. ie Is she planning to go and live with him?Is she looking for alternative accomodation?Does she work full time so she can pay her bills?
My daughters are in a horrible situation but definitely they do not want what is familiar. My elder daughter asked the little one: "do you want us all to stay together?" she said "no because of all the shouting and breaking things", then we said to her "supposing all the shouting, swearing and breaking things go and we all get on well together, do you want both mum and dad with you?" she said "like that, yes".

We are only in the early stages of the divorce, I only received the papers in April.

The plan after the divorce is that the girls stay in this town, so that they do their schooling here. I will try to make this clear in the divorce settlement. My wife is likely to have to agree. I wanted to return to London (my real town) but I relented on the idea to please my wife. As I said it, the OM has his roots in another county, and I am sure he has serious doubts about the whole thing, so I do not know what she is thinking, I do not see it happening. My wife cannot leave the job and move away, she has only started it and it was very difficult for her to find it. In fact, she is only in the middle of a trial period, working through an agency with no employment contract. They could tell her they are not keeping her well before she gets the divorce and money. My wife will try to extract money from me to support herself and the girls but it can take her a long time to do that. I said in a message above that she is already broke (she has £6200 debt on credit cards at the top of their credit limit) and I am still here, let alone when I leave the house. The OM could step in and give her money but why would he, if he cannot even be with her? She has already been messing him about for months, would he give her money for months while waiting to see if she can grab the girls and go to him, only to be told one day that she is not going after all? I think not.
Why the idiot did not go to find himself a single woman, I have no idea.

As I said it, yes my intervention in the affair did work, especially in the OM territory. I believe I have caused serious damage to it as I have exposed my wife to him and his parents as a liar and I have shown him that I can attack him in his territory just as he has been attacking me on mine. I have also stopped my wife meeting with him and a man who is not getting sex regularly, with a new partner, will start looking elsewhere. I am only thinking of trying to deliver the fatal blow to their relationship by exposing him in front of the people who work for him. But I am thinking about it to decide what to do based on the advice I get here and elsewhere. Maybe the way to reconciliation should be that she gives up on the OM rather than getting dumped.

Last edited by freddie; 26th April 2013 at 02:11 PM.
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