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Old 30th July 2013, 01:47 PM   #1
MC123
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Here I am again.....at crossroads

here I am again, About 18 months ago H had an EA.

We decided to give our M another try. I found out 5 days ago they they have been back in contact via texting. I feel betrayed again and have lost trust. WH has been remorseful, begged me to stay etc. I know the best option is to walk away from someone who has hurt me twice, but my heart breaks when I think about doing it. Part of me thinks he is genuinely remorseful and would not do it again, the other wants to kick him to the kerb. This would hurt me more than giving him another chance.

The road to R has not been easy for us to get this far.

We have been married 19years with a 17 year old son.

I am at a crossroads and at lost what to do. Any advice?
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Old 30th July 2013, 09:41 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Do you know how long they have been in touch, and what the texts were saying?
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Old 31st July 2013, 09:40 AM   #3
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

6 weeks ago, with approx 380 texts.

I have not seen the texts but I asked H and he said they were saying things like thanks for being a friend, initially. How much they love each other as friends. Then she asked him to help to create an album of all her old workplace ( they used to work together). This is when the picture messaging started and the frequency of texts.

H said there were just texts on things that were happening in the day, giving each other advice. Updates on their lives. H would sometime say about the troubles we were having. We are having and still having great parenting issues with our 17 year old son. She is a single mother of a young son.

H is adamant he is telling the truth about what the texts were. There were a few 'I Love yous' too.
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Old 31st July 2013, 11:54 AM   #4
Helen_uk
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

You have every right to insist all contact is stopped. She has no right to have your H as a friend .

The only way your marriage is going to get back on track is if they have zero contact . From what you say , they no longer work together so they don't even need to have professional contact.

I'm afraid for this to work you are going to have to lay down some ground rules, and at the top of the list is that he deletes and blocks her number and refuses all further contact .

Telling another woman he loves her , even in the capacity of friend , is just not on given their history ( and I'd be very unhappy even if there hadn't been a previous EA if I found my H doing this ).

If he loves you and wants your marriage to work then contact with her has to stop.
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Old 31st July 2013, 12:14 PM   #5
MC123
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Thank you for your reply.

H is insistent that there will be no contact. I feel like a fool for giving him a second chance. H is aware of any contact etc..this is definitely over. I have transparency and he seems very remorseful but I am on edge knowing this is the second time. What hurts this time round is that there were difficulties in our sex lives during the past 18months and this have just been recently turned around.
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Old 31st July 2013, 12:46 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Quote:
Originally Posted by MC123 View Post
6 weeks ago, with approx 380 texts.

I have not seen the texts but I asked H and he said they were saying things like thanks for being a friend, initially. How much they love each other as friends. Then she asked him to help to create an album of all her old workplace ( they used to work together). This is when the picture messaging started and the frequency of texts.

H said there were just texts on things that were happening in the day, giving each other advice. Updates on their lives. H would sometime say about the troubles we were having. We are having and still having great parenting issues with our 17 year old son. She is a single mother of a young son.

H is adamant he is telling the truth about what the texts were. There were a few 'I Love yous' too.
Hmmm 380 texts is a LOT, and not just a quick 'wonder how she is' thing. Do you know who contacted who? You only have his word of what the pictures were and texts were, and the story of the pictures of the work place sounds very unlikely to me. Why would anyone want to do that?

It seems to me that he hasn't put her behind him, nor learnt his lesson, and saying 'I love you' to another woman is very serious. He should not be talking to her about your problems, nor your private lives.
If you hadn't found out, how long would it have lasted? Its easy to be sorry when you are found out. If he had told you and asked for forgiveness before you found out, that would have been far better.

I would give this time. He has shattered your trust twice now, and I would let him know that you are very unhappy about this second breaking of trust, and that at this time you are not sure that you want to give it another chance. Hopefully this will tell him how serious this is, and shake him up a bit. Let him stew a bit. He needs to know that he may loose his family.

If you do stay, have a think about the conditions that you want, such as full access to his phone and computer at any time with passwords. If there is any more contact of any sort, he needs to know that is it. I would suggest that he changes his phone number and email address and doesn't tell her. Of course you will have to trust him with that. See if you can get fully itemised phone bills, so if he deletes any calls/texts, you can see them. Of course he could always get another phone that you don't know about, but again you will have to trust him with that.
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Old 31st July 2013, 01:03 PM   #7
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

H text her first. He was fishing big time, said he felt lonely when we were arguing etc and she always listened to him, was never negative, cheerful etc. H was excited about the receiving the texts and gave him an ego boost. I did point about we deal in the reality of life.

Re the pictures etc, It does sound unusual, I said to H, she used this as an excuse to keep you texting and feeling needed and you fell for it. He admits this to be true. He felt needed by her in the previous EA, but no I Love yous. H explanations for the I love you was because she told him how much his friendship meant and how she loves him for it etc, and he responded. This point has really devastated me. I love him, but I don't know if I can walk away from the one person I truly love and stay with this knowledge tearing me apart.
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Old 31st July 2013, 03:27 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

What would be your conditions for staying? Does he know how seriously you are considering leaving the marriage?
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Old 31st July 2013, 04:33 PM   #9
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

I have looked at places to rent. I think H knows I am considering leaving the marriage and am torn. I veer towards wanting this badly to anger and resentment to what he has done and walking away.

Conditions for staying would be NC and commitment to me which he has promised me. IDK, a part of me really want to hurt him like he has hurt me.
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Old 31st July 2013, 05:41 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Do you think the trust can be built again? How will you know there is NC? Will he make sure his phone is available for you to look at? Will he give you all passwords?

Its very early days, only 5 days since you found out. Give it time before making any major decisions.
Personally I think he needs to be the one who leaves if it comes to that. Not sure if a separation would help or not. It may make him realise that you are serious, but it may also make him more likely to contact her again.

Honestly a married man being those close to a single women is madness. I cant answer for you, he had had a chance, but has done it again. It may be hard to trust after that.

Def sort out getting itemised phone bills, without him knowing you have them. At least then you will know if he does it again.

Last edited by chosen; 31st July 2013 at 05:46 PM.
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Old 1st August 2013, 08:05 AM   #11
MC123
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

H and I had a talk last night, he said he will do any thing I ask of him. H is transparent with his phones, ipad, etc..none of these are password protected and hasn't been from before.

In my mind, he seems very remorseful. H has answered my questions over and over again. I do think trust can be rebuilt but I am on edge to open myself up at this point. I want to be the one to leave as our son is better with his dad. We have a lot of issues and H is better at dealing with him. Also, lots of H dissatisfaction was due to my parenting and us arguing. I want H to experience what is like to get a 17 year old motivated to do anything.

H tells me lots of texts to OW was about this issue.
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Old 1st August 2013, 09:36 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Only you can decide but allow yourself time to think about it.
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Old 1st August 2013, 05:48 PM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

A system of accountability needs to be worked out. An open book to help rebuild the trust which will take a long time. Your thoughts about wanting to hurt him. Understandable but bad idea. Don't go there. If he is seriously repentant then he will submit to a plan which will help your trust and help you to know that it is totally finished for good. If you are brave enough and really mean it you could let him know that if it ever happens again then that is it. Don't say it though if you are unable to mean it.
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Old 2nd August 2013, 09:40 AM   #14
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

He could easily change his mobile phone number . ... If he did that then you'd know for sure she couldn't contact him, and if she did then you'd know he would have had to have made the decision to give her his new number .

He does sound remorseful , but then you've been there before. Would it help ? Him changing his number ?
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Old 2nd August 2013, 02:19 PM   #15
MC123
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Re: Here I am again.....at crossroads

Silly though it sounds, I don't want him to change his number. I want him to be openly transparent.

Big argument last night, same thing, arguing with son. I have asked him for support in this area but he said he can not give to me when I am out of order for yelling at him, seeing I am the adult here :-(

He says I have still got issues with anger. Beginning to get anxious again but do not want to go down the road of taking meds again.
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