Elo everyone, please bear with me as i am going to pour my heart.here is my story...
Today is Sunday and I no longer feel like going to church.I am married 4 years now and I am just tired, discouraged and angry.Not at God, but myself and my husband.
He is the perfect guy in a sense that, we both met virgin,and connected instantly and wanted to be together as soon as possible.I had trust in him as he was a good person, raised well, nice parents.unlike my parents who argued all the time.I felt secure.Even when few months before the wedding, he was pushing for sex, i didn't resist too long because i thought we are going to get married anyway so why wait for the D-day.that was my mistake i think...I was extremely commited church goer, part of the choir, evangelismand everything else you can think of...my church has a strong preaching basis.my husband 's dad is a pastor so he too basically grew up in a church.But my commitment faded away when we made up before the wedding and i was feeling obiously guitly and ashamed that i wasn't able to prove to my fiance at the time that i firmly believed in keeping myself for the wedding night.We both agree that we will join his dad's church but H.wanted to break away from his dad's hand upon his life so we set out to find a church that will fit both our liking and create a new begining from boh of us.
My disapointment started when I realised that H. was relying on me to make those kind of desicions.he would go to any church i would choose.basically , he would follow my lead.and it has been that for every part of our living together.I wasn't expecting to have a husband who just sit there and let the wife decide.i was not prepared for that.we moved church about3 or 4 times and everytime, i wasn't happy with the way things appear.and he would agree too and we will move on.you might say that i am quite attached to my old church but by respect for him, i don't want to drag him there.he dosen't like going there anyway but felt he had to.
Every Sunday, we go to church late because he waits for me to wake him up, and he is the one spending hours getting ready while i run everywhere to dress the kids as well as myself and wait by the car with everyone.I have never been in my whole life, late for church.it's about commitment.I am very disapointed to see him taking our commitment to church so lightly.may be he doesn't take me very seriously since i was able to sleep with him breaching my own line of conduct.
I found it difficult to go back to my old self of unswerving church worker.Having young children and a not so supportive H.might be part of it but is it really?it is just me.I am discouraged that he let me down.being a pastor's sn and having grew up in church doesn't necessarily mean, a person mind is transformed.
Secondly,I am a stay at home mom.
H.who has always lived with his parents and just moved out when we got married, was just learning about life.I don't think mentally he is prepare to grow up.that's the impression he gives me.If i need a hug from him, he will behave as if he is a poor child that needs affection.that turns me off.he doesn't get that i need a strong shoulder to rest my head.he will sometimes wants to put his head on my shoulders to have some sort of comfort.It might be just me but, i am very uncomfortable with this.
Thirdly, He lost his job seven month ago.well, he didn't lose it he simply resigned because he didn't like the position he was in.
He knew he could just resign because his dad was able to provide him financially.So he wanted to give himself time to find the right job for him.At first I understood his need to resign as he was unhappy with his employer.he used to come home stressed and tossed.but as the months goes by, i realised that i should have discouraged him to resign even though his dad could help us.Because He didn't have any need for emergency.he considered it as a holiday and time off.while it was good to see him lighten up and free from distress, I began to know him a bit more that we see each other 24/7...he is just lazy.he doesn't make enough effort to find the job he really wants.I suggested that since his dad can help, he can take the opportunity to even study something he really likes...he spent few month wondering what it is that he wants to do.I made an effort just to go along without saying anything.But i feel really ashamed when all he does is waiting until we are out of money and just go to his dad to get the mortgage and the bills money.
I am sure he must feel ashamed at some point but he doesn't have enough courage to take risks and own up.
I suggested that it's probaly time to run our own business since me and him have been doing on and off graphic and web design and print design.my heart has always been since i am at home to do that.I though he would make perfect sense to just devote ourseleves to it since we both have the ability that we have nothing else to loose.He just doesn't want to do it.he said he doesn't want the responsability of owning a business.
...basically he is just scared.too much responsability and paperwork with tax and all that...and most importantly, the job seeker's allowance will stop if he does start a business.what if the business doesn't work.
So he is happy just to carry on looking for job.he does have a strong CV and gets interviews quite often but no offers.
He metinonned for a time that he doesn't mind me going to work or he will stay home with the kids.
he then changed his statements realising how choqued i was, but i never forget that at the back of my mind, he just doesn't want any responsabilities.
I then decided to go on my own for the business idea and he is really not keen on me doing such things because it means , him loosing some benefits coz he is claiming for both of us.I am simply bored out of my head.I thought i am no longer let myself get discouraged again and i am just going to go for it...My knowledge is limited in such things but i want to go ahead and learn.I registered the company as limited and i am just getting aware of all the paperwork involved.He watches me and keeps complaining to me if i know all the steps involved that i am not doing things right, that business is not just a child play etc...he critizes my work, that i don't know how to pay attention to details in the designing of materials etc...I have just swichted myself off listening to him coz I am losing respect for him.I am internally discouraged and want to give up the idea and dissolve the company.coz I don't think i can do it on my own.
Since being with him, i am going downhill...it's my fault, how do i manage.
I don't want to have sex anymore.the only thing he is passionate about is sex.he thinks our marriage is just fine since sex is there.so his life is full.a great wife, kids ,sex whenever he wants to....what more a man need.
I don't like having sex with him anymore.I like sex but i don't need it as such. i don't feel any attraction or connection for him.
I don't want to do things i don't want to do anymore.church is good but it gets boring;preaching is flat,trying to maintain the children and not listenning to sermons.We go church every sunday and the rest of the week, we are not different from our cigarettes and weed smoking neighbours.
So this sunday, i said to H.I am not going to church.he said ia am going then.i said don't go on your own take at least one of the kids so i can get some sleeps.he complained that the kid will stop him listen to the sermon and i thought, yes that' swhy you like going to church with me because the whole responsability to maintain the children falls on my shoulders.
He grudgingly went out of the house with our daughter.
I tried to tell him we need some couple counselling.he thinks he doesn't need any of that.He doesn't understand why i want to complain to him all the time while all he does, is being nice to me and providing me with everything i need.he is nice to me, avoiding conflicts and serious talks.
He never does anything he is passionate about, doesn't go out, he doesn't have any male friends.the only interactions we have is when we go to see his dad every week end.
I have sort of disconnected with my old friends coz i thought i will consecrate my time with my family.i try now and then since he is at home, to go out to cinema on my own.he is a indoor person.he will never come up with things like , hun i am taking you out tonight. in 4 years, we have never been out.he is quite happy to have me do things but not when they get me passionate or entertain me more than the commitment i give the family, he will do anything to make me stop it.in a nice, and needy way so at the end i feel guilty.
I am so angry.
I don't want to divorce but i have been considering.i feel like going away somewhere but i know i wouldn't want to come back.I am quite happy to live on my own.and let him go to live with his dad.
I need to recollect my life.
please help me.