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Old 14th April 2006, 04:11 PM   #1
munkytiger
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Question Help please

I am due to get married in 6 weeks and I am starting to get extremely nervous about it. I am getting really worried as I don't know if it is just pre wedding nerves or if I am completely doing the wrong thing! My family and everyone is naturally very excited about the wedding and I was until a few weeks ago.

Now as the days get nearer I am getting more and more panicky and can't find the enthusiasm to continue with the preparations. I have talked to my other half and he is very concerned and running around trying to do anything he can to help. I have also confided in my mother but don't want to upset her.

There are a number of issues as to why I have these concerns, primarily his parents are very prominent in his life and I am very independent and would like them to back off a bit, but not sure that that will happen. We are very different individually as well (probably completely opposites really) I am very successful in my job and feel that I can't share this with my fiance as he runs his own business that he has worked in all his life and doesn't really understand what I do. He is really a wonderful person and we have a good life together and although there is nothing wrong with him I am terrified that I might be making a mistake. I have thought about this non stop for the past two weeks and I still dont know if this is normal or if I am weird!

I was previously engaged to my ex and although we didn't get this near to marrigae at all I am beginning to wonder if I have marriage issues ( I am the run away bride!)

My mother thinks I am depressed.

Does anyone out there relate to this at all?
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Old 14th April 2006, 07:22 PM   #2
Kate
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
Re: Help please

Dear Munkytiger,



I'm sorry to hear that you are getting anxious about your forthcoming marriage. Once the roller coaster of preparations have started and so many people are involved, you can begin to feel trapped when doubts emerge.



I don't think cold feet are rare. I remember having them the night before my wedding, but your concerns seem to run deeper.



What preparation have the two of you done? Often doing something like Engaged Encounter or Prepare can help you to work through issues you have skirted round and give you confidence that you have made the right decision. For more info see here



Being very different is not necessarily a problem, but it will bring benefits and challenges. My husband and I are different in many ways, but we bring different strengths to timed of difficulty and we have had to learn to accept each other's different ways of doing things and love each other in spite of differences.



When we get married we don't immediately know everything about each other even when we have lived together, first. There is lots more to learn and if we have the attitude of being willing to learn, accept and choose to love each other warts and all then we can build a happy marriage. Even if you begin to wonder if you are not the marrying kind, perhaps you struggle with risk rather than marriage. none of us know what the future will bring and that is exciting as well as a bit scary.



Why not to talk to your fiancé about your concerns and consider doign soem preparation even at this late stage.



All the best



Kate
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Old 15th April 2006, 10:47 AM   #3
munkytiger
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Re: Help please

Thank you for your kind words Kate. I understand what you are telling me but what concerns me most is that you say that you only had these thoughts on the night before your wedding, which what I expected to happen to me!

I have viewed the marriage preparation link that you gave me and there is certainly some good advice, for example the Myers Briggs personality test would be a great idea, but I have tried to go down this route before with regards to perhaps seeing a councillor but my other half won't hear of it.

What worries me isn't really about personality type though its more about background and upbringing and how we face our futures together. I think that we have completely different views about marriage, I see it as being a partnership and working together to the future as a team, I think he sees it as an extension of what we have now and at present I don't feel like I have a role to fulfil.

If we have any problems no matter how small or insignificant I feel that he turns to his parents in the first instance for support or help, he does all of the chores as I work late and I have a meal on the table when I get in. We haven't been intimate for a very long time either and that really worries me, as we have been together for less than 3 years. As I type I feel like I am betraying him as he is so good to me and I feel like I am being ungrateful and very selfish, but I haven't felt any "big bang" I do love him very much but I don't think that he is my soulmate! Does everybody find a soulmate though or am I just expecting something that is not real?

I am not frightened of being on my own at all, I am just very frightened that I am holding out for something that is unrealistic or unattainable I am very aware that my biological clock is ticking too. If we get married I think that we would be happy but I feel that I would have to make a lot of compromises without anyone realising that I am doing that, I know that in the end that this would make me resentful.

Am I thinking too hard and analysing this too much? Sometimes I wonder if I am just looking for faults?

I have lots of friends and a very big family but at the moment I feel so alone.
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Old 15th April 2006, 02:18 PM   #4
Kate
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,115
Re: Help please

Dear Munkytiger

You are bound to feel lonely because the one relationship that you need to be right, doesn’t seem that way at the moment. We can feel lonely surrounded by people if we don't think we are being understood.

The programmes that I mentioned aren't just about personality. Engaged Encounter is about talking with ach other about not only the sort of people we are but also what our hopes and dreams are for marriage, how we will make decisions and be involved in each other's lives.

Prepare has section on all sorts of things, again not just personality, but family background, beliefs and attitudes, all of which are important to share.

I do think that men tend to be rather matter of fact. If they are happy with things, they assume that their woman is, but you have different expectations, wanting to share much more, to be understood and valued. I expect you want to be pursued, in a sense, wooed, to be excited by your relationship. That stage tends to be at the beginning of a relationship and if you have been going out for quite a while or living together for a while, then it wears off, but romance can still happen, it's just slightly different and requires effort at times.

You say that your man is unwilling to go to counselling. That isn't what we would recommend before getting married unless there were serious problems. What most preparation does is to encourage you to explore topics that you need to talk through and to think about how you are going to actively build the sort of marriage that you want. Counselling implies there is something wrong, preparation is about building something healthy.

have you talked about his relationship with his parents. It is important for you both to leave behind your previous relationship in one sense and focus on your new family which is the two of you. It takes time to sort out how to relate to family members from your new position as a married couple and it's a challenge for most couples, but it does help to be aware that things may need to change.

If you really are unsure then why not ask him if you can postpone the wedding. That may sound drastic, but it is better for you both to be sure and pulling in the same direction, otherwise things will be even more painful if you go through with the wedding and then things go wrong, but do be sure that it is not just the commitment that you are afraid of and that you have done what you can to talk things through.

If you are getting married in church then go and talk to the minister. If not then do consider contacting one of the national organisations. If you find something suitable, don't sell it to your husband as to solve a problem but as an opportunity to get your marriage off to a flying start.
Kate
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Old 12th March 2007, 08:46 AM   #5
chloebee
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Re: Help please

Quote:
Originally Posted by munkytiger View Post
I am due to get married in 6 weeks and I am starting to get extremely nervous about it. I am getting really worried as I don't know if it is just pre wedding nerves or if I am completely doing the wrong thing! My family and everyone is naturally very excited about the wedding and I was until a few weeks ago.

Now as the days get nearer I am getting more and more panicky and can't find the enthusiasm to continue with the preparations. I have talked to my other half and he is very concerned and running around trying to do anything he can to help. I have also confided in my mother but don't want to upset her.

There are a number of issues as to why I have these concerns, primarily his parents are very prominent in his life and I am very independent and would like them to back off a bit, but not sure that that will happen. We are very different individually as well (probably completely opposites really) I am very successful in my job and feel that I can't share this with my fiance as he runs his own business that he has worked in all his life and doesn't really understand what I do. He is really a wonderful person and we have a good life together and although there is nothing wrong with him I am terrified that I might be making a mistake. I have thought about this non stop for the past two weeks and I still dont know if this is normal or if I am weird!

I was previously engaged to my ex and although we didn't get this near to marrigae at all I am beginning to wonder if I have marriage issues ( I am the run away bride!)

My mother thinks I am depressed.

Does anyone out there relate to this at all?
I think this is quite normal. I guess you feel more pabicky right now because you had a not so good experience in the past. I suggest that you find some time to just be by yourself, relax, meditate and pray and I'm sure everything will fall into place. Goodluck!

========================

Last edited by Kate; 13th March 2007 at 12:19 PM. Reason: Removing advertising link
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