Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 17th August 2010, 08:54 PM   #1
Scarletrook
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Engagement weirdness: Help please

Hi everyone,
I’m brand new and wanted to say hi before I dive right into my question. So hello there and imagine a cheerful wave! ^_^ I’m afraid this may get pretty long and detailed, so thank you in advance for you kindness in reading all my ramblings.

I’m a little confused about how I should take something that happened between my boyfriend and I a day or two ago and how I should proceed. I need to take you back a little bit in time. About three weeks ago I asked him how he felt about getting married roughly around this time next year. (We had both been hinting around a bit here and there about it for a couple of months so I thought it was a pretty safe thing to bring up.) He said he liked the idea and we even spoke a little bit about possible dates. Over the next couple of weeks a couple of other things were casually mentioned and nothing seemed to be amiss when they were spoken of. Suddenly a couple of days ago he asked me what all I thought would be involved in planning the wedding so I pulled out my iPhone and began reading a basic break down that an app I had on there had created for me.


He started to look extremely uncomfortable and I immediately knew something was wrong. Even though he continued with the conversation as though everything was fine I knew everything was NOT fine. I went over to him and told him that if at any time he felt like he didn’t want to do this or he wasn’t ready or whatever to please tell me. He said he was suddenly extremely nervous when I began naming all the stuff that had to be done and that his heart had begun to race. He said he needed some time to think about WHY that had happened and he couldn’t really tell me right then.


I had to go to work in just a few minutes and was not pleased at all to have to leave right in the middle of this and suddenly became extremely angry. Not that he had been honest, I was very glad for that actually; I think I felt angry because I felt stupid. Like I thought everything was fine and good and that we had moved to this point together when in reality just the IDEA of marrying me caused him extreme anxiety. I found that very hurtful.


Because of my sudden anger I was only able to wait about 30 minutes before I had to call him on my cell (on my way to work) and ask him what the &*^% his deal was and would he at least TRY to tell me what made him nervous because there was no way I could work all day without knowing what was up. That conversation really didn’t go well and I basically said that I didn’t think he was ready and that I was an idiot to think he would ever be ready, and let's just forget the whole thing, etc.


When I got home from work that evening he said that he felt like we were putting the cart before the horse because he had not even asked me to marry him yet and wanted to know if I wanted a ring . When I said that I did he said that he wanted to go looking for rings this weekend and then he wanted to hold on to the ring until he thought of a cool special thing he could do as a proposal.


I’m really confused by all this. We are both VERY practical people and it never occurred to me that he would want to do a traditional proposal with all the trimmings. I’m trying to figure out now if I just totally pegged him wrong (that he’s far more romantic than I thought) or if this is some kind of stall tactic because he’s not really ready to get engaged or married but he thinks getting the ring and sitting on/hiding it (for however long it takes him to be ready to give it to me) is going to make me feel better; like it’s a pacifier of sorts. There is also an issue of control that I can’t put my finger on that makes me slightly uncomfortable as well. Like he has to be the one to initiate all of this or he won’t feel like a “real man”. I’ve never done well with traditional gender roles so there’s something mildly offensive about that to me. But at the same time part of me thinks it’s very sweet that it seems to mean so much to him that we do it the “right” way.


Any ideas you guys have on this would be great! I’d love to hear from both men and women so I can see if there are two distinct sides to this or if I’m just being weird and difficult all the way around. ^_^ Oh, it may be important to know that we’ve been together for a year and a half and lived together for 6 months.

Thanks for reading and for any ideas!

- Scarlet

Last edited by Scarletrook; 17th August 2010 at 08:55 PM. Reason: Bad Spacing
  Reply With Quote
Old 17th August 2010, 09:31 PM   #2
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,770
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

Hi Scarlett
I think that you need to wait till he asks you. If he isnt ready he isnt ready,and the last thing you want is to be marrying a guy who is being pressured. He may well pull out way along the line, or even at the last minute. Do you want a reluctant bridegroom or someone who is keen and excited?
You may not agree with this but I would recommend that you live apart. Why would he want to go to all the trouble and expense of getting married if he is already living as if he is already married? I expect he dosnt feel the need to take that step as he already has what he wants and doesnt have to committ fully.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th August 2010, 09:41 PM   #3
Scarletrook
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Hi Scarlett
I think that you need to wait till he asks you. If he isnt ready he isnt ready,and the last thing you want is to be marrying a guy who is being pressured. He may well pull out way along the line, or even at the last minute. Do you want a reluctant bridegroom or someone who is keen and excited?
You may not agree with this but I would recommend that you live apart. Why would he want to go to all the trouble and expense of getting married if he is already living as if he is already married? I expect he dosnt feel the need to take that step as he already has what he wants and doesnt have to committ fully.
Thank you for your thoughts.
  Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2011, 02:03 AM   #4
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,006
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

Dear Scarlettrook..

You moved in with him with one agenda (to get him to marry you.) He moved in with another agenda (NOT to have to make a committment and get all the benfits of marriage without the ceremony.) This is a mistake many women make. It does NOT lead to marriage.

In America, we say,"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free!" So now you want to hold him up for a ring and a flowery proposal? I think it is NOT going to happen.

Maybe you can do it this way. Pack your bags and go home to your mother..or wherever you were before you made this fatal error. Sometimes a man will be so shocked and he gets the point that you seriously do not want to live in sin (although you already did.)

Maybe he says to himself..."Darn, no more cooking, cleaning and sexual services ..Well, OK, it wasn't th t great anyway." You set yourself up for this when you played loose with your moral
teaching you got hopefully, from your mother. I know she must have told you this was a mistake?
Yes, I know, There are 65% of couples today living without benefit of marriage.

The thing is...they are honest about it, as they planned it that way. The women are usually OK with not getting married. You played marital Poker with a covered hand, because for you it was the bait you used to get a wedding ring. Rethink this whole thing.

Do you really want to marry this guy who is so lackluster on this performance he gave. He does not sound like a great catch to me! Maybe he did you a favor to show his colors now before you DID get into a marriage with him? I hope you took care of the pregnancy angle and were NOT going to spring that on him to get a ring.

Young lady, If you get out of this one, don't repeat this episode. Keep to your own place. Don't share bed and breakfast unless you really don't care about getting married. Most men won't be convinced it's a good deal once the milk is free.

This is an old thread..do we hear the update?
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th July 2011, 10:23 AM   #5
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

Hi

I would say, welcome to our club lol If you sensed something fishy going on, probably, there is something going on (usually). Once you are involved with someone else (besides yourself), whatever you want to achieve is also dependent on someone else which you have no control of. That's the difficulty of any relationship. You think about A and he wants C, for example.

He may well have a control issue and a few other issues; he doesn't say what he's thinking etc etc when a communication is needed. If you think he did something which makes you very angry at this stage (so called, a "honeymoon" stage), probably this man won't be good enough for you? Is he really in love with you? It's not a good sign?

1aokgal could well be right. You need to be careful. Men can separate love and sex whilst females are quickly catching up in this department they say. More than a few men (I don't have any quantified number) would go for a companionship/sex even when he does not necessarily think you are the "one". (you are "the one for the next 6 months" for example). Men generally don't like to be alone and if he lives with a gf, it helps him avoid hunting down for sex, so while he's waiting for the one, he's happily in a relationship for the time being. But his gf has something else in mind etc etc.

xx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th July 2011, 04:50 PM   #6
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,770
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

Brain I cant agree that you need to live together to know someone well.Did you know that if a couple live together before marriage, they are more likely to divorce?That sort of disproves that living together helps.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th July 2011, 10:28 PM   #7
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,006
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

That is just what the social statistics say happens most. The couple who are not married will later separate. It proves the old adage, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"

Trial marriages are a big mistake, especially as men and woman have different expectations of that plan. If there is no committment, then couples often don't survive minor problems that occur. Married couples make concessions and work things through. Cohabiting couples bail when things get tough.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th July 2011, 07:43 PM   #8
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,770
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

I wouldnt want to marry a man who wanted to live togather,so thats where we are different. The thing is that when I married in the 70's, practically no one lived together, and the divorce rate was far lower. Now practically everyone does live together, and the divorce rate is extreemly high. I suppose that for me marriage is a committment for life and not a trial, wheras many live together to test each other out incase they dont get on. Would you think that was a fair assumption Brain?
The thing is that its all about compromise and accepting each other as we are and not as we want each other to be isnt it?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th July 2011, 06:22 PM   #9
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

Hi Brain

You have probably summed up "marriage" in 21st Century in a nutshell.

xx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th July 2011, 11:38 AM   #10
Chamomile
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 816
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

Hi Brain xx

Ha ha.. It's always good to have a fresh face with some refreshing analysis on this site!

xxx
Chamomile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th July 2011, 10:55 PM   #11
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,770
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

yes things have changed for women, but for me living together before marriage is still a no no. I married for the second time 6 years ago and I felt even more strongly about it this time than I did when I married for the first time in the 70's. My son married this year, and they didnt live together, and my daughter is getting married in 9 months, and they arent going to live together either, so it still happens even though they all work full time and have been to uni and are independant. Yes it is cheaper, but some things are more important than that,and you can always share a home with a friend to save money, which is what my daughter is doing till she gets married. I do appreciate though that the norm today is to live together which is sad.
I guess we are see things differently, but I would never live with a guy unless he was prepared to get married first.You can get to know someone extreemly well without sharing a home with them.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th July 2011, 03:22 PM   #12
1aokgal
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,006
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

Here is where I agree with Chosen. It seems a waste of time to spend, possibly years, living in a limbo lifestyle which is a sham. I would be embarrassed to introduce a "roomie" with benefits to friends.

I wasn't a young girl when I told my present husband "I won't live in sin." We had a lovely wedding. I figured I would be the fool to live in a pretend marriage. There was also concern that my young daughter would rely on a that man who might not be there a few years later. It wasn't rational to play house with a man, when what I wanted was a life companion.

My sister was in her late 30's, divorced, and she lived with her present husband for years before they married. It made me very uncomfortable to be in the home and my parents weren't crazy about it either.

The statistics read that 65% of couples today live together. They also say that most of these relationships never make it to the altar. I think men are more accepting of live-ins than women. I have no understanding of couples who don't marry and bring children into that situation.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th October 2011 at 02:07 AM.
1aokgal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th February 2012, 07:35 AM   #13
lisatheweddingplanner
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

It's different to talk about marriage than to actually have concrete plans. Talking about marriage is also not the same as being engaged. It's hard to get over-excited about just talking about it, but I do agree that you might need to just let him wait until he asks you. Maybe just leave the topic alone for awhile.
  Reply With Quote
Old 22nd May 2012, 06:16 PM   #14
Beenthere2
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Engagement weirdness: Help please

I was engaged to a man who never wanted to get married. Dragged his feet, hyperventilated just at the word 'marriage', at least it seemed to me.

Fast forward, I did meet a man who wanted to marry me. And he was the one pushing brochures and marriage things in my face. I saw the difference between someone who wants to get married, and someone who doesn't.

You love him, and it sounds like he loves you. Back off, and tell him you agree with him and throw the ball in his court. You on the other hand, enjoy the time you have together, but keep your eyes open.

Marriage can be great, but if you want a shot of reality, peruse the posts under Marriage Help....take your time.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 06:25 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright 1999-2017 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer