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Old 9th March 2012, 02:49 AM   #31
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

You seem determined to get married to whoever appears on the scene! What is the big rush? Marriage is FOREVER. A car you buy because you like it. You trade it in a few years later for something newer. A husband is around until your hair turns grey and then some.
One of the greatest tasks for a woman, when she marries, is to find a man who is decent, moral, carring and motivated. That is best done with care, thought and love, and we hope that will last for all the years ahead.

You weren't all that attracted to this man (or the other one either) and kept trying to make that guy fit to get him to marry you. Where are your girlfriends and family to do things with, instead of a guy, whether you like him or not? It isn't the free lunches/dinners, is it? You should be working on your career, more education, and having enjoyable times with friends...not going out with someone you are lukewarm about. It isn't fair to tie up a mans' time so you can look him over and keep him around to meet (perhaps) your ego needs.

Remember, all the sweetness and willing to please at the beginning isn't because he wants to get married! You think marriage, men think about sex, and what he needs to do to get to home plate. Of course, they jump through many hurdles to please a woman at that stage. How do you tell the man he is not your type or you want off the marry-go-round of seeing someone you aren't daffy about. Here are ways you tell him.

How do you tell him? "Thank you very much, but I made plans with friends this weekend. Thanks, but I have a lot of studying to do in the next couple of weeks. I enjoyed to see you and spend some time, but I need to put time into my job. Right now, I'd rather not get involved in anything serious. or I need some time to think about the future and goals I set for myself. Get too busy and don't return his calls. That is kinder than to play the man for your comfort. There are PLENTY of women out there. He will get out there as fast as a wink!
You would be AMAZED at how fast he will be standing on another womans' doorstep. He will get over you quickly enough!

He will get the picture and quickly move on. I think your self confidence needs are such you seem to need a lot of reassurance from men. You should be secure in yourself. A woman can have dates/friends without that leading to marriage. Stay out of sticky situations and stay out of the clinches. Don't go to a mans' apartment and don't linger in his car after an outing. Play it straight and you will meet someone in time. NO rush.

For myself, I put dating off the calendar and concentrated on career and education and met my husband by chance. One of the things he liked about me was I was focused on improving my career and didn't give men any time. It interested him that I had goals.

A woman so anxiety ridden to marry is not that attractive to most men. That shows one is needy and a man will shy away from that. Set some goals for yourself and wait to meet the right one. Don't marry in haste and end up in years of regret.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 10th March 2012 at 04:53 PM.
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Old 26th May 2012, 07:05 PM   #32
freegirl
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Re: Should I say yes?

So I'm back. I want to update you on what happened to my relationship with this guy.

I decided to give him a shot and dated him for a few months. He turned out to actually be quite a nice guy and I started to like him lots and maybe there were a few sparks. However eventually it seemed that our relationship reached a dead-end. Sure he still wanted to marry me but, for me it meant having to give up alot in my life to be with him and yet he didn't seem to be happy with that. In addition I also figured out that his priorities were somewhat off track and that was probably the reason why he was still single. All in all I was very straightforward with him. I didn't play any mind games and told him that it doesn't seem to be working out as of now and we should just try and figure out things on our own for the time being.

One thing I did learn from this experience is that sometimes even when you try to make things workout, if it's not meant to be then it won't happen. So the best thing you can do for yourself is to do what makes you happy and the rest will fall into place. Being a believer this also goes to show that nothing can happen without God's will and I prayed for His guidance daily and I believe He showed me the right path. Surprisingly I feel abit bad for ending things because I did develop feelings for him but at the same time also feel liberated. I have no regrets for having dated him...I think it was a learning experience for me. I'm also glad I took advise from this forum which helped me to be cautious in this matter as most of my friends were keen on me getting married to him. I'm now going to concentrate more on building my own career and let's see where I land
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Old 26th May 2012, 07:46 PM   #33
Raymond
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Re: Should I say yes?

I think you will know it when it's right Freegirl. There will be a chemical attraction and you will have peace about it as well.

Sounds a bit like me. I was kind of dating a girl. We thought on similar lines spiritually. I was kind of drifting into marriage and in my head things were right. Kind of platonic if anything. Deep down in my heart though it was not right. There has to be some oomph! in it as well. At this time there was someone madly in love with me and couldn't eat her food, but I didn't know about it. It took two years to come out. When it did I knew she was the one after going out with her for a while. She didn't tell me because she had rejected me quite a few years before. The pastor had to tell me in the end. So things can change.

I would say it needs to be right in your head in your heart (chemical attraction, physical as well) and also peace. The peace was the primary thing for me.

I think you are very wise to call it off and really think and pray about it. It is about the most important decision you will ever make, apart from receiving Christ of course.
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Old 1st June 2012, 04:00 PM   #34
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

Freegirl..

It sounds as if you matured a lot in your thinking about the future. Congratulations in your good judgment and sound reasoning. Love will come to you one day and it is worth waiting for the right one.

When you put work on your education and career, you increase your worth as a future marriage partner. There is increased confidence that you seek a life partner, and not a caretaker. You will bring the best dowry to your husband in future with virtue and education. As you mature, you will find men are drawn to you because you have goals and direction. You cannot teach and guide your children in future if you have no knowledge yourself.

Be patient and you will find the right person.
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Old 23rd June 2012, 10:25 PM   #35
robin
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Re: Should I say yes?

absolutely no no no no no, you will regret being with someone you have no physical attraction to in the future - see my thread from 2005.
Of course you will meet someone else! Just make sure it's not when you are married to someone else at the time! Unfortunately when you are not physically attracted to someone from the start it is highly unlikely that attraction will grow.
Please do not consider taking this step,
from someone who made the same mistake many years agoxxx
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Old 24th June 2012, 06:00 PM   #36
Raymond
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Re: Should I say yes?

You are right. It doesn't come out of nothing. If you don't get a good start you can be a bit handicapped. Eros can survive in marriage if you have it at the start even though it may need a bit of tending. Rather like a good garden with beautiful flowers needs tending and weeding at times long term. A marriage is far more than platonic with sex thrown in and it would be a mistake to enter it on that basis.
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Old 5th September 2012, 10:53 PM   #37
freegirl
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Re: Should I say yes?

Hi everyone! Thanks for all the advise all of u gave me. I'm now in a new predicament and need some advise once again.

I had been invited to a family friends party awhile ago where I met someone. I was not able to talk to him for very long because I was helping out my friend with the party (probably talked to him for 15 mins). A few days back he got my contact from my friend and asked me on a date. Now the predicament I have is whether or not to pursue this further because of some issues which are as follows:

1. We both come from different social backgrounds and I'm not sure how that works out out in a relationship in the long run. I mean this in a very humble manner but my schooling has generally being much better than him right from the start and I have traveled more and had more exposure to dealing with different kinds of people. I also felt that in our 15min conversation I was also more mature although maybe that was probably not sufficient time to determine our intellectual maturity.
2. We have very different kind of jobs and mine is more demanding and time consuming and hence I generally earn abit more. My level of education is also abit higher. Maybe I'm just traditional but I always thought that the man should be the main bread-winner of the house.

Having talked about my concerns, there are also some significant pros about him:
1. He is by far one of the most handsome men I have ever met, so attraction to him is not at all a problem in this case.
2. Being only 1.5yrs older than me, he has the advantage of being within my age group.
3. With whatever resources he had available to him, he has managed to do something with his life and may be an indicative of potential for success.
4. My family friend told me he's a nice guy (although I think that's always subjective to what one thinks as 'nice')

Now my biggest concern here is can relationships workout well when u have a difference in social class and upbringing? Will we have problems interacting with each others friends and family? If I do better in my career than him will it cause friction?

I'm asking for advise here because I don't want to end up in a sticky situation again. Your feedback will be appreciated. Thanks!
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Old 6th September 2012, 01:57 AM   #38
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

Freegirl..

You are looking him over like a horse you consider to buy. It is a date..not an event. Women can date different men and we don't look them over for serious defects based on social class unless he is a garbage collector and you are a PH.D. Enjoy a coffee, a movie, a walk in the park, trip to the zoo. All men are not prospects. Some are just nice acquaintances.

If you are so critical of everything about a man who asks you for a date you may end up a spinster. Relax and have fun and make a friend. Lighten up on the critique. Be a friend and enjoy time to meet others. If in doubt go out with another young couple.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th September 2012 at 02:59 AM.
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Old 6th September 2012, 05:23 AM   #39
chosen
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Re: Should I say yes?

If it is SO important to you that a man has to have the same qualifications and can earn as much as you then how can it work? On the other hand if you are looking for a good man with honesty and integrity then give him a chance.
I have never been bothered by whether a person has a degree or whatever, as in my experience it makes no difference to a persons general intelligence, good life skills, wisdom, common sense or whether they are good husbands or wives. Its all just a few letters after your name, pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things. It also doesnt guarantee more money in work, or even that you can get work these days in the UK.

When I asked God what I wanted in a husband I never even mentioned education or money or what he earned, these things arent important to me. A willingness to work, honesty, good morals, integrity, faithfullness, kindness, patience, and a good sense of humour are to me what matter.

Last edited by chosen; 6th September 2012 at 11:06 AM.
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Old 6th September 2012, 06:00 AM   #40
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

This man is also young, so he may achieve more than where he is now. Good to ask him about his plans/ goals ahead. He is still developing his life plan. Dating a few different men helps give focus about what one hopes to find in a man. I think a good education is important and social skills and that you can see pretty quickly.
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Old 6th September 2012, 07:47 PM   #41
Raymond
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Re: Should I say yes?

Personally I don't believe in dating for the sake of it. Having a view that maybe this could be the one is quite reasonable but these things cannot be rushed. You haven't said whether he has asked you out so you are not in a position of having to make a sudden decision. Why not get to know him as part of a group to start with until you are more sure of how you feel? Maybe courting (to see if you are right for each other) will follow on.

As for the class divide you have to rely on your gut feeling. It can work and it can't work. It depends on the couple involved. If he is the right person for you then he is the right person whatever the background. I am assuming he is a christian. That is very important if you are one. I think character judgements are more important than class divides. You need more than just the outward appearance.

Whilst the heart is very important using your head is advisable too. The most important thing to my mind is God's peace but the other still has to be worked out as well. That is our part.
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Old 6th September 2012, 08:52 PM   #42
chosen
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Re: Should I say yes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Personally I don't believe in dating for the sake of it. Having a view that maybe this could be the one is quite reasonable but these things cannot be rushed. You haven't said whether he has asked you out so you are not in a position of having to make a sudden decision. Why not get to know him as part of a group to start with until you are more sure of how you feel? Maybe courting (to see if you are right for each other) will follow on.

As for the class divide you have to rely on your gut feeling. It can work and it can't work. It depends on the couple involved. If he is the right person for you then he is the right person whatever the background. I am assuming he is a christian. That is very important if you are one. I think character judgements are more important than class divides. You need more than just the outward appearance.

Whilst the heart is very important using your head is advisable too. The most important thing to my mind is God's peace but the other still has to be worked out as well. That is our part.
Character and faith Raymond as you said. If you are a Christian free girl, dont even consider a guy who isnt one. Its not worth it.
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Old 6th September 2012, 10:22 PM   #43
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

A few dates are part of the social experience for young women. I agree with above statments. Don't even consider a different faith, it just doesn't work. You should have some some reference from others that he is known to be a person of good moral character, employed, etc. These things are basics.

The issue of personal safety for young woman is very important today. So good judgment about the person and structure for the date is important. Guys used to meet parents and set a return time. Later, I always let someone know my plans, personal info on the date, and return time. Leave it with someone so there is security.
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Old 9th September 2012, 04:00 PM   #44
janet
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Re: Should I say yes?

Quote:
You are looking him over like a horse you consider to buy.
True words, you are analysing the situation and it seems there is no feeling involved.
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