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Old 10th January 2012, 04:22 PM   #16
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

I knew the 2nd day. I met him the evening before, and he asked me for a date to go the next day to visit a nearby historic city. I always spent Sunday to do things with my 3 yr. old daughter. He said to bring her along and go with him. She was taken with him, as he had a way with kids.

We sat under an umbrella on a shaded bench, while she munched on an ice cream cone. We talked about travel and things we liked. It exactly hit me as, " I could listen to this man forever!" He is still always literate and attractive to me. It's 31 years, and I haven't heard it all yet. We married in a lovely church ceremony on the 25th day. It was quite a task to set that up with reception and all the details. I got the only church in the area where the minister could perform the ceremony in German here in this city in the US. It was amazing!

Chosen, a great story and how wonderful for you. I talked to a lady online yesterday and she is in Australia . She met her husband online, and went there to be with him. They are together two years now and she is very happy.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 10th March 2012 at 03:02 AM.
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Old 10th January 2012, 05:39 PM   #17
chosen
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Re: Should I say yes?

I know a man from here in the Uk who met an American lady on line, and he went there to visit a couple of times and she visited the uk and later they got married. My Australian man was living here though, only about 25 miles away actually. In fact he knew the place that I live very well, because he and his ex had been here frequently visiting her parents, who then only lived about 200 metres away from where I live. Small world.
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Old 11th January 2012, 12:36 AM   #18
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

What we are saying here is that one should never "settle" in desperate haste or marry for reasons other than love. Forever is a long time. One should put serious consideration into the selection of a life mate. That is a bigger selection than buying a pair of shoes.

Is he a good listener? Does he have moral integrity and ideals? Does he hold women in respect? Does he show jealousy and control issues or believes you make reasonable decisions. Does the man have the work ethic and does he have a good relationship with his own family? Does he desire or like kids, if that is a consideration? Are there shadows in the mans' background that need to be considered? What is his romantic track record? Why did past relationships fail?

Is he financially responsible and shows he is temperate and stable? What are his goals?

Does he take care of himself physically? What interests do you have in common? These are all the list of considerations for a husband. Somehow this all falls into place with the one the universe has selected for you.
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Old 11th January 2012, 09:02 AM   #19
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Re: Should I say yes?

As far as this man is concerned he does share moral and spiritual beliefs to mine. He respects me, is a kind-hearted person and takes good care of his health. He has most of the things that I want in a partner except 2 things which I feel are necessary...looks and the right age. Am I being selfish and superficial??

I was in a relationship about a year ago. He was a friend of mine that I had known for 3yrs before we dated for nearly 2yrs. We had a 'connection' and could talk endlessly. However at the back of our minds we knew that our relationship would not last because of our difference in spirituality. However surprisingly spirituality wasn't the reason we eventually broke up. As our relationship grew older he became lazy and wouldn't put in enough effort to make time for the 2 of us and it was always me that was trying to get him to make time. It started to make me feel needy and eventually I got frustrated and unhappy which, ultimately lead to our break up. Ironically we're still good friends even after that but have no romantic interest. This just makes me wonder whether without a 'connection' can a relationship still survive considering mine didn't despite it?
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Old 11th January 2012, 01:12 PM   #20
chosen
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Re: Should I say yes?

I must say that when I became single again after my divorce, I wasnt prepared to consider a much older man, but we are all different. The looks though, we do need to like the way our spouse looks. We will be looking at them for the rest of our lives. We will be having sex with them. If we arent attracted to them, that will make things very hard. They dont need to be the most attractive people in the world, but they do need to be attractive to us.
If I were you I would just tell him that at this time you cannot agree to marry him, but that you would need to get to know him properly. If you feel that you could never find him attractive in that way, then you need to let him go.
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Old 12th January 2012, 01:22 PM   #21
Raymond
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Re: Should I say yes?

I think it goes back to chemical attraction freegirl for want of a better word.

This man seems to have everything apart from being younger and goodlooking. That will become less crucial if you have that chemical attraction. CA isn't everything but it needs to be there with all the other things in my view. We can be attracted to some awful people so we have to use our heads as well.

What do you mean in differences of spirituality? Does this person have what you need in that area? I once knew a girl for a few years. In my head she had everything but I had to admit in the end that I didn't love her in the romantic sense however well we got on. There was not enough there to make a marriage. Whether women are different to men in that they will adjust to someone they are not in love with initially I don't know. For me I knew it would be a mistake and do have a marriage with a wonderful person for many years now where I did have some chemical attraction. I don't think we are computers. Something needs to shake the ground a little doesn't it?
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Old 13th January 2012, 03:44 AM   #22
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

If you introduced him to others would you be embarrassed because he is not good looking and older? Remember as the years pass the hair can get thinner, and looks fade. One likes to think we age gracefully, and the spouse maintains as well, presentable looks. If he is not all that attractive to begin with..how will he age in 20 years?

My husband was good looking then, and he is still good looking, though his full head of heair curly is not black anymore, but nice greyish color. We select a person who compliments us.
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Old 13th January 2012, 04:28 AM   #23
chosen
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Re: Should I say yes?

I think that its great that we are all attacted to different types of people. I have friends who are married to guys who are really nice but there is no way that I would be attracted to them, but they are, and thats what matters, and my husband is very attractive to me. We dont need to have someone who is conventionally attractive according to the worlds standards of looks, as long as we love them and love being with them. I think that for a woman, the mans personality and character are very much part of the attraction, that and a good sense of humour! Also I am attracted to my husband because of his integrity and high moral values, because those things are very important to me, but alone that would not be enough if that 'spark' wasnt there.
I mean the men who the world seems to find attractive do nothing for me, can take them or leave them, in fact arrogance in a man is a real turn off for me so if a guy knows that he is attractive then that makes him very unnattractive if you see what I mean. Cant bear those 'muscle men' sort of guys who buff and polish their bodies and work out all the time and then expect women to fall at their feet!!!

However if a person has to ask about it that usually means that 'it' isnt there.That certain 'something' isnt there.

Last edited by chosen; 13th January 2012 at 02:37 PM.
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Old 13th January 2012, 12:43 PM   #24
Raymond
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Re: Should I say yes?

You sound like my wife Chosen.

I think chemical attraction is partly to do with appearance. I find that one has to appreciate someones good points and not dwell on imperfections. We all have imperfections and assets. Part of love is seeing the good and accepting imperfections. The main thing as you say is the person but physical assets are a bonus.
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Old 3rd February 2012, 10:31 AM   #25
freegirl
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Re: Should I say yes?

What I meant by difference in spirituality was that the man I was dating belonged to a different religion from mine. I respect all religions but if I were to marry someone whom I didn't share a common religion with what would our children follow...would they be half of mine and half of his? Religion is very important part of my life and I wouldn't want to compromise on it. He was willing to continue dating indefinitely without the commitment of marriage, however that wasn't something I was comfortable with.

How do you know when you love someone? Do you just get a strong desire to be with them. How would you differentiate that from lust? With this older man I can talk to him for hours but honestly I don't feel any 'sparks.' I actually sometimes find it difficult to totally open up to him when he asks me personal questions. Although that might in part be due to me being cautious. Do 'sparks' take so much time to develop or would you with just a few dates?
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Old 3rd February 2012, 10:25 PM   #26
1aokgal
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Re: Should I say yes?

Freegirl..

You keep trying to get this man to "fit" when it is a sure thing you feel uncomfortable when he gets to personal questions. You wish you were somewhere else. What is your rush to hook up here? Are your family putting a lot of pressure for you to accept this man as a serious boyfriend?

What will happen if you say you will marry, without the feelings one needs, to make a marriage work? Can you picture this old..older man with his hands inside your clothes and in private areas? No, thank you, if you don't love and care about a man you sure don't want any intimate touch!

You are not being fair to this man as things are going. He thinks all he has to do is say or do the right things and he will get a yes from you. He should be free to find someone who cares about HIM as he cares for her. You hold him in a friendship, when you are on different paths.

Love is when you like the man and what he says and how he carries himself. Love is when you feel warm and good about him. Real sparks and attraction can happen when you first look in his eyes. I knew right away my husband was the right man for me and the early days of the friendship he was everything to me. He is still is that way to me all these years later.

Money is lost and flash can fade. So if you want to be with someone for just what he has ..that might not last. I think it is important to find a man secure, a hard working man of moderate habits. He should be ready to take on a wife, just as a woman needs to bring some things to the table. She should have a decent education and not be an airhead.
You can never force a romance when it isn't there! 50% of marriages end in divorce today, and that is with people who married for "until death us do part." Make sure everything is right.

Tell the man goodbye, and go on and do things for yourself until you meet the right one! You would hate a marriage where you have to grit your teeth when he kisses you!

Last edited by 1aokgal; 4th February 2012 at 12:46 AM.
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Old 3rd February 2012, 10:25 PM   #27
chosen
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Re: Should I say yes?

I agree with the religion thing. I am a Christian and would never marry a guy who wasnt. God isnt just part of my life, He is in my whole life, and not to be able to share that would be unthinkable.
Ths older man sounds like friend material, but if there are no sparks or no chemical attraction, then I cant see it working. To be honest freegirl, if you have to ask it isnt there.

Before I met my husband on the internet. I had met up with 3 other men in person. There was nothing. They were nice guys, but no spark, no conection, no chemistry. I knew immediatly that my husband was the guy. I Loved everything about him. His face, his voice, his accent(he is Australian), his intergrity, his humour, his faith, what he wrote on his emails, just ALL of him. We just clicked immediatly, and were always on the same wave length.

What is your gut feeling? If your gut feeling says that he isnt the one, then thats probably right. Dont go by what he or the families think or want, dont let them pressure you, go with what YOU feel. There is no way that he should have mentioned marriage after such a short time anyway, you barely know each other it seems to me.
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Old 4th February 2012, 10:19 PM   #28
Raymond
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Re: Should I say yes?

I also think faith is very important. Are you talking about a different denomination or a completely different religion?

I also believe there should be a spark and you do know if it is there. I believe you also have to use your head and this religion thing could be important. One can get a spark for the wrong person so using your head is important too.
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Old 20th February 2012, 09:55 AM   #29
Raymond
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Re: Should I say yes?

I agree. One cannot contrive these things.
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Old 8th March 2012, 10:22 AM   #30
freegirl
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Re: Should I say yes?

By different religion I mean not a different sect but indeed a different religion. In any case I think I'm actually totally over this previous guy. I sometimes think things happened for the better. He never had enough time for me I wouldn't have been happy always having to push him to make time. Although the ironic thing is he never really fitted into any of the 'criteria' I had for what I was looking for in a partner. We just became good friends and eventually started dating. At the end of it all I realized I wasn't happy. Does this mean we should stick to our criteria? Do people in our criteria actually exist?

As far as this older man is concerned I asked him to give me time to get to know him and he's been understanding of it. I've now known him for 2.5months and we both seem to be able to talk for hours. I do know for a fact that he's head over heels about me from the things he does for me and how he talks to me. Only problem is I'm not head over heels for him. He'll most definitely make a great husband as he seems to be very compromising and willing to make things work. However after knowing him for this duration and me still having doubts I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to plunge into it and I can't keep him hanging any longer. Besides I'm still not one bit attracted to him. Now, the huge dilemma I have is how to break the news to him. He's a wonderful person and I know he will be heartbroken esp since we've been sorta dating for the last almost 3months and never fought or had any basis for a breakup. I feel like I need to live my life abit before getting married. How do I tell him no without crushing him?
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