Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 16th December 2014, 11:47 PM   #1
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Hi

So I can't believe how many people have heard that line. So much stuff out there I'm beginning to think there is a club or something.

So here is my story. Bit of a background first. I've been with my wife for over 20 years, and for 14 of those years we've been married. And 13 of those 14 years we were happy. And I do mean happy. We have a beautiful 9 year old son who is the apple of our eyes, nice house, good jobs and don't really ask for much. We are both in our early 40's but we're a young 40, we still like to enjoy ourselves. Now, up front here as it's important. I like a beer. Not sprits but beer. Im in no way abusive when I have a beer. I just like it, or so I thought.

One thing my wife and I always had was trust, always. Over the last couple of years she has asked me to cut back on the beer using various tactics. None worked. Don't get me wrong, she likes a drink as well. It's just that I like it a little too much.

Anyway. Just over a year ago her dad died in the most unfortunate surcumstances. I was ther for her and her family. If I'm totally honest it hit me as hard as them but my wife was a real daddies girl.

She also got a really good job. This is important as she thinks I resent that whereas I'm really proud of her. At the start of this year we were still happy, albeit a little stale. We neglected our relationship a bit, both of us did that. Before this we were soul mates. We could tell each other anything. Then, in the summer she started to change. She became cold with me, intimacy stopped almost overnight and we started to argue a lot. That never happened. Our summer holiday was quite stressful. Then, in November after a party she hit me with the bombshell.

I read on another thread and in other places when that line is spoken there is usually someone else involved. Well, there was and it took me all of two seconds to work out who. I seen the signs but convinced myself it was nothing. The new underwire, changing her appearance, the works. And he is so inappropriate for her it's unreal, but that's for later.

During the latter half of the summer before I knew but was really stressed I started drinking even more. I knew something was wrong but didn't want to face the truth.

Once she told me, I did it all wrong. The screaming, shouting, tears. You name it. The only thing I would not do is beg.

I know it was an emotional affair, which in many ways is worse. She's fixated on him and can only see the bad in me. I've since then calmed down, sought help to cut out the drink, and have cut down a lot myself. I'm in this for the long game. I know she wants me to leave but I'm in no hurry so the game is to smarten up my act, not to fight or even bring this subject up. If she wants to talk then so be it. But, like the sticky at the top I don't buy her story. Not one bit. There is something else going on that's she's not saying. She really was that happy for that long.

So what do people think? We're ok at the moment although she can spurn me when I try to engage. It's hard being tough, she's really tough and she won't open up. At least not to me. And probably because I know her better than anyone on the planet. Or at least I thought I did.

So what do people think? Am I waisting my time or do I keep going. I do really love her. Really.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th December 2014, 11:56 PM   #2
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

I agree with you that you must not leave, if she wants to separate then let her leave, and I would also suggest that you both get some good marriage counselling. The grass isnt greener and her fantasies are just that, fantasies of what she thinks life will be with this other man. In reality it wont be like that.
In the end you cant force her to do the right thing and give the OM up and cut off all contact, but with effort on your part(as you are already putting in) and some good counseling, there is a chance that she will begin to work on the marriage and remain with her family.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2014, 12:02 AM   #3
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Thanks chosen. Thing is. I think the contact is finished. But she's still in that place. I've suggested counseling but she's not interested. Won't even consider that.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2014, 07:46 AM   #4
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Would she agree to look for another job elsewhere?You can always go to marriage counseling yourself and get some help as to what to do and how to handle it. Tell her you are going, and that you would love her to come but if not you will go anyway.
Dont even think of leaving, why should you?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2014, 09:42 AM   #5
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Morning Chosen

I don't think she should change jobs. She loves her job and I don't think that's core to the issue. I'll look into the counceling for myself. Thanks. The bit that's bothering me is that I know the bits about me she doesn't like but she won't explore herself. She's projecting and its plane for me to see. She's admited she's changed but in what way we don't know yet. She won't address her limerance, probably doesn't even recognise that this is what she's going through. It's all about me at the moment and I need to own it for now.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2014, 06:15 PM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Isn't she even sorry about the affair? I can't see things progressing until she is. I get the feeling she will blame it on your drinking etc. but that does not justify her unfaithfulness. Somehow she is appears to be thinking you've done wrong when she has got herself into a unfaithful position. It is good that you are dealing with the drinking excess but she needs to deal with her unfaithfulness as well. I hope it is really finished. Can't be much of a person flirting with someone elses wife.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2014, 07:52 PM   #7
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Isn't she even sorry about the affair? I can't see things progressing until she is. I get the feeling she will blame it on your drinking etc. but that does not justify her unfaithfulness. Somehow she is appears to be thinking you've done wrong when she has got herself into a unfaithful position. It is good that you are dealing with the drinking excess but she needs to deal with her unfaithfulness as well. I hope it is really finished. Can't be much of a person flirting with someone elses wife.
Hi Raymond. I don't believe she is, no. When it first came out I got the "I'm sorry, but I did not have sex with this guy" routine. She doesn't accept she's done anything too bad as she didn't sleep with him. That allows her to project all her guilt onto me. And no, he isn't much of a man. 8 years younger, single, good looking and a bit too cool for school. Probably has a string of girls hanging off him.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2014, 07:29 PM   #8
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Morning Chosen

I don't think she should change jobs. She loves her job and I don't think that's core to the issue. I'll look into the counceling for myself. Thanks. The bit that's bothering me is that I know the bits about me she doesn't like but she won't explore herself. She's projecting and its plane for me to see. She's admited she's changed but in what way we don't know yet. She won't address her limerance, probably doesn't even recognise that this is what she's going through. It's all about me at the moment and I need to own it for now.
I am sure she could get a similar job elsewhere and then she would be away from the temptation. Are you sure they have stopped the affair? If my husband cheated, my first condition on staying together would be for him to get away from the OW completely.
People who cheat will nearly always blame the other spouse, but it was SHE who choose to cheat, and she must take full responsibility for her actions before anything can be done. It must be very painful for you to not only have a wife who has cheated, but to be blamed for it as well. She doesnt seem sorry or repentant at this time.
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2014, 07:54 PM   #9
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I am sure she could get a similar job elsewhere and then she would be away from the temptation. Are you sure they have stopped the affair? If my husband cheated, my first condition on staying together would be for him to get away from the OW completely.
People who cheat will nearly always blame the other spouse, but it was SHE who choose to cheat, and she must take full responsibility for her actions before anything can be done. It must be very painful for you to not only have a wife who has cheated, but to be blamed for it as well. She doesnt seem sorry or repentant at this time.
Hi chosen. She could, but she won't. Not because of him but because she loves it and it offers a great opportunity. As for staying on condition, that's the problem. She's looking for reasons to leave, not stay.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2014, 09:58 PM   #10
ronnoco
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

I've had the "speech" delivered to me - it's sucks, I know exactly how you feel. For me, it was just so final, I knew there was nothing I could do to change her mind and I moved out that day.

I think you're doing the best you can with what you've got. She's not sorry and probably thinks that should could leave you and have a better life with him. It probably wouldn't work out but infatuation doesn't allow her to see that.

If I were you, I would really focus on yourself. Take up a new hobby, perhaps join a gym, start swimming, get a new haircut - invest in yourself whilst at the same time trying to be the best dad possible. Is there something you could do with your son or even better, something you could all do together as a family?

You might find that you discover and new side to yourself and in return, that new side is noticed and appreciated by your wife. It's certainly worth a shot.

Unfortunately, I've discovered that relationships can sometimes become a game and it's all about how you play it. Sad really.

Well done for retaining your dignity and not begging, pleading, etc. That was a good thing. You've done nothing wrong, there is never an excuse to step outside of the relationship. Don't try to make sense of nonsense.

Lots of luck.

Last edited by ronnoco; 17th December 2014 at 10:06 PM.
ronnoco is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th December 2014, 11:02 AM   #11
chosen
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

IT sounds to me that she may be hoping to re start the relationship once you have gone. Maybe he has said to her that he wont see her until you are separated? Anyway, as I said dont even think of moving out, far too many men in your position do so(my husband did the same with his ex)and its just not fair or right. She is the one in thew wrong, and if she wants to leave she is free to do so. Have you said that to her, that if she is wanting to separate then she can leave? YOu did the right thing warning the guy, why shouldnt you?
chosen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th December 2014, 11:10 AM   #12
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
IT sounds to me that she may be hoping to re start the relationship once you have gone. Maybe he has said to her that he wont see her until you are separated? Anyway, as I said dont even think of moving out, far too many men in your position do so(my husband did the same with his ex)and its just not fair or right. She is the one in thew wrong, and if she wants to leave she is free to do so. Have you said that to her, that if she is wanting to separate then she can leave? YOu did the right thing warning the guy, why shouldnt you?
Morning Chosen

Perhaps, that's why I'm waiting. But to be honest I don't think he has the emotional maturity to do that. He'll be chasing girls at every opportunity. He's that type of person he is. And I did at the start during the fighting stage tell her to leave but she is determined to take my son with her. Now I know that's blackmail but I don't want him caught in the middle of all of this. It's going to be hard enough for him not having his dad around as well as being wrenched out of the family home. So, I'm staying and will only leave on MY terms, not hers. And it isn't going to be any time soon.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th December 2014, 04:25 PM   #13
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

So
For those kind folks still following this I’d like to shift the conversation away from the infidelity and focus on my part in this downfall. I’d really appreciate any female advice if there is any to offer. Please bear in mind she is very closed off from me at the moment, no touching or anything and conversations are merely amicable and functional. Not chatty and fun, no warmth.


Ok her first point – I drink too much. Can’t argue with that and I’m doing something about that, but for my own sake as I need to do that for me.
I don’t engage. Now this one is a bit harder. That’s a two way street but I admit I let that slip quite a bit. We used to talk all the time and were always on the same page. But as usual things started getting in the way of that. Anyway, now that I’m here how do I get that back without it being too obvious? I mean, if I start trying to have long conversations with here she is only going to feel more smothered than she does right now and that’s worse, yet if I back off I could look distant and not engaging (the very thing she resents in the first place).


I took our relationship for granted. In a way that is true, I could have been more romantic, a bit more pillow talk. Snuggling up to bed at the same time. Trouble with that is she goes to bed much earlier than me and gets up much earlier than me.


And the real killer, and this is for all the men out there. I lost my self esteem, and to women there is nothing less attractive than a man who isn’t strong. Ok, we all have our moments of weakness but I was low, really low and this is the result. I’ve picked myself up now but that will take quite a bit of time to filter through to her.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th December 2014, 01:31 PM   #14
notDoneYet
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,297
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

Hi Raymond. I already know. Problem is she won't face up to it.
notDoneYet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th December 2014, 09:34 PM   #15
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

I've just worked out that she still works at the place where he is although she says she has broken contact with him. As ronnoco points out he will still be affecting her just because he works there.

Well done for working on the drink problem. She would have seen that. I wouldn't worry too much about going through a stage of low esteem. We all live in two worlds. One where we feel no good and one where we are proud. There is a balance to be found and I think one of the ways is in marriage. In proverbs it says that two are better than one for if one falls the other will pick them up. That happens in marriage where both are faithful and a balance happens. Your stage of low esteem is no excuse for an affair as a couple are meant to pull together. I think you have to believe for the best but be ready for the worse in the sense of having a bit of independence. You say she will think you don't care but if she is not open to your love how can you really be close to her. Being a bit independent will not necessarily rule out consideration for her as opportunities will certainly arise if you are still living together. I don't see how you can trust your heart to her at the moment though whilst this fellow is still around at work.

Maybe she will have to learn the hard way and get hurt through him? You may have to let her go for a season while she learns the lesson. From what you have said about him I don't see how there can be a future for her with him once he has used her. It seems very immature to me for a married woman with a child.
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:52 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer