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Old 8th November 2012, 12:49 PM   #1
Salt&Vinegar
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Contact or No Contact...help!

Hello - thanks for reading this and apologise if it goes on a bit.

On the 15th October '12 my world fell apart, shattered into tiny pieces. I heard the classic ' I love you but I'm not in love with you' from my wife of 4 and a half years (been together 10 years overall) and before she'd even finished I stood up and tried to mutter the words ' I love you (name)' and walked out, got in the car and drove, just drove round and round like the thought and emotions were in my head. 10 hours later I ended up at my sisters house who only lives 70 miles away. There I went crazy my mind just turning over at 100mph what was happening, how did it all go wrong, was she seeing someone else? 2 sleepless nites later I returned to face the music. Tears started to flow, 'I can change I said' 'I will do anything' I pleaded and begged, lets goto see a therapist or councilor I suggested but she was hard, 'It won't make any diffence' she said 'I cant change the way I feel' I waited for the kids to come home so we could both be there to explain and after the tears flowed and hugs were released I said goodbye and left the family home (i regret this massively). That week I phoned and texted her to beg and plead for a 2nd chance but she said I'd had a 2nd/3rd/4th chance (she never once sat me down and explained how she felt and one day she'd be gone if I didnt change my ways).

The grieving is subsiding and I'm reading and reading like no one else to try and make sense of what has happened, I go over different forums post of other people in similar situations. I bought a book written by Gary Smalley - Winning your wife back before its to late (a bit to spiritual for me) and it mentions that my wifes spirit is closed of towards me and no matter how hard I try to crack it she will resist and what I should do is be soft and tender, honor her, be patient, supportive, avoid blame, dont criticise, dont set a time scale etc etc which is what I have been working to but then I read some posts that I shouldn't contact her at all, avoid any contact with her for 3/4 weeks but this contradicts everything Ive been doing plus I have to have contact with her so I can pick kids up.

I currently live with my parents and they have been rocks. She is still at the family home with the kids and I pay for everything mortgage, gas, elec, council tax, insurance, phone, cable, broadband plus I maintain her financially so the kids don't start eating the text books! She even has the family car so she can run the kids here there and everywhere but she maintains that she doesn't want the house and once she finds somewhere the housing association will 'support her rent'. All she said is realistically that isn't gonna happen till the new year but I know she has got the ball rolling but I have said stay and haven't given her any time scale what-so-ever hoping that she will find it hard to leave the family home. I dont want the house back, whats the point of a family home with no family?

My question is tho do I carryon doing what Im doing seeing the kids when I like on her terms and if its convenient, we are pleasant to one another and shes there while i spend time with the kids. She makes conversation about small things which is nice and sometimes just for a minute it feels like normal. OR do I write her an email/letter detailing when I can see the kids and times I can pick them up and have no contact with her other than when I pick them up. I'm finding it hard to make a choice as I know 1 wrong step will kill the marriage forever.

Inbetween the above I have been getting on with my life, Ive been doing things I enjoy to keep my mind occupied and Ive joined a gym out of the area to meet new people and be around new faces.

Thanks for reading, any help or advice or suggestions on books to read will all be appreciated. Addionally if something doesnt make sense I will try to clarify.

Thanks

H
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Old 8th November 2012, 01:45 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

Hi H
What an awful situation you are in.
Sadly, people who say that old 'I love you but I am not in love with you' usually have someone else. Have you asked her straight out if that is the case? Not that she would tell the truth but it may be worth asking. It does seem that she has been planning this for sometime. She seems so keen to leave the house which is very strange,(most people would do anything to avoid leaving their own home), and it leads me to wonder if she has somewhere else already(maybe with another man?).

I think that you made a big mistake by leaving. If she wants the marriage to end they she needs to leave. You can stay with the children. In your place I would move back in asap. Also you will need to sort out the finances. If she is determined to end the marriage, she will need to pay her own bills apart from you paying child support.

I am not sure how she thinks she will get help with housing when she has a house already. IF you are in the UK she will only get a house if she is homeless. You will also need to afford a home of your own so that you can have the children to stay with you, so another reason why she will need to pay her own bills.
If things dont resolve, you will need a more definate arrangement to see the children.
It must be very painful for you to have to go to your home and see your children and have to leave again. It may be best for you to collect them and take them to your parents house.
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Old 8th November 2012, 02:01 PM   #3
Salt&Vinegar
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

Hello Chosen. Thanks for you reply.

I trust her completely and at no time upto the break up did I get an indication she was having an affair. I have asked her and she has said when would I have the time but she does only work PT. her family have also asked her and she swears there is no one else. TBH I'm not 100% sure but if there is no evidence I can't start flying in with accusations.

It's very hard going 'home' seeing her and the kids and it stirs up my emotions and feelings but when I don't see her for a couple of days i feel like I can look forward to whatever fate decides.

So I should write the letter and detail when I can have the kids?

Thanks
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Old 8th November 2012, 02:56 PM   #4
Forever
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

I am so sorry this is happening to you. May I ask what you think you were doing (or not doing) in the marriage that needed to change? Did she give you specific reasons why she no longer loves you?

People just dont stop loving their spouse for no reason or over petty "smalls"...there is something going on that has come between the two of you...and it cant be that you snore too loud or that you failed to pick up your dirty laundry off of the bathroom floor one too many times.

Can you give us an idea of what you KNOW you were doing that could have violated her soul? It would help us to determine what advice we should be offering to you....you were very vague about the issues which would make all the difference in knowing how to approach this.

How old are your children? If you have an infant, could she be suffering from depression? That would take all the strength she could muster just to get through each day and would deplete all her emotional reserves. Does she have a history of mental or emotional instability? We need to eliminate obvious causes so we can help you.

Do you drink too much or stay out with the "boys" whilst leaving her to care for the home and children alone? Are you verbally abusive to her or your children...do you occupy your spare time in such a way as to shut her out and cause her to feel lonely for adult intimacy and companionship? Got Porn going on? Does she spend a large amount of time trolling Facebook or on the internet? (These are just examples of ways that slowly kills the love in a marriage).

It is hard to determine what you should do at this point without knowing how your lives were lived on a daily basis. You are right...give her too much attention and you risk pushing her even farther away, but then, give her the idea that you can easily accept whatever she decides will look like you were not really "invested" in the marriage either (damned if you do, damned if you dont). Reading lots of books will only confuse you because the Authors can only offer you generalities...not specific advice for your particular intimate issues.

Kindest Regards

Last edited by Forever; 8th November 2012 at 03:18 PM.
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Old 8th November 2012, 03:55 PM   #5
Salt&Vinegar
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

I can honestly swear on my kids lives I never abused her physically, emotionally or financially. But it was all the little things that I think built up. I was horrible to her. She would say 'one day Me and the kids won't be here when u get home' and my arrogant horrible response would be 'well go pack ur bags now then if your not happy'.

She also didnt like how I left her at parties/evenings out. In the early stages we would go out as a couple and go home as a couple but then occasionally I'd get hammered and say come on let's go and she'd say no I'm staying so I left without her. Then before I knew it I was leaving without even asking her, leaving her to defend for herself. All these little things I think just grew to the point of her saying u know what I'm not doing this anymore.

As well as my FT job I am a PT firefighter. So I'd come home at 6 be free for an hour then go 'on call' from 7pm till 6am which she prob felt restricted I know it did and have since changed my hours.

Upto the point of me leaving she was always on her iPhone scanning FB Twitter etc etc. the kids are 3, 8 & 12.

She is a lovely person and hates conflict. I trust her completely and she hasn't given me any reason to believe there is anyone else involved. I have asked her out right and her family have asked her and she swears there is no one she has just hardened up to my love. But understand this if I found out there was someone else I'd move back in the house like a flash.

Thanks. It helps to talk/write as they say!
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Old 8th November 2012, 07:58 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

You haven't been the most considerate of husbands it seems and may have even starved her of love. You say you were given no reason but by your post you have outlined what could be the reasons. I think if this time of reflection can bear fruit and bring you to the place of apologising for not considering her as a person then there is a chance.

Why don't you write a letter pointing out your failings. Please don't do it in a begging way as that will achieve nothing. A sincere reappraisal in humility (not grovelling) might cause her to think. It may be that you killed any love she had for you by your hasty words and behaviour.

I agree with Chosen in that it is not a good idea for you to give up the house too easily. You may well regret that later on
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Old 8th November 2012, 08:16 PM   #7
Forever
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

Thank you for the additional information. I feel very badly for all of you...her, you and the three small children.

I think that she is either emotionally involved with someone else via internet activity, OR she is fed up with what felt to her as disrespect from too many cold uncaring comments when she would try to confront your bad behavior. If alcohol was a problem to the point that you get hammered and have to leave a party or event earlier than what she wanted...she could have chosen to go home too rather than feeling sorry for herself because of being left behind. But if you drank so much that you needed to leave, she probably felt embarrassed and disgusted with you and did not want to go home and suffer to be in your company...so she chose the lesser of two evils.

Perhaps she sees a future of decades with more of the same thing and is casting her vote to leave the marriage in favor of having a quality of life that you did not offer her emotionally? When you say that you did not abuse her, you were judging that from your own perspective rather than from what these things did to her internally, yes? She warned you many times, and the results of those warnings were nasty uncaring comments that challenged her...making her feeling emotionally abandoned. Like saying basically "tough, dont let the door hit you where the Good Lord split you" kind of thing, rather than acknowledge her pain and embarrassment.

You being gone represents a relief to her that she will quickly get used to...but it solves nothing as far as the issues go. If you give up the boozing and also tell her that you now realize that those cutting comments were so painful for her to hear, and that YOU will be getting counseling immediately, then it puts the next move in her court. I would continue to offer her kindness and support until it is clear that it is OVER. You will know. But do not keep finding ways to contact her unnecessarily or she will feel smothered and will resist you. Instead, be kind in your words and give up the booze for real...and set up a visitation schedule apart from being at the house if she gets increasingly uncomfortable around you.

Giving her "space" when she is trolling the internet for comfort is likely a big part of the problem also. She may have already found her "comfort"...albeit not necessarily a physical affair as much as an emotional one...which has the same exact impact...and she can justify that by using your behavior. You will not be able to win her back if that is the case...repentance or not...moving home will not fix that.

You going back home now will open the possibility of her taking the children and leaving which will disrupt the children, so it is not recommended...and she will see it as another act of disrespect for her feelings and an encroachment. I would tell her that you are "intending" to move back in six months after you have completely stopped drinking and also have been in counseling for the way you have spoken to her...there are underlying issues in yourself that need to be addressed also. During that time, she will either get a restraining order to prevent that, file for legal separation or divorce, or will see that you are serious and perhaps it will soften her heart...but it is unlikely if she is already "involved" on some level with another man.

Kindest Regards
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Old 8th November 2012, 08:42 PM   #8
Salt&Vinegar
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

Hello. Thanks for your comments I appreciate it really.

You have me as a boozing drunk and that is far from the truth since 2010 I've been in the Fire Service and since then I've been made a driver as well so drinking is only socially at the pub on my days off. Also, when we went out it wood be to a function like a wedding reception etc not on a weekly piss up down the boozer where I'd leave her there!

Anyway she called tonite to say that she is interested in a house round the corner which has come up for rent which has shocked me but some good might come out of it?

Thanks again.
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Old 8th November 2012, 10:47 PM   #9
Forever
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

So sorry if I have depicted you as a drunk...I was given that impression by some of the things you said and did. If it was only once or twice a week, do you think she should have disregarded any of it...or any of those comments you made?

What did you think of the idea of getting counseling?

The idea of her getting a place around the corner does not sound too encouraging to me. The fact that you are already moved out should have sufficed. Something is not right here.
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Old 9th November 2012, 10:07 AM   #10
chosen
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever View Post
So sorry if I have depicted you as a drunk...I was given that impression by some of the things you said and did. If it was only once or twice a week, do you think she should have disregarded any of it...or any of those comments you made?

What did you think of the idea of getting counseling?

The idea of her getting a place around the corner does not sound too encouraging to me. The fact that you are already moved out should have sufficed. Something is not right here.
I totally agree. Why is she wanting her and the children to leave their own home causing yet moe upheaval? She has a home so why is she wanting another one? How will she pay for it? Is she expecting you to have the presnt house and she the other one? I think there is far more going on here than you have been told. It seems she has been planning this for ages, and I still wonder if there is an emotional relationship going on. Everything points to it.
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Old 16th November 2012, 03:48 PM   #11
crush
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Re: Contact or No Contact...help!

Hi and sorry you find yourself on here. Heartbreaking I know. Your situation sounds so familiar to others on here. Sorry to ask but are you sure there is no one else involved as she seems so definiate and adamant about what she wants. There is no "lets see how it goes" or to try to work out the problems you have within your marriage. Usually people only go or want out when there is something better to go to, or so they seem. Unless you were abusive/violent in any way it seems odd to come so out of the blue.

I agree you should not have left the marital home, why should you it was her decision and if it wasn't for your parents you would be homeless, something I don't think she was particularly bothered about.

You have mentioned saying horrible things to her and feeling that you have disrespected her at times but has she ever been that way with you also or was that just on your part and if so you must ask yourself why you felt the need to emotionally hurt her in that way. It is very difficult but time will tell one way or the other as to why this has happened and sometimes knowing is a much better way of dealing with things.
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