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Old 19th March 2013, 04:35 PM   #1
sirleo
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Exclamation I feel betrayed!

Almost 1 and half year ago I married an indian girl ( arranged wedding) after three months off marriage with have had sex only once in such a time, my wife complaint of swollen fimgers called chilblains. Before marriage she had not informed me but to my surprise when I read about its consequences of such a health issue I was shocked to know how its stays forever , with no cure to this problem. And then she said she has had it since child hood and since this problem surfaces in winters only, we had arguments over what I would do with her problem if its life long and I reside in canada - whcih they knew but hided the disease.

All my. Cncern is did she do the right thing by not telling about a life long. Health Issue before marriage.?

Now after seeing her and her dad health extremeties in winter, when she is not able to work due to swollen hands and feet, she is unwilling to dissovle this marriage as I don't feel trust towards the relation anymore. Also is it right that she knew I am canadian and life in canada is not so simple where weather is much colder than india.
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Old 19th March 2013, 05:00 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Chilblains are usually avery mild affliction that many get to some extent. No it doesnt stay forever, I used to get a few chilblains on my toes many years ago, and never get it now. If she is form India I am not sure why she has had it since childhood when it is hot there. .I am very surprised that it stops her working. Has she been to the doctors? It doesnt sound like chilblians at all to me.

As for the sex, have you talked about why that is? I dont apprve of arranged marriages so its hard to comment. It must be hard having sex with a stranger who you dont even know or love. Maybe that is why.

I cant see why you think you can divorce her, She hasnt dont anything wrong.
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Old 19th March 2013, 05:12 PM   #3
1aokgal
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Hi Sirleo...

Welcome to the forum. There are several issues you mentioned in your arranged marriage to an Indian girl. As this was set up by others, possibly familes, there is sure to be a normal time of adjustment. Two people need to get to know each other. If this girl is a sensitive, probably young and inexperienced girl, in marriage to a virtual stranger there may be fear and pain. This girl married a man she did not choose. You mentioned there was sex only once since you married. If this sex act was to consummate the marriage, it makes a huge difference what happened in that act. How patient and gentle that sex act was may be the reaon there has been no sex since. Maybe this girl had little information or preparation for marriage.

It is up to the man to realize that warm feelings grow where there is kindness and time spent to know her needs and desires.

I am not in a country where we practice or approve of arranged marriages. I do know two couples from other cultures, who have long, happy unions from that beginning. A bride is not a dog that one brings home from the store on approval. She is not there, in this marriage, to work for you or enhance your income by her efforts. A marriage is between two people who care about each other and eventually, to have a family. Maybe you entered this arranged marriage for other reasons.

This problem with Chilblains is usually not one that alters life and is a mild malady. I did some reading on the condition. There is the need to dress warm, and take reasonable precautions against severe cold. This is no medical condition that nullifies an existing marriage under any conditions! There was no "fraud," that you were sold a bill of goods, in this arranged marriage. There is no "try it, before you buy it" situation. A predisposition to Chilblains will not prevent her from living a full life or cause her disability. IF you don't like what you got...improve the marriage. Your new wife may not like what she got either.

Maybe your new wife thought she would marry a man who would show her love and understanding? Maybe she believed her husband would guide her to understanding the intimate part of a marriage? Maybe that beginning of intimacy was not kind or done in a sensitive way, and now there is a problem. If it was forced, than it is a rape, and not a loving act any woman would forgive or desire to repeat. Only you know if that bedroom experience set a tone that now is a problem for the two of you.

A woman who has a good lover as a husband, generally will come to enjoy and participate in the intimate parts of life together. Get to know this lady and make your life together one that is happy and complete. Life in Canada will be no hardship with reasonable precautions to dress warm and avoid extreme exposure to winter. What did you expect of thie arranged marriage? Why did you select a bride from India?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 19th March 2013 at 05:26 PM.
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Old 19th March 2013, 05:14 PM   #4
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Thanks Chosen, I am quoting it as chilblains as that's what she told me it is, what happens is that cold weather temprature fluctuations such as moving in and out of warm car to garden, sittin in a cold room for long then in a heated room triggers it and, cooking with bare hands and wasching with warm water triggers it, and makes the fingers and toes swell so much that they burst open while doing regular chores and disharge watery liquid, it remains so from dec till march. And only way is to avoid working and resting those months.
I live in vancouver and got arranged with friends and family input, my reason of feeling sad is that when u plan a wedding isn't It right to share such issues before marriage rather hiding and hoping it does not re occur as vancouver offers - moist damp and cooler temp than punjab for a longer time and the health could lead to a serious stage.

We did go see doctors when it first occured in my presence but they gave it a genetic disorder title as what they saw - cardio and dermtologists.

What do u say?
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Old 19th March 2013, 05:22 PM   #5
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Thanks 1aokgal, I hope this does not sound one sided, but she is 34 and so am I, it so happened when I was introduced to her as by friends it was all decent, I made efforts to provide her comfort and understanding about families, but when health issue concerns raised - I while trying to share with her that if I had know that colder weathers make her dicomfortable then I myslef would have told my friend that living together may pose health concerns that I am financially not capable of in canada, to which her reply was - its better I would have told u that this problem is not since childhood but I got it from the marital house and blamed my inlaws, plus when I saw her deteorating health and her fathers health - it just emotionally cippled me to learn - why to make a person suffer for daily tasks but then is it the way marriages get going in3 mnths.
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Old 19th March 2013, 05:28 PM   #6
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Also Chosen and 1aokgal. - as per canadian law anyone u sponsor into canada has to be taken care of for ten years by the sponsor - with such rules - I am concerned that sponsoring could lead to scenarios where I feel helpless, so currently I am in india living and trying to sort out things. She says she now understand how weather in canada could adversely effect her but if she leaves me society will be a challenge to handle.

So do u both feel - its ok to hide some important things in a relation even if they may effect partners life negatively/ emotionally.
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Old 19th March 2013, 05:51 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sirleo View Post
Thanks Chosen, I am quoting it as chilblains as that's what she told me it is, what happens is that cold weather temprature fluctuations such as moving in and out of warm car to garden, sittin in a cold room for long then in a heated room triggers it and, cooking with bare hands and wasching with warm water triggers it, and makes the fingers and toes swell so much that they burst open while doing regular chores and disharge watery liquid, it remains so from dec till march. And only way is to avoid working and resting those months.
I live in vancouver and got arranged with friends and family input, my reason of feeling sad is that when u plan a wedding isn't It right to share such issues before marriage rather hiding and hoping it does not re occur as vancouver offers - moist damp and cooler temp than punjab for a longer time and the health could lead to a serious stage.

We did go see doctors when it first occured in my presence but they gave it a genetic disorder title as what they saw - cardio and dermtologists.

What do u say?
Its not chilblains that for sure. It sounds far worse than that and she needs treatment. Yes I do think you should have been told, especially as she is so seriously affected that she cant work, and also because if it is genetic it may pass to your children. This is one reason why I dont agree with arranged marriages, because you cant get to know the other perosn first and find all these thinsg out.
I am very surprised that she agreed to live in Canada knowing how severe her condition is, and the fact that she even had it in India.

Last edited by chosen; 19th March 2013 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 19th March 2013, 06:20 PM   #8
1aokgal
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Dear Sirleo,

I can understand why you feel you should have been told of this health condition. The fault seems to be in the point of an arranged marriage. Normally, a couple know each other over a period of time enough to confide all areas of life. You married a stranger...as did she.

Since the marriage wasn't based on attraction and love and a desire to have a family, the premise of the marriage was faulty. Maybe you need a worker to help you and she needed a home, so that is why you entered this far from traditional marriage. In my country, this whole marriage would not pass the immigration process as regulations for country entry would likely be denied.

Generally, health conditions would be shared by those who enter a traditional marriage as there is time involved to learn these factors. The fact this health problem wasn't disclosed might have to do with fact it was arranged by a 3rd party. Was there gain involved for the party who made this social introduction? You may be concerned/unhappy there is a health problem. Whether this was disclosed or not, there is no legal remedy to nullify an existing contract of marriage. There is no fraud here in failure to divulge this information that is legally actionable to alter this existing marriage. Maybe this isn't the big problem at all, so long as she is properly medically evaluated and takes reasonable precaution.

We are human beings and don't come with "money back guarantees" upon marriage. The words "in sickness and in health" is part of the vow one takes in the marriage. This is not a cow purchased who has sour milk. Do you have any feelings at all for your wife?
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Old 19th March 2013, 08:45 PM   #9
sonia
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Hi

I dont think I am any expert on relationships but I can strongly relate to this, so I felt that I should say something in it. I had the same issue starting from a very young age and yes, I am from India as well. Guess the reason I got it was genetic because my father had it as well. Also in India, houses are built to adapt to hot weather so during winters, the cold is unberable because of massive rooms and going out from a warm room to the lounge etc.

Also I had an extreme year when I got blisters all over my hands with water coming out. All of my fingers were covered in bandages. It only happened once, thank goodness When I moved to Scotland (I am sure that you are aware of the cold weather in Scotland!), I was very scared that it will happen again and probably in the worse form. It certainly did happen a few times but It has gone completely for several years now. Also I know a few people who had the same issue and it stopped after a couple of years.

I am sure you have warm houses in Canada, even if she gets cold feet and hands, she should wrap them up in home. I have worn three (even four) pair of socks to keep my feet warm and it works. I even wear two pair of gloves to keep my hands warm when I am going out. As for inside the house, she can still wear a pair of socks. The only solution is keeping warm and I am sure it will work because it did for me, even in my last few years in India. You can also get the gloves with the ability to warm up the hands quickly and thermal socks as well.

As for the issue of telling you, I had a sort of arranged marriage but we got to know each other before we moved in together. I am sure I mentioned it to my husband at some point before it but it was only because I was comfortable talking to him about anything at that point. If you didnt get a chance to know each other beforehand, I would certainly see myself not telling it to someone I barely know. Not because I want to hide (because it will ultimately surface anyways, no matter what!) but because it is not a major ailment to jeopardise a married life.

You never mentioned that you love her. Does this have anything to do with it? I hope you are not making an excuse to get out of your marriage because this problem certainly is a minor one compared to the real issues that many people face in marriage!

S
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Old 19th March 2013, 09:51 PM   #10
1aokgal
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Dear Sonia...

Thanks for sharing your experiences which are so relative to the discussion here. Most of us have barely heard of this malady or how it effects those who have it. I did a bit of research but your having dealt with the issues may reassure here. Having an arranged marriage still has the personal issues that two people have to spend the time to learn about each other and adapt to another.

I think the issue is more about the lack of sex in the marriage, than her malady, which seems to be the dissatisfaction and his feeling he made a bad deal. If this isn't about caring for another person and finding them valuable and having a companion, then the marriage is a cold bargain that anything can blow apart. It is our love for another person that means we remain loyal and steadfast through problems. We feel we can value and cherish the mate and keep them safe from the world.

A husband/wife, by definition in the marriage, should be the shelter from the storm, our best friend. There seems no friendship in this case. It appears that Sirleo wants an "out" here.
If the sexual aspects were more pleasing maybe there would be a deeper bond in this marriage. You asked the question, as I did, if he had any feelings toward this woman? It would be impossible for most women to be intimate if there is not a feeling one is desired and cared about. Otherwise an arranged marriage falls into the category of legal prostitution..a roof overhead for services provided.

Women are emotional beings and feelings dominate.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 19th March 2013 at 11:31 PM.
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Old 19th March 2013, 10:27 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Its very hard to have a friendship when the two people barely knew each other before marriage.
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Old 20th March 2013, 03:55 PM   #12
sirleo
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Thanks to all of you! And Sonia, I probably should mention here something that I have not so far, I was once married before too but that wedding was annulled in 2006 due to the simple fact that In that arrange wedding - the exwife's family had got us married with intention of getting residency in canada to which I said no after wedding when they asked cause I was marrying the girl not the deal to sponsor others along.

Here in 2011 when proposal came from a very close friend , I trusted his judgement as I was too much occupied in work and had not dated in 4 years at all. But the friend was also suprised who wondered y he was too no informed.
I agree with u all - love is a big factor but I hope u all agree it takes time to fall in love and understand your partner - but what is your word on when the partner shows a split personality.

I am hurt due to the fact that - I trusted her and shared with her everything from my past hoping it does not shock her if it surfaces. But now because of her health I have to live in india too. And work for 200 dollars a month.
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Old 20th March 2013, 09:11 PM   #13
sonia
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Given that I am coming from the same culture as you, I find it hard to understand your dissatisfaction! Also I dont consider this a betrayal if she didnt disclose her ailment to you because it is not stopping you from having a relationship with her! Why are you living in India now? Do you not have any place to stay in Canada? I would certainly feel abandoned if my husband leaves me because my hands or feet are swollen due to cold. People dont leave their spouses after they have cheated on them and try to work on their relationships and you are complaining about a small medical condition on which she doesnt have any control at all!

It certainly takes time to love someone but I am sure you knew this when you entered this marriage? How much did you try to make it work?

It looks like you want a way out of this and thats why you are making a big deal out of this! I think it will be best if you do, because I think the girl you married deserves to be with someone who takes care of her when she is not well and not someone who runs off to another country when she is not feeling at her best!

S
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Old 20th March 2013, 09:35 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: I feel betrayed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sonia View Post
Given that I am coming from the same culture as you, I find it hard to understand your dissatisfaction! Also I dont consider this a betrayal if she didnt disclose her ailment to you because it is not stopping you from having a relationship with her! Why are you living in India now? Do you not have any place to stay in Canada? I would certainly feel abandoned if my husband leaves me because my hands or feet are swollen due to cold. People dont leave their spouses after they have cheated on them and try to work on their relationships and you are complaining about a small medical condition on which she doesnt have any control at all!

It certainly takes time to love someone but I am sure you knew this when you entered this marriage? How much did you try to make it work?

It looks like you want a way out of this and thats why you are making a big deal out of this! I think it will be best if you do, because I think the girl you married deserves to be with someone who takes care of her when she is not well and not someone who runs off to another country when she is not feeling at her best!

S
He is having to live in India because his wifes condition makes it impossible to live in his home in Canada .He has not left her.
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Old 20th March 2013, 11:24 PM   #15
1aokgal
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Re: I feel betrayed!

I guess that comes with the "in sickness and health part" of a contractual agreement. So far, there has been no certainty she had problems to live in Canada. She can adjust by how warm she dresses and takes care for that condition. That is a malady that will not disable a person who takes caution.

I think this is NOT the problem. I think the problem is Sirleo has dissatisfaction with the deal he made and wants out! There is no legal remedy on that. He had another marriage annulled. Since this marriage was consummated, there is not going to be any annulment, unless there is a fine hair in the law in his country. Maybe he says 3 times, " I am divorced" and he can go find another one?
Something is not right here.

Was there a "bride price" paid for this marriage by her family or some other strange arrangement? Maybe it is about money, not her malady. What says Sirleo on this?
(Maybe I am too cynical!)
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