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Old 3rd September 2013, 07:02 PM   #1
Pamela
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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I can't let go!

This summer, 2013, was a very tough summer for me. I have been struggling with my marriage for a very long time, but more recently in the past couple of years, not sure why my husband didn’t seem to care about me or be attracted to me any more. He had become quite distant, to the point where I began to feel uncomfortable trying to reach out to him to establish closeness, even in times when I needed him so much.

In July I happened upon a person wishing him happy birthday, which caught my attention for some strange reason. I began to research her and found a blog by her where she mentioned my husband several times, had pictures of him, and one with the two of them after fishing. I went to his fishing sight, and found they connected on there in September, 2010, when he reached out to her about how great he thought her fishing blog was. There were several flirty type remarks there, and by January, 2011 they were talking by phone, because he told her in one of the threads to call him, he was in. This was after 10pm when I had most likely retired, since I had to be up early for work.

My husband, is retired, and is an avid sports fisherman. This woman is also big into fishing, and I noticed on most of her Internet sights she has mostly male fishing friends. Maybe she uses these sights to look for men, I don’t know, but my husband fell for the bait. As I looked at the one picture of them together holding a striped bass, I couldn’t help but think of how they were like two peas in a pod. You see, I never had the opportunity to get heavy into fishing like that with him since during the twenty-nine years that we have been married, I worked a couple of jobs, took care of and ran three kids around, went back to work on my masters degree and took care of home while he worked, fished and hunted. Never even a vacation with my husband because he always planned his vacations with the guys to go on fishing and hunting expeditions. I always respected his sports, and gave him full freedom to enjoy them.

Since the kids are grown, I am still working full time, but he retired in December, 2010. This is around the same time he was developing a relationship with this woman. I was wondering why, with him having so much free time, not working, why we were not spending more time together when I was off too. He always had something to take him out of the house when I would be there. Since his retirement he was staying up half the night closed up downstairs in his den. I would go to bed alone, wondering what he was doing every night down there. I felt like he was avoiding me, and of course our physical closeness just wasn’t there because he wasn’t there. When I would ask him what he was doing, he always claimed he was watching his fishing shows. I think it was quite something different.

I suspected there was someone else, but didn’t want to believe it. Most of the time when he would have a conversation with me it was because he wanted money on the bills, or to light into me verbally criticizing me about something. He was very moody, at times being nice, but most of the time just being plain mean.

I didn’t say anything to him about what I was discovering about his relationship with this woman, until one afternoon, I went into his den and started flipping though his wall calendars reading some of his notes on them. There was nothing specific until I got to the 2011 calendar (it is now 2013). On the November page he had written her initials, her birthday. He had nothing on my birthdate, which was the following month. I thought back. Was this one of the many years he did not even remember my birthdate. I was furious. I crossed out her initials and wrote my name on my birthdate. I was so hurt by everything I couldn’t stay in the house. I drove 20 minutes to the beach to try to clear my thoughts.

It was early evening, the sun had set, and it was stating to get chilly. I pulled on my hoody and sat in the sand. I shook from the chill, anxiety, and hurt. I sent him a text, but he didn’t respond. I tried to call him, but he was on the line with someone else. When I finally reached him he claimed I was acting weird like I was losing my mind. He didn’t want to talk so we hung up.

When I got home I was still a nervous wreck. He said he had a bone to pick with me about posting comments on her blog that she found threatening. Well I never posted any threats, but told her I thought it was very nice of her to give my husband so many props on her blog. How was that threatening? The worst part of this was that he was defending himself, protecting her, and telling me I was crazy to think something was going on. Well, obviously something is going on, and he needed to remember who he is married to, and she needed to know I’m alive and kicking!

Of course , he denies everything. He claims they are just friends, she was having problems with her boyfriend beating her up, and he was trying to get her to leave him. By the way, there are no pictures, or references to her “boyfriend” like there were for my husband… on her blog.

After a couple of days of the worst fights we have ever had in our 29 years together, he claimed he never wanted to get married, but thought he would try it out with me. He claimed he loved me, but couldn’t love me as a wife the way I wanted him to. He mentioned people who stay married for years, but live in the same house separately. He told me, yes we are married, but I had to stop accusing him, and we could live peacefully and be okay. He claimed he would have liked to live his life much differently, more freedom fishing, hunting, travelling, and maybe living somewhere in Florida by this point in his life. (This is where this woman came here from). He said God had a different plan for him and that was with me. So he was making the most of it, and that I should do the same. He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead, gave me a hug, and asked me to repeat what he had said so I had it clear. I was near speechless! All I could get out was that he wanted an arrangement. He wanted me to agree to live in an arrangement! He asked if I was okay, and told me not to beat myself up about this anymore.

I went to my room and sent this woman a message, I apologized for any of the previous messages I had sent her. I told her I had reason to be suspicious, but had talked to my husband, and that I was closing the door on this. I was done.

I felt like my marriage ended with that conversation with him. I didn’t talk to him about this anymore.

We have been pretty much on friendly terms, keeping things civil. I offered to help him prep his boat to put it in the water, as this also gave us time together. He has not taken me out on the boat this summer, claiming the wind was always blowing too much. Meanwhile other people were going out on their boats. I figured he has no interests in taking me out. He’s probably got plans to take her out as soon as schedules permit. I say schedules because I am a teacher, and today was my first day back for the start of our new school year. Now I am out of his way, he has his freedom, he doesn’t have to deal with me.

He is still rather distant, and won’t look me in the eyes whenever I have a conversation with him. He wants to know when I get paid because he wants money for the bills. We had sex three times the whole month of August, and I initiated those occasions. It wasn’t that great, because he didn’t put much effort into it. It was almost like he did it just to pacify me. When I mentioned to him that we had sex only three times that month, he said “So what? What does it matter?” I didn’t know what to say, and replied something like, “Well, if you are satisfied with that I guess it doesn’t matter.

This “friend” woman never responded to any of my messages to her. I’m sure they are still very close. Every time he has fishing trips, overnighters, and trips to North Carolina, I’m going to suspect she’s involved, even though she may not be. I don’t trust him, or believe anything he says to me anymore.

I love my husband, and I am hurting in a way I can’t even explain. I pray that my heart be moved, so I can move forward and not hurt anymore. I wonder why he wants to stay married if he can’t love me like he knows I should be loved? I wonder if he will get beyond the wonder of this relationship with this woman, and be able to be close to me again? I also wonder what it would be like to be with someone who really loves me and wants to be with me?

In one way, I know this relationship is over, and I feel like I’m holding on to nothing but disappointment… but can’t let go. In another way I want to walk away into a new and genuine relationship with someone I feel I can trust and be happy with. But, who is he? Where is he? What do I need to do to bring this into my life? I have tried affirmations, visualizations, meditation and prayer.

Some day’s I do good emotionally, others, I am doing everything possible to hold it together. As I write this I am shaking, and my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my chest.
I ask myself how did I end up in a situation like this? I take it moment by moment. I am so lost as to what to do.

Last edited by Pamela; 4th September 2013 at 03:36 PM.
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Old 3rd September 2013, 09:21 PM   #2
ronnoco
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Re: I can't let go!

Hi Pamela,

I'm so sorry to hear of your story. You have been a loving supporting wife, raised 3 children, worked your back side off to provide for your family, given him the freedom he wanted (way too much but sometimes we do these things) and he has taken you for granted in a big way for many many years. Never taking you on holiday and forgetting your Birthday is just terrible in my opinion. He sounds like he has always put himself first.

I'm no expert at all but my advice would be to give him an ultimatum. At the moment he is having his cake and eating it! - whist this is available, he is not going to change. Why would he? - you still want him, you're still having sex with him. I know you said you're not sure he even wants the sex but at the moment, he really does have the best of both worlds.

Is he having a physical affair? - we don't know. But he is certainly having an emotional one and in my experience, they are worse as it's not just physical, it comes from the heart.

I don't know how old your children are but I would seek legal advice on how to best go about getting him out of the family home on a trial separation or worst case scenario you move out - but you MUSN'T loose out financial. Maybe with nobody around all the time, he may realise that the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's like someone once commented on here "a sess pitt covered in 4 inches of moss!"

Having said all this - it does sound very much like your husband may well not change his ways. he may have taken you for granted for too long. It's amazing that someone can do this after 29 years but as I am finding out since being on this site, it's happening all the time. I hope not having you there may make him see the light.

You've been together a lifetime and i'm not saying give up but if i'm being 100% honest with you, I think you deserve far better. Why accept someone who doesn't love you the way you love them or doesn't treat you the way you know you deserve to be treated? - I know it's incredibly tough because this is all you have ever known. This situation isn't what you want but it is what it is and you need to take action or you are just going to be miserable.

Regardless of what happens, you need to start rebuilding your own life starting right now. Take up a new hobby, get a massage, get your hair done, pedicure, go shopping, start thinking about no 1. I think this is really important.

I wish you all the best and will monitor your post.

Last edited by ronnoco; 3rd September 2013 at 09:36 PM.
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Old 3rd September 2013, 10:58 PM   #3
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Thank you Ronoco. I do feel taken for granted, and taken advantage of much of the time. You are right about doing things for myself. I take care of my body, watch what I eat, and stay active. I am complimented often by other men, and women about how good I look, and definitely not my age. Many people don't believe me when I tell them how old I am. This does wonders for my self esteem, and I need that boost since I feel so defeated after being around my husband and thinking of all that is going on.

I have always been a very easy going person, never arguing... Just loving, caring and understanding. Our kids are all grown, and wonderful adults. We are very close, but I never tell them about what is going on in our marriage. We also have two grandchildren, and he is very loving towards them.

I thought we would get closer as we got older. But to my surprise it was the opposite. Sometimes I think I should just back down, and not be so available, as you say, just start thinking about #1 and doing my own thing. Meanwhile, giving him the time to play this affair out to see if she is what he really wants. I don't know. So many things go around in my head, and I don't know what to believe with him anymore.

Thanks for some great insight!
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Old 4th September 2013, 06:26 AM   #4
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

HI Pamela
In your position I would need to sit down with him, maybe in a counselling setting, and get to the bottom of this. He at least owes you that. I personally wouldn't put up with this cheating in whatever form that is taking. How can you make any decisions if you dont know the truth about what has happened and is happening? Once you find out exactly what is going on, then you can decide what to do.
If you carry on in ignorance surely you are enabling his behaviour. If he knows that there will be consequences to his actions, then he may think again.

Why not have a deep think and write down what you want to know and what you want to happen., Then say that you want to go to counselling. If he refuses, have you got a friend who you both trust who you can go to instead? Nothing will change unless you change it yourself. He is happy with the best of both worlds, so why does he need to stop all this?
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Old 4th September 2013, 08:45 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

His prime relationship in life should be with you as his wife Pamela. You have been very generous and have supported his lifestyle but I wonder now if you are just enabling his estrangement. He has obviously cut loose and is causing you legitimate suspicions concerning his lifestyle. I am very suspicious about his activities online up to the early hours of the morning. I think you have to take stock and get to the bottom of what is going on. It sounds to me like an arranged desertion this thing about an arrangement.
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Old 4th September 2013, 03:26 PM   #6
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

You are right, he is trying to live the best of both worlds! I have suggested counseling in the past, and he always says he doesn’t need it, that I do.

My husband is a very good sports fisherman. Since his retirement he lives and breathes fishing. I don’t know what she does for a living, but she is an enthusiast for fishing just as he is. To me fishing is fishing. I can’t come close to where they exist with this sport. I have much more of a life! Besides my career, I enjoy yoga, working out, many other things that my husband does not partake in.

I try to mention emotional infidelity to my husband and he doesn’t want to hear it, and discredits it. I sense a very strong attachment when I read through her blog. She claims she has learned so much from him about fishing and "life". At one point she thanked him for fishing items that I knew had sentimental value to him. I asked him where she lives and he said somewhere in the next state, he didn’t know exactly where. I think he’s lying and she lives close by. I asked where he met her to give her the items he gave her. He got upset and told me I was making too much out of it. The items didn’t mean anything to him, and she needed them for a project. She didn’t say that in her blog. She said "it was an awesome thing he did and that she would keep everything together in a special place just as he had given them to her". Then… he mentioned a town thirty minutes away, saying she “circled around” through this town to meet him at the marina where he docks his boat. That was strange! Why did he mention this town when it was not necessary? I think he slipped! She references too many local places with pictures in her blog. I checked some of his previous toll logs and found several trips to the area he mentioned, with no indication of fishing or hunting trips, which is why he claims to go to that area.

He claims he hates when men physically abuse women, and that’s why he talked to her. He says he was trying to tell her to get away from this guy. For three years?! He also told me she has three kids, and he’s not interested in being with anyone with kids. He spoke a bit about her daughter who he claims is somewhat withdrawn. He is too involved with her life to deny a relationship.

She would never respond to my messages. When I first discovered her blog, as shocked as I was, I commented on each post about my husband, telling her I thought it was very nice that she gave him so many props on her blog. She kept my comments hidden, and told my husband I was threatening her! I then messaged her that my husband claimed she was just a friend, and that his friends are mine, as mine are his, and I looked forward to meeting her. She has since disabled any comments to her posts. She never responded! What kind of friend is that?

I can’t imagine what he has told her about me. But I know I must have thrown them a curve when they realized I was on to them! This is probably why he was so angry with me initially, telling me I needed to get help because I was losing my mind accusing him of cheating.

As long as I don’t mention this fiasco everything is okay with us. Every now and then I will make a remark that reminds him this is very much on my mind, and you can see the frustration in his face. He will respond saying I am trying to start something. But I just move on to the next subject, with no reaction.

I trust my intuition and it tells me not to be fooled by his kindness. I have a keen sense for when he is lying. Even though I still love him, and I can’t walk away from the marriage yet… I do have moments of thought’s of being with someone genuinely committed in a solid relationship.

I appreciate your comments and insights. I do not have anyone close to me who I feel comfortable sharing all of this with. Your feedback means so much! Thanks!
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Old 4th September 2013, 05:15 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

Why not call his bluff and say that from now on you would like to go with him on his trips away fishing. Then tell him you can spend quality time together. See what he says. If he says 'well you dont like fishing', just say something like, 'I can just be there and read or look around the area while you fish, and then we can spend the evenings together.'

He is using anger to make sure that you don't bring the subject up.

People who are having wrong relationships nearly always tell the other spouse that they are being paranoid or jealous or whatever. MY brothers wife did this for 3 months. Denying and accusing him of being paranoid over and over.
He was right of course.
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Old 4th September 2013, 08:35 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

I would trust your instincts Pamela. My instinct tell me that you are right and you must protect yourself and not let up. He wants you to drop it but you can't. Her response on the blog speaks volumes. What is she trying to hide? A husband's wife should be respected and honoured as his wife, unless you are up to some funny business, in which case you will be really disturbed. Something is just not right. You know it, we know it and they know it.
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Old 5th September 2013, 04:10 PM   #9
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Thanks! So much great advice here!
Interestingly enough, last night I tried to (very calmly) talk to him about my feelings and show him some of the communications between them that would lead anyone to believe something was going on. I'm so tired of him telling me its all in my head, I was finally ready to share some of the documented conversations and writings I had collected from his fishing site and her blog. Again, he became very angry... told me I was crazy, fked up, and he didn't know how much more he could take of my accusations. He said by me bringing documented conversations that meant nothing, just that I was pointing the finger at him and he's tired of it. He asked me why I wasn't saying anything about "L", another wowan he has taken out fishing (he claims one time), then showed me her picture from his fishing site. I told him of course I didn't know anything about her, not like all the history of him and this one woman. He claims they are all fishing friends, and I could take all my private eye work and beat myself up with it all I wanted. He said he doesn't take me fishing because I dont know how to fish and he doesn't have the patience to deal with me. He goes out to fish, not babysit me. He was tired of me smothering him, asking where he was and what he was doing all because I think something is going on. I tried to point some things out to him in her blog, and he said I was reading too much into it, and that it was not about him. He was extremely upset and defensive. I told him that was not making me feel any better about any of this. If there was truly nothing to this he would be able to listen and see the things I was trying to show him. He kept pushing me away from the computer, didn't want to hear anything, and took my folder of information away from me and threw it on the floor... saying it was trash. He said, "That poor girl thinks you are crazy" I walked away from that encounter very calmly, with a smile... because I'm starting to get tired of trying to reach him, yet relieved to show him I have so much proof. He is really trying to drive it into me that I'm crazy, losing my mind and wrong to accuse him.

I don't know where I am with all of this, and starting to feel like I just want some space and time out. I'm exhausted, mentally beat up. I really need a break!
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Old 5th September 2013, 04:26 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

He is again trying to shut you up with up with anger. Just say calmly that from now on you are going with him on any over night stays, and that you will do your own thing during the day and will spend time with him in the evenings. The he does not have to babysit you at all. If he is very against you doing that, well, you have your answer really.

If he point black refuses, then you need to decide whether you are going to put up with this or not.
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Old 5th September 2013, 05:41 PM   #11
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Well, the overnite fishing trips would be difficult because I work full time. Remember, he's retired. Any of these trips would call for me to take time off from work. What I need to do at this point is start planning my own getaways, on my own free time!

Now, considering financials... we already have seperate accounts, and he is very secretive about his finances. He retired when he was 55, and I assumed he was in good shape to do so. I know his sport fishing is expensive, but he always claims he's broke when I mention doing something together. He is adamant about me paying half of all the bills. He says its only fair since I live here too. I have never believed the "broke" story. I have always worked and contributed to all living expenses. I truly believe he's got savings that he is hiding from me. He will complain about not having money to cover all the bills when he wants half from me, but he's not trying to work. He seems to be very content with his retirement budget. I have thought hard about ALL of this!
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Old 5th September 2013, 06:26 PM   #12
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamela View Post
Well, the overnite fishing trips would be difficult because I work full time. Remember, he's retired. Any of these trips would call for me to take time off from work. What I need to do at this point is start planning my own getaways, on my own free time!

Now, considering financials... we already have seperate accounts, and he is very secretive about his finances. He retired when he was 55, and I assumed he was in good shape to do so. I know his sport fishing is expensive, but he always claims he's broke when I mention doing something together. He is adamant about me paying half of all the bills. He says its only fair since I live here too. I have never believed the "broke" story. I have always worked and contributed to all living expenses. I truly believe he's got savings that he is hiding from me. He will complain about not having money to cover all the bills when he wants half from me, but he's not trying to work. He seems to be very content with his retirement budget. I have thought hard about ALL of this!
Well to be quite honest, what sort of marriage is it with no honesty,only lies, secrets and weird attitudes to 'his' money and 'your' money.
In marriage everything should be shared and nothing hidden. No wonder you cant trust him, I wouldnt either.
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Old 5th September 2013, 06:33 PM   #13
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Honestly, after 29 years... I am so ready to experience a relationship with some one who really wants to be with me, and appreciates me. I think I am a very good person, at least I try to be. I am tired of feeling lonely. I pray that my heart be moved swiftly so that I can move forward.

Thanks so much for your support.
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Old 5th September 2013, 06:39 PM   #14
ronnoco
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Re: I can't let go!

I agree with Chosen. You should not have secret bank accounts. You should know what one another has. It sounds like you are just acquaintances to me. Are you saying he could possibly have thousands that you don't know about?, Pam, that's crazy!

It's either really mean that he doesn't want you to come fish with him or he doesn't want you there for another reason. Either way, it's not good!

As you said you need a break, why not do it? - even if just for a couple of weeks. Could you stay at a friends?
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Old 5th September 2013, 07:26 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pamela View Post
Honestly, after 29 years... I am so ready to experience a relationship with some one who really wants to be with me, and appreciates me. I think I am a very good person, at least I try to be. I am tired of feeling lonely. I pray that my heart be moved swiftly so that I can move forward.

Thanks so much for your support.
I can understand that. I think its better to live alone than be in a unhappy marriage where you can trust your spouse, and you don't even know how much money he has!

He may as well be a lodger to be honest.
I think you may need to decide between confronting all this with proper counselling, and stating that unless he goes that's it, or living with him while each lives separate lives, or separate for a set time while you take stock of this marriage. I never want to advocate separation except in very bad cases, but what sort of marriage is this? I am amazed that you have stuck it for so long. I also think you need to tell the children how unhappy you are and what you suspect.
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