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Old 19th September 2013, 04:05 AM   #16
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Well, a month has passed, and over that time I have tried to talk about this other woman friend with my husband, pointing out how inappropriate their communicatios have appeared on that public fishing forum. He doesn't want to hear it. I feel I need to talk to him about my perceptions , but he gets very angry, telling me I'm obsessed with this woman and making things up in my head, driving myself insane. If I don't talk about it, like it doesnt exist, he and I get along ok... still not great, but ok. He appears to be acting friendlier toward me if I act like the issue doesn't exist.

Last night I brought it up again, mentioning how much she messaged him, 148 out of 188 times, publicly on that fishing forum over the past three years. Though it was light conversing, it was still majorly focused on him. Not to mention they were talking by phone also. He lashed out at me, yelling in my face that I was wrong, and he didn't want to hear anything else about it. And I mean yelled, "Leave me alone!" He told me if I thought I was helping thngs by talking to him about it I was wrong. He told me I have a problem of jealousy. He brought up that if I had not gotten pregnant with our now adult daughter, he would have never married. He does not like me being clingy, and trying to be close to him. I don't perceive myself as being clingy at all. I never yelled back at him, and stayed extremly composed, trying to understand why he was so nasty to me about this. I told him over the summer I had three weeks of vacation time of which I made an effort to spend time with him before I went back to work. Well, he found that annoying. Then he started complaining about my finances again. Mind I pay half on all the bills the majority of the time. Plus I footed most of the expenses of raising my three kids for many years. He tried to tell me I should have all this money saved, and he should never have to cover any bills becasue I may not have the money. I told him with all I've done over the years he speaks as though it was nothing. I also told him he lives a good life as much as he acts like its so bad and says he's broke because of me. He retired at 55 and lives this leisure life of fishing, while I'm still working and taking care of many things. If he's truly so broke why doesn't he go back to work? He's not broke, and he's trying to make me feel like I owe him. He's always looking to get money from me, adamant abut me paying half of every expense. He doesn't pay half back to me on anything I pay for. I told him I'm tired of him constantly putting me down, and not giving me credit for anything I do. I have given 150% to our marriage, and he talks to me like he's doing me a favor by staying in the marriage. He shurgged his shoulders and said "It is what it is, just accept it." Today I worked, and since coming home, I have stayed away from him. He tried to be friendly by speaking to me when I came in, and then made the remark "Oh, you're not talking now?" I just don't want to even be in his presence. Everything is so fresh in my mind and though I probably still love him, I'm not feeling it right now. I had moments today where I felt almost like I hated him for being so mean towards me. I might get past this, I don't know. I just feel fed up, like I just don't care what he does. As I drove by myself to and from work, I cursed him, saying all the things I wanted to say to his face, but wouldn't because I know its very hurtful, and I'm just not like that. But doing it alone was good therapy to release some of the anger. Ugh! I feel like he has destroyed so much of my spirit and desire to have anything else to do with him.
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Old 19th September 2013, 04:40 AM   #17
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

Pamela, to be honest it doesn't sound as if you have ever had much of a marriage in the right sense of the word. Its as if he feels he is doing you a favour by staying with you, so you have to accept anything that he wants to do, no matter how inappropriate.

In a marriage, money should all be 'ours' and not 'mine' and 'yours'. He is acting as if you are house mates each paying half the bills and not husband and wife sharing everything. The fact that he wants you to still go out to work, while he swans about acting so selfishly is bad.

He seems to have little interest in investing anything in the marriage, and is acting very selfishly. If he isn't prepared to change, then you may need to think seriously about whether this is how you want it to be for the rest of your life.

He is also still controlling you with his anger. He refuses to face what he is doing with this lady or be prepared to stop, and so he gets mad and accuses you of jealously. Anger is a good manipulative strategy.

DO you think it may help for you to go to counselling alone, even if he wont go?
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Old 19th September 2013, 08:59 AM   #18
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

You should be number one in his life Pamela and somehow he has drifted. This relationship with this woman certainly doesn't help things. He is a married man after all. It is out of order in my opinion. Does he wear his ring on these trips? A man should always honour their wife in any dealings with women.

Okay things are not right but you need to protect yourself for your own health's sake. I am not sure if cursing him on your own is healthy for you. That did worry me a bit. You still need to love him but not to enable what is happening with this woman. You need to make a stand as there is some control going on here.
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Old 19th September 2013, 09:07 AM   #19
toellandback
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Re: I can't let go!

Hello.
I was reading your last post and was about to make a comment regarding your financial setup. Chosen took every word out of my mouth. It seems alien to me that in a marriage the finances should be so split and almost secretive from each other. Marriage is surely about togetherness, in everything.
Has it always been this way for you ? Do you accept it as normal ? I really cannot think of anyone I know that conducts marriage in this way.
Your husband does seem aloof and very controlling. It's a theme on here it seems. Truely it appears the only solution is to take control of the one thing you can. You. I was very fortunate it worked so quickly for me, but even before that I know I was beginning to feel better about myself. These hurtful people will never change unless their power is taken away. And maybe not even then.
Eventually all of us stop being victims. It's only how long it takes that varies. Your growing resentment and anger will only get worse and eventually make you ill.
I really hope your situation improves soon
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Old 19th September 2013, 12:55 PM   #20
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

Yes the money part does look very unfair and without love. My wife has never had to contribute financially to anything. I am responsible for that. If she does have a job she will contribute and that is a bonus or a gift for the household. To me it seems like a cold money arrangement that speaks volumes about his attiude.
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Old 19th September 2013, 03:07 PM   #21
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Raymond - He never wears his wedding band. He didn't wear it when he worked because he worked in construction, and he said it was dangerous for him to wear a ring. Since his retirement three years ago, he has never worn it. I brought that up to him last week, because I always wear mine. I told him that is one of the first things women look for, and if you are not wearing it , that looks like you are available. He would not respond.
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Old 19th September 2013, 04:24 PM   #22
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

It's very frustrating for me. I'm getting very fed up with his nasty ways and mean remarks. I don't like saying this because it reflects my state of beginning to check out also. I have never opposed helping out, but show some appreciation! I'm not in a good place right now. Yes I feel anger and resentment, but I want to make sure I am seeing things clearly before I take any action.
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Old 19th September 2013, 06:34 PM   #23
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

Maybe he needs to know how unhappy you are and how seriously you are thinking of leaving. If he refuses to listen or go to counselling, then write him a letter. If he knows that you are that serious, then its up to him to make the effort with you. If he doesn't, then quite honestly what sort of marriage is this. A man not wearing his wedding ring says it all really Pamela.
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Old 19th September 2013, 08:38 PM   #24
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

I think I will try the letter. Especially since it is so very difficult to talk with him. Thanks!
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Old 19th September 2013, 09:36 PM   #25
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

It figures about the ring Pamela. I kind of expected it.

A definite case of drifting and maybe even flirting or worse perhaps.

You are wise not to take any sudden action. Really think things through. A letter is a good idea as a start. He appears to be playing the single man so who knows what is going on. Does he come home every night or are these trips residential? His anger about the other woman speaks volumes to me. You are surely touching on something and it is not just some paranoia. Any wife would be worried about his behaviour. If he committed adultery it would be a lot more straight forward but as it is you do not really know what is going on. He has been allowed to drift so much that it has become a difficult thing to tackle.
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Old 19th September 2013, 10:43 PM   #26
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Some trips are overnight and appear to be legit. Others I have wondered, like the last week long trip several states away when I didn't hear from him for a full week. That really bothered me. I waited for him to call. When I questioned him about it he said I could have called him. That was lame response.. . I will never forget that trip as a suspicious one.

Last edited by Pamela; 19th September 2013 at 10:56 PM.
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Old 19th September 2013, 11:07 PM   #27
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

You have no way of knowing if these trips are legitimate of not or whether he is staying with her or not. I hope that you will get solid evidence if he is physically cheating.
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Old 19th September 2013, 11:33 PM   #28
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

I know I need physical proof of any cheating, and its so hard. One thing for sure is nothing seems right and I know that from my core. I feel like I am in the depths of confusion, doubt, suspicion, feeling cheated of a solid relationship, used and mentally and emotionally abused. It's a horrible place to be.
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Old 20th September 2013, 05:45 AM   #29
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

Yes it is, but its only you who can make the decision to either live with it or not. Even if he hasn't actually had sex with her, its almost certainly an inappropriate emotional relationship. That's apart from the money aspect, the secrecy, the lies, the lack of love and the plain selfishness of his actions.

I cant see what you can do except to let him know the depth of your unhappiness and how close you are to calling it a day, and see what his response is.
If it is 'well I don't care and I am not going to do anything about it' you can make a decision based on whether you want to accept it and live together under the same roof but have different lives, or whether you are going to separate. I am not one to advocate separation, but to me this really isn't a marriage. Its as if you are house mates, and not happy house mates either.
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Old 20th September 2013, 08:10 AM   #30
ronnoco
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Re: I can't let go!

Agree with all hat has been sent. The simple fact that he didn't contact you, his wife, for a whole week shows how little he cares about you.

Personally I think emotional affairs can be worse then just physical. Please read this link : -

http://www.startmarriageright.com/20...rd-your-heart/

You absolutely need to have it out with him. Letting is fester like this is just mental torture hat will slowly eat you up. Like chosen said, if he just doesn't want to talk, take action. You deserve better Pam.
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