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Old 20th September 2013, 08:51 AM   #31
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

I think you have had it out with him to a certain extent Pamela and was virtually told to shut up about it. Whether he is cheating or not the marriage style needs a lot to be desired.

Can you say how long this has been going on? Was there ever a time when things were normal and happy? Was there any incident that started this lifestyle? Just trying to look for clues.

If a wife is concerned about the appearance of her husband's lifestyle he should be able to put her mind at rest and avoid wrong appearances and not get angry about it. I'm not saying that a husband can never talk to a woman say at work, church in a club or whatever but to spend a large amount of social time with one woman and resent your own wife's communication does look very suspicious.
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Old 20th September 2013, 06:05 PM   #32
Pamela
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Post Re: I can't let go!

We have both worked for many years. When he wasn't working he fished and hunted. I took care of the home and helped the kids through getting out and starting their lives. I have always been the very involved parent. I didn't notice how distant we had become until three years ago when he retired. This is when he started communicating with this woman. He stopped hunting pretty much and has gone fully into fishing. This is also her big sport. I thought we would have more time together after he retired since the kids are grown. It's just me and him in the house now. I still work full time. So I don't know what he does during the day when I'm at work. In the evenings he is in his den on his fishing sites, watching TV and sometimes on the phone. He does not really like when I go in and sit with him. He tolerates it, but I can tell he's waiting for me to leave. Then there are days he goes fishing with occasional overnite deepsea trips. I have distanced myself since the last conversation when it ended in him complaining about my finances. That was so out of place and irrelevant. He was complaining about past years on occasions when he had to pay bills when I didn't have enough money. That was always during summer vacation when school was out. He said I should always have enough saved for the two months I'm not teaching. He said he should never have to wait for me to get money to pay the bills. It was ridiculous. He's so broke he can't cover a couple of bills in the summer? Why did he retire then? Why doesn't he go back to work? He obviously has a comfortable retirement. Why is he always saying he's broke and its because of me? It's a distraction. He yells at me for bringing up this woman then changes the conversation, turning it around to condemn me for something. We needed trash bags, and he waited for me to come home in the evening from work to tell me if I was running back out to pick them up! What was wrong with him? He had been out that day why didn't he pick them up? I have been staying to myself because I just can't deal with him right now. I'm so disappointed and heartbroken. I just don't want to deal with him. I've tried and tried. I'm feeling kind of defeated.
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Old 20th September 2013, 07:29 PM   #33
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

You are living separate lives under the same roof. There is no marriage in the real sense of the word. Even when he is there he wants nothing to do with you. It must be a very lonely existence, but from what you said it was always like that, but the children being there masked it.
The choices are yours, accept it and makes your separate life for yourself, or leave.
As I said before though, I think you need to tell him just how deeply unhappy you are and see what he does or doesnt do first. His reaction to you threatening to leave will say it all really. Will he be relieved and not be worried, or will he realise that he doesn't want the marriage to end and actually make an effort?
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Old 21st September 2013, 12:13 AM   #34
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Yes, you are right. I never saw things going this way. I always worked hard to make him happy, keep up my home, always there for the kids, and holding down a full time job. I always thought things would only get better. I guess that's what he refers to as my "fantasy marriage". I don't know what to think or what to do. So I'm not doing anything right now. Just need some time out and to myself. Your feedback has been priceless here. I might have believed I was losing my mind without your support. Thank you all. Thank you so much!
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Old 21st September 2013, 03:07 AM   #35
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

I think the problem is that you have always given, and he has always taken. You do get marriages like that, in fact my husbands first marriage was like that. He was always trying to keep her happy, but she didn't reciprocate.

Yes give it time and think about what it is you want now. He may well never change unless he thinks you may actually leave, but even then he may not make an effort. If you do stay then you may need to accept that you will have to live your own life under the same roof, and get on with things that you enjoy and see friends that you have. Go on holidays without him.
OF course if he is cheating(and if he is I hope that you find out)then you can make a decision based on that.
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Old 21st September 2013, 09:38 AM   #36
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

It does look as if he has thoroughly taken advantage of your goodwill and played on it Pamela. You cannot do that any longer as it only enables his selfishness. My wife does a lot for me but I appreciate it it and show her I do. She is a gem. If I just took her for granted I am sure it would lead to big problems eventually. I think reading the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend might help you.

With regard to cheating. We don't really know. Personally I wonder what else goes on in that den of his through the computer. If he is running to her for solace instead of you it cannot be strengthening the marriage. A husband should never go to another woman to receive flattery or solace. She doesn't have to live with him so she is getting a false picture.

I think the money thing is awful. My wife has never really worked from when she was first pregnant apart from a lunchtime thing at schools so you have done more than your share financially. He has totally the wrong attitude on that and is treating you as a business partner rather than a wife.

I don't have the answer. Wish I did. I know someone who does have the answers if you are able to look to Him.

If you knew that he had gone as far as adultery then it would be much simpler in some ways. Not that I would wish that on you.
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Old 21st September 2013, 09:05 PM   #37
ronnoco
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Re: I can't let go!

Hi Pamela,

The more I read of your situation - the more it sucks.

You're working all day long, he's basically doing nothing yet he chooses to spend all evening in his cave? - this shows to me that he just doesn't want to spend time with you...that's very sad. Why can't he get the bin bags? - this I find is plain nasty, it's like you're a servant or a dog he is playing tricks on. How horrible.

If you go back to your original post, you clearly long for someone to love you the way you love them...make you feel special, a sense of worth, someone to romance you, treat you right, special great times with.

If I were you, I would simply say you're leaving...even taking the other woman out of the equation you shouldn't be in this marriage.

Move out and see what happens...he'll either want you back or he wont. I strongly suspect he wont.

I'm so sorry...I just honestly can't see you ever being happy with this man and you damn well deserve to be happy.
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Old 22nd September 2013, 04:35 PM   #38
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

True. I know there's something more enjoyable beyond this. Even if it is a life living just with myself. I shouldn't expect anything from him, and as mentioned earlier, just start to live my life separate from him. It's definitely a fresh way to see things. I know I would plan and do more by not waiting for him. At this point I feel it is best because it will help me to get things off my mind and move forward. I know I've been feeling down and in a stagnant place because of the disappointment with or relationship. I have to get out of this. I work to keep from thinking about it, and I need to start taking some time to enjoy myself again for a change. That seems like it has become almost non-existant anymore.
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Old 22nd September 2013, 04:59 PM   #39
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

I agree Pamela
Look into things that you will enjoy. A choir, an evening class, a sport or whatever it
may be. Why not plan a holiday alone or with a friend or family members?
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Old 30th September 2013, 09:23 PM   #40
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

Well, he's been appearing to be a bit nicer to me, again as long as I don't bring up the subject of this other woman. Even spending a little bit, not a lot, but a noticable bit more time... but I still have had my guard up. I'm not putting my head in the sand. Then... this weekend I was curious to look at some of his bank statements. I found one from this past July where he wrote her a check for $150. I was shocked! The date was around the same time he was after me to give him half of the mortgage money, because he couldn't handle it by himself. And of course, I did get half to him. Today, I'm at work, and I sent him a note with a copy of the check (writing to him is much easier than trying to talk to him face to face) I wrote, "I hope this is not happening too often because we can't afford it." He replied, "I bought a fishing rod from her. WTF". I wrote back that I knew he would say that! (Logical alibi)

So, maybe he did just by a fishing rod from her, or maybe he's giving her money on a regular basis... I don't know for sure. I told him he needs to be upfront and honest with me about this. I am tired of finding things out like this. She is obviously a part of his life. He wrote me back still claiming they have nothing more than a friendship, strictly based on fishing. He says he knows I don't believe him when he says there was never and never will be a romantic relationship with her...that it angers him that I won't accept that and keep accusing him when it's not the case.

Well, this check copy does not help anything. I wrote him back telling him everything about how I feel. I don't want to argue and fight with him about this. I don't want him yelling at me that I'm wrong and losing it. I definitely don't want to hear that I'm to blame for him being broke anymore! I let him know when he attacks me verbally everytime I try to talk to him about this it pushes us further and further apart. I'm tired of him hiding what is going on between them. If it's nothing more than friendship he should tell me upfront about dealings with her, especially knowing the profound effect she has had on our marriage. I know this has all put me in a different place in our relationship. Right now, I don't believe anything he says to me. I'm suspicious about all his time away from home, and assuming he's spending time with her. I think he's staying with me because it's "home", our financial obligations, and he knows a breakup behind this would be awful. But I don't know what direction I'm going in right now. I would be fine without him. Financially I make good money. He is covered medically under my insurance plan which he would lose if we slipt up. I just don't know how much more I can take. I always feel like she's getting the best of him, and I am left with his, often, grumpy attitude. I'm just getting tired.
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Old 1st October 2013, 08:52 AM   #41
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

If he values his marriage he should stop seeing her and put you first. A husband should not be spending such a lot of time with another woman alone. His first priority should be to give you peace of mind on this as it is seriously affecting the marriage. He knows that and doesn't do anything constructive about it it. Our wives should be our first relationship priority and everything should fit around that.
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Old 1st October 2013, 10:32 AM   #42
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

When I got home from work he lit into me again for wrongly accusing him. Extremely angry, yelling at me that I was driving myself crazy and him to hate me. He also criticized me for snooping through his things. He refused to see how this looks to me, but instead turned it all around to make me look like the bad one. He said he wanted to be away from me because he couldn't take it anymore. Again he claims he has had nothing romantic with her, and had spoken with her to tell her about my reaction to the check. She thought it was funny that I have reacted this way and apologized to him that their friendship caused this problem. Why did he call her to discuss this and not me? They sympathize with each other, but he doesn't call me all day, waits for me to get home and verbally attack me. He makes me feel like I have damaged our marriage and it is all my fault. He even claimed his friends asked who was sending him so many messages yesterday and he told them it was his crazy wife who thinks he is messing around. He ended the conversation telling me to go ahead drive myself insane and he will put me away in an institution. I could only think, how cruel and mean? How is this all my fault? Did I push things beyond repair by expressing my perceptions and what I was feeling? He came to bed very late, never said another word. His alarm went off at 4:30am. He got up, got dressed and left by 5am. Still not speaking to me. I feel I may have ruined everything. I feel horrible, and very confused because this all went so very bad. Does he really hate me for all of this?
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Old 1st October 2013, 01:09 PM   #43
chosen
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Re: I can't let go!

There is no way that he should be telling her your personal problems . How is that going to help you stop being jealous? Neither should he be speaking about you to his mates like that. That is totally disrespectful. In your place I would be seriously wondering if you want to remain with this man unless he is prepared to go to counselling with you or start to treat you as a man should treat his wife. I honestly cant see what is in this marriage for you. He appears to care nothing about you.
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Old 1st October 2013, 01:17 PM   #44
Raymond
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Re: I can't let go!

Yes of course he should be confiding in you not her. It's like a them and me situation but you are his wife. It sounds like an emotional attachment to the detriment of the marriage to me. He doesn't seem to see it or won't see it. It seems like he gets a lot of flattery from her from what you have described about the website. A wife is like part of ones own flesh and nothing should be allowed to come between that special relationship. Any relationship that does should be out of bounds for the benefit of the marriage. All that goes on should be open to you as a matter of respect to you as his wife.

He is not doing much to help you to trust him it seems. It is up to him to put you mind at rest but he just gets angry. I think your concerns are reasonable. I think he is very naive. He is giving opportunity for temptation to her if nothing else.
In our church we never counsel a woman alone, but always bring another woman with us, preferably our wife. These are just sensible precautions. I don't get insulted at this. It is good practice.
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Old 1st October 2013, 02:39 PM   #45
Pamela
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Re: I can't let go!

He really made me feel awful for pursuing this. I never meant to cause him so much misery and make him hate me. I guess it was a desperate attempt to salvage something... I don't know. I just wanted to know I was wrong about my suspicions and that he really loved me. But this outcome is a nightmare. I still love him, but I think this has destroyed everything... Even chances of us being friends at this point. He really came off like he hates dealing with me. Right now I wish I could just crawl off into a crevice somewhere away from everything and everybody for a while.
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