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Old 20th October 2014, 01:33 PM   #1
Bob Pure
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Not liking each other after long marriage ?

Hi folks. I have been a frequent reader here for many years. I could really use some advice.

Summary: Christian couple, each other's first, still my only. Married at 22, now fifty.
Wife had a nasty entangled affair ten years ago. Achieved a recovery of sorts over five years or so using Harley's Marriagebuilders concepts, but it was shallow.

We aren't happy. We have become immune to each others positive traits and particularly irritated by each others less positive traits. Not only is there no romantic love, there is even little LIKE between us.

We do not invest in those uninstinctive things that the other truly values. I HAVE done that, as part of our marriagebuilders recovery but it was one-sided and after several years , I felt embarrassed and withdrew.

I would be happy to divorce, were it not that at fifty this would severely impoverish all of us, and would not even cut each other out of our lives while we still co-parent our young adult children's start towards independence.

I am lonely in my marriage, aching for affection and some kind of adult love but that seems a distant dream about now.

I guess counselling would be a good start but you should know that my wife despises anything introspective and would rather die than share anything intimate with strangers.

Thats a brutal summary friends. Any wisdom for me ? Recommended counsellors in the Midlands ?

Bless you
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Old 21st October 2014, 08:52 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: Not liking each other after long marriage ?

This is why affairs are so terrible, because they can often destroy what the marriage is all about. I admire you for remaining in the marriage after a long entangled affair on behalf of your wife, many cant do that.
Relate marriage guidance would be a good bet, but if you wife refuses to go then that's not a good sign. You may need to ask that she does that as a condition for the marriage to carry on.

yes divorce does mean that you are both poorer but that's life, and its happens to millions who seem to cope, but unless she is willing to work on the marriage and make changes, then what is the alternative? Your children are young adults now, so you wouldnt need to see her if you did divorce, except for times like weddings. My husbands children were age 18 and 21 when she divorced him, and he has only seen her once in over 9 years when one of them was baptised. At that age they are perfectly capable of being in contact with you themselves surely? They dont need their mum to do that for them.

Have you told her exactly how you feel and that you ache for this intimacy? Do you communicate about the future?
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Old 21st October 2014, 08:59 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Not liking each other after long marriage ?

I was wondering if she expressed any repentance to you over the affair? Maybe the roots of this have not been sorted?
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Old 25th October 2014, 12:29 AM   #4
Bob Pure
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Re: Not liking each other after long marriage ?

Thank you friends.
My wife is a complex person. Her upbringing was very strange , raised by her asian grandmother when her biomom abandoned her and her sisters when very young. Her family of origin are all very bad at apologising, and are all intensely critical. Wife is the same.

She has come close to apologising for her affair without it being spontaneous. She has has been assiduously faithful since then but has not really inconvenienced herself to respond to my needs since then.

The roots have not been sorted but I don;t think our current stalemate is because of her affair. This is just that we have, in the words of sixties songwriters, grown apart. We have had nothing in common but our kids for years and now they are young adults even that doesn't really make us collaborate.

Thing is regarding divorce, I can't really see as a Christian what grounds I might have.

Also regarding the impoverishment, I was made redundant last year. I quickly found a new job but it pays half what my old one did. My whole family would be poor indeed if we divorced. I don't want that at fifty if I can help it.

Counselling is probably the thing to do. I'm just so sad to find this is where I am after so much effort expended in forgiveness and wrestling the very devil of an affair.
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Old 25th October 2014, 03:19 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Not liking each other after long marriage ?

So really she never properly repented or made much effort to build up the marriage again. I think that you under estimate the devastation that adultery has on a marriage. It breaks the covenant and it will never be as it was before even if you stay together. You have done such a lot to try and move past it, but something is lost when that happens. Thats not to say it cant be good again if there is true repentance and sorrow for what was done.

Well adultery of course is a reason to end a marriage, but it would be better to both get some good marriage counselling and make a real effort. You do need to tell her how desperately unhappy and unloved you feel, and that you are even wondering if you should stay together. Hopefully that will shock her a bit and she may agree to work on things.
Do you have evenings out together? Weekends away? Hobbies that you share? Holidays without the children?

As for the money aspect, does she work?
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Old 27th October 2014, 12:43 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Not liking each other after long marriage ?

I agree with Chosen. Where there is no full repentance the marriage will be shaky. I think you have grounds for divorce on a christian basis if you needed it. It sounds like your wife is not a christian to me or least only a nominal one.
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