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Old 17th October 2014, 12:21 PM   #1
confused70
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1
Cripes what have i done!

This is my first and only relationship, got married within 18 months and married for 12 years, now have two children (10 6). We didn't meet until I was just gone 30 and in the previous years i had a pretty mad 2 years which involved practically every night out drinking and a variety of one night stands - the day I met her this all just stopped dead.

For a number of months I have become more isolated from the relationship between us, on the family side everything normal. Around the same time last year I had similar feelings although had not isolated myself as much from her, however there was a big thing going on for her and i had decided if it failed then I would leave. It didn't fail so I decided to knuckle down and sort myself out and carry on - this did not involve talking or saying anything to anyone and after a couple of months everything seemed to be fine. Then after we came back from holiday started to feel the same again however much stronger than before and it all blew up over the weekend. Long story short over the space of 48 hours changed my mind from in love, out of love, in love, out of love to which finally walked out of the house with nothing by car keys and my jacket - during the last out of love bit she called a friend round for support. I just sat there and said it without any emotion or feeling as didn't want to have a shouting match with her and wake the kids and told her i didnt love her, that has really hurt her along with changing my mind about it.

Came back the next day to drop the mother of all bombshells - i had been unfaithful 3 years previous - kissing and bit of touching nothing else on one night only - but kept it quiet for all these years. For her this is how her previous relationships have ended so I knew this was a big problem.

After our 2nd child was born I started to go back out again with the old gang in my pre married days, they are a good laugh but have found myself slipping back to the old ways, chatting and flirting with anything around just cannot stop myself, also when walking around etc I catch myself looking at other women.

I wish I had talked to someone earlier as once again I had said nothing to anyone, not even the internet, just sat letting it fester and bubble away until one little thing set me off.

I have a counseling booked in the coming days as a start to getting things straight in my head as its just a jumble of noise - my wife wants the answers to why was i unfaithful 3 years ago (got way to pi**ed and it happened truth be told) and how can she be sure I will "not love" her in a month, 3 months a years time and go through this again. Until then I am living from a carrier bag sleeping between friends places whilst trying to be there for the kids as much as possible.
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Old 17th October 2014, 10:44 PM   #2
ronnoco
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 391
Re: Cripes what have i done!

Hello,

I think the counselling will do you the world of good because you do indeed sound very confused. Saying you're in love then not, etc - I suspect you have lost all sight of what love actually is. This happens sometimes, there's a whole post dedicated to it here.

Fact is, you are a husband and a father - you promised to love your wife forever and be faithful to her. Think about it logically. If you leave your wife because you think you might find someone better, you are going to break your childrens hearts. Do you want to be the person that does that to them? The person who creates a broken home?

When my wife told me she was leaving me and told my daughter, she came over to me with her little chin trembling , tears running down her face and told me she didn't want it to happen. I can honesty tell you that was the worst moment of my entire left. I would hate to be the person that inflicted that pain on my daughter. It was totally out of my control and it was still terrible.

What's it going to be like in just a few years when your teenage kids asked why you left mum - a women they love and care about no end?

Is it worth it?

The truth is - I suspect you see other women, they look pretty, you imagine being with them, create a certain picture in your head etc but it's juts infatuation. Sometimes the forbidden fruit can make our mind play tricks with us.

You've made a good decision getting counselling, it shows maturity. You should tell your wife that you want to get past this and fully work on doing so because you owe it to your wife, yourself and your kids to do everything possible to try and make your marriage work.

All the best.
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Old 20th October 2014, 09:54 AM   #3
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Cripes what have i done!

I agree with what Ronnoco says. I think the missing link is that you are relying too much on feelings and not enough on commitment to your wife. Love is an act as well as a feeling. We can do that even when we don't feel it. It's called working on your marriage. You have not been honest about your philandering which is a sure recipe for weakening a marriage. I feel for your wife quite honestly as this is the second time it has happened to her. If you are still listening I think you need to decide whether you are going to be a faithful husband or not. Until you decide that I don't see a solution for them or you.
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