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Old 19th August 2011, 12:15 AM   #16
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness..

Does your h use recreational drugs as pot? His behavior is so erratic, moody and it seems more than financial concerns. Agreed the M is like having another woman, because it removes intimacy from the marriage. It seems more than that to me..just doesn't make sense. I am suspicious about the use of his money the poor mouthing. Why don't you call his attorney and make inquiry. You are married, right? I don't think he is truthful, and may have a habit to account for those funds. Yes, it seems you have hit an impasse and he is little concerned for you either emotionally or physically.

Unless his use of alcohol has increased which gives him a nasty side. Funny, but some have a few drinks and relax, then the next drink launches the beast with insults or combat. I grew up in with a stepfather who drank. There are personality/brain declines with alcoholism.

I'm really sorry that your day to day is without joy but feel what you are doing can help you with the side income or better, depending on you. I will send you an email of a woman who is much in demand with the hats. You can check out her stuff. She is amazing.

If you can no longer afford the place you live you will have to find another place. Putting things in storage is a lose. lose idea as the storage bills grow to be more than the junk stored. Sorry, but I get the feeling he wants out more than you do. His "plan" seems to be for him, and not both of you.
I think you are right in how you assess that situation and it is not good. I think you should not mention the money you have credited and if I were you, would get an escape fund squirreled away if he has some plan you don't know about. His behavior has made you feel very insecure and upset.

Obama had a right idea that people need health care, not tied to the job. Women need PAP tests, Mammiograms especially with family history, that is a relief for you. That was a concern that you had no health care and are years from SS plan. I would not put a lot of hope with disability claim as they are notorious for dragging that out for years or denying marginal claims. Seems he felt you should have answers to problems he should have been working on for the two of you. I think you are correct in your feeling that is a lost cause and sex is the least of your problems there. The biggest problem is the lack of communication. That is what needs to change.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 20th August 2011 at 02:18 AM.
 
Old 19th August 2011, 12:20 AM   #17
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think i've mentioned before that he will not go to a marriage counselor and clearly he does not think a lot of me nor I him. He won't even try to work on our problem and still pretends there isn't one, and I am in here at night wondering if he is m. He doesn't even wait until I go to bed.

I spend most of my time by myself anyway as he continues to watch the same movies and doesn't talk to me unless he's complaining about finances. He didn't used to complain so I think he did something with some of the money he gets and now he doesn't have enough to get through the month.

He said he was going to buy me a microwave for my birthday and not only is he not going to do that, but he didn't have the decency to tell me. I am tired of his secrets. He acts like his finances and bank account is a forbidden secret. Around the 15th he always has money from his attorney and this time he does not and I'm the one who has to suffer for it.

Ending another relationship does not bother me as much as what he's doing to our relationship. I have lived with his secrets forever and I go through his pockets sometimes or I would never know how much money he had. And then sometimes he comes and gives me twenty dollars when I think he is broke.

Clearly there is a secret life going on here, if only because he likes to keep his finances to himself but that isn't the way it should work with a h and w. I didn't mind because I had my own money but now I have to depend on him and so I can't believe him when he says he's going to do this for me or that. He's always kept him word and has always paid things on time but something is wrong here.

He isn't just worried about what the government will take out next year, he's worried because he has no money and he should have. I even mentioned that to him today and he got all quiet. I am open and honest with him about finances and everything else but lately i've started not telling him everything.

I've also quit trying to make conversations with him because he just acts like he wished I'd go away so he can watch tv. This, in turn, makes me feel like an idiot for even trying when he is so clearly not interested. I know him and I know he's worried about things but why all of a sudden? He's been paying for things for a few months now (before that I was contributing) and why all of a sudden is it a big deal?

He told me that he had paid off his child support in one lump sum back in 95. Then he said his ex was suing him because she wanted him to pay for when the girls were in college. Going through his things I discovered that yes he did pay it off but it kept adding up and when we got together and he was telling me he paid all the child support, but he receipts I saw it showed that he was supposed to be paying child support because it was adding up from the time he paid it off.

I have two children, he doesn't think I know anything about child support? So maybe he owed this money and now it has to come out of his settlement and that's why he only gets so much per month. She's probably asking for more than he's willing to pay and he says she refuses to pay the attorney so everything is on hold.

What I'm telling you is that I have had a life with him full of things I don't know, and sometimes he'll tell me and sometimes he won't and I just don't trust him anymore. I'd like to think he was honest and I know he is very private and doesn't reveal things because of his past, but why hide things from me? Does he think I would take advantage of him in some way?

I could care less about his money and he knows that. When we first met he tried to impress me with the house up on the mountain that he owned and was talking about the property he owned and about the money he had. I told him straight out that it didn't make any difference to me if he'd had money or not or owned property.

I don't know what its like to have a lot of money so it matters little to me. I told him I didn't care if he dug ditches for a living I wasn't with him because of money and he knows that. But if I decided to stay with him now it would be about the money. I feel he owes me after everything I've had to put up with and now this sex situation.

I don't know what to tell you. I ask God for direction but I'm not getting any. All I know is I'm tired of wondering when he's jerking off but just as important is that he doesn't care if I don't want to watch something on tv, he knows I hate certain movies cause I've watched them so much and yet he will sit there and watch it anyway with me sitting there.

What kind of love is that? If I knew he hated something I was watching I would try to find something he liked. This just proves what a selfish person he really is. And if he doesn't like it that I'm always in here then he should find something we both like and not be a TV-Nazi. I just hate to be around him now and I've got other things I need to do besides being worried that he's not treating me fairly.

Everything has always been his way, but he discovered quickly that there are things I will not negotiate on. I have no choice but to remain here right now, and I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I do know I'm not going to be miserable for the rest of my life. I've tried to be patient and to adjust to the lack of sex.

I've prayed and trained myself not to dwell on it and even convinced myself it was okay. But what is happening here is that he's doing whatever he wants and doesn't care how I feel about it. He doesn't care that I haven't had sex and I have no physical problem with it. He doesn't care what I think about his distance either.

By his actions I'm getting that he thinks I will just deal with whatever because I love him. Big mistake. No, this is not okay. It's not okay that he doesn't try to get help for this, it isn't okay for him to ignore me like I was a light bulb or something. A light bulb has its purpose and when its done doing its job you just turn it off and that's the way he thinks about me.

If he doesn't know how lucky he is to have a woman love him and show kindness and put up with all his problems, then he doesn't deserve me and if he doesn't want to make love to me and treat me decently, then someone else will.
 
Old 19th August 2011, 12:38 AM   #18
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

He has told me over and over again that he wouldn't be here if he didn't love me and that we are going to be together forever and he's said this recently. Why would he want it to end? He's got everything his own way plus a housekeeper and good cook to boot!

No, he's never been into drugs and he smoked pot in college and that was it. A good friend of ours offered us pot and he wanted nothing to do with it and he isn't drinking now. Hasn't had beer since my birthday. Maybe he's hanging onto money for emergencies, I don't know. The thing is, I'm tired of dealing with all this.

I've been dealing with a lot of it for years and I've never demanded answers or for him to be accountable, I told you all the kind of easy going relationship we've always had. But a wife has certain rights and I'm tired of being understanding and just dealing with whatever his issues are. He should know by now that he could trust me.

It's like we aren't even a couple anymore. Now, I don't hate him, I just feel sorry for him because he's going to lose the best thing he ever had, and he's said this to me before but I can only take so much. The problems in the world are not my fault. The bottom line is he better get his act together or he's going to lose me.

He is destroying my life and my good attitude and now I think negatively like he does and that isn't me at all. When we were going to the bars together way back when I was sure we wouldn't be able to have a life outside of drinking and the bars and I was right. He isn't happy or even normal when he's sober.

I believe he cares for me and I also believe if I told him I wasn't happy with him anymore he would walk right out the door. He's told me this, that if I wasn't happy he would leave. He might not drink nearly as much as he did, but without alcohol he is not the same person. I've always told myself that I have to wait until he drinks for him to have a personality.

I have tried, you all know how hard I've tried and you don't even know the whole story, but I refuse to live the rest of my life with a man who doesn't care about how I feel. He can be a very kind man to others, but with me its a different story. I don't think he even knows what true love is. You don't want the woman you love to hurt and suffer and you put her feelings above your own, the way I have done for years.

Now, I'm tired of talking about this. I had a good day regardless of him. He's said to me many times that this is just the way he is. Well, this is the way I am, I refuse to be taken advantage of just because someone says they love me. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder than words. I have to get back to my hat now, I've spent enough time talking about him. I now need to do something constructive. We don't have to move, he was only saying if he gets less money we will have to move.

He can stay out there and m until his member falls off for all I care.

Last edited by Baroness; 19th August 2011 at 12:41 AM. Reason: misspelling
 
Old 19th August 2011, 12:55 AM   #19
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

When being around another is all downer, best to do your own thing and not get into discussions that bring you down more. Take each day and do what pleases you and stay busy.

In your place I would get some facts he may not be honest about. You can write for a free credit report from one of the four credit agencies as Experian in his name. Get the address on internet. You write in his name, his social security number and date of birth and ask for your free yearly 2011 credit report. You will find out if there is a lien, unpaid taxes or child support issues and what he owes and what he pays. I take it you get the mail? The report would come in about a week.

Yes, Of course, I have done that to keep track of my husbands report because I manage the finances.
One should get a report yearly. In your case, you are owed full disclosure and visibility and he isn't giving that to you, so get it. I am sure a few would disagree with that, but you are owed truth.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 20th August 2011 at 02:19 AM.
 
Old 19th August 2011, 04:47 PM   #20
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

A few years ago my friend mickey ran a report on him through her job and found out that he did own the houses and had his own painting business but it didn't say anything about child support. Of course I have run a credit check for myself on those sites and it cost me nothing for a period of time and I guess I could do that, I just hate to do it and shouldn't have to but it might be a good idea, and I have thought of it before.

He keeps a box in the closet and that's how I found out about the child support after he'd paid it off in full and even his disability papers. He keeps a lot of papers in the van so I could only find out his attorneys address with what was in the closet and he's told me all this before. I don't think a credit check would tell me about his court case though.

It might reveal other things and I do know he's never been in jail before he spent the night in jail when he got a dui years ago. I hate to do this behind his back but I need to know what I'm dealing with here. We get our mail separately. He's always had a po box and I get my mail here. He also does his laundry separate and takes it to a laundry mat where I will do it at my friends or at the washroom here on the premises.

I offered to do his laundry and he said he wanted to do it himself because thats what he's always done and I asked this when we first moved in here. He likes to be independent and so do I but I think he takes it overboard sometimes. If he wants to do his laundry elsewhere then I'm fine with it and if he wants to get his mail elsewhere then fine, but I'm not fine with things I don't know about.

He has made me do these things, like looking in his stuff and so on. I didn't want to do that because I respect his privacy and I know he wouldn't go thru my things but he doesn't need to does he? I've been open and honest about everything, maybe too much so but I thought thats the way it was supposed to be with couples.

He hangs onto stuff from his past where I put it behind me and don't judge him for the things other men have put me through. I am more cautious now and suspicious because that's what happens when someone is not forthcoming. The thing is, I can't discuss what I find out from his things because then he'd know I broke our privacy trust.

This is just one of the things I find hard to live with. I didn't at first because it wasn't necessary for me to know everything when he would tell me about his past, but since i've met him i've always had the feeling that there's things I don't know. Again, this wouldn't be happening if he would have just been forthcoming.

He's opened up to me quite a bit over the years but he has this need to keep certain things private and he tells me to be the same way with other people. I'm just open and honest and don't mind talking to people about my life, he is the opposite. He promised me long ago that he would never lie to me because I told him from the beginning I would not live like that.

In his mind keeping things from me that don't concern me is not lying,but is his own business. He told me that after I found out he'd been getting money from his attorney when he knew we'd waited for years for something to happen with his settlement. I was very hurt because before it was what was his was mine too and now its it doesn't concern you, it has nothing to do with you.

I wonder how he'd feel if I said that to him. The thing is, he really doesn't care what has happened to me in my past. When I try to tell him about an incident he just ends the conversation as quickly as he can. If you love someone, isn't it normal to want to know everything about them?

Anyway, I feel better today and he's better also as far as his mood goes. But is it any wonder I don't trust him at times because of the way he is? I hate this mistrust too. I hate not knowing when and if he is m so sometimes when I suspect he is it could be that he isn't. I was very depressed last night but I don't feel depressed today.

I just don't think I should have to live with these secrets, or things I don't know about. It makes me suspicious and that isn't the way I am. He can justify it all in his mind somehow and yet he loves God so wouldn't cheat on me or break the law or do something that was wrong. He has integrity on how he lives but he just has issues that he hangs onto and is not just turning over to God.

We've all had bad experiences and that is no excuse. I HATE finding out things about him that he didn't tell me about. I don't like things being kept from me. And on top of all that now I have to deal with not making love and wondering when he's m. I've wondered sometimes if he is really where he says he is.

I've checked it out, believe me. I know the guy he's painting with and he calls here for gabby and so I know that's where he is. I know people up at the canyon and so I know he's there. I know the owner at the bar so I know when he's been there and who he is talking to. However; if he was with a woman there Holly (the owner and friend) might not tell me because she's his friend too.

I'm not sure but gabby isn't the type to flirt with women and I've known from others there that if a woman is coming on to him he will get up and leave. I believe he loves me and maybe I should have just accepted all this about him but some things I find hard to accept.
 
Old 19th August 2011, 06:09 PM   #21
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness...

I think you have to break the problems in the marriage into categories. You have a man who doesn't communicate and keeps secrets that concern both of you. You don't know how much money he has coming in as he has a sepate PO box!

You can get a statement from social security on his entitlement income. You write in his name with date of birth, social security number in request a statement of earnings which records his total income year by year, including his present income. Do you file taxes as "married, filing jointly" and sign a return, as his gross earning figure is there. Are you legally married? All these vague areas and the separate activities, including his paranoia down to separate laundry, makes me wonder! No doubt about it , you selected a strange duck! This clearly was not a marriage made in heaven. It should be no surprise that it unravels when you are sober and he has lost his bar buddy (you.) As you observed that sober, he is a dud, than there was not a good beginning for your relationship later.

If you were married 10 years, then you would be entitled to claim part of his SS as part of marital property, depending on your state laws. You get yours or half of his, not both. Generally, men pay in better income so have more credit there. Your marriage has ceased to work, as you seem to live in a train wreck of unhappiness around his secrets and moods. That is similar to alcohol deterioration or personality defects that his other wives found as well. You need serious intervention but it seems much of this is based on financial concerns and th eloss of employment. You both need to have part in the decision making about money issues.
I think you have to confront him..no TV..and talk through some of the problems.

I would get some answers on his income. You have lived in a marriage that doesn't resemble how couples should live. No wonder you are insecure, unhappy, and worry about the future. Work on your disability claim and plan for your future. You can do well with a side income with your crafts but you need a sewing machine and skills. This will tide you over until there are better job possibilities. Listen, there is not a lot of work out there for you. He stands a better chance to work some sideline jobs. He wastes time working free when he has time and he could do something that pays. He doesn't get it that he has to change that plan. Both of you have to work through the money concerns.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 20th August 2011 at 02:22 AM.
 
Old 19th August 2011, 11:22 PM   #22
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Maybe if he knows how close you seem to be in making a decision to leave he would agree to get some outside help. You have both had 2 marriages break up(is that right) and to end yet another one seems so drastic. My husband and I have been through one divorce, after long first marriages, and I would never go through that again unless there was adultery. Even then I am not sure if I would divorce him, probably just seperate for a set time.

Its just too traumatic, and you may think that you will meet someone else, but the older you get the harder it is to meet Christian men, because there are about 4 or 5 Christian women in their 50's to every available man. Also most want younger women as well, so thsi makes the statistics worse. All of us have faults and weakness and there is no such thing as a perfect husband or wife.
To all intents and purposes. he sounds like a basically decent man who loves you, but you seem to be seeing things now that may well not be there, and getting suspicious of him for no reason.
I recommend getting the book called 'The Power of a Praying Wife' by Stormie Omartian and pray those scriptural prayers for him every day. Dont entertain ANY thoughts of leaving or divorce, because that takes away from your committment to the marriage. You have no Biblical reason to leave or divorce anyway, and we cant just run away evey time the marriage goes through a rocky patch. Dont listen to anyone who speaks negatively about your marriage or your husband, or who ever suggests that you should leave or divorce him. For a believer words are SO important, and the Bible says that we can build up or tear down with our words.

Get that book, and I bet that after a year of using those prayers, things will be so much better. God is the only one who can change the situation, but you need to stop thinking about breaking the promises that you made to this man. As long as you are looking for a way out, then you arent committed to it. My feeling is that you have both gone off track and you are already looking and planning about being on your own and that is so sad. You married this man for life and he hasnt done anything to break the marriage vows that he made to you or that you made to him.

I am so troubled by what is happenening here, and the way that you have got more and more negative of your husband and marriage over the last month or so. I have seen it happen and you need to be encouraged to make it work and trust God to change things,and that you need to love him as your husband and for the good that is in him(of which there seem to be a lot) and not think all the time of what he may or may not be doing and of what you may or may not do if you left. You need to be around positive storng believers who believe and have seen marriages restored, and who have seen non believing husbands saved and changed, and who believe that nothing has to stay the same. You need hope and not despair.
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Old 20th August 2011, 01:14 AM   #23
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I don't think decent men grow on trees and it takes a lot of work to work through issues with any man. If there is still feeling, than it is worth every personal sacrifice to work through issues to get this marriage to work. There are no perfect marriages and rather than to live alone is to share life with a partner. Financial concerns come and go. That isn't a reason to call it quits. There are few decent men out there for women post 50. Most carry a huge amount of baggage and are super losers.

That is true, most men who start again think they deserve a much younger woman. There are also poor job prospects for women of that age, unless one has a specific job skills, good health and job history in some field. The truth is employers don't want older workers on their health plans as it costs all employees more for premiums because of the claims. (I used to write group health plans for employers.) The sexual issue is one problem but the lack of communication is the underlying issue it seems. Two people, committed to each other, can overcome many issues as financial, sickness and job insecurity better than one alone trying to make it in the toughest econemy since the depression.

One can't keep searching for another man because often the problems aren't all in the relationship, but the baggage one carries. A woman in this situation is more likely to end up living on poverty level wages and have problems to keep a roof overhead. Relatives have their own problems.

The problem is this man has no intention to get counselling or have a 3rd party intervention until he realizes he may lose his wife. Baroness has a right to know how much money comes into the house, and where it goes. She didn't ask questions before and now has a mess. I agree it would be foolish to end this marriage before both try everything to work out the issues. It seems many problems are financial. Most of us have been in that position and that means you must spend less, make more....pretty basic.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 20th August 2011 at 02:26 AM.
 
Old 20th August 2011, 03:46 AM   #24
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I know how much money he gets from social security. He told me and I read the letter from social security stating how much he gets and his painting this house is only a one time thing. He's painted other nicer homes and got paid very well and his ex and him divorced because she was drinking and cussing at him in front of the children.

There is some feeling left but not half of what it used to be. Its better today but there is still no effort on his part. I know how much money he gets and I know where he is when he's gone. He's been here for the past 4 mornings and I don't like that because I usually watch what I want on tv during the morning.

I could probably find another man but I'm not thinking about that. I don't need a man in my life and i'm not worried about my future because God has assured me that I don't have anything to worry about. I trust him and I will find a way to support myself because he is not going to change, he just expects me to accept this and I'm not going to.

Chosen, he wasn't married twice, I was, and if he knew I was thinking of leaving he would not get help, he would just walk out the door because he doesn't want to be here if I don't want him. We've discussed this before. And I didn't find my divorces so traumatic.

The cheating on me, yes, but not the divorce itself, I was glad to be rid of them. One a drug addict and the other a lazy man who was cruel to my son and made me feel like I was nothing; yes,I was glad to get rid of him. You made a point of telling me how difficult it would be to find a man and that they want younger women, but God would send me a man if it was his will so I'm not worried about that.

As for seeing things that aren't there, that isn't true at all. I saw him m as i've said many times and while I'm not sure when he does it, I know that he does and I do have a reason to divorce him as far as I'm concerned. Satisfying himself sexually is the same as cheating on me, he's getting it somewhere else and God has specific rules on how a husband is to treat his wife and he is not doing those things.

You mentioned promises I've made to this man? What about the promises he made me, to love and cherish me? He can't even talk about money he gets from his attorney, this is not even like a marriage. It's like I'm his girlfriend and he doesn't have to share anything with me. He has done something to break the marriage vows.

He has stopped being a husband to me. There is no marriage bed, he is denying me the right that God says I have. If he has ed, then he should care enough about me to go do something about it instead of just assuming I will get used to no sex. Does he even know me? He knows better than that.

And how can I stop thinking about what he doesn't do when I go to bed alone every night and wonder if he's in there jerking off? My words are crude but its the truth. And what's he thinking about when he's doing it? If he's thinking about anyone other than me then that is adultery because in the Bible it says if you are thinking about it, its the same as doing it.

You might stay with your husband even if he cheated on you, but I wouldn't. How could you do that? Every time he went to bed with you you would be wondering if he was thinking about some other woman? Where is your pride? YOu are saying he can do whatever he wants but because you hate divorce and what you went through, you would rather him demean you.

God doesn't want that for us. We are children of God and deserve to be treating in the proper way and I am not being treated right. He is not obeying God and I'm not surprised with his catholic mentality. Even catholics wouldn't agree with this. How can you tell me to just put up with anything he wants to dish out?

Now, he isn't a bad man in any way but just self centered. He expects me to do all the things a wife does but he isn't doing what a husband is supposed to do. I can't live the rest of my life hoping for a change in him because he doesn't have to listen to God and I can't live in a fairy tale. The time for me to do something is now.

If a few years go by and this hasn't changed then I will regret not doing anything. What 1aokgal said is true, its the finances that are the problem and I can't go anywhere at this time, but it isn't like I'm sitting around planning my escape and all the men I will meet.

I'm still doing my best in this relationship even though he continues to treat me this way. If this had happened five years ago before I got closer to God, I would have left so fast his head would spin and that's what he deserves now and back then I wouldn't have thought of the consequences either, I would have left and only come back for my things.

Two things are holding me back from doing this and every instinct I have is telling me to get out. The first thing and its the more important of the two is that I have loved him for a long time and we get along together pretty well and I would miss him if I left him. He is very difficult to live with but he tries to make sure I am okay and have money.

He can be so kind and even romantic at times and he can also be a jerk and upset me very much. He used to at least try to make love to me although it wasn't that often. Now he doesn't try. He is breaking my heart because I know eventually my love for him will leave because if there is distance between us now, think what it will be like in a few years.

The second reason is because I can't support myself. I can go to my friends or my moms but I'm used to my own home with my things and because I don't want to lose those things, I have stayed here even when its been unbearable and these days aren't the unbearable times I'm talking about.

I need to just leave him, if only for a few days, and he would worry and get upset and be mad and we would fight when I came back and I would get my point across but at what cost? I'm not playing games with him like i would have done before.

God told me today to 'just trust him'. I was taking a walk and telling him that he wasn't doing anything or showing me anything or telling me anything and I felt so lost and confused and he said, "Just trust me." and that was it. I have to trust him. He could be working on my h and I don't know or he could have someone better for me.

I don't know but I'm not making a move until I am sure that this is what God wants and don't tell me what God wants because you don't know. You will probably say God doesn't want any marriage to end and this and that, but maybe it wasn't God's will for us to get married. Maybe I made a mistake marrying someone who spent a lot of time in bars.

I thought God brought us together but I'm beginning to wonder. You don't have to worry about people telling me what to do about this. My children want me to be happy and if I am not happen then they will encourage me to leave. My mother will as well and she is a very strong christian But its what I want that counts, what I can live with.

I can stand by him during a trying time, but I can't accept that we will never make love again as God has intended. He insults me by preferring to m and I'm not even sure of the reason anymore. I thought it was ed but it could be anything and his years of drinking could be at fault too. Alcohol can affect your thinking process and perhaps its all caught up to him.

I don't know, all I know if that time is wasting and we could have a beautiful marriage but because of his issues we are growing apart instead. I don't care that he has a po box and I don't care that he does his laundry elsewhere and I don't care if he watches tv all the time. I do care that he thinks I will put up with anything because I love him.

Love isn't something you say, its something you do.
 
Old 20th August 2011, 05:36 AM   #25
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness,

I know you are broken hearted about your marriage today. There is no hell worse than to love a man who has built a wall between and you can't reach him. I understand your pain and hear the anger you feel to be treated as a roomate, less the conversation. It is unforgiveable a man would treat his wife with such neglect.

I told my husband years ago if he wanted another woman he should find one...more power to him. If he wants a woman for sex when overseas, he should just keep his mouth shut and have at it. If he wants a divorce, then pack a bag and get out, as this is my house so he goes, not I. So I was willing to let him have what he wanted. I wasn't going to beg him for charity sex when he shut down on me years ago. The sting of rejection is a poison in the veins. I wanted to know why he chose to live in such an abnormal way, then tell me in the next breath how much he loves me. I learned what I believe is the truth of it pretty much as you have.

One thing I felt was my h. was pretty darned stupid as he was unlikely to find a woman who brought more intelligence or decency into the marriage than I have. There are few women who will go out and hold down two jobs or one who has talent and is committed to bring prosperity to a marriage. He told me always he hit the lottery to find a talented woman like me. I have loved him when he had nothing and few prospects. He always had my respect and love. In a sense, all that loyalty gained me nothing. This isolation of spirit will age a wife, who gives up her life as woman, before her time. While I share my life with the man I love, and he is a model for devoted affection, it is a celebate marriage.

It would be a shame if Baroness spends the next 18 years in a marriage like mine, where sex no longer exists, and affection is a hug and sweet words passing in the hallway. True, I made a gamble on this man who always said he loves me, that he would alter this pattern. He did not. When he is away overseas, he daily sends me loving messages. While he is home he is a dedicated and kind husband. We just don't share a bedroom. We get along great and have an easy relationship. He likes to cook and does nice things for me. There was a time I could have just said..now it's enough. I would have made it just fine financially. I am sure at that time I would have found another man. He devastated the life we shared together.

Baroness should do everything possible to get answers from this man.
Just as he services himself, he shuts her out with no regard for her feelings or needs. Believe me when I say I know what she is going through, because there were times I had to ask God to remove my anger. There were moments when I wished ants would eat out his brain! This m is a pattern that some men share who are especially vulnerable. I read it is a relationship problem when a man withdraws into himself. It is a also lousy addiction from all I read through the years, difficult to treat even with extensive counselling. That husband of hers is happy with himself. My husband went to counselling for while, which altered nothing. There was a better chance for me to fly, than that he would change.

Baroness, I hope you scream, yell and swear at this man and shake him to the core that you won't put up with what is going on there. The money problems you have will all work out, but that pattern going on there will be unlikely to change without a major shakeup. It seems he is pretty set and he realizes you know about it. I bet my bottom dollar that happened in his last marriage or other relationships. This habit doesn't start in middle age, it starts when they grow an organ.

For me, I am fine. I survived. I made the right decision for me. If I were to live this all again from the beginning again, perhaps I am not sure I could live again with that much heartache. I was broken in a thousand pieces for loving him.

I knew he has meant everything to me. I gave my husband a bible at the beginning of our time together, right before we married. I underlined for him MY promise to HIM from that beautiful story of the widow, Ruth 1:16-17.

16 And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God:

17 Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.

I could never stop loving him or ever want to be somewhere else. I have forgiven him everything.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 20th August 2011 at 06:22 AM.
 
Old 20th August 2011, 08:36 AM   #26
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness I would also recommend that you join a fellowship group at your church, and also a womens group if you can. You need to be around other believers who can support you, pray for you and encourage you and build up your faith and belief that things can get better and that this marriage can thrive.
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Old 20th August 2011, 09:21 AM   #27
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

baroness

You did change a bit which is good. You used to get very defensive when our observations are given to you out of care (not to harm you) and you expressed dislike in what some of us said but now you are saying these things as your own. You decided to own up some of the things which are difficult to keep denying in your heart. So you have actually listened and now you are accepting things without denial and quite naturally.

I would have said, "why don't you live on your own" a long time ago but I did not say this before because you do sometimes get defensive when someone suggests something. It sometimes irritates you. So I hadn't, until now..Now I see you changed your tune a bit. You are seeing your situation far more realistically. You used to tell me "I trust my husband so I don't need to know etc etc etc...!" But now, you want to know the truth. I think you are far more honest and accepting in the past couple of posts. You have better self-esteem.

B's issues are to do with social issues, his lifestyle not in sync with a marriage. Loss of employment (B). H on social security. His behaviour is that of a Bachelor's. Social deprivation and only recently, B realized that she can access health care. We are talking about someone who's in desperate need here. She worries about becoming homeless.

What on earth is he doing "up in canyon" all day in weekdays. I had thought he must have been doing something to earn his living. Now you have some disability to cope with, osteoathritis in the spine is no fun. I know someone with one and it is hell. As much as I can see how creative work would help for B, not sure if it's wise to focus on that too much right now, whilst the "house is burning down". Also, be careful not to over-strain yourself, people with some genetic predisposition to osteoarthritis could develop other joint/tendon/nerves etc diseases with manual repetitive strains, it creates strain cumulative effects over years. You might end up with another disability unless you take things easy.

This is no ordinary marriage middle class people have. There is an element of stark neglect and abuse (e.g. his "bad mouthing", his foul temper).

I suggest to find out what options are open to you e.g Housing, social security etc. Get out and move on from this. You are not old. 55 years old is like 44 used to be. You are full of energy still. Who can force her to live in misery which she has tried to get out of? He's not in to her (that's what B's complain re. his "M" is about) Set up a small place where you can do things without stress and worries.

One thing. You seem to have over-reliance on men for your happiness and a course of validation of your attractiveness as a female. That is a formula for a disaster once a honeymoon period is over and you are not a spring chicken. That's why I place God FIRST where my heart belongs. All the worldly nonsense suddenly becomes far more insignificant.

Sex is another for you. It's good if you have it going but if that's the only thing good about your marriage and once it's gone, everything falls apart, does that mean to say, "something is not right", don't you think?

I think you are making a huge progress in this. Well done, 1aokgal too! xxxxx
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Old 20th August 2011, 02:54 PM   #28
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness,
Your husband is a retired sixty-five year old man. That canyon is the only thing that makes him feel as if he were not in a convalescent home. Being cooped up in a tiny one bedroom apartment does not sit well with men. Mosr men have a garage or yards to putter in...he has neither.

I imagine he feels like a dog at the pound and this, plus TV, is his only link to male sanity. Women are different that way...we are wired to be care takers, men are wired to be workers. He may always be this way, because there is nothing left for him unless he decides he has had enough and tries at 65 years old to get a paying job. This has nothing to do with you as a woman or person...he will be this way with or without you.

You suprised me when you said that you wrote romance novels. I can now see why your expectations are so high in the sexual department. Well, he is an old man now (goog looking to you, but old none the less), losing his ability to keep an erection, and depressed enough with his enviroment and failures in life to not even care. He has made all the adjustments that he could, by not hanging every night at the bar, and the TV is his substitute for that...this he did for you because he is a married man now.

If he mb's it is because he still needs the release, but cannot sustain an erection suitable for intercourse. Try not to take it so personal???

I am now off to Mexico for tons of dental work. Will be back in six days.

Take care and God Bless you.

Last edited by Forever; 20th August 2011 at 03:03 PM.
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Old 20th August 2011, 03:03 PM   #29
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I believe that reading romance novels(and I guess writing them as well)can be the female equivalent of men looking at porn. Both lead to discontentment with our spouse or partner and both are fantasy. No man can live up to the hero in a romance novel(who isnt real anyway) and no women can live up to the 25 year old girl who pretends to be widly erotic and desperate for sex, in a porn film.
My husbands ex loved historical romance films, and made him watch them with her, presumably in the hope that he may become like the effimimate hero's in them. and become what she thought she wanted. He hated them, and fortunately I hate them as well and dont make him watch anything.
Forever makes some pretty good points actually.
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Old 20th August 2011, 04:17 PM   #30
1aokgal
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Baronness

Chamomile...

You always make astute observations and are concise to categorize the ongoing problems. You have a scientific mindset as you are so rational.
Your clear thinking and fairness is fresh air here, where religious extremism loses touch with truth, that all marriages aren't meant to survive.

I don't see this marriage as ever being a "regular folks" kind of marriage. Like you, I think if this guy has got enough juice left to go work free up the canyon, than he should work a shift at McDonalds', 7-11, or other employer that routinely hires senior workers. His "good old boy" outlook likes the the outdoors, while he works free to escape the house. He put no plan in place for his retirement years and changing marital beds cleaned him out before Baroness arrived on the scene. He can't be depended on to keep the lights paid now because, without her half income from the job B had, he can't keep the roof overhead.

He needed a woman like B, who asked few questions and accepted him when they hung out at the bars. He was a charming companion when lit! The fact is, he has isolated her and brow beats her now, because she is not emoloyed. He could get help for the ED but he doesn't care enough to do that and lives just for himself. B was willing to cook and wait on him and hold a job which brought half the income into the house before job loss. How handy was that! She was also quick to defend him if anyone questioned why she did these things.

Now he is verbally abusive when he pokes his head out from the TV. His personality is much in common with drinkers, with a narcissistic mean streak. A day in this hostile environment is not going to provide a usable errection or even some friendly affection. It is no wonder B wishes she were elsewhere. Personally, I wonder if he has personality changes consistent with possible early dementia. His moods are marose, changeable and irritable. She also reports he doesn't have a lot of recall about simple things.

A flow of side income from B (with her crafts) would help, but there needs to be some major income alterations in that household for these two to survive. If he folds from a one bedroom apartment to live on a puny social security check, I doubt they will survive anywhere. I think sex is not the important issue now, it is the need for both to find a dependable other income. As long as they do live together, it would be nice if he acknowledged her presence.

Baroness is a nice lady who may have chosen the wrong man at the wrong time in her life. They need a lot of intervention to survive the econemy and each other. I hope she knows we all want her happiness and pray for her.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 20th August 2011 at 04:29 PM.
 
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