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Old 26th August 2011, 03:32 AM   #61
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness..

You posted that I could not forgive you for your postings? I have no reason to hold anything against you concerning your posts! Why would you say that? Rather I posted about the maybe "too in depth postings" that I felt were depressing to some here. It seemed we got off track to discuss the subject and how we could make progress in our marriages. Instead the forum got bogged down in the description of "he said this, he said that" and the response by others to help was misunderstood by you. If I hurt your feelings, that was my fault.

You were quick to take offense to those who responded to your description of things that happened when you shared these events yourself with others here. You said they criticized...when you had been the one who talked about these things. So any feedback was not accepted gracefully on your part.

We are problem solvers.....or at least, we believe we are problem solvers of most things. It is frustrating when we can't solve it, and we can't even get the reason why things happen. Everyone here wishes you happiness.

You said in your personal email to me this evening, that I am unforgiving person. I don't have a clue why you wrote this. I spent most of today at the art gallery with my grandaughter and I did not read your last post until late today. She met my artist friends and learned about their work and how they regard me. Later she described it as, "thanks for an incredible day." It made an impression on her to learn about their art and meet people who respect me for the work I do. She is excited that I want to help her with some art lessons. That feels wonderful to make a difference to another person.

Baroness, I think I made a small difference in your life too. It was to give you some creative direction when I suggested the hats and told you how they are successful for some and fun to make. It has helped you to look forward to something positive. It may continue to make some positive input financially for you. It also was my pleasure to share the creative stuff with you. We talked about things that brought us to this forum. I suggested you look at the good things in the marriage and not focus only on the problem area. I never said ,"forget about it" but to focus on other things. Not easy, but it can work.

Don't be so quick to believe the worst about others or to take suggestions as criticism. It is true that it is frustrating when you try to help a situation and it causes misunderstanding.

The thing you were most wrong about was you emailed me personally to say I never forgave my husband because I am an unforgiving person! You don't know me well enough to make that statement. I forgive you for having said something so silly.

Since I have been married 31 years and never considered divorce, I would say that is a record solid as a rock. Of course, my husband doesn't frequent bars, is an educated, moral person and is pretty easy to love. So there is no conflict. Perhaps one day you can say that about your marriage.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 26th August 2011 at 04:52 PM.
 
Old 26th August 2011, 04:27 AM   #62
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes, you made a difference, a positive one in that I have something creative to do. I said you were unforgiving because in your email to me it was clear that you can't forgive me for reacting to what you said and for not posting as you think I should. You seemed very upset because of other things you said.

I have no problems in this marriage other than the ed issue. We get along okay most of the time and I like to go to the nightclub with him every once in awhile because I am good friends with the owner. Now that I have discovered that I was thinking wrong about the marriage, I see no problems for us other than this. Of course life has its ups and downs but I see now that I was expecting him to be perfect as to what I think he should be.

I was taking every little thing he did and complaining about it because when you expect a man to be your dream come true, it just isn't going to happen. I was also dwelling too much of what has happened and reliving it when I should have just left it to God.

I make mistakes, we all do and the only thing I can do now is to learn from them and go on, and this I plan to do. As for what I said regarding your husband, I cannot discuss something that was said in a private email between us. I would consider that unethical. And I don't recall getting upset with anyone but chosen awhile ago and recently with you.

I get it already, the part about posting, I heard you and how long must we keep saying the same things? I understand what you are saying, okay? Anyway, things will be fine in my m. I needed to adjust the way I was thinking about things and I already prayed about it and I feel better.

There were certain things I didn't want to hear from people because I was hurt and I didn't want to think about his feelings. We are starting to communicate better and I just don't want any ill feelings from anyone on here. This post has helped me get to where I am now. I am not crazy and I'm not drinking and I don't have a split personality.

I was just very angry that he could do this to me. I don't accept change very well I guess. I am a strong woman and will rise above this. Do you blame me for getting a little crazy? My whole world felt as if it was falling apart. But I am more positive now, more like myself and I am grateful to everyone that has tried to help me. Even though I got upset at some of your wording in that post, it still got me to thinking about the way I see things in my marriage, and in turn, helped me realize that I was being unrealistic and was stuck in a depression that had me posting negative things all the time.

I also realized that I can't be offended just because someone is telling me something I don't want to hear or can't accept. I have taken all these things to God because he is the one who helped me see what I was doing to myself.

Last edited by Baroness; 26th August 2011 at 04:44 AM.
 
Old 26th August 2011, 05:05 AM   #63
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Baroness...

The only thing I can say to you after these postings is, "Don't assume you know how others think or feel." You said you thought I was unforgiving because......or that I was upset with you. I think things over before I respond to something, usually.
I was gone for the whole day so I didn't think about this forum at all.
Take things one day at a time and don't try to think for others. You might be wrong. You assumed you knew what I was thinking or how I felt. I had no reason to be upset about your posting.

You made the statement about my husband and made assumptions.
I never doubt my husband when he goes out the door as he is always dependable.
He doesn't drink or hang in bars. We boat, enjoy time together and he encourages my artwork.
My husband is an excellent provider so we are financially sound. He has always been concerned for my welfare.
You don't know my feelings from a few emails we exchanged.
To say I have never forgiven my husband was really out there. Pretty personal stuff.

I learned something from this situation too, "No good deed goes unpunished."
I'm glad I was able to offer something positive for you.

I got something too.
I won't try to "mother hen" someone again and I learned to keep my mouth shut.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 26th August 2011 at 09:42 AM.
 
Old 26th August 2011, 09:32 AM   #64
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness.
I always felt that your husband was a decent man,. and although I wasnt popular with you and others when I said so(and that is why I stayed away from this thread for a while) I felt so sad that the marriage may end over this recent problem.
I understand about defending your husband. I feel incredibly defensive if anyone says anything to or about my husband that is wrong or mean or untrue, because I know what a decent and good and godly man he is. Fortunately everyone that we know now likes and respects him highly, and my kids thinks he's great. Its just his ex and a few of her family and those who she lied to who did that. I cant blame them because they were told thinsg that werent true and distorted. We dont see them anyway so thats no problem.

Maybe your ideas about marriage were a bit romanticised? Maybe you were expecting some effimimate men(like in the historical romance films) to come and be your knight in shining armor? I dont know, but your husband is as he is, and although I believe that we can all change, we are only responsible for changing ourselves(with Gods help) and praying for those that we love and allowing God to work in them.

You are right about how important letting go of anger and resentment is, but as you know, it isnt easy to do. However it does eat us up inside, and does no one any good.

I truly believe that your marriage can be great, better than ever, if you let go of all of your own expectations and give it all to God. Again not easy to do but so helpful.

Last edited by chosen; 26th August 2011 at 09:38 AM.
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Old 26th August 2011, 09:39 AM   #65
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

This thread is starting to sound like a playground . With people only able to take one side or another instead of taking advice in the spirit it's offered.

Baroness I'm sorry if you feel you were being attacked , however if you react badly to advice offered from the heart then people will cease to post . You are then left with only one or two opinions from people .

I am now one of those people who will cease to post on your thread, I wish you nothing but the best as I have from the start . However if I can't post with honesty for fear of offending then I would rather not post at all.
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Old 26th August 2011, 10:18 AM   #66
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
Chamomile,

Well done for putting so succinctly what I was trying to say . You phrased it so much better than I can
Dear Helen

*Blush*!!

You're too kind & so thoughtful, Helen, as always. I appreciated your kind words xxxx

Enjoy your wonderful long weekend with your future h & your precious ones You deserve all the happiness as you are such a wonderful, caring lady.

Hugs xoxoxoxox
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Old 26th August 2011, 10:38 AM   #67
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post

Sunday, hurrican Irene is due to hit here with major force. It looks like that will be a sewing day inside. I live on the coastline, but inland enough to be fine.
Now life is pretty dull next to this! xxooxx
Hi 1aokgal xxx

Please do take good care of yourself and stay safe..my thoughts and prayers are with you as well as people and families in the storm's path, bracing themselves.

((((1aokgal)))))xxxxxx

Quoted from news:

With more than 50 million people potentially in Irene's path, residents stocked up on food and water and worked to secure homes, vehicles and boats. States, cities, ports, industries, oil refineries and nuclear plants scrambled to activate emergency plans.

"I filled my tank up with gas in case I need to leave in a hurry or something, and get a lot of food supplies, taking everything out of my yard ... anything that can fly into a window," said Patricia Stapleton of Newport, North Carolina.

Irene, a major Category 3 hurricane, lashed the low-lying Bahamas on Thursday and was expected to hit North Carolina on Saturday before heading up the coast to New York and beyond.
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Old 26th August 2011, 10:51 AM   #68
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

This is bizarre here. Most of have only wanted one thing, and that is to help. I am so glad that baronness is getting there and growing through this. If I feel I can help I will post, and if I feel I cant then I wont, regardless of what others say or do, or dont say or dont do. I dont usually take that much notice of what others say, but am more conerned by the person that needs help.

Last edited by chosen; 26th August 2011 at 11:04 AM.
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Old 26th August 2011, 04:27 PM   #69
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Chamomile..

How kind of you to be concerned. :-)

Yes, this hurrican by reports is due to be a monster storm. This is a coastline city so there is likely to be major flood damage in one nearby city that was hit hard hard last time. My daughter lives 10 minutes away and her street had water to the hip. People couldn't get in or out for several days. Her driveway has an incline so at least the house was dry.

My neighborhood has beautiful large trees. The sound of saws went for days as branches and trees were removed. We lost power for 5 days. Sure is a shock when everything we rely on is electric! We have bridges into this area and evacuation has begun for the lovely beach and canal area homes. My best friend has a luxery beach condo facing to sea here. I will invite her here as her house on stilts may get a bad hit. All this area homes built on the water may have damage as there is likely to be incredible high surf conditions. This is the negative of coastline cities.

Today is storm preparation with shopping, water to buy, and yard furniture to be stored and secured. I am a bit worried on this one! My daughter will work during the storm as our emergency people take such risks with downed lines and traffic lights dead.
The whole east coast is due for major hits.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 26th August 2011 at 04:50 PM.
 
Old 26th August 2011, 04:46 PM   #70
1aokgal
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Helen....

I have left the playground. It is too risky with the falling rocks.
 
Old 26th August 2011, 05:03 PM   #71
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Helen, I have at no time resented anything you said to me and in fact, I thought we had good words between us. I don't understand why you think I'm so defensive when it was only 1aokgal's post that I objected to. I went back and read the posts and everything seemed fine to me, everyone was helpful and I got no bad vibes from anyone.

1aokgal, seems like you are playing the martyr now because I objected to your harshness in your post. Don't I have a right to object or am I supposed to just say nothing like everyone else? I have told you many times that you have helped me in more than one way and I felt a connection with you, which is why I was so surprised at the things you say and mainly the way you said them.

We've already been over this many times and I've said I learned from it anyway and realized some things about myself and that I would try and not take it personally when someone says things that I think are inappropriate. I also admitted that you were right in that my posts were kind of depressing because I went back and read them, and also I was posting every little thing which I won't do anymore but I didn't realize I was doing anything wrong or incorrect at the time.

I do not wish to rehash this over and over again, saying the same things. Let's just set the record straight right now; I am sorry if anyone got offended by anything I did or said, but let the punishment fit the crime and lets not crucify me for not knowing exactly how to post. This has turned into a big deal and it shouldn't since I have already said I was wrong in a few of the postings.

I resent having to keep apologizing, it was an honest mistake.

Chosen, I thank you for trying to help me and caring enough to look beyond everything else to encourage me. I'm glad you understand about the sticking up for your husband part. However; if I hadn't revealed so much about him then people wouldn't have said what they did and not all of it was negative, so I guess I asked for that.

In reading my previous posts I saw that you told me a while back not to put expectations onto my h but to accept him the way he was. I was not ready to accept that advice at the time. My expectations didn't come from an image such as a hero in a movie or novel. I've always just known the way it should be between christian husband and wives.

I was raised my a christian woman and so my expectations came from what I was taught but I was judging him by what I think he should be like and I can't do that because a marriage is accepting the flaws in each other and loving them anyway. I have accepted a lot of hurt caused by him in the past and I was hanging on to all those memories.

I am trying to live in the moment now and put the past where it goes, in the past. This has been a hard lesson to learn and it isn't easy to forget wrongs that have been done to you but if Jesus can forgive us for things we've done then I should be able to do the same. I have a bit of a perfectionist in me and that's why I was frustrated that he wasn't handling things the way he should.

To me there is a right and wrong way to do and say things and there is no in between but perhaps I should change the way I see things regarding that too. To me everything has always been black and white with no gray areas and when this ed happened and he wouldn't admit it or even try to bring us physically together, that fell in the 'wrong and black' area and it frustrated me.

I guess the same thing happened when I read 1aokgals post a few days back, that was also in that category and I realize I can't react to everything in life with those standards, at least not in this relationship. I have realized that now. It was my own standards that set my expectations of him in motion and there was no way this could have worked out okay.

We can't always have it the way we want and people do not always react the way we want and they definitely don't say the things we would want them to say. Others may think I have been presumptuous from things I've said but I had a reason for thinking and saying them. Now I want to go forward with God's help to a life that can be happy.

I just had to get myself out of the way first. My whole attitude has changed since I've been posting on here and I have gotten so much closer to God that I never want to go back to the way it was. Trials will come, whether it be from something someone has said or done, but it is like a purification process.

If you pass this test then you have achieved something, if you don't you will have to pass it some time in the future because this is God's way of molding you into what he wants you to be. My way of thinking about my man was wrong, as was my constant complaining, even if it was to myself mostly. God wanted to weed this out of me and in the long run I think it will make me a better person.

I have no expectations that life will just be peaches and cream from now on. I know that things will happen that will upset me and I know I will still have days where he frustrates me, but I need to just turn all of my burdens over to God instead of getting upset and lashing out and telling myself that I don't have to put up with this, I can just leave him.

You do encourage me, Chosen. What you have said to me is mostly all scripture and you have some very good points and so did Forever in her last post. It was because of what she said about my h that I started thinking differently. It isn't good to just be satisfied with the way you are and refuse to budge. To think you are right and everyone else is wrong.

Fortunately I can change things about my life and the way I think while others don't want to change because they think they are right and they refuse to see anything else. I think my h is a little like this but I have seen God work in his life, speak to him and his mind was changed. I hope he is still open to God.

Its as if I was walking around with heavy armor on my back and I was just dragging it along, sometimes barely able to move forward, and then God came along and tried to remove it off my back but I wouldn't let him by my refusal to see that he could help me. Then it seemed to get heavier and heavier as storms came and then finally I looked up and said I wanted his will and he removed the heavy armor and not I am walking straight and the weight has lifted.

This is a happy ending I can claim and I can have it right now.
 
Old 26th August 2011, 08:09 PM   #72
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
Hi Helen....

I have left the playground. It is too risky with the falling rocks.
Its only a play ground if those in it make it so. I avoided this thead for a while because it was like an exclusive club and not a playground. Now apparently some of us are allowed back in who can maybe give a slightly different viewpoint? Thats progress anyway.

Baroness. The things you have said about God today are so encouraging, and show how much you have learnt through this all. God does use all the horrible times to draw us close to Him. Also remember that things can change, and God can change people and marriages. As you said look at Forever who has had to put up with so much from her husband, but has trusted God regardless, and God has done (and is doing) amazing things in their lives. She is a women with a very strong faith .I have seen the same in friends of mine, whose husbands have changed, and their marriage improved, through prayer and trusting God. It can take a lot of time and patience but it works.

Everyone else. Baroness has appologised for anything she did that may have upset you. Why not let it go?

Last edited by chosen; 26th August 2011 at 08:19 PM.
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Old 26th August 2011, 08:13 PM   #73
Helen_uk
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Actually I resent that chosen . I've always given a balanced opinion and I fail to see how a balanced view can be obtained if only one or two people are replying to a poster .

Last edited by Helen_uk; 26th August 2011 at 08:19 PM.
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Old 26th August 2011, 08:20 PM   #74
Helen_uk
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Baronness

Baroness,

I've only ever given you advice I'd take myself . I'm not a Christian so am unable to advise you from a Christian viewpoint , however I have always strived to talk to you as a friend .

Of late I've been quite unwell and haven't visited the boards as often as I previously did , I'm also disinclined to get involved in petty squabbles .

This is why I've decided to leave the thread . As I said previously I wish you well , and I mean that .
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Old 26th August 2011, 08:55 PM   #75
chosen
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

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Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
Actually I resent that chosen . I've always given a balanced opinion and I fail to see how a balanced view can be obtained if only one or two people are replying to a poster .
Helen I wasnt aware that you had posted here that much and wasnt thinking of you when I said that only 2 others were regularly posting.

However, I agree and that was my point. It had got to the point where generally only 2 others were posting. I think its always better to have several opinions and ideas.

Last edited by chosen; 27th August 2011 at 10:16 AM.
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