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Old 28th December 2012, 09:24 PM   #16
sonia
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Re: thinking of separation

Thanks for the replies forever and crush... I am planning on ending it as soon as possible. And I do hope it is sooner than later!

I talked to him today about a few things and the way he treats me. I called him when he was at his mother's during the day and he talked to me very rudely on the phone. So my starting point was of course the way he talked. His response was "you always call me when I am at my mother's and want to know when I will be home. You dont do it when I am anywhere else". I was so shocked when he said that because I always tend to text or call him atleast once when he is out for a few hours. I have no problem with him going to his mother's, and he knows it very well. When I clarified that, he said that I only ask him things like when he will be home etc and he doesnt like that and his mum can hear us too. The only reason I ask these things is because most of the time he goes over to his mum's without telling me, So when he is late in coming home, I would call and ask when he will be back home and it has nothing to do with wherever he is to be honest.

I didnt even get a chance to talk to him about other issues as he started telling me that he gets disturbed from me when he is in the middle of something. He said that I only talk to him when I have nothing else to do. So instead of realising that I am making an effort to start some communications, he is complaining about me disturbing him when he is in the middle of watching something.

I know that he watch porn a lot. and it has been going on for years. I raised it as an issue a few times and he said that he will stop, but he didnt. Then he said that it didnt mean a thing to him and he just watch it like anything else. I really cant be bothered anymore because making him do something or change something for me is next to impossible! and I have spent a lot of time trying to sort out these issues.

All I wanted was to have a decent chat with him and he was not willing to listen to any of the things i wanted to say. So I just finished the conversation!
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Old 28th December 2012, 10:00 PM   #17
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

Hurry! Lock the door! Sorry, I could not resist.
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Old 28th December 2012, 11:47 PM   #18
sonia
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Re: thinking of separation

lolz....wish I had done that!!
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Old 30th December 2012, 06:21 AM   #19
rob1984
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Re: thinking of separation

well after reading everything this kind of scared me, as i said i was neglecting my wife and so on and possibly leading to the same path as him.. as my dad was not really respectful to my mom and never included her in the decision making process, and such. I was far to young to realize all of this at the time, but I will say this.. you must leave. you must have no regrets or pitty on him.. he is simply a loser. If i were like him I would want my wife to leave me cause she obviously deserves someone better and as do YOU. Be smart about it, look after your self and just go. Do not tell him where and file for divorce. I would even leave some things behind and take what you can laptop clothes and important documents. YOu deserve better and you will.. Who knows maybe you will bump in to a sexy muscle, ripped abs smoking sexy chested respectful intelligent super man.. sorry, as i was typing i was looking in the mirror.... haha jk okay hope you catch my drift you deserve better. Good Luck Sonia
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Old 31st December 2012, 04:26 PM   #20
sonia
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Re: thinking of separation

Thankyou all for taking time to reply and helping me in clearing up my mind....

Communication has always been an issue in my marriage. In the beginning, it was good and he was always there for me when I needed to talk to him. But then he grew distant and will always moan if I want some time from him. Now this has come to a point where he refuses to talk and tells me that I shall talk to him some other time!

The second major issue is his thinking that I will not leave him and that's mainly the reason why he locked me out and treated me this way. Its partly my fault as a few months ago, we had an issue. I asked him to help me cook something which he wanted in the first place and he refused. When I confronted him, he told me that he has been good to me all these years and if I look around in his family and my family, I will not find someone as supportive as him. He said that he doesn't deserve to be treated this way if he refuse to help in kitchen. He said that he want things to be divided in half and I shall move to the second bedroom. I take responsibility for half the expenses and he will cook for half of the week and we live like room mates. I refused and told him that I would rather leave than live like this with him. It was a shock for me to hear him say that he want a trial separation. Then I know that he will struggle with finances because of the way his part-time job is. Now I truly regret saying no at that point but of course these two incidents happened later on and I can see his behaviour going downhill after that conversation.

I sure want to leave but I don't want to end things without him knowing how I feel. I will talk to him first but this time I will tell him that if he doesn't want to talk, then its over between us. I cant keep it all to myself . He should know what is going on and maybe he will try to change. I don't have high hopes and I certainly don't know how he will react. He cant stop me from work as he will be putting the house and everything else at stake and he is not stupid to do that. He may make my life harder but it already is hard enough, so I don't care. It may make me stronger in getting out of this marriage later.
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Old 31st December 2012, 08:19 PM   #21
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

Um Sonia, he is supposed to REMAIN good to you throughout the entire marriage...until death. Just because he was good to you while you got an education, does not mean that the buck should stop right there. You are working full time and then some, he is sitting on his ass watching porn, mbing, and shutting you out...then he has the gall to blame-shift any needs you have for a normal marriage onto your one "mistake" of asking for help?

Pffft.
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Old 1st January 2013, 12:22 AM   #22
sonia
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Re: thinking of separation

Hi All

Thanks a lot for taking time to reply and help me in making sense of what is going on...

I spoke to him today about the issues I am facing and with regards to housework, he said that he will help but he will not learn to cook. According to him, he doesnt fancy cooking and will help in the kitchen with other things. It has happened a few times in the past too so I am not sure if he will actually do it or not.

Then I spoke to him about locking me outside and he clearly feels that he was right in doing so as according to him "you crossed the red line there and I had to do something about it". He thinks that I should have considered what he wanted and since I refused and proceeded with what I wanted, he felt he had to FIX things. He did say that he will stop expecting me to ask him about everyday things once he feels that I will consider his views important in the future but right now, he doesnt think that it is wrong in any way.

When I discussed his attitude when I went to night out with people from school, he did say that he over reacted and shouldnt have done some of the things but he still thought that making dinner was not a big thing especially when I took time to go out for dinner with my colleagues and was out the whole day too.

The major issue that popped up was how he is in the bedroom. Satisfying a woman is a turn off for him and he has always been this way and he admitted that he just cant change this. He said that 95% of the women in the world dont get satisfied so it is not big deal. I am totally shocked after he has said that and everything else that I wanted to talk to him about just slipped my mind...I just didnt know what to say after that!
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Old 1st January 2013, 01:29 AM   #23
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

Well then, just ask him if you may have his permission to MB or to get a nice dildo...maybe a little bit larger than what he has to offer since he wants to keep satisfaction for himself...maybe a few spares for variety as he seems to enjoy with his porn viewing. Where did he get his "expert statistics" on women's satisfaction in the bedroom from? Porn sights? Beg your pardon, but most men aim to please their wives...their ego depends on being able to do so.

As far as him locking you out simply because you did not receive permission...let him know that it works both ways. That you could have locked HIM out when he took off to his mothers the other night without YOUR permission...let alone telling you first. See what he has to say about his double standards...and tell him that he would be wise to get your approval and notify you when he goes out or the same thing will happen to him. Remind him that it is YOUR house too and if he EVER does that to you again that you will have the locks rekeyed and he will have to break windows to let himself inside.

You spend your spare time doing laundry, cleaning, and preparing meals for him on your "day off"?...When you get home you are tired...why does he think to punish you for being tired when you had ALREADY prepared meals for those occasions ahead of time? Tell him that you will no longer be able wash his laundry...you are trying to conserve energy since you are the one who is working full time, and that you dont mind the idea of living in a pig sty anymore either if he is not going to do HALF of everything in a timely manner...that he does very little compared to what you are doing to maintain his comfort. Use sweet words, but get the point across...OR just do not do anything other than what you need to do for yourself...he will get the message sooner or later when he runs out of underwear.

Tell him that he is not your FATHER...he is supposed to love you as he does himself...that includes your satisfaction and helping you when you are tired whatever the reasons are. You are trying to maintain the household...what is he doing to contribute to your well being?

Last edited by Forever; 1st January 2013 at 08:32 AM.
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Old 1st January 2013, 03:58 AM   #24
1aokgal
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Re: thinking of separation

Hi Sonia...


Stop preparing meals for him. Make your meals and sit down and eat. Let him sputter. You can always stop and eat somewhere before you get home. Tell him that you aren't hungry, you already had dinner. Guess that leaves him to his own devices. He will learn to cook pretty fast!

I wouldn't argue about these issues or get defensive. Just make other plans. He solves his own sexual needs..so that is having a meal "out" as they say.
Forever..You are priceless!! HAHAHA.
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Old 1st January 2013, 04:39 AM   #25
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

Yes, or you can even load up the cupboards with some Captain Crunch cereal if you get to feeling sorry for him...there are two flavors to choose from, plain for breakfast and lunch... and the ones with the crunch berries which will satisfy his need for desert at dinner time. If you feel up to it, ask him if he would like whole milk with them or low fat. When he becomes outraged, tell him that you were not born knowing how to cook EITHER and maybe dont like doing it EITHER, especially having to cook a whole weeks worth of them on your day off or when you are so tired from working...so suggest that he get some practice until he can learn to put out a meal at least as good as the ones he "used to get" from you.

Also stock up the fridge with a great beer designed to take the "edge" off of his upcoming troubles: "Arrogant Bastard" ...no kidding, it is a full bodied beer that says right on the bottle that it is not for "Sissies".

Tell him that separate bedrooms and half the expenses sounds really peachy to you...that he is no good in the bedroom anyway...then go buy him his own "Angry Birds" blanket found in any childrens department store...and take the one that is on your bed to the other room. You will save plenty of money not having to pay for his half of food and bills...enough for finding better living arrangements for yourself while waiting for the house to sell.

Well, that's what I would do...but I would not be trying to save THAT kind of marriage in the first place...I am old and know better than to put up with this kind of treatment from the get go.

Seriously though, if this were not so tragic, it would be funny...I could have a ton of fun driving him insane and meeting his proposterous ideas of "love" and control with a few ideas of my own.

Last edited by Forever; 1st January 2013 at 07:42 AM.
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Old 1st January 2013, 01:46 PM   #26
Raymond
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Re: thinking of separation

Seems like he came into the marriage already a porn addict. That is a form of mental adultery in itself. No wonder he doesn't bother to satisfy you Sonia as he is full of others women's bodies. Basically it seems like he was detached from the beginning. Sex is extremely important in my book. Get that wrong and the whole marriage suffers. I would say that sex has helped soften me emotionally to my wife. Having grown up isolated as an orphan I craved the intimacy of love that I didn't have. That desire had led me slightly astray and it could have got worse without coming to God. Purity will enrich a marriage but porn is one of the things that desecrate it.

He seems to see what your duties are but not his own. I agree he is controlling and manipulating. This is the opposite of love in effect, but maybe the porn has a lot to do with this as Forever pointed out.

As Forever also pointed out, satisfying one's wife is extremely important. Who wants to have sex on their own? Her pleasure is as important as mine.
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Old 1st January 2013, 04:25 PM   #27
Helen_uk
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Re: thinking of separation

Sonia,

You are his wife, not a child, not his chattel , his WIFE . He is treating you like a naughty child who needs to ask for permission to have a life.

That isn't fair or just and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

I think perhaps you need to consider laying down a few rules of your own. Such as insisting he treats you with the respect you deserve and he takes your feelings into account .

If he can't / won't do that then you have a tough decision to make.
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Old 1st January 2013, 08:37 PM   #28
sonia
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Re: thinking of separation

He is clearly refusing to listen to anything I have to say. He considers himself a very sensible person and told me that he knows best.... How can I make him understand my perspective on things when he is so stubborn to stop and listen. He has lots of time to explain humna nature to me but he doesnt have time to see that our relationship is falling apart....

He warned me that if I insist the he shall satisfy me in bed, he is sure that he will lose his interest in me in a few years time and if that happens, it will be entirely my fault as I made him do things that he didnt want to do....

I just have to focus on getting a job and sort my stuff for any bad time because I dont think I can spend the rest of my life with him.... he is too selfish to change and I dont have the stamina to argue with him as he clearly tells me on my face that he knows more than me!
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Old 1st January 2013, 10:55 PM   #29
Forever
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Re: thinking of separation

No point then trying to reason/argue with him. Just start taking steps to secure your future being independent of him. In the meantime, do only what you have the energy to do, and do nothing that you feel is unreasonable.

I would forget about trying to get any sexual satisfaction from a man like that. Since you are "violating" his conscience to ask for your needs to be met...dont have any...just lay there like a dead fish and tell him to "get it over with". Set one of those kitchen timer clocks for 60 seconds and tell him that he'd better be good and horney cuz when time is up, you are leaving the room.

Last edited by Forever; 2nd January 2013 at 03:28 AM.
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Old 2nd January 2013, 05:43 AM   #30
1aokgal
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Re: thinking of separation

Sonia...

We try to keep advise here on the Christian forum within scope of things that will help a person who feels overwhelmed and hopeless about a marriage. The things going on in your marriage shows he has tuned you out and whatever brought you together originally may now be beyond repair. Do you still love this man?

Marriages can survive a sexual disconnect, so long as there is quality and caring in other areas of the marriage. The fact is, there seems disconnect in every area. This is a selfish man who meets his own needs and acts as if everything should revolve around his comfort. I would not cook nor wait on this man and let him find out the room service is over. Maybe he will realize how much the marriage is damaged and attempt some communication that isn't about him telling you what to do.
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