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Old 24th January 2013, 08:17 PM   #1
Affraid23
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My husband has left me, what do i do?

Hi,

So this is my first time posting on here and i am looking for a bit of guidance or support or even someone to talk to who knows what im going through.

Where do i start? I have been with my husband 6 1/2 years, we were engaged for 2 1/2 of those and have been married just 7 months. We have both just turned 24 and have 'grown' into adults during our time together. We have always been so happy and very early on in our relationship discussed marriage and children as our future. However my husband always wanted these sooner than me, i had a career mind but being with him and knowing how much he wanted these things made me happy to change my timeframe on my life plan. As our relationship progressed we became inseperable, even during the time that i moved away to go to university i came home or he came to see me as much as possible.

After finishing university we moved in together, renting at first but last year we took out a mortgage on our first home. A few months later we married in a large church wedding that truely was the most amazing day. My husband gushed about his love for me in his speech, sheading more than a few tears, which cemented in everybody's minds how much we truely were made for each other. In the months that followed we settled into our new home and even welcomed a dog into our 'family' as we both decided we were not yet ready for children (despite the fact that my husband had always wanted children as soon as possible, but wih the new house and recent career changes we just werent in a position to do this).

A few months into our marriage my husband became unsettled in his job once more and changed career path. We were both over the moon because he was going into a profession which he had always wanted to go into. However this turned out to be a vey bad decision and appeared to make him even more unsettled. During this time i had begun to feel low myself due to repeated unsuccessful attempt at promotion in my career. During this time the intimacy in our relationship suffered. But i was still happy in our relationship, despite some of my other relationships becoming strained, and our marriage was the only thing that cheered me up. I am not an idiot i mnew hings werent hunky dorey but relationships are never a bed of roses all of the time, even ours. I hough once we sorted our work situations out we would get back to 'us' and be back on track.

My husband started to go out more wih friends, someimes at short notice but as we were entering the festive period i didnt think much of it. Then BANG! A couple of days after christmas my world came crashing down. My husband came home from work and told me we needed to talk. He told me he was no longer happy and that we were the problem. He told me that he wasnt sure if he wanted our life together anymore. I was floored, i knew things werent perfect but i never thought it would get to this.

The following day i tried to talk to him but he couldnt tell me anything that was going on in his head because he didnt know. I packed a bag and went to my parents hoping that the space would hell him to think. The following day he contacted me to say that he wanted to talk. He knew we could get through this we just needed to get our spark back. I was overjoyed. When i came home he just wanted to brush it under the carpet but we talked and we agreed what we both needed to do in order to make it work.

The next couple of weeks were difficult but things seemed to be gettin better and i felt that we were gtting stronger and getting iur connection back to where it should be. We saw in the new year together and it felt right. Then last week he left his phone unattended and as it had been a while since he had left it unattended i got a sudden urge to check it. Nothing could have prepared me for messages to another woman telling her that he had feelings for her, feelings that he shouldnt have for someone who isnt his wife but does. I immediately confronted him. This led to him informing me that he didnt love her nor did he want to be with her but that she had been a catalyst in him deciding that he no longer wanted the life we had built together. He wanted to be on his own. After a long discussion, interrupted by him leaving to go to work, we came to the conclusion that we had to seperate. He packed a bag and went to his parents. I was crushed and spent the week with family and friends comforting me. Then after 4 days of no contact he asked if he could pop round. When he arrived all my hopes i had that he had missed me so much that he had changed his mind were destroyed when informed me that he was there to pick up some more things and that he was happy with his decision and had only missed me a little bit. He informed me that he did not want to be with me anymore and our life is not what he wants anymore. He told me that he had made up his mind that he wanted a divore well over a month ago, before christmas and had only come back last time because he didnt want me to be hurt so he told me what i needed to hear. He then left and ive heard nothing from him since, nothing for a week.

I am so broken. I dont understand what went sk wrong or and how his feelings could have changed so much in such a short space of time. He is throwing away our whole lives together over a few months of toughness. I know i need to accept it and pick myself up but i dont know how! I cannot imagine my life without him. For my whole adult life i have been a part of a couple, that couple, and i dont know how to be on my own, ignoring the fact that i dont want to be. What do i do?! Please help me because i am so lost and do not see myself ever being happy or able to trust again, whether with or without him. I am so embarressed and broken.
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Old 24th January 2013, 08:49 PM   #2
Forever
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

This is what Hell is made of, but luckily it wont hurt you forever. I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. An affair or even an infatuation with a third party always always results in the death of love...even if it is just fantasy infatuations like Porn.

Let me ask you something...is this the type of man whom you would want to trust have a family with? Is his propensity to flirt and cool his feelings for you when you hit a few bumps in the marriage going to give your life ANY peace and security in the longer haul looking forward?

THINK Dear one. If you were my own daughter, I would find a way to try and tell her that better now than when you became pregnant or had several children already. It amazes me how cold and heartless a spouse can become once they get tempted...and if he is tempted once, and concealing his true feelings just to appease your pain, how will you know if and when he will repeat this over and over again even if you two do manage to get back together?

There is no magic formula for stopping THIS kind of pain...you have to go through it day by day, hour by hour until you cannot cry anymore. A broken heart only heals with time...lots of time and lots of tears.
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Old 24th January 2013, 09:25 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

This is so very hard and painful, but I do agree with Forever in that a man who cannot be faithful after only a few months of marriage, isnt going to be faithful later on either. He claims that it isnt because of this OW but I suspect that it is. Thank God that you have no children whose lives will suffer because of him. In time you will look on it as a lucky escape.

Many men in their early 20's just arent mature enough to cope with the ups and downs of marriage or a serious relationship, and he certainly isnt.

You will trust again, you are very young. Many of us here have been betrayed and deeply hurt and have gone on to trust and marry again, and you will too in time.

Take a day at a time and get lost of help and support(as you have been).
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Old 26th January 2013, 07:19 PM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

Dear afraid23,

I'm really sorry this has happened to your young life. This guy seems to blow with the wind and he thinks the grass is greener on the next street. One wonders what is his backgoround? If his own family had little stability, than he may not know how to define a mans' role and respnsibilities. Maybe you can meet with him and hash out some issues.

True, men in 20's are often less mature than a woman at that age. While I would be shocked by what has occurred in your situation I would not be so quick on signing off on this marriage because he yanked me around. I would sign no divorce papers and suggest some counselling, if he agrees. You also have property and would sign nothing on that, without an even divsion of marital assets, if there is a divorce.

The fact he came and picked up his belongings doesn't wash away the marriage and you shouldn't let it go that easy. Here is where you make a fight of it. If you do love this man, put some effort forth to work out the truth of what caused this marriage to fracture. I would tell him it isn't going to be that easy to be a single man again. Let him see you mean to ask for some real truth from him.

Divorce is viewed as failure and one lives with a bad taste for a long time. He owes you more than this cowardly escape from your marriage! Is he worth fighting for? While You may decide he is not worth the effort, whatever love you both had may still have some basis for work.
Maybe you call his mother and sit down and talk with her and see how his family sees this. Maybe she is an ally, maybe not. Are you close to his family? I'd want to know how a man I loved could shift his personality and what facts caused that. One always wants closure if it is over. Don't count it over until you are sure there is no chance. Then a separation for months and counselling would be the way to approach this situation.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 27th January 2013 at 06:18 AM.
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Old 6th February 2013, 03:38 PM   #5
Hopefull1983
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

You poor poor thing. I was on here a few years ago now with a fairly similar situation and something told me to come on and see if I could offer any advice to anyone as this site was a lifeline for me at one point and then I saw your story which sounds very familiar. Like you after separation which came pretty out of the blue after we had just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary my ex husband told me how he didn’t miss me and didn’t want to try and make our marriage work. A lot happened in the few years after this, too much to go into now…however, part of the outcome is that he has ended up depressed, in a relationship where he makes it clear to people that he’s not happy in and very often messages me telling me how he messed up, still misses me, wishes he had tried to work things out. I don’t really know what advice to offer really, it’s possible that your husband will come to his senses in time, it’s possible that he will come to his senses when it’s too late or he might not come to his senses at all. What I can offer you though is re-assurance that regardless of the outcome for you two as a married couple you will be absolutely fine. I honestly thought my world had ended 3 and a half years ago, quite the opposite though, it was only the beginning. I’ve had a wonderful time, meeting new friends, putting myself in situations where I would have in the past shyed away from and basically just having lots of fun with old and new friends. Most importantly though it was a chance for me to discover who I really was and I gained so much more confidence. I am yet to fall in love again but I know that when I do I will enjoy the relationship so much more as I know who I am now. I know it’s hard to imagine right now but putting a positive spin on such an awful situation is that time really does heal and you will become such a strong person through all of the pain.

Keep your head up and your heart strong!

Natalia. x
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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Old 17th February 2013, 05:01 PM   #6
Affraid23
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

Hi guys,

Sorry ive not responded sooner, a lot has been going on since i was last on here. I have read you posts and would like to say thankyou for the support and guidance.

A quick update:
He has moved most of his things out now. He told me he would be moving his things out and then returned to the house while i was out a few days after i first wrote on here. It didnt seem to phase him at all. He left a few bits but says he will return for them soon, but was able to take silly things like a bottle of champagne that he bought me for my birthday but i hadnt yet drank, some other bottles that we brought back from our honeymoon. It just seems so heartless. He has also started to be really nasty towards me. When he does contact me, which is very rare, he makes nasty snide comments that he knows will really hurt. He has started to twist things and try to make it seem like it is my fault but just a couple of weeks ago he was trying to make it clear that it was nothing i had done and i had done nothing wrong. Ive started to see a whole new side of him, yet still miss him so much and want him to come home.
It was his brothers birthday a few days ago and i called round his parents house to drop his brothers card and present off. My H was there but remained silent the whole time. When i was leaving his parents got very emotional and apologised to me for how things had turned out. They looked truly heartbroken and disappointed and even embarrassed by his behaviour. It was really hard to see them so distressed but whats hurts more is that i have not heard from them since, not even a simple text message to see how im doing. It really hurts because they were my family and now they seem to have just forgotten all about me. Im losing so much and so many people and have no control over it.

I jut feel so lost and instead of the pain and hurt getting easier everyday it feels like its getting harder. So much of my identity is tied up in us and the couple we were. I cannot see past this to a life without him and us. I feel i dont know how to be on my own, i dont know how to be single again, i havent been single since i was 17. We were together for a long time and we were supposed to be together forever. I just dont see the point anymore. I want to turn off my feelings the same way he has done.
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Old 17th February 2013, 08:27 PM   #7
Forever
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You will have to allow your heart to bleed freely for awhile...but give it several months and you will find that the bleeding will slow and then a year from now, you will be surprised to find that it has healed considerably. There are some here who do not have such a cruel spouse as you do...so they linger on and on in the kind of pain you are in...grasping onto any bit of kindness or contact as a sign of hope. In a way, you are more fortunate that he has made his wishes known full stop...a clean cut is sooner healed than a jagged one.

Given that you have no children, get yourself out to a health club...buy books to read (not romance novels) and go to a church of your choice that have recovery workshops in progress. Whatever you do, do not try to maintain contacts with his friends or his family. Why? Because as you now see, they will, even though he did wrong, stick to him regardless, and that will only mean more open wounds for you to have to suffer. There are no grandchildren which would have "forced" contact...so they will simply wait to see what he brings around next.

Maybe you can take some comfort in a few loyal friends or some of your family...if not, maybe you can get a bit of counsel from a church where it is likely free?

You gave him years and hopes for a future...do not give him anymore of your love and energy, do not let him take anymore away from you than what has already been taken and thrown away by him. The best revenge is to find happiness once again...you will.
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Old 18th February 2013, 12:16 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

Its a horrible and painful time, but you will get through it.
I know what you mean about struggling with being part of a couple and then being single again.

Sadly many families with take the side of their children, even if the break up was their fault. My husband had this when his first marriage ended after 23 years.
Even though it wasnt his fault they didnt make any effort to get into contact and see how he was, so he lost his family really as well as his mariage.

You have time on your side, and you are still much younger than most who get married for the first time, and you can have a fresh start once time has healed you..

I suspect that your husband was far too young and immature to get married sadly. We change so much between our late teens and mid to late 20's. Better to find out now that he is not going to be faithful than later when you have children.

Many of us here have been through divorce and have gone on to trust and love again.
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Old 28th February 2013, 10:55 PM   #9
Affraid23
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

Hi again,

Thank you. I went to see my priest the other day. It was actually really helpful and he was really supportive. He agrees that there appears to be a pattern of lack of commitment. My H had never shown much commitment to many things in life except for me, i always saw myself and our relationship as the one thing that would stick. But what concerns me is that i know how much he regrets giving up on other things in his life and it kinda makes me want to keep holding on or when the regret does come to him. He warned me that i can get angry and i should get angry but to not let the anger turn into hate bcause hate will hurt me more than him. Its like, i know that the best revenge is being happy again without him but i dont see a day that that will ever be possible. He is just going about his life like i never existed and here i am, i feel like im grieving enough for the both of us.

I love him still so much. I miss him, so much and it still physically hurts, all of the time. It makes me feel stupid and quite pathetic to still feel like i need him after all he has done to me and how he has been. I just keep thinking what is the point?! I dont have the energy to keep going. People say it gets better every day but i its feels like it gets worse. Everyday i wake up without him and its another day i have to face without him.

I want to be happy, i wish i could stop crying, i pray that i will have the strength to keep going but i dont feel any relief.

I came across another website, its is ran by a charity who help women suffering sudden adandoned wife syndrome. I find that my situation matches the descriptions exactly. It has lots of advice and guidance but i feel i cannot follow any of it as i dont want to believe any of it, i know its true but i cannot accept it still. Its been nearly 7 weeks and i still cannot accept it.

X
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Old 1st March 2013, 12:25 AM   #10
chosen
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

7 weeks is nothing. If you had friend whose husband had died, would you expect her to be over it in 7 weeks? A marriage break up is a bereavement just as a death is.
When people say that you will feel better in time, they didnt mean a few weeks.

It WILL get better but will take time, and it is gradual, so be patient with yourself.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 03:58 PM   #11
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

Chosen is right , the end of a marriage is a bereavement . Not only are you grieving for the loss of a husband but also for the loss of a life you thought you'd had .

It takes time, sometimes years . Allow yourself that time to grieve BUT make sure you do something just for you each day . Take a walk , have a coffee with a friend , soak in a bubble bath - in other words be kind to yourself.

The cliché that time heals is one we often hear, but it is true.
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Old 2nd March 2013, 05:06 PM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

Dear Helen...

Wise advise as always. It also takes time to realize you made a poor selection in choice. One is ever so careful next time around. There is life after divorce and for most, there are lessons learned.
People generally remarry and for the better.
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Old 11th March 2013, 05:43 PM   #13
minky28
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Re: My husband has left me, what do i do?

Hi there, Im so sorry to hear your story.
I'm going through a similar thing. I was with my husband for 8 years before we got married 6 months ago. Since the honeymoon he's been up and down, moved in and out of our flat, one minute loves me, the next he wants us to sell our flat and break up. It's such an awful experience to go through.
I really hope you find happiness in the future. stay strong xx
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