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Old 4th February 2014, 09:47 PM   #136
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

That is wonderful Chosen xxxx
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Old 4th February 2014, 09:56 PM   #137
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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Hi Roses

Yes, since this all happened he told me straight up that he thought if he expressed negative opinions or weak feelings or resentments or anything less than perfection that he would lose me. I think that's a bit abnormal. All I ever did was tell him I loved him, but I think he was afraid of me falling out of love with him like his ex wife did.

The reasons we didn't get married right away were a few. For one, we didn't want to be disrespectful to his ex wife. For a second, we were saving money. For a third, I was set on a summer wedding and this summer his sister and my brother both had weddings and as we lived very far from family we didn't want to ask people to travel twice to a wedding in the same summer and also wanted to give people enough notice to attend. I also work in weddings, so it was hard for me to get a free Saturday unless we booked it off well in advance. All these things delayed the process. He didn't want to elope, he thought having our family and friends with us was the most important part to him. He said he wanted me to have the wedding I deserved. Not a big affair, but he wanted it to be special and not a rush job.

He started drinking after he had some very bad news at work / a big failure and around the same time he had an accident. After that he started to drink too much. I think work was the biggest factor in his stress. He really did got through a terrible time with it.


Thanks so much, yes, my son understands. He is coping okay. He misses home a lot. He is a very clever little boy and very sensitive but strong. He will adapt to whatever occurs. He mainly misses his stepbrother - who was his best friend.

In the next three weeks or so I have to leave family and move because I am needed back for work.

I am putting it off. It feels very permanent and very strange to be going off and getting my own house that doesn't include my fiance anymore. I can't imagine living without him and moving to a strange place on my own! I do have friends there, but it's not the same and I don't know the area well! Feeling very scared.
It just occurred to me when you said that he thought you may do what his ex did, that he didnt have any time to recover emotionally from that marriage, or get his life back on track between being with her and being with you.
Its usually recommended that people have least 2-3 years after one marriage ends before embarking on another relationship. For me it was 4 years before I was ready to even think of another man.

Maybe if he had at least a year or two alone after he left his ex(maybe while the divorce was going through) he would have had time to think and recover and work on building up his life again, and would have been far more emotionally healthy for whenever he met anyone else. When you think about it, him jumping from living that awful life with his ex wife straight into living with you, was almost doomed to failure.
Relationships that begin far too quickly after another one ends, often fail, especially when that person brings all the baggage and unresolved issues into the new relationship which he seems to have done.

Maybe when he has recovered more, he needs to have some time alone to get a good long session of counselling, get a job that he can do without too much pressure, and just make a life for himself before he will be ready for any marriage.
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Old 4th February 2014, 10:18 PM   #138
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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It just occurred to me when you said that he thought you may do what his ex did, that he didnt have any time to recover emotionally from that marriage, or get his life back on track between being with her and being with you.
This is exactly what I said at the time!!!!

He convinced me otherwise. I still have the letters....give me a minute and I will dig it out!
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Old 4th February 2014, 10:20 PM   #139
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

So this is what I sent all those years ago Chosen, funnily saying exactly that:

For whatever you say, I just donīt believe that you have come close to grieving for the loss you are experiencing because the end of a 16 year marriage is a serious thing and I am concerned that you are not allowing time between to process it all.

I need for you to feel completely over it for us to be able to be together. I do honestly think you and I have something special, but the chemistry between us makes it difficult to think logically.

What I do want is for you to have the time and space you need to heal. For you to have a clear mind to make sure you choose to be with me for the right reasons instead of the wrong ones.

What I would NEVER want is for you to try and hide feelings from me, or try and pretend you're not upset about going through a divorce, as that will just put a wedge between us. Either we are all, or we are nothing and that means sharing feelings even if they hurt. If we do choose to be friends now to allow you time to resolve this, then I will still be here, and we will still talk and hopefully have a chance for something in the future.
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Old 4th February 2014, 10:29 PM   #140
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

And this was the reply I got. So funny that I have all these letters! Shows how much that didn't work out as it was meant to

"
OK,

Read your message a third time now and here's what I think are the answers to your questions... Sorry if some of this comes over as a little vociferous - it's not meant that way, it is born from frustration rather than anger. I don't do anger.

I am over it! Our marriage was dead many years ago and I have grieved it slowly as each stage passed.

The only sadness I have remaining over the end of my marriage is the feeling I have for us not being a family, in the traditional sense and I am very sad for my son. This has not been easy for me at all. I have had to wrestle with my sometimes overbearing sense of loyalty in so far as I am in love with you but I would not want anything to jeopardize a civilised and amicable divorce or my ongoing relationship with the mother of my child. It’s a balancing act to do the right thing.

As for anything else, I want to share special moments and a lifetime with you. You make me feel complete - probably the wrong choice of words - more like a light has been switched on in a darkened room. Which even still probably makes no sense.... Aaaaarrrrggghh!

I love you, I want you and only you. You are so far from picking up the ashes of a emotionally burnt out man. You are the ONE for me. I want to share the future with you, I am not concerned with the past. For ME, it will be glorious experiencing everything with YOU first time round - regardless of whether either of us has done it before and with whoever. It will most likely mean more to me experiencing with you than anyone else. Simply Red have just started singing on the radio and, much as I hate that ginger fool, they say "I want to fall from the stars, straight into your arms" which struck a chord then. I do. I want to. I want to be with you. I want us to grow old together. I want to build a house and a home together and have both our boys be the happiest in the world. If WE decide that we should have a baby together, then that would be a wonderful thing.

I am ready to move on. I am ready to share my life and my love with the one and only person in the world that I honestly and truly want to spend the rest of my life with. That person is you. Please accept this and embrace it because you are the most beautiful person I have ever met and I want to be with you through thick and thin till death do us part.

I really do love you on an astronomical scale and only you! I don’t want to pay the field, I don’t want to wait a year and I have never been so sure of anything in my life!"
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Old 4th February 2014, 10:30 PM   #141
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

So you can see, I did try and see a lot of these things, but he was always so convincing! I don't think he was lying....he was just to aware himself that he needed time alone. I think he just reacted to being in love without using logic!
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Old 4th February 2014, 11:06 PM   #142
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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So you can see, I did try and see a lot of these things, but he was always so convincing! I don't think he was lying....he was just to aware himself that he needed time alone. I think he just reacted to being in love without using logic!
Although he says that the marriage was over years ago, he never physically left not divorced her , and that is telling. You must leave that person for the healing and separation to even begin. You cant do that in my opinion, if you are still seeing each other every day and living as if you were still married in the same house. The emotional ties are still there.

If the marriage were truly dead he would have left ages before surely? I am wondering if he is afraid to be alone, because he only left when he had you to go to. Some people will live in an unhappy relationship because its preferable to being alone(as far as they are concerned). They are in an unhappy limbo situation, but cant seem to make that effort to leave it.

Maybe you sensed all this at the time, which is why you wrote what you did Maybe he was also afraid that if you ended it you may not still be there after a year or so.
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Old 4th February 2014, 11:28 PM   #143
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I agree Chosen.

He also saw divorce as a failure. I have heard from friends a lot of people feel this way.
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Old 4th February 2014, 11:36 PM   #144
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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I agree Chosen.

He also saw divorce as a failure. I have heard from friends a lot of people feel this way.
Yes its common. Maybe he was still hoping for a massive change of heart from his ex wife.
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Old 5th February 2014, 08:29 AM   #145
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Oh I'm laughing. I don't think we'll be needing a spell caster there Bradley!
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Old 5th February 2014, 11:21 AM   #146
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

?

I think there is something wrong in the way he says doesn't do anger. Anger is not a bad thing always. It is what one does with it that counts. His putting up with his wife having her lover in his house is a case in point. Where was his right anger there to confront her and deal with it. How did the children take this? One does wonder if he was letting them put things on him at work as well. Passiveness at the wrong time is not a virtue and can lead you into being a doormat.
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Old 5th February 2014, 11:46 AM   #147
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Hi Raymond. I agree with you, but at the time I thought he was just gentle natured. I do see with hindsight that "not doing anger" is strange. No he never confronted his wife or her lover. He most definitely lets them put things on him at work. There were times when he was doing three people's jobs, getting 5 hours sleep a night and instead of thanking him his boss was treating him like a little boy and complaining that he wasn't getting work in on time. I think eventually, with a run of bad luck and numerous life pressures, a person like that will have a likelihood of snapping.
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Old 5th February 2014, 12:03 PM   #148
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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Hi Raymond. I agree with you, but at the time I thought he was just gentle natured. I do see with hindsight that "not doing anger" is strange. No he never confronted his wife or her lover. He most definitely lets them put things on him at work. There were times when he was doing three people's jobs, getting 5 hours sleep a night and instead of thanking him his boss was treating him like a little boy and complaining that he wasn't getting work in on time. I think eventually, with a run of bad luck and numerous life pressures, a person like that will have a likelihood of snapping.
I know people like this who simply cannot stand up for themselves or be in the least assertive. Then they wonder why people take advantage, because they always will. Sometime it can be caused by over protective or controlling parents who always fought their battles for them. I see this a lot.
I always want to put a rocket up their backsides I am betting that he was bullied at school as well.
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Old 5th February 2014, 12:10 PM   #149
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Yes, he was bullied at school.

I think he found his identity as being "Mr Nice Guy" and it made people like him. He loves thi image of himself.

His Mum told me he was a very angry teenager...raging actually...then one day she said he just changed and became totally docile.

Very funny though, lately, he has started getting angry! He has started getting jealous and showing all sorts of negative emotions he never showed before. i bet counselling will actually be the making of him.

He is a naturally very kind person, but if he can just find some boundaries and a way to be a little more assertive, and maybe also authentic, it will make for a much easier life!
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Old 5th February 2014, 12:12 PM   #150
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

His school friends still bully him when they visit. He lets a lot of them get away with being quite belittling although you can see it upsets him.
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