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Old 5th February 2014, 09:04 PM   #151
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I've said this before but he sounds like he really needs to keep good boundaries. He has to recognise where he stops and where others begin. Doing what others want sounds good but it has to be motivated rightly from within and not just out of weakness, guilt or people pleasing. Jesus is a perfect example of one who kept good boundaries. He wasn't pushed or influenced in the wrong way but did good from a different motive. I am finding this so important in not being a people pleaser out of weakness. Nobody is going to keep his property (himself) for him. He has to do it. Some people will know how to make one feel guilty but that is a very bad motivation for anything.
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Old 5th February 2014, 11:57 PM   #152
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Yes I know Raymond. i bought that book "Mr Nice Guy". Read it and will give it to him when he's better. Right now he finds even thinking about that sort of stuff really frightening, although thankfully his medication seems to have stabilised him and he is getting back to some semblance of normal personality. He's veer, very fragile though. I think a year of counselling probably to unravel things so deeply ingrained. But I AM hopeful still and refuse to completely give up!
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Old 6th February 2014, 12:00 AM   #153
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I am taking a new attitude though and am trying to take care of myself and have separated myself from him in the sense I no longer consider us a "couple" which has been a relief because it takes all the pressure off me.

Booked a trip to go house hunting, and looking at schools and have lots of friends supporting me for that. Feeling scared and sad about it but also know it has to be done and will do the right thing. Going to take a place 3 hours from him so I will be close enough for support and far enough that he can recover as an individual.

Also going to visit him in a few weeks, and that's giving him a lot of happiness so that is good.

Baby steps, but for now, I am single but we are both hopeful and I will certainly maintain distance until he is well - after which I think we would need counselling and a very slow start to have a hope.

He might have a lot of problems but he's still the finest person I have ever known and I can wait very, very long time.

Some of the advice here has made me see things differently, but also given me the courage to know that God sometimes has a very mysterious way of making things the way they should be.
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Old 6th February 2014, 09:41 AM   #154
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Sounds good to me vsl. I hope you can change your name soon. If things do happen both your eyes will be more open to the reality of things I hope. I have never heard of Mr Nice Guy. I assume this is like the boundary books. He does need to come back with that sorted I think, but it will take time of course. I believe God will work wherever He can where there is faith towards Him and also trust.
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Old 6th February 2014, 10:18 AM   #155
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I think you are so right that you would need a long long process of starting again and counselling together before you ever considered marriage/living together again. I can see this all taking years to be honest. After what happened, I am sure you would be very very cautious of making any sort of commitment to him unless there have been big big changes. Even then, you would need to get to know the 'new' him he was hiding from you all that time.
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Old 6th February 2014, 10:42 AM   #156
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Yes, Mr Nice Guy is a book about men with no boundaries. I read it and some of it really hit home. It's about how they develop this persona in childhood and how it causes them to have seething resentments and a build up of unexpressed stress.

Chosen, I know. It makes me very sad, but this is going to take years and a lot of big changes. That's been the hard part to face. I wanted a quick fix, but I am not going to get it.

He has to go through this alone, heal himself and when he is better he then needs t take the time he should have had after his divorce to just be alone and adjust to that.

I am not saying I am not going to date him during that time, but it will be from a distance. If we make a life together again it will be on the right terms with some big changes in place.

I'd need to know he had a handle on the way he deals with pressure. I have no desire to be married to someone when every time a life crisis comes up I am wondering if my husband is going to leave me.

This is a very hard situation, but maybe life is not always easy.
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Old 6th February 2014, 11:50 AM   #157
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Ronnoco says

I once read something that said "People don't change, they just reveal themselves". I think this can be true to an extent. You can put on a mask and hide things from everyone, including yourself - but one day, your tipping point is reached and then you have big problems.

I think there is a lot of truth in that Ronnoco. We all have a true inner man hidden in there. It takes the truth to bring it out and it can happen gradually more and more throughout our lives. Personally I don't think it can happen without Christ but there you go. I've tried it not knowing about Him and just made my own truth but it didn't work and made me weaker not stronger. Man's extremity is often God's opportunity.

Last edited by Raymond; 6th February 2014 at 02:09 PM.
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Old 6th February 2014, 11:59 AM   #158
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Quote:
Originally Posted by verysadlady View Post
Hi Roses

Yes, since this all happened he told me straight up that he thought if he expressed negative opinions or weak feelings or resentments or anything less than perfection that he would lose me. I think that's a bit abnormal.

He didn't want to elope, he thought having our family and friends with us was the most important part to him. He said he wanted me to have the wedding I deserved. Not a big affair, but he wanted it to be special and not a rush job.

Thanks so much, yes, my son understands. He is coping okay. He misses home a lot. He is a very clever little boy and very sensitive but strong. He will adapt to whatever occurs. He mainly misses his stepbrother - who was his best friend.
Hi VSL

So your man was married over 16 years before you entered his life. That is a long marriage.

Anyway, hope your house / school hunting will go well for you. Like any of us, he probably had his own belief system, which seems to be slightly skewed and perhaps, a little too idealistic to my mind. He must know nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes and that's not the end of the world.

He probably didn't mean to destroy the relationship this way.. But, I feel that at least, he ought to say sorry to your son for causing all this upset for the child even if he is unable to apologise to you for making you and your son suffer from homelessness. He must know how autistic children are by now.

All the best and good luck.. x
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Old 6th February 2014, 12:33 PM   #159
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Thank you Roses.

I am absolutely sure he will apologise to all of us when he is a little better. I know it's hard to understand, but I know him very well and can see he is standing on ice emotionally and needs to get on more stable ground.

When this was at it's worst, he felt his grip of reality was lessening and he had no equilibrium in his mind. He was very scared by this and is very scared of going back there. He feels now like he has 100 steps to take to recovery and he has already made 3 or 4 of those. Thinking about things like that right now would cause him to take 3 or 4 steps back and this doesn't help anybody. He needs to take a lot more steps - maybe all 100 of those - to really be in a position to face all that.

I am not glossing over what happened, there are consequences. His life and family and gone too - and he will have a lot of guilt over the pain he caused my little boy. No question about that, Roses.

xxx
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Old 6th February 2014, 01:59 PM   #160
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

As Chosen says it will take years for him to find his feet in a really strong way. I wouldn't rule out marriage before the healing is complete but something like that will knock his confidence for six for a while.

When I had a breakdown in my twenties I never really healed until my conversion as I didn't have a point of reference to trust in. I needed a rock and not just good advice but I didn't know I needed it until I found it.
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Old 6th February 2014, 02:13 PM   #161
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Ronnoco says

I once read something that said "People don't change, they just reveal themselves". I think this can be true to an extent. You can put on a mask and hide things from everyone, including yourself - but one day, your tipping point is reached and then you have big problems.

I think there is a lot of truth in that Ronnoco. We all have a true inner man hidden in there. It takes the truth to bring it out and it can happen gradually more and more throughout our lives. Personally I don't think it can happen without Christ but there you go. I've tried it not knowing about Him and just made my own truth but it didn't work and made me weaker not stronger. Man's extremity is often God's opportunity.

I don't know how I changed your post Ronnoco. Something went wrong here?
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Old 6th February 2014, 02:35 PM   #162
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I agree with that too Raymond. It is usually more of a gradual process...growing up? Getting to now yourself and adjusting as you go along the way?

For me this was why my 20s were difficult. I didn't know who I really was and made bad choices.
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Old 6th February 2014, 08:21 PM   #163
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

It's great to know who you are and that you don't have to do everything. We need encouragement in life but we don't need peer pressure. Everyone is different and we have to respect that. Also in marriage as well. Actually that's how the freedom comes. Once you are accepted for who you are you are free to love. Being molded to someone else's ideas of life just brings bondage.
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Old 6th March 2014, 11:32 AM   #164
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I thought I would take a few minutes to update you all seeing as you were so helpful to me before.

I am now staying with my depressed ex fiance, I came here apartment hunting and for a few work meetings and thankfully I found a perfect apartment for myself and my son which we will move into next week. My son is still with my parents, but I will have him back as soon as the place is ready. We managed to fix things so he can go back to the same school and he is really happy, so that is fantastic news!

I have been with my ex fiance for 9 days now, staying with him in his house. We have had a lot of time to talk. Some very interesting things came up! He said he has been through things with his counsellor and has worked out he is a people pleaser and can lie / manipulate to keep up appearances or to try and keep people happy. I thought this was wonderful news as you had all identified this as a key issue for him. He is embracing it, as well as all the other issues and is focussing on getting well.

He wants us back, and wants our family back together, but he also knows it is not so simple and he wants to get help / get well first. We discussed it and I explained that I would need much more this time..including marriage and big changes to his priorities if he wants a new relationship and he accepts that and says he will do whatever is required.

He is also now able to feel extreme remorse for the pain he caused us, and he has been busy making calls and writing letters to friends and family to explain the truth of our situation and he also wants to make amends to our children.

Best of all, he has started going to church with me! I took him over there and prayed with him the day I got here. For healing, for guidance, for faith, for strength. He said he felt something move inside of him and he felt renewed and calmed inside. It really was a wonderful experience to hold hands together and pray. This is amazing for him because he has never been religious and I hope he can find a way to connect to the spiritual part of his life that I think is so lacking.

It is not all a merry ending of course, this is only tiny steps. I have no idea what will happen. It may be that I can't move past all this. Many things can happen but we have taken steps to healing.
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Old 6th March 2014, 11:49 AM   #165
ronnoco
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Hi ??? ( i'm not calling you very sad lady anymore ;-)

This all sounds really positive to me. The way you have dealt with this extremely difficult and traumatic situation is a testament to yourself. Well done.

It sounds as though things are turning around and in a very positive way. It will take time but hopefully if you take it slow, keep up with the counselling and particular the church then who knows, perhaps you will be stronger than ever.

Your Fiance was a good person before, we could all see that, but perhaps with these problems addressed he will be set free and become better than you can have ever imagined. The things being done by him, in particularly the letters show he is a man grounded on integrity and family values with excellent morals and character.

I'm glad you stuck with him. To me, you both seemed like a married couple in every sense of the word. If I were you, I would have done the same.

All the very best.
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