Thanks Ronnoco. I am still pretty sad!
I think he will become free, and I think he will become better than HE ever imagined. He's embracing the therapy. After a lifetime of certain behaviours that were self destructive to himself in the long run he's being brave in observing those in himself and his counsellor seems incredibly insightful. He seems encouraged and enlightened. He is a good person and a true family man. I am so glad you see that in him because sometimes "weakness" isn't "badness". It's just an incorrect way of managing things and his past combined with a gentle character forced him to create mechanisms to deal with life that are just not conducive to honest living. No one lives without conflict or confrontation without also living with dishonesty. He has to choose.
He has changes to make so he can be the person he endeavours to be instead of just "trying" to be that person. Hopefully counselling will help him to see it is a lot easier than he thinks. A lot of it is about just walking your own truth with a bit of courage.
He's a good man, but he's also a flawed man. When he stops expected or pretending to be anything else he'll hopefully see that what he actually is, is enough. A lot of being good enough is just about trying.
Ronocco, I don't know if we will end up together. Truthfully I don't. As time passes I move further from him and that is the process. When a partner withdraws all support, emotions and connection with you it becomes very difficult to preserve the bond single handedly. When that person has damaged you enormously it becomes more difficult still. I'm only human and I wish I was better at this but I am consumed with negative feeling on so many days.
There are moments he is near me in his illness and I feel an overwhelming sense of love and hope that I genuinely understand what the word "grace" means. Other moments I feel an overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness. I can't tell right now which is real or maybe if both are real simultaneously and if I have to find my way home from there.
The relationship we once had is gone. If we are together again it will be a new one. That is the truth because everything now would need to be different. the foundations of a relationship; respect, trust, commitment, intimacy. They have all been sledge-hammered and will need to be rebuilt.
A lot of it depends on how long it takes for him to heal, how close he can keep me during that period, how much work we re both able to put into this and how much I can persevere without a true "relationship" which we are not most certainly lacking in his current state.
I will be 25 minutes from him in my own place. I will get on with my life. He left me with no real choice except to build a life that only marginally includes him now. I support him, he has my love, he has my faith and that won't change. Whether or not I still want him as a life partner and husband depends on whether I can one day sit down and feel like I trust him to stand by me for life or not, whether I one day feel like he loves me as much as I love him.
Right now, the answer to those questions are both "no".
I pray a lot now. Not for us to be together again, but just for God to guide me right and for me not to become lost in fear and anger and hate. I try and be grateful, and there's a lot to be grateful for even in the middle of something like this.