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Old 6th March 2014, 12:19 PM   #166
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Thanks Ronnoco. I am still pretty sad!

I think he will become free, and I think he will become better than HE ever imagined. He's embracing the therapy. After a lifetime of certain behaviours that were self destructive to himself in the long run he's being brave in observing those in himself and his counsellor seems incredibly insightful. He seems encouraged and enlightened. He is a good person and a true family man. I am so glad you see that in him because sometimes "weakness" isn't "badness". It's just an incorrect way of managing things and his past combined with a gentle character forced him to create mechanisms to deal with life that are just not conducive to honest living. No one lives without conflict or confrontation without also living with dishonesty. He has to choose.

He has changes to make so he can be the person he endeavours to be instead of just "trying" to be that person. Hopefully counselling will help him to see it is a lot easier than he thinks. A lot of it is about just walking your own truth with a bit of courage.

He's a good man, but he's also a flawed man. When he stops expected or pretending to be anything else he'll hopefully see that what he actually is, is enough. A lot of being good enough is just about trying.

Ronocco, I don't know if we will end up together. Truthfully I don't. As time passes I move further from him and that is the process. When a partner withdraws all support, emotions and connection with you it becomes very difficult to preserve the bond single handedly. When that person has damaged you enormously it becomes more difficult still. I'm only human and I wish I was better at this but I am consumed with negative feeling on so many days.

There are moments he is near me in his illness and I feel an overwhelming sense of love and hope that I genuinely understand what the word "grace" means. Other moments I feel an overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness. I can't tell right now which is real or maybe if both are real simultaneously and if I have to find my way home from there.

The relationship we once had is gone. If we are together again it will be a new one. That is the truth because everything now would need to be different. the foundations of a relationship; respect, trust, commitment, intimacy. They have all been sledge-hammered and will need to be rebuilt.

A lot of it depends on how long it takes for him to heal, how close he can keep me during that period, how much work we re both able to put into this and how much I can persevere without a true "relationship" which we are not most certainly lacking in his current state.

I will be 25 minutes from him in my own place. I will get on with my life. He left me with no real choice except to build a life that only marginally includes him now. I support him, he has my love, he has my faith and that won't change. Whether or not I still want him as a life partner and husband depends on whether I can one day sit down and feel like I trust him to stand by me for life or not, whether I one day feel like he loves me as much as I love him.

Right now, the answer to those questions are both "no".

I pray a lot now. Not for us to be together again, but just for God to guide me right and for me not to become lost in fear and anger and hate. I try and be grateful, and there's a lot to be grateful for even in the middle of something like this.
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Old 6th March 2014, 01:28 PM   #167
ronnoco
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Great post SL.

It's good that you are optimistic, you have every reason to be. If you had been married, I know you would be hanging in there because you are someone who takes their wedding vows seriously. You were literally married in every sense in my eyes so I think it makes sense to have hope for a future together. With so many relationships and marriages falling apart due to adultery, I just think if you have someone who you know is good, hang on in there for the time being.

Your don't seem like the sort of person who is going to go out looking for someone else straight away, that only leads to trouble so what you are doing now seems very sensible to me.

I really like what you said here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by verysadlady View Post

I pray a lot now. Not for us to be together again, but just for God to guide me right and for me not to become lost in fear and anger and hate. I try and be grateful, and there's a lot to be grateful for even in the middle of something like this.
I say a prayer every night for the things that I suspect that more than 90% of all humans take for granted every day. Being able to walk, see, touch, feel, breathe...we are all so lucky and yet worry about some really silly trivial things (me included) - we often forgot how blessed we truly are.
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Old 6th March 2014, 01:52 PM   #168
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I think that as time passes, God will enable you to see if this man is right for you for the future. Its brilliant news that he is more open to your faith, because in fact God does make it clear that we must not marry anyone who doesn't share our faith. Having been married to one non Christian man and one strong Christian man I can tell you it makes an enormous difference.

Obviously I cant agree that what you had was as good as, or somehow equivalent to, marriage as ronocco said, and because of that you are not legally or morally bound to make it work as you would be more if you were married. The fact that you are talling to God a lot through this is brilliant, and because of that, I am sure that you will come to know whether you must move on completely or not. Only God knows the future, and whether this man will be good or bad for you and your son, so stick close to Him and I think you will know if/when the time comes to move on without him in your life.

You are right to take it very very slowly, and even when he seems a lot better don't rush into marriage until he has been back at work for a year or so, and has been truly converted to the Christian faith. Until this happens leave him in Gods hands, and keep your distance emotionally if you can.

Last edited by chosen; 6th March 2014 at 01:59 PM.
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Old 6th March 2014, 02:17 PM   #169
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I agree with Chosen. Marriage is such an important decision that we are foolish to leave God out of it. He will make it clear even if His will just grows on you so be patient.

I think people pleasers feel a kind of rejection and feel they have to please people to feel loved. We can love people without being a people pleaser in the wrong sense. Truly knowing the love of Christ would go a long way in healing this as well as building up ones knowledge of the good teaching that is around on this subject, especially the boundary book.

You can only start from where you are now and keeping a loose connection makes sense just now until you really have God's peace on whether to pursue marriage or not. In my own situation God's peace in proposing marriage was more important than anything else as good as the relationship was and I have never regretted it.
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Old 6th March 2014, 02:23 PM   #170
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Quote:
Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
I say a prayer every night for the things that I suspect that more than 90% of all humans take for granted every day. Being able to walk, see, touch, feel, breathe...we are all so lucky and yet worry about some really silly trivial things (me included) - we often forgot how blessed we truly are.


Thank you Chosen and Raymond. I am surrendering here. I don't know the right choice and am just keeping faith that it will be shown to me in time.
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Old 7th March 2014, 09:49 AM   #171
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Don't go in to marriage until you are sure. Obviously a lot of thought and some prayer need to go into this. If he is not the right one there will be someone else. You don't need to strive about it. A lack of conviction will mean that it is not right.
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Old 7th March 2014, 10:33 AM   #172
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Don't go in to marriage until you are sure. Obviously a lot of thought and some prayer need to go into this. If he is not the right one there will be someone else. You don't need to strive about it. A lack of conviction will mean that it is not right.
Also a lack of peace. IF you are not 100% sure then don't even think about it.
I have heard so many people say that they didn't feel quite right about marrying someone, but did it anyway, and they lived to regret it.
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Old 30th April 2014, 06:50 PM   #173
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Hello all.

I am sorry to say that about a week after my last post my ex partner had another turnaround and told me he didn't love me, didn't want to work on things and just wnated to focus on his own health.

It was pretty sad to say the least after all the progress we'd made.

I've not seen him now for a couple of months. I hear he never goes anywhere and that he's in bad shape.

I'm struggling a bit and thought I'd post here for some wise words. I know right now I am supposed to connect with God and feel as much faith as I can but I can't seem to do it.

I have done all the things I am meant to do - thrown myself into work - settled myself into my new place - spent time with good friends - started going for a run every morning.

It's just that nothing makes me feel better.
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Old 30th April 2014, 07:18 PM   #174
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

I am sorry to hear that, but it may be the best thing for you and your son in the long run so that you can grieve and move on now. You are bound to feel sad and low after all of this uncertainty. You have lost a relationship and partner and that will take time to recover from.

How is it that you hear about him? It may be best if you dont ask anything about him now and let it all go.

Have you found a good local church? Joined any groups there?
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Old 30th April 2014, 07:41 PM   #175
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Thanks Chosen. I know I am supposed to move on and grieve. It just doesn't feel right.

I hear about him because we have all the same friends. I know his movements pretty well. He;s not even going out to celebrate his birthday in a few days despite our friends trying hard to organise something for him. It's very hard to move on when he is mentally ill.

I have been lucky as my new neighbour is a church elder and she gave me an invite to their church. I am sorry to say I have not been yet. I find it hard to get up in the morning or really to do anything. I am not depressed, I am just forlorn and cannot seem to shake it off.
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Old 30th April 2014, 08:15 PM   #176
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

You took the words out of my mouth Chosen. Grieve and leave. I am only just learning about this after all these years. My wife said the other day that grieving is a temporary pain that cures a much bigger pain. If it needs to be done it needs to be done. I suppose I usually put it another way saying have a funeral for him and move one.

VSL it hasn't been all that long since this happened. You sound as if you are going through a grieving time because of the loss but there will come a period when you will be ready to move on. Remember grieving is temporary so you need to know when it's time to move on and not get bogged down with it. It needs to happen but you have to move on when it is done. I believe you will know that time, especially if you are one that prays to Him.
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Old 30th April 2014, 10:00 PM   #177
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Quote:
Originally Posted by verysadlady View Post
Thanks Chosen. I know I am supposed to move on and grieve. It just doesn't feel right.

I hear about him because we have all the same friends. I know his movements pretty well. He;s not even going out to celebrate his birthday in a few days despite our friends trying hard to organise something for him. It's very hard to move on when he is mentally ill.

I have been lucky as my new neighbour is a church elder and she gave me an invite to their church. I am sorry to say I have not been yet. I find it hard to get up in the morning or really to do anything. I am not depressed, I am just forlorn and cannot seem to shake it off.

Give yourself time, its early days yet. Try and get to church as well, and maybe there is a woman's group you could join? It would be good to have support and prayer from other believers. I think you need to ask your friends not to tell you any of his news, as this wont help you to let go and heal.
He is an adult and he isn't your responsibility. He has friends and family who can help if he wants that.
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Old 30th April 2014, 10:19 PM   #178
verysadlady
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

Thank you both of you. I know it will make me feel better. I can't understand why I am resistant. I just feel tired and empty.

I am coping though...I run every morning and that helps.

Love is a tricky beast!
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Old 30th April 2014, 10:47 PM   #179
chosen
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

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Originally Posted by verysadlady View Post
Thank you both of you. I know it will make me feel better. I can't understand why I am resistant. I just feel tired and empty.

I am coping though...I run every morning and that helps.


Love is a tricky beast!
Its hard to get that enthusiasm for things when you feel weary and sad. It will get better as time passes, but you have been an a roller coaster for a long time with all this.
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Old 1st May 2014, 12:44 PM   #180
Raymond
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Re: Please help. My life has been turned upside down

You need to make that decision vsl. You cannot really grieve and recover until you do.
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