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Old 21st February 2011, 08:12 PM   #1
cas58
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31 Years down the drain

I came here cause I just need someone to talk to and get some feed back from. On Valentines Day my H of 31 years told me he's in love with another women has recently started sleeping with her. This has been going on about 2 years. About this time last year it came out as an emotional affair. I asked him to quit his job (they work together) and to quit having contact with her. He refused to quit the job and said they tried not to have contact but they just couldn't do it. So a year later now they are sleeping together. Her husband intercepted an text and thats how they got caught. Right now I have every emotion going through my head. To complicate things we have an adult handicap son. He's out of the house but wants to see the son everday. He watched my son today while I was at work and took a shower here and finished up some laundry I started. I told him he could not come home until he stopped loving her, quit his job and I want access to his phone. He refuses all of the above terms. So I'm taking that as were are done. He refused counsling because he nows what the problem is. (he's in love with this person and he doesn't need a counslor telling him that)
I have an consultation with an attorney tomorrow Im really hoping this gives me a clear sense of direction
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Old 21st February 2011, 10:27 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: 31 Years down the drain

It's only his repentance that can cure the marriage now Cas. As that doesn't seem to be there things do look bleak. He is in adultery which is ample grounds for divorce.

Sadly you may now be looking to your attorney now to get the best settlement possible. You should be in a good place financially with his adultery and your handicapped son to look after. I know it is small comfort after what has happened but you have to do it to secure your financial future.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 04:59 AM   #3
chosen
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Re: 31 Years down the drain

cas
The boundaries that you set him for coming back sound good and wise, but as Raymond says, he doesnt seem to even want to stop seeing this lady or end their relationship.If at some point he wants to come back to you, then there will need to be strict conditions set, but he seems to have made his mind up.
If he had done what you asked at the beginning, then it may not have got this serious, but he CHOOSE to sin and so cheat and lie and decieve you.This is why boundaries with members of the opposite sex are so important, especially in the workplace where many affairs seem to start.
Him coming round every day is a mixed blessing for you, as on the one hand he is helping you with your son, on the other it must be so hard to see him, knowing that he is carrying on with this married woman. It will make it hard for you to move on if you have to see him so often.
Two families are being broken and deeply hurt by this and that is tragic. They are being extreemly selfish, but its unilkely that it will last, as relationships born out of adultery and cheating rarely do.

Getting legal advise is a good thing to do, and you may want to look into what sort of help you can get for your son, because if they stay together and move in together, he may end up not giving you the support that he has been up till now.
I hate adultery with a passion, as there has been so much of it in my family, and my husbands ex did this also, and I feel for you so much.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 10:31 AM   #4
getaffe
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Re: 31 Years down the drain

It is not your duty to punish him, but your duty to protect yourself and your son. Do whatever you think is right by that. Not only did he commit adultery, but also waited one whole year (did I get that right?) to tell you. As was said, the boundaries you set are good, but I don't think they should be permanent. I'd tell him that you're trying to forgive him, but you don't want him in the house until you do.

Last edited by getaffe; 2nd March 2011 at 12:14 PM.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 02:00 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: 31 Years down the drain

Assuming that he finishes with it and shows some repentance of course.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 04:36 PM   #6
getaffe
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Re: 31 Years down the drain

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Assuming that he finishes with it and shows some repentance of course.
Whether that is needed for cas58's forgiveness is up to her I think. She might find that her life without this man can be very fulfilling and chose to forgive him so she can move on.
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Old 22nd February 2011, 06:51 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: 31 Years down the drain

Of course. I assume you are talking about forgiveness to be able to move on not for a restoration of the relationship while there is no repentance.
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