Hard times
I started to notice a while back that my wife didn't want me see things she was doing on her laptop. I would walk by and she would close her laptop so that I couldn’t see what she was doing. At first I didn't really pay much attention because she had never done anything to make me think anything was going on. One day, it was much more obvious that she was hiding something. I had walked up behind to ask her a question and surprised her. Before she had time to close the laptop I saw an email that read "Are you there?". I asked her about it and she told me she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that I saw the email and asked what she was hiding and again her response was the same.
I am not a controlling or generally paranoid person. This was the first time that I had ever questioned her odd behavior so there was no reason for her to act this way to me.
Once I knew that she was hiding something from me I was much more alert to any odd behavior. I would ask to borrow her laptop and she always had to "do something" to it first. After a while I couldn't take it anymore and one late night while she was asleep I went through her emails. I felt horrible but I had to know if something was going on. I found several emails that were questionable, mostly flirting with other guys at her job. I also found the email that she said she "didn't know what I was talking about", in her deleted archived items. It still didn't make since to me but why hide it? Then I found the one email that still makes me sick to this day. A guy from her job asked her "are we going to do lunch today?" to which she replied "no, that's tomorrow... I have to pretend to be a good wife today". I confronted her about it and she told me that it was meant as a joke. I still don't understand how that can be translated into a joke.
After that I became a little freaked out and started thinking about all of the signs that I may have missed in the past. She had just taken a "business trip" for 4 or 5 days. I looked up the flight receipts and any other business receipts we had. They only showed two people going, her and the man I am now paranoid of. When I thought back to when she left I remember thinking that it was weird that she was only taking beach cloths on a business trip. I also thought it saw weird when she got back that she had a lacy bra in her bag that she never puts on for me. Again, I didn't think anything of it at the time because I am very trusting. When I confronted her about it she had more ridiculous excuses.
Another thought that came to mind was her company Christmas party where she left me to go dance with the man that I am now paranoid of. A little up set and bored I went to the room at the hotel by myself. I went to sleep and was later woken up by her coming into the room. I had been in the room since 10:30 and it was now 1:30. At the time I was more upset about the fact that she left me alone with all the people from her job and didn't spend time with me.
These were the things that really stared everything we have been going through for the last six months. For six months I have been really trying to be understanding of my wife. She comes from a family that doesn't talk or like to deal with any confrontation. When I tell her that she has really hurt me she doesn't say she is sorry. She just finds something she can be upset at me about. Either that or she says she "doesn't want to talk about it" or gives me the silent treatment. She can see that I am hurting and she doesn't do anything. I am a very forgiving person so I have tried to let these things go and move on. Every time I think I am going to be ok she does something else that makes me think she is cheating on me. In the last six months I have caught her in lies, not known where she is at all hours of the night, and seen a ridiculous amount of emails that are questionable. I told her not to take anymore business trips for a while if she could avoid them just to help me. She sprung a surprise trip on me at the last minute and left even when I told it will make me want to leave her if she did. She didn't care and said that she need space from me. When she got back she asked me to move out of our house because she needed space. The most recent event that hurt me was this last Saturday when I asked to borrow her laptop and she had to do "something" to it first. I wasn't intending to look at her email but I couldn't resist. I found an email that she was trying to hide from me in an odd place. The contents of the email were harmless but the fact that she was hiding it from me after I had asked her to not email this man anymore, made my heart sink again.
There is so much I could write a book. Everything that I have said is just the basics. Nothing is different then six months ago. At one point we did go to an idiot marriage councilor that said since I didn't have any proof she was cheating on me she had done nothing wrong. I asked her about the lies and improper behavior. She just smiled and said "honey, those are just white lies and everyone has those". She wasn't a Christian councilor so that was my first mistake. We are going to go to another councilor soon so I hope it goes better this time.
I am a strong Christian and if it were not for God I would have left a long time ago. The Lord has told me that everything will be alright and with time things will heal. Even though everything has been very hard and I have just about broken under the stain I have become much closer to God. The main reason I am on here today is just to vent and to tell others that no matter what, God can turn something so hard into something so sweet. Please be praying for my wife and I.
1 Corinthians 10:13 </SPAN>No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
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