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Old 1st April 2013, 07:25 PM   #1
freddie
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 139
How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Hello, I have been here before. I have a long story so I will cut it as short as possible. I may have to come back here to give more information. For those who do not want to read it all, I am looking for advice as to how to interpret my wife's view of our marriage, which made her unhappy to the point of setting about looking for another man.

My wife and I have been married 10 years. We have two wonderful daughters aged 9 and 4. We have had a bit of a stormy relationship but we stuck together. The recession hit us hard and caused damage to the relationship. My wife has really always acted recklessly but I learned to live with that and, recently, I decided that if I wanted to continue to be with her I had no option but to accept her exactly as she is. However, after talking to other people about her actions and her difficult childhood (she was abused by her mother) I have decided that she needs therapy. I started telling her as far back as 1 year ago, but she has always accused me of telling her that she is crazy. I keep repeating that therapy is not for crazy people and I have had it myself, it helps.

Among her reckless actions, she has turns when she is angry: she screams, goes around breaking things (including the kids' things) and swears at me. Last year she kept saying that she could not stand "this sh1tty life" and that she wanted a divorce but she never told me exactly what she was unhappy about. I have a bad temper too and used to fight with her but, at the end of last year, I downloaded information about anger management and now I can control it and I do not fight back with her but I try to calm her down. She treats the girls badly too, screaming at them this is the result of her background about her mother and her unhappiness with the marriage.

I have been less than a perfect husband and this led her to her next reckless actions: about a year ago she started flirting with other men. Last summer she finally got involved with one. She thought she had found another man and told her close friends. He used her for sex and then dumped her. It was a short lived affair but still she was furious and yet she did not stop. I only found out this at Christmas time last year. In November 2012, I started suspecting she was having an affair. I confronted her early in January and she told me she was in love and that she was leaving us to go to him. Another fictitious romance. I made her feel guilty about the girls and then she started planning on taking the girls too! She has been talking about divorce, to go to this man, but I am still waiting for the papers.

Two weeks ago, partly as a result of my actions to intervene in the affair, they broke up. I want to believe that it was mutual decision but he may have dumped her as a result of his finding out about her lying to him through my actions. I believe she may have agreed because she had become religious and she may have started feeling bad about the affair. I do not know, she will not tell me for a long time. The fact that she only attracted shallow men was her own fault: she turned herself into a glamorous and dumb blonde, to attract men, and it was the men looking at her appearance only that she attracted.

Now for the part where I need to find out whether I should seek reconciliation due to the fact I want to help her with her problems in her mind and because she may have a genuine claim to me making her unhappy. Naturally she says she does not love me and she still does not repent of what she has done to her whole family, not just to me. Yet another reckless action by my wife: she took me to court (not about the divorce) and she wrote a long statement about exactly why she has been unhappy with the marriage in recent years. This document is invaluable to me to try and save our marriage as it allows me to see, through her eyes, what she never told me. I found some things, which I did, that seem to have really affected her - maybe more than they should due to her needing therapy.

If she was not happy, she should have divorced me first and then look for another man. Now I think she is scared: she has no other man and she believes she is about to lose me. I have told her I agree to the divorce and that is it. But it is really not that true, I still love her very much, she is the mother of my children and I want to keep our family together. Other men will simply not see that she needs therapy, they will only fall for her looks. I genuinely want to help her with her need for therapy and unhappiness but she has to agree to it. Also, she has to repent of what she has done and swear never to do it again. I have told her that, when she finally agrees to talk to me extensively, I will discuss with her in every detail what she wrote on that document, I will apologise where I agree and I will make all necessary changes to be a better husband and make her happy. I have started making changes, anyhow, like not getting angry and fighting with her as well as giving full help around the house, I have become a house-husband while still being the main provider.

I cannot communicate with her at present. We sleep in separate rooms and do not talk. She is furious with me for my part in the end of her fairytale romance. I will have to wait until she comes out of her affair fog and starts seeing reason and realise what she has done to all of us. I am very convincing with my sincerity but, at the moment, she completely refuses to hear me as she knows she will hear reason and the truth. I have an idea for the future to try and rekindle our relationship: I will court her again and start from zero as, effectively, I have already lost her, but many things would have to happen before. She has been rather cruel but I want to believe it is because of her problems in her mind. She was bad tempered but not cruel in the first 9 years of our marriage.

Any helpful comments and advice will be welcome. The main thing is how to pave the way for her to see, sooner rather than later I hope, that she does have a good man trying to patch things up and make her happy.

Thank you

Last edited by freddie; 1st April 2013 at 08:17 PM.
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