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Old 14th February 2010, 03:23 AM   #1
elaine1856
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Another I love you but speech

I can’t believe so many people are going through a similar thing to me! I don’t know if I should be posting here because I’m not married but I will anyway. I was engaged up until some time in the last few weeks. I’ve totally lost track of time and he never actually bothered to say ‘oh and by the way you can dump those wedding magazines’. We’ve been together 6 years, lived together for most of that and just moved into our new house in September. He asked me to marry him in November. Then he gave me The Speech. The I love you but I’m not in love with you one. Actually I had to drag it out of him because he just wouldn’t tell me what was wrong but he’d been avoiding sleeping with me since Christmas. Then for good measure he added in that he doesn’t fancy me anymore, that we’re more like best friends, he doesn’t think counselling will help, he’s been thinking about this for ages and he thinks maybe we need a break. That this is the first time he’s been imagining his future without me. I’m so totally angry with him I don’t know where to start. I know this is insanely naïve but I really had no idea this happens to people. That someone just basically walks away because as he said a switch in his head just flipped and he doesn’t know why. It was nothing I did he says and he’d only be going to counselling to keep me happy. It didn’t even occur to me to ask him if there was someone else until the counsellor asked me. He said no but to be honest the way he said it I’m just not sure, there are other things that are making me suspicious now but I know paranoia is not going to get me anywhere. Our whole relationship he was the one who wanted to get married, move to the country, have a family. He was even the one picking out baby names. I totally got into it all after a while but as soon as I do he just walks away like it was nothing. He didn’t even comment that I’ve taken my ring off.

The counsellor is really nice and supportive but she’s trying to get me to work out what I want and I just have no idea. One minute I want to just walk away but then I feel guilty because I do still love him and maybe he does want to work it out. I think everyone around me thinks I’m being delusional and that he has no intention of staying, that he just doesn’t want to have the guilt of doing the breaking up. We’re stuck in the same house and in a weird way it’s nice because it’s so familiar. But he’s just keeping me in limbo saying he needs some time to see if his feelings come back enough to try going to counselling. I can’t believe that he has so little interest in a relationship that has been so great for this long and that he has so little respect for me that he thinks I’ll just sit around waiting for him to sense some feelings magically returning. I feel a bit ridiculous being so devastated about this after reading people with really long marriages and kids together having the same thing happen to them. I had no idea my relationship depended on some switch in his head and I’m so relieved to know I’m not the only one. In a way all I want is to understand what happened, but then I wonder if that really matters in the end. I know I would never have done this to him, that my commitment to him wasn’t conditional on some magic spark. The thing is that if I can’t trust him again, and I can’t, then why would I ever trust anyone again? If I got him so badly wrong then this could all just happen again with someone else. Even if he wants to stay with me, which I’m starting to realize he really might not, how does anyone trust someone who’s betrayed them like that again? I got this book called ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ and the authors thing is that relationships like this can be fixed. But that just makes me feel so much worse for absolutely not believing that. He didn’t need to tell me that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, he didn’t need to ask me to marry him at a time when I now know he was feeling this way, and he didn’t need to tell me that everything I do now annoys him. He’s just spent months letting me work on our house, plan our garden and our wedding and telling the whole world about our engagement all the while deciding in his own head that he’d fallen out of love with me and not bothering to tell me until I asked him the right questions. How can I forgive that? I know this isn’t about me. I know there are things I could’ve done better but he’s not given me or us any chance. He never bothered to tell me.

Sorry this is a ramble. I think it reflects the state of my head. At first I just slept constantly, every bit of my body was exhausted like I ran a marathon, and I comfort ate which I’ve never done before. Now it’s worse because I don’t want to sleep, I want time to just pass faster and I couldn’t be bothered eating. I’ve lost weight which I really can’t afford to do but it just falls off me at the best of times. People envy me but I feel rubbish when I get skinnier, I get cold and I’ve no energy. I ate about a million slices of toast with jam on today because I was too lazy to make real food. I think what I really want is for someone to tell me what to do, to make my decision for me so I can stop feeling like I’m waiting for him or worrying that I’ll regret whatever decision I make. I’m just so sick of this. If relationships are this hard why does anyone bother? And then do it over and over again? There I was for the last 6 years thinking how easy it all was. God I should probably either sleep or eat now….





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Old 14th February 2010, 07:33 PM   #2
dalesman
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Re: Another I love you but speech

Elaine,
May I be the first to send my sincere sympathies to you. I know that at the moment you are just wanting to make some sense of what is going on.

It seems strange considering that it was he who wanted marriage and children ect . People do not normally reverse their hopes and ambitions so quickly and so completely. Telling you he no longer finds you attractive was gratuitously cruel. I think he most likely said this as a justification for his actions.

In my view there are two likely scenarios to explain what has happened. Either he has met someone else or he is experiencing sexual problems.
Either way you are going to have great difficulty finding the answer as he will not want to admit to either. However after so many years together you are entitled to the truth and justified in demanding he talk honestly with you and answer all your questions in order to allow you to move on.

Whatever the future please keep using this site as you will find it a huge support in the months to come.
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Old 14th February 2010, 08:17 PM   #3
crush
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Re: Another I love you but speech

Hi and sorry you find yourself here, does not matter if you are not married or have children the hurt is still the same. It is hard trying to get through each day but I promise it will get better. You deserve some answers and although he is not ready for this yet hopefully in time he will be. Usually people do not leave a long standing relationship for nothing so be prepared to accept he may have someone else, I hope for you sake he hasn't but he may well have. The reason for his cruely is guilt expect a lot more of that I am afraid he kind of gives them the justification they need for their actions!!!

There are no easy answers you just have to take it a day at a time in which you will become stronger and you will make decisions that will benefit you not him.

Keep posting on here you will get some good advice and please take care of yourself. x
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Old 14th February 2010, 10:00 PM   #4
Hopefull1983
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 135
Re: Another I love you but speech

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear you're going through what many of us on here are too going through. Reading your post was like reading my own story. A near perfect relationship ruined by this 'I love you but'. I can't sympathise enough with your want to understand things, I saw my husband today as I went to sort through my things in the house and we had a heart to heart which resulted in me making this exact point....we love each other, we were happy together this just seems pointless etc...etc. The only thing I can tell you is that no matter how much your partner tries to explain his feelings you will not understand any of this and the reason for this is that you were obviously (like the rest of us on here) fully committed to your partner and truly wanted to spend the rest of your life with him but he obviously wasn't truly committed to you and that is the only explanation.
It's good that you're seeing a counsellor though, I've just made the call myself to go see one, if anything it will help with your trust issues (I'm certainly hoping that it will help me). It's so easy to fall into the frame of mind that you need to protect yourself in any future relationship and find it hard to trust that someone else won't do this same thing to you...but hopefully counselling will help with this because my dear you deserve to be happy and true love requires both of you to give yourself fully.
At the moment your partner will say and do cruel things, I think it's their way of justifying what they're doing because they're as confused as we are. There will come a point though when things have calmed down and he'll try and give you at least some answers and stop you from feeling like the past 6 years have been a lie. This happened for me today after months of feeling like my husband never loved me and that he doesn't care about me he today convinced me otherwise. You may not necesarily feel better at this point...for me it was more confusing to hear him say that he'll always love me and that he'll never find anyone else like me but it does help with your sanity to know that he wasn't lying all of the times he said he loved you.
I don't really know what else to say. Things do get easier I promise. I'm not saying that it's going to happen overnight, I still spent the day crying my eyes out today 5 months on but the bad days become fewer and the good days start becoming actually good if that makes sense?
Thinking of you. Be strong. x
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"Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." - Nicholas Sparks

I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.
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Old 16th February 2010, 05:34 PM   #5
koliver0821
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Re: Another I love you but speech

Listen, the unfortunate part in all of this is that you both are involved. I dont necessarily agree that your fiancee met someone or is having sexual problems. It could be simpler. It could be commitment issues. Marriage is a huge step in any relationship.

Go to the counseling sessions. They will certainly help. I agree with what Hopeful has written. Unfortunately, i find myself in the same position though, we are trying to work things out. Its quite possible we wont be able to.

I wish you well and hope you are able to find some peace. It wont be an easy ride, but we are all here to help you.
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Old 17th February 2010, 01:55 PM   #6
Ageing Grace
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: Another I love you but speech

What a lousy shock, Elaine. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It's not all that unusual for people to decide to get married when they are wavering about their commitment ... insane, I know, and the wedding magazines never seem to mention this! It is possible that he felt making a 'total' commitment would resolve his feelings. Which is cruel on you, though I doubt he saw it that way.

You've been given some good advice - time is a healer. Come summer, you will be feeling very glad you didn't actually MARRY a man who wasn't sure of his feelings! That's a promise

Like you, I lived in 'limbo' for several months with my ex. It feels comforting, as you say, but I think it's ill-advised. You end up very unsure of your own feelings - when everything is the same but everything's changed, it does strange things to your spirit and ruins your confidence. You've just suffered a massive blow to your confidence and security. For what it's worth, my advice is to kick him out (or move yourself). The longer you hang around, the less control you have over your own life - even your own thoughts, if that makes sense.

Please be kind to yourself, you have a shock to recover from and your hopes to grieve for.
Eat! That's what takeaways are for
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Old 21st February 2010, 01:39 PM   #7
elaine1856
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Posts: 6
Re: Another I love you but speech

hank you all so much for your replies. Reading them started me off crying again but it helps. Dalesman, you're spot on about the sexual problems. I have no idea why I didn't put that in my original post! He's had problems since the end of last summer. I just put it down to all the stress of moving house and his stressful new job and I didn't bring it up because I didn't know what to say that wouldn't make it worse. He was as surprised as I was when it started happening. He hasn't gone to a doctor, he headed that one off by saying that he doesn't think it's physical, but he's still not made an appointment with the counsellor either. He has high cholesterol for a few years now and I got advice from a doctor that it's likely that it's some combination of that and then it becomes a psychological issue too, with the wedding fears added on top. Knowing that might make me feel a bit better but the bottom line is that he chose to tell me that the reason he had that problem was because he just didn't fancy me anymore. I know those kinds of problems are a big deal for a man to ask for help about but he's a very big boy and he chose to dump it on me instead. It's the most convenient explanation for him.

I had asked for some space to be in the house by myself to allow us both to think. Twice now he's agreed and then turned up in the house again. When I put it to him politely that he agreed to stay at his mothers (who lives a mile away), he just says 'I changed my mind, I didn't like staying there and all my stuff and my clothes are here'. This week he even got angry with me for saying that, stormed to his room and slammed the door. When I went in and said 'You seem angry at me?' (He can't handle anger at all) his response was yeah I am, it's my house too and I don't have to go if I don't want to. I discovered that that's called passive aggression, which makes sense because he can't say what he's really angry about or why. I don't think he actually knows.

I've pretty much made my decision to break up with him now. He won't do either of the only two things I've asked: to go to counselling and to move out for a week. More importantly, he's not even giving me the respect and dignity of an explanation. He agrees, then he doesn't, then he does, but he never actually makes an appointment. I'm giving myself a week away with my sister to think about it. This morning though I asked him what he'd been thinking about because we hadn't talked all week properly. He said that he was thinking pretty much along the same lines as he was, that he doesn't feel any differently. I also asked him what his family were saying about it. He said his brother was just asking him if he was really sure and that it was a big decision. Which tells me what I suspected all along, that he has already made a decision, he just won't tell me. Instead he's backing me into a corner so I have no choice but to make it.

I had a list of questions I wanted to ask him to try to find some answers. Then I realized that I'd already asked the important ones and the answers I've got together with his behaviour really tell me all I need to know. He's not telling me the truth and as the counsellor said I may never know exactly what happened, but I know enough to know that he's already left me, he doesn't want to work on this relationship and that leaves me no choice. He's not ready for commitment, and if he can't handle the stress we've been through so far then how would he have behaved when we faced real challenges in life? All kinds of terrible things happen to people in life, things a lot worse than what he's facing right now, and if this is the only response he can come up with then that's not good enough for me. All he had to do was turn to me, to treat me as an equal partner, and I've never given him any reason to believe that I wouldn't have been there for him. I know I'll forgive him, not just for my own sake to not carry around anger with me, but because if the only way he can cope with this is to run away rather than learn from it, then he'll carry his problems with him and someday he'll learn that. I do still love him and I feel awful that I can't help him. But he doesn't want my help, and I don't know where to start. I'm not a counsellor and I have my limits. I guess I've been feeling guilty for deciding to break it off, but after the conversation this morning that's gone.

AgeingGrace you're so right about living together killing your spirit. It's horrible now. Evertime he's on the phone late at night, home late from work, on the internet typing with the door closed, which it never is, I find myself wondering who he's confiding in and what they're saying about me. I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter. He's made up a story that makes things easier for him and I know whoever it is that he's not telling them the whole story. It is getting to my confidence too. In my head I know it's not true that no one will ever find my attractive again, but I don't feel it. Unfortunately I really am stuck in this house. I have friends with couches I can escape to a little, but this is a long term thing. The house needs to be finished to be sold, which could take, oh, forever, and we're probably in negative equity and it may not sell for a long time whatever the price. I'm going to be positive though. I don't care about money or debt, and there are promotions due at work soon so no matter what some day I'll have enough to pay my share of the mortgage and rent for my own little place too. Everything passes doesn't it. My lovely counsellor says I'm dealing with this really well but I actually feel guilty about that now too! I have a feeling it'll all hit me again at some point. At the moment I'm not thinking about all our plans and all the good times but random things remind me of him and it starts me crying again. Thank you all so much for your thoughts.
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Old 21st February 2010, 03:35 PM   #8
dalesman
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Re: Another I love you but speech

Elaine,
When a man encounters sexual problems it is the most devastating thing in the world. Its difficult for a woman to appreciate just how devastating.
Your partner will be having difficulty admitting he has a problem even to himself , so the idea of admitting it to you or a councilor is totally out of the question in his mind. The easy way out is to blame you and to call off the wedding. In this way he avoids confronting the issue. I am sure from what you have said about him in previous posts that deep inside he still loves you but can see no other way of dealing with his problem.

From you point of view you must avoid feeling that any of this is your fault and stop damaging your self image. As a woman you are conditioned to believe that men are up for it any time, any place and anywhere. So when confronted by a man who does not want sex you automatically wonder if you may be to blame. The truth is that men's sexuality is very delicate. One failure or one bad sexual experience leads to confidence issues and further failures are an inevitable consequence.

I do not believe there is much to be gained by him seeing a councilor , he needs to have the courage to speak to you and go and see his doctor.
At the very least its fortunate that this has happened now and not after you got married and by the sound of it you have already decided to move on.

My very best wishes for the future.
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