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Old 19th September 2016, 09:29 PM   #1
Adviceseeker
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Unhappy Marriage Problems While Deployed

Good Evening everyone,

Little about myself. Been serving in the military for 17 years. I met my wife in 2007, married in 2009. Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs. My wife just graduated LPN school a month after I deployed in April. The problems I am having is before I left in April, my wife caught me texting another female. The only reason I was texting her was because I felt she wasn't showing me attention plus she was hanging out every now and then with a guy (Who she says is married). I felt alone and I did what I did because I was lonely. The night before I deployed we talked about the issues and I was upfront on why I did it. So now I been deployed for 5 months. The first month or so everything seemed to be alright. We would FaceTime and all that. The past few months, messages stopped coming and and she became more distant. She started taking a liking in different activities she's never done and also been hanging around classmates and the Guy from her class. She said they went to the movies with my kids and ate dinner. Being that I never met him, I told her I thought that was really disrespectful. She's been doing other activities with him as well. It seems like everytime we talk, it's an argument now and she brings up the past issues we had. Today I asked if she even loved me anymore and she said"I love you as a person, but Idk if I'm in love with you" cause of the issues we had. She had mentioned before about separating but insisted she didn't want a divorce. I just feel we have no foundation now. I told I was sorry for not appreciating the things I took for granted(Cleaning house ect). We do have 2 Children together. I know I'm not perfect and being deployed made me realize I was a crappy husband and I want to fix it. She tells me "I can't predict the future". Lastly, I come back from deployment in Jan and leave in April to PCS to Connecticut. She said if she gets in school in NC for RN she plans on staying there...I feel like my life is turned upside down. I wanna make this work but I feel like I am the only one who wants it but yet she said she doesn't want to rush into a divorce. I feel confused and don't know what to do. Any words of wisdom would be of help. Thank you for your time.
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Old 21st September 2016, 05:53 PM   #2
TJW
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Re: Marriage Problems While Deployed

It sounds to me as if she has "moved on" emotionally to another man. It sounds also like
this was at least transitional back before your deployment.

Not wanting a divorce is absolutely not the same thing as wanting your marriage. "can't predict the future" is a cop-out. While no one is guaranteed tomorrow, we promise each other in marriage that we will "be there" and that we will "forsake all others". We cannot
"predict" things which are not under our control, however, we can "predict" our choices.

This is her way of informing you that she doesn't intend to "be there" where you are concerned. She may be afraid of a divorce financially, getting her RN should help that considerably, as well as helping you get out of it without spousal support. Of course, you will have to support your children.

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is the classic line of the adulterer.

My advice is this. You need to lay down the law. She STOPS seeing the other man for any reason, NOW, and FOREVER, and comes back to you and honors the promises she made when she became your wife. If she is unwilling to do this, then you have no more reason for confusion, your marriage is over. Divorce is nothing but a legal formality, the marriage has already ended.

Quote:
She had mentioned before about separating but insisted she didn't want a divorce.
There is a term for this, "cake-eating". To translate this statement, she wants to have free rein to see her paramour while you continue to support her financially and be her built-in babysitter.

Quote:
I just feel we have no foundation now.
You are correct. Your foundation is broken. I am not saying it can't be mended, but it will take time, professional help, and lots of communication between you two.

Quote:
I told I was sorry for not appreciating the things I took for granted(Cleaning house ect).
Yes, there will come a time when apologies for the things you did to cause marital troubles are appropriate. However, please recognize that your actions did not cause her adultery. That is 100% "on her". Those are HER CHOICES, just like your choice to text the other female.

Yes, you may have indeed, and with good reason, felt disrespected by her. That is the reason people commit adultery. Disrespect. So, you received the message she sent loud and clear.

Your wife knew you were in the military and would be deployed for long periods of time. You were in the military when you met her. Nothing has changed. She has no excuses to do what she is doing, it is simply borne of selfishness and sin. She has chosen, as did you, to go outside her marriage for her "strokes".

Last edited by TJW; 21st September 2016 at 06:10 PM.
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Old 22nd September 2016, 10:07 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Marriage Problems While Deployed

TJW speaks a lot of sense which I agree with. Marriage doesn't work without faithfulness. I don't know if all this started because you texted another woman. That could be an excuse to do what she's doing if she needed one. One could ask does she want a marriage or not. Hanging around this fellow is not conducive to the marriage. It does give an appearance of something happening and is not wise behaviour if she is married to you.

It's difficult to know what is going on when you are not there. It is so easy for her to stray when you are out of the way. If she valued her marriage she would be contacting you regularly to keep the fire burning, so it does kind of look on the surface that things are not all what they should be. You need to find out what is going on by observing her when you next get the chance. Commitment and faithfulness is so important. Above even feelings. To say I love you but am not in love with you shows me someone who is ruled by emotions. A person that might be prepared to let her feelings lead where she wants even at the expense of her marriage.
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Old 24th September 2016, 09:46 PM   #4
TJW
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Re: Marriage Problems While Deployed

Quote:
That could be an excuse to do what she's doing if she needed one.
It is absolutely an excuse. My wife cheated on my with (known) 3 different men. In that day, there was no such thing as a "text message" and email was only used by computer-literate people.

Even though my wife had full-blown affairs with at least 3 men, I never cheated on her, nor ever went anywhere alone, nor corresponded, with any other woman in any way. I was not "licensed" to cheat because she did.


Quote:
If she valued her marriage she would be contacting you regularly to keep the fire burning
Yes. She is not the first military wife who has faced her husband's deployment, and countless other wives, even those with children, have dealt with it as a God-fearing, loving, sacrificial woman.
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Old 24th September 2016, 11:42 PM   #5
chosen
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Re: Marriage Problems While Deployed

I think that the other mans wife needs to do know what husband is doing.
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Old 26th September 2016, 06:54 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Marriage Problems While Deployed

Good point if it was possible. It could take the wind out of his sails.
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