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Old 4th December 2007, 07:01 PM   #1
Faith1
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More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

As some of you may already know from my previous posts, I have met a muslim man and I am Catholic. I have only known him for about 2 weeks. I am quite smitten by him. He does seem to be very sincere and honest.

Last week, he told me that in December 13-Jan 12, he is going to Dubai with his family for a family reunion. He wanted to be totally upfront and honest with me. He said that his mother also had the intention of introducing him to some potential women for him to marry perhaps??? He said he wanted to be totally honest, and he did not know what would happen. He said that as long as it did not pain me or him, he wanted to continue to see me as we both feel we have a strong connection. In the event that nothing transpires in Dubai, he wishes to continue to see me.

I told him, I was leary, but in the end hopefully we would remain strong friends. I truly wished him happiness and hope he would find someone worthy of his love and sincerity. He also wished the same for me, and told me that if things did not work out with him, that i would find someone worthy of me as well. I said i understood he had family obligations and cultures and traditions that had to be upheld. He said, that he would give that all up in an instant if he had to make a choice. I said, regardless of what happens, if he does find someone whom he 'connects' with there, I would give him a lovely wedding gift, and wish him all the best in his future.

I am hesitant to get intimate with him. We have kissed, cuddled, but that is about it. He said he wants to spend as much time with me as possible until the time he leaves (Dec 13). I was a bit leary, and thought that it could muddle his thinking of when he does meet these ladies in Dubai..........but he said he wants to take that chance. Even if we don't get too intimate, he said he is willing to do whatever it takes so that he and I don't get hurt. I said ultimately my happiness for him is the most important thing and I wanted the best for him.

It is quite a quandry as you can understand. But, honestly i told him feel blessed that we have crossed paths for the little time that we have known each other, and we were brought to together for a reason........even if we are not meant to be together.

My question,........although his intentions seem sincere...........may his intentions not be all that what they 'appear to be'. My policy is usually not be become intimate with someone unless at least 2-3 months of knowing the person has passed. I asked him if there were any muslim laws that forbade him from dating other gals if there is the intention of him potentially being introduced to his future wife???

Shall I hold off becoming physically more intimate with him, until such time as he returns from Dubai.......otherwise., i may risk getting hurt.

Any advice please????

Thanks to all.
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Old 4th December 2007, 07:28 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

It seems to be stay here in case I can't get a girl in Dubai, but let me still use you in the meantime.

I would definitely not counsel you to sleep with him and as this is the christian part of the site I would say do not sleep with anyone until you are married to them. The bible calls it fornication, sleeping around outside of marriage I mean.

You seem like a moth being drawn to fire almost wanting to get burned.

Raymond
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Old 4th December 2007, 10:57 PM   #3
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Yes Raymond, those are sage words. I have made a decision not to be intimate with him. If he was to come back engaged and I had been, I would be heart broken. I think the best approach is to stay friends with him. He indicated if he did not 'click' with someone in Dubai, he wished to continue seeing me...........provided I have not found someone in the meantime.

Thank you for your advice.
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Old 6th December 2007, 10:39 PM   #4
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Faith1

By the number of postings I think you are besotted with this man after knowing him two weeks. That causes me to question your emotional stability overall. It is not reasonable that amount of energy/emotions get invested that fast on someone you don't know and saw a couple of times.

I think you need to get some counselling and it seems the rest of your life is dropped in the ashes while you fixate on this guy. Red light, red light..you will overwhelm a man with that much pursuit. You have nothing going on elsewhere as work and a life? Things are so unwise in how you have done things so far. I see disaster ahead. STOP. Perhaps you should talk to your minister or someone older whose opinion you respect. They will tell you that self protection would advise to STOP fixating on this person. Regardless of the advise you get here you seem intent to run head first into a meat grinder. There seems to be elements of self destruction in your crash forward into a terrible situation. You will be hurt.

I doubt you can talk to parents who are either not around for you or who you think will have harsh judgment about this situation. Sorry, they would be right. Don't throw yourself away again. Find some structure and pursue some goals other than hooking up. You just are not stable.
Just like MOM I am concerned
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Old 7th December 2007, 04:20 AM   #5
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Thanks again for your wise words 1aokgal............you are actually 1greatgal, and i appreciate the way in which your words give such clarity to the matter. Yes, you are quite right.......i need to protect myself, and start looking after me.

Take care, and God Bless
Faith1
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Old 7th December 2007, 08:09 AM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Dear Faith1.....

It is hard to be single and try to find a decent man worthy of a second look. Sometimes we see what we want to see. Despite what we hear when a man tells us we can never be important to him. He looks for a Muslim gal. That translates this way...he says...I will keep you on the side while I pursue marriage elsewhere.

Who has time to waste out of life to hook up with someone who has intent elsewhere? While one is all invested in him, he intends to marry elsewhere. I find that a real turn off for a guy to tell me I could never mean anything to him but a peice on the side. That does not stroke the ego or fill a need to be loved. i think you know what you need but you try awful hard to get this man to fill the picture. He is a far cry from the right man who will stick around and love you and plan a life with you. You tried before to get it right and it failed. This time you need to give love a chance with the right one. That is so you can grow old together and sit in matching rockers.

Love is building a life together. It means you share the same likes and dislikes and have close family. This man can never be that for you. He might be a charmer ..but he is the wrong one. I say DON't pursure a "friendship" there as it is a waste of time and will pull you into sexual confusion. Don't give into that weakness. Most young women experience just what you find..it gets lonely. This is great time to work on personal issues as weight, grooming, classes, or any self improvement.

Develop positive friendships with other women and go to concerts, get out and walk the trails, bike, play tennis, etc. By the way, that is a GREAT place to meet a man..on the tennis courts, in classes or most outdoor activities. Don't be a hot house flower but get out and see the world. You also will gain confidence and will find you don't "NEED" a man. Needy women attract the worst men! Capable, intelligent, independent women find the same kind of man.

I really hope you work things out and use your head about what is best for you.
Worries about you like MOM
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Old 7th December 2007, 04:36 PM   #7
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Once again 1aokgal..........your words are truly appreciated and resonate deeply with me.

Thank you so much for being my guardian angel!

Faith1
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Old 8th December 2007, 02:29 AM   #8
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Faith1........

You sound like a lovely young woman with a kind heart. YOu just need to develop a bit more confidence AND self protection. It is easy to make a mistake that you pay for the rest of your life.

God bless.
Just like MOM
PS Where IS your mom?
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Old 8th December 2007, 06:03 PM   #9
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Hello again 1aokgal. You were asking about my mom.........unfortunately she is afflicted with Alzheimers and no longer recognizes me and due to her condition is quickly deterioriating. My father passed away in 2004, he was elderly......84 years of age. My mom is currently 84, but she is happy in her own little world i suppose.

Again, thank you so much for kind people like yourself to give me good advice in regards to putting myself first and protecting myself and my son from any potential harm.

God Bless you.
Faith1
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Old 8th December 2007, 07:26 PM   #10
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Dear Faith1....

So sorry about your mother. I understand this sad disease. My mother, 92, resides in a facility 4 hours away. She is in a locked ward with Dementia. I call her often and she seems pretty good. She told me she drove to town to shop. NO, but if that is a pleasant dream than I wish I could drive there too. I see she is losing ground as the disease progresses.

Sad story with my mother. She got conned to sign over her house, belongings over to stepbrother/step sister. He has Power of Attorney and they got it all then put her in a facility. My husband and I are not allowed to take her in a wheelchairout fot lunch or short drive. Hrt doctor approves outings but the brother left orders she cannot go. She will be disppointed when I see her next week. Seems now I need to consult an attorney to challenge this order and ask for accounting of her funds/expenses. I see little is spent to maintain her in a nicer residence home. Staff is fine but less than her funds would provide for her last years. there is mo reaon to bar her from an outing. I am the older daughter. I plan to ask for an account for her effects/jewelry which was considerable. If it was sold then it should have been for her care.

I wish your parents were there for you. I understand the loneliness you must feel. Any other family? Where do you live? I am in Virginia Beach, Va., a tourist resort area. It is lovely and mild for winters. My mother is up north near mountains and Washington, DC. Pretty area and now some light snow there.

Do you live alone? I have a daughter nearby who is 32 and grandchild. She works a lot of hours and attends University classes. The girl is very focused to the future. I help care for her 9 year old while her mom works nights. The child stays here so I can drive her to school in the AM. My daughter is too busy now to think about a man in her life for some years. Her schedule is a killer but great for the future for the two of them.

Hope you are doing OK.
Consider me a friend
like MOM

Last edited by 1aokgal; 9th December 2007 at 10:42 AM.
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Old 10th December 2007, 12:09 AM   #11
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Thank you once again 1Aokgal. You are truly an angel and I appreciate all your kind words of support. Yes I do have some friends that I can talk to.

As you said, perhaps i need to expand my social network, work on building new interests, hobbies etc. Tis better to be alone than involved with someone who is unsuitable/mismatched and miserable..........been there, done that with my first marriage!

Take care,
Faith1
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Old 10th December 2007, 08:18 AM   #12
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Think of the coming of Christmas in all it's beauty and what you have in your Christian faith that this is the time of the birth of Christ. There is something so magical in this time and for you it is a chance to spend a happy time with your child. You get out and go to some carol singing or other events around this time and share with friends.

Remember people of Muslim faith do not recognize this tradition or belief. Can you imagine to have life without the joy of Xmas? It is not about trees or presents but how we do things for others and enter into the feeling of the time. You work on self improvement as change your hair, spark up the look and be bright as a penny and you will find your confidence will increase. Never again settle for what is half right in your life. Make good decisions. I don't know if you are in a place where you can look into a singles group through your church? Many have good social outings as picnics and events to attend. It is good way to meet others male and female.

I get the feeling from your posting you are getting it now! Hurray, that you think about what you really need in life. I believe that you will meet the right person in time. Don't throw yourself away on bad prospects that will hurt you and your child. I sorted through some of that in my own life and it is a path you have to choose the right way.
Hoping things are going OK for you.

My friend and I are going to spend 2 days in Williamsburg, a restored historical town on the 27th. We will stay at the pretty bed & breakfast place . The area will be all decorated for Xmas. We plan to dress in our Victorian outfits for part of the day. We will tour the area and ride in horse and buggy. then we will dine in one of the old tavern there. Good friends are a wonderful gift. We can discuss close issues and have fun. Yes, the husbands are watching the animals and we, ladies are getting away. Think that is a good idea? She decided that was how we would spend some time together for Xmas. Such a great idea.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 10th December 2007 at 08:31 AM.
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Old 10th December 2007, 05:09 PM   #13
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Hi there 1aokgal.........sounds like a wonderful plan for the ladies to get away and spend some time together. Nice break from the husbands I am sure.

As you said before, I am trying to keep busy....Mr. Muslim is leaving this Thursday for Dubai..........I know, I still talk about him because he is very charming and we seem to have a connection, and you are right in thinking in all probability, there is no future here.

He did visit me on Saturday, had a nice time......and no we did not get intimate.......but said we would remain friends. The thing that got me was he said on Sunday he would call and visit me, he did not and I ended up calling him around 8pm, asking if everything was ok as he said he was going to come by. He appologized and said he felt tired from the whole week and having worked Saturday as well. He seemed tired, and under a great deal of stress with having to work, get ready for his trip and everything.

He then said he wanted to visit me................I basically said to him, please do what you have to do, with the limited time you have. Focus on doing your stuff. I mentioned I had a Bon Voyage gift for him, and if he doesn't get a chance to visit, it will be a post Bon Voyage gift.

I'm no longer initiating ANY further contact from him. Moving on........i can still return the gift lol. As you said, could be I was the go-to girl in the hopes of getting lucky...............i will keep you posted as this entire thing unfolds. It seems his words and actions are clearly out of sync....says one thing..............does another. However, I've also learned that men, when under stress deal with things differently than us women do..........they withdraw.........whereas we like to talk things out.

So I am giving him all the space he needs.....................perhaps indefinately. Again I will keep you posted..............but am keeping myself busy!

Happy Holidays to you!
Faith1
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Old 10th December 2007, 11:36 PM   #14
1aokgal
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

Faith1...

Who is saying one thing and doing another? you are STILL leaving the door open for him to visit you. Mistake, mistake. Call it OVER. He does not want to put a whole lot of work into this thing..you..an objective. Buy him a gift? Why? For what? He is somebody else's man...face unknown ..but he is taken. Do not be an emotional pushover. I really hate to tell you but the Muslim men have a TERRIBLE view of Christian women as whores, sluts. No chaperone needed and she will put out easy. He should be saying I am going to meet and marry another as in that culture. It is expected of him. It is NOT our way.

spend your energy doing things for you and holidays and don't sit around and wait for leftovers. You will be bitterly disappointed. He truly is not your friend. friends don't place others in a bad position. He would not drop in on a Muslim woman and expect friendship where there is no emotion from him. He is not what you think he is. Charming, attractive..yes. Mysterious, interesting ...but toxic. Read forum about other women who got involved with these men. Sure unhappy.
Wants better for you
1aokgal
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Old 11th December 2007, 04:16 PM   #15
Faith1
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Re: More Advice Needed Please! Greatly appreciated!

1aokgal.........i know what you are saying...........he left about 9 videos here............what should i do with them? Why would he just leave them with me........was he really stringing me along?

He seemed to respect my boundaries, and said regardless of what happens, he want to remain friends with me...............that is why i am so conflicted..........he seemed genuine in that regard until the weekend......but he said he had a lot to do in very short period of time.

I have not initiated any further contact. But these videos...............now what? Is that an excuse for him to come back to visit me?? I don't get it?

I know i sound like a confused person.........and that is because i am. How can he blow hot and cold so quickly. I'm glad at least he did not 'shag' me.........i would feel cheap and used, and also in light of the way in which he has 'poofed and disappeared'.

Tormented and confused
Faith1

Last edited by Faith1; 11th December 2007 at 04:17 PM. Reason: punctuality
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