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Old 1st September 2012, 12:59 AM   #1
rky73
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About to seperate is there hope still?

I am new to these forums. I have been married 13 years and 2 kids.

Brief history is that my Wife announced she was not happy in December but not sure why. She needed to think things over and not sure how she felt. In February it came to a head. Wife admitted she did not know how she felt about me and that it was a number of things that had chipped away at her emotional to the point were she was confused about how she felt. She had a short 3 day break away with a mutual girlfriend.

During the 3 days she spent away I reflected on what she said. Me not being supportive enough, not appreciating her and feeling like she was not no 1 in my priorities. Our youngest son is disabled and my Wife had to give up work when he was born. She also felt unhappy with her life and has always hated the fact that she had to give up working. I over compensated by putting too much into my work to ensure we had enough income to support us all. Trouble is I did neglect my Wife, got incredibly stressed and now I am left thinking it was all for nothing.

After the 3 days away she came back full of heart wanting to make things work etc and things were great. However, because things got back to normal so quickly I lost focus on some of the changes I made in myself and in June those feelings started all over again with my Wife. She admits she is not completedly blameless, has not spoken up in the past etc etc. I have also said 1 or 2 things I regret in the heat of arguments in the past which have made me cringe. I am not an angry person - its just I did say some nasty things in a couple of arguments. Obviously I have apologised for this.

We had I thought always had a good sex life but she is now doubting this as well. Something when she came back from 3 days away said she still enjoyed sex with me.

So this second time around I changed things properly but I think it is too late. She announced last weekend she loves but not in love with me, that she has lost respect for me which has affected her feelings and how she sees me. She wanted to seperate and is now making plans to leave with the youngest. The eldest starts Uni in September and we have agreed not to change anything until then. He does know about the seperation. My youngest cannot talk as part of his disability problems.

Now I can see most of what she is saying. But she has got to the point where she sees nothing but bad in our relationship. Occasionally she will make the comment though that there have been some really good times. She appreciates the efforts I have made these last 2 months but it has not changed how she feels. She also says she could carry on living with me forever but needs more. There are still other aspects of her life she is unhappy with - relationships with her family (they have never been close or supportive with out disabled son), wanting a life of her own etc etc. I have suggested my working part time and other options to get her a life but she makes excuses as to why they won't work.

Basically I think I have already lost her.

Problem is she is and has always been the love of my life and I would do anything to stop this. I am trying to hold back on pushing because I know this will drive her away. She has not mentioned divorce yet but I feel that is the next step. When I mentioned it she said she had not even thought that far ahead.

I am accepting it is over but would like some advice/guidance on whether there is any hope, how should I behave in these difficult circumstances and even if we seperate is there any possibility or anything I can do to win her back.

Please no affair paranoia as I did originally wonder if this was the case so did some extensive investigation and found nothing. I also asked her re anyone else and I believe her. Besides I wonder where she would get the time from with caring for our son full time.
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Old 1st September 2012, 03:12 AM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: About to seperate is there hope still?

Dear RKY,

Welcome to the forum. It sounds as if you love your wife very much but she has been trapped with caring for the disabled child and you have overcompensated with your work input for the same reason. If you are struggling to make a living for all of you now, I wonder how she thinks there can be a separation? She will be unable to work unless there is care giving for the child to enable that. Obviously, you can't support two separate households.

It seems some of the dynamics would improve if there was a daycare arrangement for the child for a few days whereby she could work at least part time. It is hard to have no stimulus for her intellectual abilities and growth when she cannot interact with others. Have you looked into some situation for the child so she can get out?

I read how arguments turned into a chance to throw all the garbage. TSK-TSK..remember that names/insults remain behind in the air long after the transient event that caused the discord is resolved. Remember that one never reaches to destroy anothers confidence or belittle them with things that can never truly be unsaid. Let it be written in stone that you respect each other even when anger takes over. You can talk about the issues and not the person. If yelling is happening, nobody is listening, and time out is needed. A brief walk around the block is a good cooler and you might suggest to walk together, so long as the discussion goes into sleep mode for the time. Anger management is a great skill and the mark of a civilized person.

It seems from your history that you both are nice people who care about each other. You have a huge burden to manage to carry with an ill child. You both must work together to get through this. You are out of the house days and she has a lock-in situation, so no wonder her 3 days away was such an escape. Maybe you take care on a weekend and let her take a movie with a friend or get shopping time? She needs some time away. It must be difficult for her to feel feminine/appealing when she is caring for a child where she can't see improvement. It happens to many, as a friend of mine years ago, whose marriage teetered for the same reasons. They were able to arrange some care a few days a week.

I don't think if is the end for you, but your acknowledgement that you are burdened and she the most, would be in order. She needs some appreciation for what she does and help when you can arrange to do it. If you even get a special dinner at home for the two of you perhaps you can have discussions as adults, not just parents. Too bad family is so absent because you need some loving input there. Have you ever reached out and ASKED for help? Maybe time to say you need their input. It would be great for you just to find some helping outlets.

Don't lose hope in your marriage. Try, try and try again. Love and persistance wins hearts!
Don't lose an opportunity to tell her how you feel about her. Turn off TV
and tell her she looks good and how you would never choose anyone else but her. A woman wants to hear it. :-)

Last edited by 1aokgal; 1st September 2012 at 04:33 AM.
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Old 2nd September 2012, 12:57 PM   #3
rky73
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Re: About to seperate is there hope still?

thanks for the advice. However, it is at the point where we are basically seperated but in the same house. She does not want to talk about our relationship, does not want me to go near her. Says she does not love me etc and is picking every fault possible and convincing herself that the last 13 years I have walked all over her.

I have never done this. I acknowldge a lot of things I would do differently (more support etc) and made changes but this as served to make her angrier.

I am ready to give up even though I do not want to. Nothing I can say makes any difference and she feels pressured when I try and talk to her about us.
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Old 2nd September 2012, 03:58 PM   #4
1aokgal
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Re: About to seperate is there hope still?

RKY...

Then it is on her..what she does at this point. I would tell her you are sorry she feels so badly. Tell her that you will do anything to salvage your relationship.
Ask her what she wants you to change? Don't hurt and don't help her plans, but stay steady on track. That will bother her, but it is what you promised when you married that you would be there for her. What do you do when a man won't argue or agree to leave?

Maybe she thinks again about how you remain loyal when she is mixed up and angry. Don't get baited into arguments...hear her out and tell her you will think about what she is telling you...and do that. It takes two to fight. Put all your heart and all your might into keeping on track. Help with things and don't crowd or get in her face with discussions. Just restate that you are in her corner and realize how so much has been put on her. It is hard to pull away from someone who is so steady. My advise doesn't change that you try, try and try again.
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