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Old 6th August 2013, 02:14 PM   #1
trueblue
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desperate, what next?

Well here we go….another desperate husband!!

Here’s my story I’d welcome any feedback.

We’ve been married 3 years (3 weeks ago), living together 6 years & we have known each other as firstly colleagues, then friends, lovers & finally married for over 20 years. She left an abusive marriage to her first husband to be with me.

I have spent the last year focusing far too much on my work, 14 hours a day, 6 days a week & any downtime was spent either watching football or the odd pint with my son or checking on my mother. I didn’t try to make my marriage work, didn’t spend any time with my wife & let her down completely. Due to me snoring & my wife being a light sleeper I have slept in the spare room for a long time, hence no sex. I let my marriage drift away.

I started having suspicions that she was having an affair about 9 weeks ago & after confronting my wife 6 weeks ago she admitted `meeting someone for drinks’. I immediately left the marital home & have lived in a bedsit ever since. We met a week after the initial meeting, I told her I wanted a divorce (I didn’t) & we had a heated row. In a phone conversation a week later she said she wanted time to think & she would not make a decision until she returned from a weeks holiday abroad (returned 9 days ago).

On the Saturday before she went away she told me that she had not made a decision yet & was still thinking, yet, that evening her son (who had been away) txted me to tell me goodbye, he was sorry it was all over & I had no chance of ever getting back with her. These words must have come from her as he would not make it up. Then on the Sunday I was informed (by relatives) that she had introduced her son to him…..before she went on holiday. When I txted her about these events she neither denied or confirmed them. So despite telling me she was thinking about things it seems wheels were really rolling.

Then she went on holiday (I had paid for the holiday previously & made sure she had plenty of spending money by dropping an envelope through her front door,even though we had separated), numerous txts from me nice, good, nasty, desparate, loving, apologetic, everything I could think of. She only replied to the nasty ones apart from the odd text saying she was listening to one of `our songs’ with lots of kisses! So many mixed messages so my minds in turmoil.

To cut to the chase, I collected all my clothes, at her request, on Saturday, & I have told her I want to collect everything else this coming Friday but she says shes not sure if I can as she has to sort her car out. In yesterdays texts I confirmed again how much I want to prove to her I can make it work, in the replies she said, `why didn’t you do something about it until it was too late’, `I did not want to do it but I had no choice’, `why would it have been different if we’d got back together ?’, & finally `Goodnight x’. I know I read too much into any slight meaning in a text, even if there isn’t one there!

Should I continue to plead with her, should I try & keep quiet, even though I find it impossible, I messed up so badly & love her so dearly, sorry if I sound desperate but I know I created the problem by not giving her my time. Its true you never know what you’ve lost until its not there anymore.

Thanks for listening

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Old 6th August 2013, 04:12 PM   #2
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: desperate, what next?

trueblue

There are two things that strike me. The first is that relationships/marriages that begin with one partner cheating on a previous spouse rarely last. If a person is prepared to do that to one spouse they often will do it to another. She has now cheated on both of her husbands, and you were part of that initial cheating and choose to be with a woman who clearly thought nothing of doing such an awful thing.

Secondly, I have to ask why she made the decision to marry you so recently if she was this unhappy?
Its very odd, but couples who have lived together for ages and then marry, very often have problems within a very short time of getting married. I am not sure why unless it is that once they are married they feel they have no 'get out' clause and feel trapped and panic.

I don't think that you working hard is the whole reason, I think its just as much that for her, faithfulness isn't something she thinks is that important. If she was unhappy then why not say something before, rather than go after another man? If she was that unhappy then why marry you so recently?

If someone has an affair, they will often then blame their spouse and not take responsibility for what they have done. Her saying you worked too hard or didn't do this or that is avoiding her own culpability in this matter. She choose to cheat BOTH times.

Sadly unless she sees the error of her ways, you cant do much, but she seems to be happy to have yet another marriage end. I feel very sorry for her son actually, what a confused young man he must be.
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Old 6th August 2013, 06:47 PM   #3
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: desperate, what next?

I disagree slightly. Working 14 hours a day could have partly lead to the neglect she was feeling. Nobody would be against hard work but is a fourteen hour working day necessary? Not sleeping together? You have admitted your neglect of the marriage which has made her vulnerable to this affair. Now she says why couldn't you have done something about it earlier. So it was a reluctant affair it seems, although that does not make it right as Chosen has pointed out. It seems you didn't notice the warning signs.

You are in a good place now but will she believe it? You can only try to communicate your regret and willingness to change but I wouldn't grovel. She will have to think about it but it doesn't look hopeful. You have a fighting chance.
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