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Old 6th March 2009, 05:37 AM   #1
lila
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 5
Want out of this marriage

I want a partner who is there for me when I need him:
He is always at work (he has his own business)
All he talks about is his work

I want a partner I can trust
When I do tell him something, he will go and repeat it, or find a reason to use it against me

I want a partner I can share my life with
He has no time for our family, his work is more important.

I want security and consistancy
He is an indian giver

Married about 20 years, and I am sure there were happier times, I just don't remember it anymore. I have always supported my husband in his business, I have been working for him without compensation. OK, so I do get most of what I want when I ask for it, but I always have to ask.

I want to get out of this marriage. I just don't see how to do it. He has always seen to it that I don't have money of my own, he has alienated my (few) friends and family. I don't remember when last I had a good laugh or been happy in this house.

I want a life!
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Old 6th March 2009, 08:42 AM   #2
JWD
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Re: Want out of this marriage

Have you told him all this?

Before you decide, read some books like Divorce remedy and others on marriage communication. They show how to get what you want without fighting etc.
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Old 6th March 2009, 09:26 AM   #3
lila
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Re: Want out of this marriage

I have told him all this, and more.
I have read books, gone to support groups and even see a councillor from time to time. This is something that I can't do alone anymore. I have tried to be the good loving wife, but can't do that anymore either because he just ignores any kind of approach I make. Communication has to come from two sides.
Unfortunate for me, I can't just leave. I am financially dependant on him, and I have nowhere to go.
Some days are better than others!
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Old 6th March 2009, 10:35 AM   #4
Flubber
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Re: Want out of this marriage

Hi lilia,
I tick all the boxes for you!!!

Your post sounds that this guy is controlling to the utmost. If he isn't going to acknowledge this and change, I just don't know what to do.
You can start working on yourself a bit more and be selfish. belive me, it won't take long for him to notice.

Good luck
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Old 6th March 2009, 10:43 AM   #5
JWD
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Re: Want out of this marriage

go to divorcebursting.com it gives good advice on communication. I also have an ebook on exactly that if you want to email me devastated09@googlemail.com that add is embarrassing now lol.

I'm on a driving lesson then out but will get it to you asap
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Old 6th March 2009, 02:14 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Want out of this marriage

He seems to be putting his job in front of his marriage. One cannot put anything before their wife except God, but when you do that He tells you to love your wife (bible).

Nothing wrong in earning money but the marriage relationship should never be neglected. A wife must always know she is first. There are many god and legitimate relationships to have, children, work colleagues, church etc. but a wife tops them all.

Raymond
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Old 10th March 2009, 12:40 AM   #7
Hilary
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Re: Want out of this marriage

Hi Lila

Good on you for knowing what you want. You have finally decided that you have tolerated things enough. Why not set yourself some goals and put pictures representing those goals onto a sheet of card. Start with one for goals for this year. Make the goals specific and realistic for you to be able to achieve by the end of the year (as long as you avoid hopeless and helpless).

Now is the time to become more creative. Start stashing a little of the money you do have. I presume you have access to some money for housekeeping. Even if you only have a credit card, start taking some money out so you can hold it in your hand. Put it in an envelope under the mattress or in a book. If you put it where he doesn't usually look then it is likely to be safe.

It's time to take charge of yourself and your own life. Now you know what you want you can start to work on that. Don't get too stuck on particular ways of working your ideas out. Life can be even more wonderful than you can possibly hope for at the moment. So dont limit yourself.

Do come back and talk to people on this site. They will give you great support
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Old 10th March 2009, 08:51 AM   #8
lila
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Re: Want out of this marriage

Hilary, I had to smile when I read your post! I have been taking a bit here and there as far as I can! My husband does most of the shopping, so the chances are few and far between. I don't have a bank account of my own.
My daughter has a part time job now, and dad doesn't know her salary, so I just add my little bit to hers.
It's my own fault that I am stuck in this way, and I know I should have started asserting myself more a very long time ago. I want to laugh at the idea of his reaction when he starts seeing a change in my behaviour.
I have now been applying for jobs. I have had a few "We need someone younger" replies, but I won't give up trying anymore.

JWD - thank you for all the ebooks you sent me, I am still busy reading my way through it.

Thank you everyone, it's a relief being able just to talk about this.
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Old 10th March 2009, 06:28 PM   #9
lostlove
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Re: Want out of this marriage

Hi Lila,

I just wanted to add to what everyone here has said that in some respects I am that man who is too busy for his wife. I can't speak for your husband, but I know that in my case it really takes someone to tell me plainly what they want - wife or not. With my wife I'm not good at picking up on hints or I misinterpret them and end up being accused of using them against her. Perhaps just telling him plainly what you want from him will get through?
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Old 10th March 2009, 07:04 PM   #10
karens
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Re: Want out of this marriage

hi,

I have been married for 6 month and i'm totaly lost and really want out of my marrage!
i don't think i wanted to get married anyway but as my parents paid for my wedding i felt pressured.
My husband is such a good person and kind, but i'm sure i just don't love him.
I really want to leave but how??
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Old 10th March 2009, 07:57 PM   #11
lila
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Re: Want out of this marriage

Tomorrow, the 11th March, is our 21st wedding anniversary. He will not be here. Because he has decided that it will be more fun to be out with the boys - until Sunday.

Lost Love, I don't hint. I say what I want. Ok, I used to say what I wanted. Now I don't want it anymore. If you think your wife is hinting, you must make the time to find out what she wants. Ask her. OK, don't ask her if she wants a hug, just give her a hug. Simple as that. You will not understand what a difference that can make. But then, you also said that you are too busy for your wife. That is most probably why you don't know what she needs. Think about it, where is your marraige going to be a year down the road?
I think, just as everyone has to go for drivers education before qualifying for your drivers licence, so you must also go through a few months of 'pre marraige education' and pre baby education'.
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Old 10th March 2009, 08:50 PM   #12
lostlove
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Re: Want out of this marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by lila View Post
Tomorrow, the 11th March, is our 21st wedding anniversary. He will not be here. Because he has decided that it will be more fun to be out with the boys - until Sunday.

Lost Love, I don't hint. I say what I want. Ok, I used to say what I wanted. Now I don't want it anymore. If you think your wife is hinting, you must make the time to find out what she wants. Ask her. OK, don't ask her if she wants a hug, just give her a hug. Simple as that. You will not understand what a difference that can make. But then, you also said that you are too busy for your wife. That is most probably why you don't know what she needs. Think about it, where is your marraige going to be a year down the road?
I think, just as everyone has to go for drivers education before qualifying for your drivers licence, so you must also go through a few months of 'pre marraige education' and pre baby education'.
I understand where you are coming from with this and, really, it is something I'm working on. That said, you say that I don't know what she needs because I'm too busy, but the problem is that if I make myself less busy, then the family has less money and we are scraping by as things are. It's a vicious cycle and its one that my wife refuses to understand so instead I've been working with my counselor to find ways to make time. I do resent that the burden has, like everything else, come down to me, but we have children and I want them to be in a happy environment.
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Old 10th March 2009, 09:08 PM   #13
lila
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Re: Want out of this marriage

I understand the financial issue. I am in the same situation with my husband. No work, no pay. I do understand that. But, try to make special time for us, I tell my husband all the time, what I want DOES NOT cost money. I know, rent, groceries etc, etc. But when you come home, a hug and a kiss and a smile, even if you do feel like going to sit in a corner and have some alone time, Don't take you frustration out on the family - I know they might be the indirect cause of the situation, but it is something you chose to do. Treat your wife the way you treated her on your first few dates. I know life changes, circumstances change, but you do want you wife to grow old with you? Don't you?
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Old 11th March 2009, 12:37 AM   #14
Hilary
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Re: Want out of this marriage

Karens,

We are not ignoring you - go set up a separate thread and people will respond, just as they are for lila.

Lila,
Good on you for applying for jobs. Do you not have age discrimination laws in your country? Where I live it is unlawful to use the "want someone younger" excuse - they are allowed to say that they don't like the way you presented but not because you are too old. The best way to become independent is to have your own money. And then you can make a truly informed choice about the next steps in your life.
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