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Old 20th October 2009, 07:34 AM   #1
Wedgewood
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Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

As the title says, I have been seperated from my wife for approximately 5 months, but I would dearly love to reunite my family.

The reason we parted was largely down to my wife contacting he real father who was out of the picture for 25 years or so (since shw was 5years old).

Since he has been on the scene her priorities have changed from the kids (we have 3), to her and her father. It seems like she is trying to re-live her childhood and nothing else matters.

I am not saying I am 100% innocent in all of this, but the breakup came as massive shock to myself, close friends and family. She did not confide in anyone as far as I know, and her mind seems to be made up. Over the last 5 months I have seen no signs of her wanting reconcilliation.

I am sure that there is nobody else involved, but it looks like I am loosing the battle to win her back. I have recently started enjoying life again and socialising, but deep down I still yearn for her.

I would be greatful for any advice you could give me on winning her back. Thanks for reading.
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Old 20th October 2009, 10:47 AM   #2
Wedgewood
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

Sorry to be a pain, but I am going out of my mind.

I should have mentioned that I am currently reading 'Stop your Divorce' and have now started using some of the techniques described to calm my wifes negative feelings towards me (largely done by agreeing whole heartedly and iinstantly to any of her suggestions). Its a different approach to me trying to persuade her to change her mind and tell her how much I love her etc (all the usual stuff)

Oh, the reason she gave me for spitting up was 'she didnt want it anymore'. I hope that helps.

If you need any further information then just let me know.
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Old 20th October 2009, 01:07 PM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

From what you have written Wedgewood it is hard to see a reason for the breakup. Whilst the re-emergence of her father might initially take up some of her time I cannot see it is a reason for the breakup. Are you sure there is nobody else involved?

She doesn't want it anymore doesn't seem to be much of a reason to me. If she is holding it this lightly is it worth trying to keep a relationship with her? Marriage is a commitment after all and that is the only way it works.

The only other reason I can see is personal problems she might have which might affect married life so that she couldn't cope. She may have had an unsettled childhood, reading between the lines.

While it is good to confirm your love to her I would hold back from presenting yourself as a needy and dependent person on her. Maybe you are trying too hard. The best attraction would be to genuine make a good life for yourself in spite of what has happened. that would ***** her ears up I feel, if it was genuine. Okay that was censored automatically but you know what I mean.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 20th October 2009 at 01:13 PM.
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Old 20th October 2009, 01:14 PM   #4
Helen_uk
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

There is someone else involved.... her dad.... I'm in no way siding with your wife here , but having her dad back in her life after 25 years must have been a big deal for her . Perhaps she feels you resented her having a " new man " in her life ?

It must have rocked her world , and when that happens we kind of take stock and the life we've been leading sometimes seems to be lacking ...

Did you welcome her dad into your family ? Deep down did you feel resentful that he'd come back and claimed a part of his daughter that maybe you weren't used to having to share with another man in her life ?

I'm playing devil's advocate here so I apologise, just trying to see if maybe there are reasons for her walking out that can be fixed ...

Did she perhaps need some " alone time " with a dad she never really knew and felt torn because that meant taking some time away from you and the girls and so decided the only way was to leave ? Did you reassure and support her in having the time to get to know her dad again ?

If she is feeling like that then it may only be temporary and if she loves you then maybe there's hope for the future .

How do you feel about agreeing to her requests without question and putting your own feelings aside ? That's a hard thing to do without showing any residual resentment and only works if you really mean it.

Finally... what exactly is it she " doesn't want anymore " ? The marriage ? Or the marriage as it used to be ?

Helen
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Old 20th October 2009, 01:42 PM   #5
Wedgewood
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

First of all, thanks for responding.

I am as sure as I can be that there is nobody else involved.

She did have a bit of a troubled time, but he mother re-married when she was young so she did have a father figure for most of her life.

With regards to her dad, my advice to her was to 'take it easy' and try and stop her getting hurt, but I never once said it was a bad idea. It is possible that she may have saw that as not being 100% behind her, but my motives were to protect her and make sure she didnt get hurt.

It is hard to keep agreeing to her requests, including a divorce when its obviously not what I want.

Hope this helps.
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Old 20th October 2009, 01:43 PM   #6
jellybean28
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

Hi Wedgewood

Like Helen I to wonder what your reaction was when her dad came back into her life after so long.

You are both in a difficult postion would she and you for that matter agree to some councelling together or maybe just the both of you sit down together and talk about your feelings.

Do you resent her father coming into her life after all these years?
Does she feel torn between you and her dad?
Do you and her dad get on?
Maybe you and her dad could have a chat
You mention that she has shifted her priorities from your kids to her dad, could her dad be sick or need her help?

Maybe you need to ask her some questions, just be honest, but don't be needy.

Take care wedgewood
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Old 20th October 2009, 02:11 PM   #7
Wedgewood
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

My reaction in the beginning was fine.

I was (and still am) glad they get along like a house on fire.

I bare no grudges towards her dad, my wife is a very independent person and any decision she has made will have been her own doing (if it is rational or not).

I have only met her Dad twice and both times we got along fine. There was one time however when I argued with my wife about removing my kids from school and taking them down the beach with her dad without me knowing (she text me about lunch time from the beach and I reacted badly to her going behind my back).

My wife is very introverted and she will not discuss her emotions openly, which is one of the reasons why we are in this mess. She would resist any attempt for me to meet up with her or discuss anything serious over the phone.
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Old 20th October 2009, 08:05 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

It is quite normal for a parent to react as you have done regarding the beach Wedgewood. That certainly should not be grounds for seperating.

I feel she is a bit damaged from her childhood. Losing a father at five can affect you even though you cannot make logic out of it. It would have made it's mark on that child and she may still carrry the wound sub consciously without realising it. Something may have closed to make her the way she is. Perhaps that is why the father re-appearing is such a big deal. Maybe she feels deep down that she has something to be healed of through him. I can't see it happening that way after all these years. I would let it take its course. It might turn out in time that this phase will play itself out and she will come to her senses.

Raymond
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Old 21st October 2009, 08:23 AM   #9
Wedgewood
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

I hope you are right Raymond,

It is my wifes birthday in a couple of weeks and I am debating buying her a present or not, Not long after we split it was my birthday and she got me a small gift from the kids. Given the current situation (we dont exactly speak except about kids/mediation/divorce) I was wondering the best way to handle it?

Do I

1) Follow suit and just get her a small gift from the kids (maybe something thoughtful so she realises I put some effort in?, but dont contact her.

2) Same as above but get her a card from me/text her happy birthday

3) Get her a gift and a card?


Any advice here would be welcome, I really have no idea how to handle it.
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Old 21st October 2009, 08:45 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

Only you know that Wedgewood. I don't know if the kids are with you or her.

Surely it can't do any harm to remember her birthday. I would go ahead, so long as you don't make it a pressure to her. Just a no strings attached gift and card or whatever would be a good thing I think.

Are the children with you or her?

Raymond
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Old 21st October 2009, 09:00 AM   #11
Wedgewood
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

The kids stay with her, but I have them for a few hours after school on a Tuesday, and overnight on a Saturday till Sunday evening (18:00-18:00). She works weekend nights so it helps her also.
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Old 21st October 2009, 12:05 PM   #12
Helen_uk
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

Been giving this some thought.

How long before you and your wife separated did her dad come onto the scene ?

As to the beach incident, I'm with you on that. I'd have been very angry if my kids had been taken out of school without my knowledge or agreement beforehand. They are your children too...Suppose something had happened ( an accident of some kind ) and you hadn't even known they weren't in school ? Any good parent would have reacted the way you did, so I don't think you reacted badly on that one.

As to your wife's birthday... hmm .. I think I'd be inclined to by a token gift and a card , nothing too flowery and certainly nothing romantic . It shows you still care but without putting any pressure on. My ex husband and I still bought small birthday/ xmas gifts for each other after we split right up until we both had other people in our lives.. We still send xmas cards but to each other as couples.

You say you met your wife's dad twice and got on ok , did she encourage you to spend time with him ? Did it feel as though she wanted you to be a family ( with him) or more that she would rather have alone time and you weren't really included in that ?

I think her dad is very much being treated like a " new man " in her life,not in a romantic sense of course... but it's similar to having an affair in a way , it's still a 3rd person entering into a relationship , only instead of it being someone new it's more like meeting a very old friend that you have unfinished business with...It must have upset the balance a little ( or maybe a lot ? )

Perhaps she has unresolved hurts from her childhood and couldn't deal with them and still be the woman you knew her as and so felt she had to get away to explore this new woman...

I'm just surmising here Wedgewood, you know her best, I don't know her at all. I'm just trying to see how a scenario like this would work, to then see if there is anything you can do to restore your family.

She has a habit of repressing emotions, you have already said that so maybe she's struggling with emotions from the past , in which case you can only bide your time and see how it pans out.

Helen
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Old 21st October 2009, 12:09 PM   #13
jellybean28
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

Hi Wedgewood

A couple more questions for you hope that's ok
How old is your wife and what ages are your children?
Do you know why your wifes parents split up? Is she an only child?

Reason for last two questions is.... could it be possible she feels responsible for her parents separating?
Even after so many years there may be some guilt there and this could be why she's spending so much time with her dad.

It is very difficult living with someone who wont talk about things my ExH was like that, he went to councelling twice the first time on his own the second time we both went, even the councellor couldn't get anything out of him he suspected an underlying reason which after reaching made sense of things for me.

As for your wifes birthday I would take your children shopping if thats possible and let them choose a gift for her. I would sign the card from all of you that way it would show that you still care for her without pressure.
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Old 21st October 2009, 12:23 PM   #14
Wedgewood
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

To Helen,

It was about 3 months after they had met that we split up. I think that looking back she never wanted me to get involved with him, saying things she felt 'awkward' when we met etc.
The only way it upset the balance is because she changed as a person, like i said before her priorities changed from the kids to him.


To Jellybean,

My wife is 32 and my kids are 11,10 and 8.
She is not an only child, she has an elder brother (35) and a younger half brother (22ish).


I hope this helps. Thanks again for your comments,
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Old 21st October 2009, 12:41 PM   #15
Helen_uk
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Re: Seperated for 5 months, but want to reunite

Yes Wedgewood, that's what I mean about upsetting the balance . She obviously has changed a good deal. She's gone from being mother to being child.....

Your original post asked for advice on winning her back . To be frank I think you're doing all you can . 5 months isn't that long really and she has a lot going on so I'd be inclined to keep the lines of communication open and let her deal with things. I don't think I'd be so inclined to agree to her every request though , if it isn't something you agree with then you have to calmly let your feelings be known.

I'm assuming her dad is just a normal guy ( i.e nothing to warrant you being worried about him being round your children ) and your wife obviously feels she needs to explore this new relationship on her own ( not saying I agree that's the right way to do it ).

What more can you do than play a bit of a waiting game and hope once she has gotten to know her dad better she returns to her " normal " self ?

As long as the children are safe and being cared for properly , which I'm sure is a number one concern, then I can't see what more you can do.

Helen

Last edited by Helen_uk; 21st October 2009 at 01:44 PM.
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