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Old 13th May 2010, 07:03 PM   #16
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

What a slow and mundane day. H is being all off and vague and non committal. he then asks ME what's up and I say I'm fine, he then starts being 'normal' and then when I react 'normally' he then say's don't be so full on, were going to separate a few weeks ago. i point out that it was HIM who was going to separate a few weeks ago nothing to do with me. He clearly didn't like that as he went all quiet and off again. Quite clearly however I behave is wrong in his eyes. If i am too withdrawn he gets all odd, if i'm just normal I'm accused of being too full on. I'm somewhat angry at being treated like this. Overall though it is hurt that I feel the most. I feel so rejected.

I keep trying and trying to say in my head that at least he is going to the doctors next Wednesday. That I should focus on the positive steps he has made and also by all accounts how quickly they have happened. I'm just extremely wary of it all being a flash in the pan. I have noticed that by me not getting involved or asking certain things i can't be accused of anything. Maybe this is good because then he has to face them himself or something.
I feel so very alone. No one to talk to in the day or see. I have only 2 friends, other than that there is no-one. We were supposed to be moving up to the midlands in the summer but he has now said he just 'cant'. Even though bizzarely he has said it is so much cheaper, so much nicer and all round far better than where we are. he said he is worried about his business. He is deluded about that and I cannot for the life of me get my head around his thinking. He has no business - it's a shambles of well, nothing. Plus the fact and I repeat fact is his business would be far better up there! Frustrating frustrating. Our lives would be so much better if we moved, anywhere.
I'm in east london/essex btw (think it was val who asked.)
Anyway feel like cr@p today so best go.
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Old 14th May 2010, 09:08 AM   #17
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

He's treating me not very nicely now. Knew this was all just a false start. He keeps nit picking at me and then being all off hand. Getting irritated with things I do or not do. He's told me i do things that irritate the life out of him, so I asked him what things and his answer was, the problem is it's just the way you are - you don't even know you're doing them.

We went to the pub last night and as we haven't been for a few weeks a few people were asking where we've been, what we have been up to etc. His face turns all sour and says 'oh we've been busy and we've been rowing lots'. I couldn't believe he said that! I wouldn't mind so much but we haven't had any rows. He just told me he wanted to split up, there has been not one single argument. However I've worked out by him saying 'we' means he isn't wholly responsible. I've noticed he does this a lot just lately. Doesn't want to be responsible.

I had a horrible time in the pub. He was just watching the tv or looking away or being ok one minute then all offish the next. i was tryi8ng to ignore that and be myself but I can't work out where i stand. When i asked him what the matter was (oh big mistake) he said 'nothing, what's the matter with YOU?' He was all fidgetty and annoyed and just said oh what do you want me to behave like? And proceeds to be all over the top with his arm round me and being all lovely dovey. Then just says 'why can't you just chill and have a nice time?' I said i am but it's difficult to work out as one minute you're here with me and the next it feels like I might as well be at home. He started snapping at me because I said something 'wrong' he told me to shut up in a very loud voice. I can't believe he's talking to me like that. He say he's irritated because I couldn't hear something asked, and when I explain I just couldn't hear, he just replies well you don't have to say pardon - just don't ask - you don't need to know. (?!) He's irritated that I'm not relaxed and to quote 'why can't you just effing well relax?!!' These are the feelings of why i don't want to be with you!'

Could somebody please inform me what feelings he means. I can't do anything right it seems to me. This morning he wakes me up and brings me a cup of tea yet was all odd. (I find that odd in itself!) I ask him if he slept ok and again he was all odd and looking away. I asked him if something was on his mind and he just said 'i just find you irritating, why do you have to behave like you've decided it's going to be one way and then everything will be fine?' And why do you have to effing well ask me?' I don't know what he means and so I asked him what he was referring to because if I can't ask how am i meant to know. He then jumped off on one, told me to eff off and don't get upset because that really p*sses him off. ' I couldn't help but cry being spoken to like that and he just sticks his fingers in his ears and goes 'lalalalalala' and stomps off in a raised voice saying 'don't you dare ruin my day I have things to do and I'm not having you ruin it'. He's then shouting from downstairs telling me to effing stop crying he's had enough. (I'm not sobbing loudly or anything, I'm in the spare room). He then came back and demands I am not upset because he can't deal with it. That i am to have a nice day and he won't be back til really late as he has so much work to do and that I'm not to think he is avoiding me or anything. Well I feel horrible. I feel really brow beaten. It's just like it was a few weeks back when this all began. He's speaking to me like something the cat brought in. I don't know what I've done or not done. Whatever i do he doesn't like. He obviously doesn't like me and certainly he doesn't love me. My very presence seems to annoy him immensely. I just want to know what I've done to deserve this. And I know everyone says I haven't done anything but I can't help but think that somehow maybe I must have. Why else would someone speak to me like that? Maybe his thinking is if he treats me horribly then I will leave him and that's easier for him to handle. I'm not allowed to ask him what the problem is so until I know i have to live like this.
I feel so very sad and helpless.
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Old 14th May 2010, 09:31 AM   #18
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone,

Sorry, just realised you've put up another post - will reply to that one later!

The way he is behaving is normal for a depressed male, as far as I've worked out with mine. My ex acts in a very similar way. He can't remember things he's said, says hurtful things with apparent incomprehension of how they sound to me and then asks me what it is I want, as though that's currently relevant!

Quote:
I have noticed that by me not getting involved or asking certain things i can't be accused of anything. Maybe this is good because then he has to face them himself or something.
I completely agree, and it's safeguarding yourself too. He's asked me before to stand up to him when he is being nasty, but when I do, he scurries back down his dark hole again. Best not to say anything for now, me thinks. He's depressed; it's caused by a temporary chemical imbalance ….
Quote:
I'm somewhat angry at being treated like this. Overall though it is hurt that I feel the most. I feel so rejected.
I understand. I could throttle him for some of the things he's said, can't because I know he's sick. He's rejecting you because he's sick, and the stupid and worst part about the illness is if he succeeds in rejecting you he is just going to feel 10 times worse. I know it hurts like hell. I know the confusion of trying to understand what's going on inside his screwed up head, trying to work out if he still wants you or not. Whatever he says, he probably needs you right now more than he ever has; he just doesn't know it. It is not an easy path though, and a little distance will help you stay sane. Are there any self-help groups near you for him, or carer support groups?
You are doing a brilliant job helping him to get to Relate and the doctors; you need as much help as you can grab for yourself too.

I can understand where he's coming from on the move. His head is too screwed up right now to cope with major changes like that, and moving is very stressful. It's frustrating because you can see the improvements it would make to your lives, but he's not in the right place now to make major decisions. I'm afraid it's a case of biting our tongues, sitting on our hands and silently seething! I've realised he's going to get better at his pace, not mine. Drat.

Quote:
I cannot for the life of me get my head around his thinking
Don't try. It will drive you nuts too. His brain is screwed.

Look after yourself. I can't stress that enough. By looking after yourself, you are giving yourself the strength to help him.

You are NOT alone; he is behaving normally for a depressed person, it is nothing to do with you.Unfortunately you just happen to be nearest to him so he's lashing out at you.

Huge hugs xxx

Last edited by Wiggle; 14th May 2010 at 12:03 PM.
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Old 14th May 2010, 06:11 PM   #19
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

I think I must be really weak and desperate.
Saw him this afternoon and although I noticed when he saw me coming towards him he was smiling, that quickly changed. He said he doesn't love me anymore but does care a lot for me. Said that he doesn't think things are going to work out, says that he feels sick of looking inside himself and why should he have to anyway. Says that he's sorry for hurting me and making me cry. Thinks it's best that I go away to my parents for the weekend. Sorry that he's hurt me but thinks that depression IS a failure and anyway he's not depressed. Says he only feels depressed because he doesn't love me - that's all that's making him sad. Says that he's fine on his own and is best if you just push everything under the carpet - see it all goes away. Says I smelled nice. i asked him what was going on in his head and he just said 'believe you me you wouldn't want to know'. I take that that he was having thoughts of leaving me, our marriage etc. I can't stop crying now. i feel the early hope was just a false impression. I wish I could find some evidence of someone else. This pain would be easier. I find nothing - not a jot of anything. I feel so very lost and more importantly feel stupid for posting on here. Other people seem to have far more painful things happening in their lives and I who am I to bleat about my issues. I don't know how much more I can take of this or what to do about it. I have tried to be strong and bite my lip and put my feelings aside but for what? To be treated like this, to not even know what the problems are? I just want to know where this has come from, what has caused it and then at least i'll know, even if it's not fixable.

I'm trying to be positive and think that he's sick, that he's pushing me away on purpose, albeit subconsciously. But why do that? He won't tell me anything and clams up when i ask him. What could he be hiding I just don't know. The thought of the weekend away without knowing anything is killing me. Please help me I don't think I can do this for much longer.
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Old 15th May 2010, 07:16 AM   #20
dazed and confused
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone
First every persons problem is important so don't think for a minute yours isn't. My H does this everyday, one day he loves me the next he hates me. I know how you feel but know it's not you it's him. Like Wiggle says his mind is screwed right now. It's hard when someone you love says hurtful things then gets mad when you cry. That in it self shows something is wrong with them.
Before coming on here I thought being depressed was being sad. It's so much more than that.the more I learn about it I find it easier to deal with my H. I gave mine new blankets ,pillows and sheets and he then said they gave him the flu?? Now when I tell him he said that he realizes how dumb he sounded. Mine went through this 5 yrs ago it took about 6 months for it to pass totaly,I'm in my second month now. I'm just trying each day to get through it.I try to be there for him but yet have my own life. You have to look after you cause they are so into themselves right now no one else matters. You are not alone we are all here for you all going through something similar.

Big Hugs
Val
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Old 17th May 2010, 09:32 AM   #21
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone,

You are not weak and desperate. If you were, you wouldn't be posting on this site - it takes guts to reach out for help.

He's depressed. It's caused by a ...well, you know the rest! He's pushing you away for any number of reasons; because he thinks he's a failure, that it's all going to end anyway so he might as well end it now, becuase you'd be better off without him, because he thinks the relationship is causing his depression and if he pushes the relationship away he'll push the depression away (I am 100% convinced that's what my ex thought. It took me moving out to make him realise he was actually more miserable without me.)

Not talking about it is pretty typical too. My ex says he can't talk about what's going on in his head - it's too difficult. The fact your H and my ex are coming out with virtually the same comments pretty much proves it's nothing to do with us, it is not our fault.
Quote:
I feel stupid for posting on here. Other people seem to have far more painful things happening in their lives and I who am I to bleat about my issues.

You are being strong and intelligent by posting here! A depressed partner is one of the most painful things to deal with. The constant negativity, the nasty, hurtful comments from someone who you thought loved you; the lack of logical thoughts, nothing making any sense, the faint glimmers of hope shot down the next day - you have plenty to bleat about, so please don't stop bleating! It's hard, I know, but try not to let his negativity drag you down. Your pain deserves to be heard just as much as anyone else's, and don't let him make you think otherwise. Knowing other people are going through the same thing is reassuring for all of us - knowing your H is saying the same things as my ex is reassuring for me, so you posting is helping me too. Don't stop.

It's incredibly difficult to stay positive in the face of so much unpleasantness. I woke up this morning wondering why I was bothering, what was the point in trying to work on something when everything he's been saying has been negative - why want to stay with someone who apparently doesn't want to be with you? I'm just hanging on until the anti-depressants kick in. He's not in his right mind now; we'll see what he's like in 5 weeks time....

Is your H going to see the doctor? How was your weekend?

Hugs and good vibes,

Axx
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Old 17th May 2010, 10:36 AM   #22
So alone
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Unhappy Re: I want to understand

Hi wiggle and val and thanks.
It's just so isolating and well, frankly depressing for me to be here on my own taking whatever crumbs fall my way and trying to make some sense of some description out of them. One minute I think I may have made 1% of progress then within a day or two that vanishes into thin air. Not only that but I am then left far worse than before i had that 1%.

I keep repeating through my head like on autopilot 'he is sick. he is ill and do not accept anything that he says or does. just hold on until Wednesday when we go to the doctors. He must know he has a problem with something or else why accept going to the gp? why drink every day? why has he told me he has been depressed many times before he met me? why not just tell me why the problem is/are? why clam up?'
This paragraph is on permanent repeat and my head hurts.

I keep thinking why stay with someone why clearly isn't giving anything to you. Then I have to reset that thought. Change the words 'clearly' to 'sometimes'. then change the word 'sometimes' to 'sporadic' and then et voila ' we come to instability, erratic and inconsistency. I still come to the conclusion that I am and will get nothing good from this. I feel like I am choosing pain and misery. It gets tangled up with all my marriage vows and what they mean to me. What I should be feeling, what I'm not. What I should be doing but can't seem to be able to. I can't seem to do alot. I certainly am now failing to concentrate. My business is starting to suffer because I am unable to work consistently. I am having to just do one thing and focus on achieving something say the filing then I have to sit down and think for a bit. My mind takes over from everyday things. It's like a battle that is raging on inside of me and I am tiring now. I now can only do something useful for about 10 minutes before I have to have a few minutes break. I feel like I am slipping into this pit of misery and I do not want to be some sort of victim. I can't help it though and I am so afraid.

He is sick, he is ill and I just have to hold on until we go to the doctors on Wednesday.

I only hope (and this kills a bit more of me to say this) that they find he has problems. that yes he is ill, yes he is sick and how well it is to have held on til Wednesday. That drinking everyday is a problem, that the pain in his left stomach area is a sign of an inflamed liver, that he will be sent for a blood test, that they will find he has been using alcohol to blot out his misery. That his misery is not caused by me, that his misery is depression. that these up one minute and down the next minute episodes are a sign of something else. that he is possibly bi polar like his father was, that he can get help, that he can improve and that he is supported and above all that he gives up this war he has been fighting with himself since he can remember. if he does all of that but remains in denile I can do nothing more. If he can accept it then there is hope.

I do not think he will or is even able to do any of that.
(mind you, I did not think he would go to relate. I did not think he would go to the second session of relate on his own and I never ever thought he would be accepting of going to the doctors) I give myself false hope. I give myself further pain. I notice i use the word 'I'. therefore I am choosing this. I am utterly miserable and full of sadness and tears.
I have such stomach ache myself, all of this is manifesting itself physically.
I feel like I am wasting myself on this, on my marriage and that I should leave now and start a new life somehow or other. I am not a person who has ever quit anything until all hope has totally gone. I am cross with myself for being like that. Maybe if I could be more of a shallow person I could just get on with things and not bother with him. But then I guess I am then not being me.

Today is a sad day and I am due to leave my parents within the hour and I am dreading going home back to London for what misery I will be confronted with, the loneliness of the four walls of our box room/my office. Knowing it is likely he will be out all evening , probably having a drink or 4. Waiting for his return but trying not to. to again try and do some work, but feeling like a failure myself. It's really hard because my business is in the wedding industry. Irony is so sick. I am struggling and am desperate to hold on until my relate appt. tomorrow lunchtime and then for Wednedays d day. Is there anything else I can do? Anything at all?
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Old 17th May 2010, 12:42 PM   #23
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

You're very welcome. Thank you too - there's strength in numbers.

Crumbs - oh yes, I know that feeling! I know the head hurting, spinning round like a top. He can't tell you what the problem is because he doesn't know himself, and I think they get to a point where they're so used to feeling depressed, they just think it's how they are and don't accept that it's not normal to feel that way. For them, it is normal because they've been like that for so long.

It does sound like he's dragging you down with him. Look after yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good, even if it's for just 10 minutes. I take long hot baths with a book, go to a Comedy Club, watch the Simpsons, anything that makes me laugh. Phone friends. Visit family. Play music you like. Continue with your life as normally as you can; he's in a world of his own, try not to let that world spill over into yours, I guess. Easier said than done! It might be worth you visiting the doctors too?

I've not been able to concentrate at work for about 4 months now. I find physically doing something takes my mind off things more than working on the computer, but the bulk of my job is computer based of course...

You are not a victim, you are trying hard to do the right thing by your husband in the face of hostility and unpleasantness.You're hanging on in there for now, but you'd be inhuman if you didn't sometimes wonder why - neither of us are getting any reassurances. I'm going to give it 6 months from him starting the anti-depressants and review the situation then. It may be that things go downhill before then, I don't know, but if there's no improvement in 6 months guilty though I feel, I can't exist on crumbs forever.

It makes sense that you hope there's something wrong they can identify. It provides an explanation, makes sense of the pain and gives hope that something can done about it. Don't feel guilty about that; there's no way he'd choose to be the way he is, so if there is something wrong that can be worked on in the long run he's got you to thank for helping him address it. It's interesting that his father was bi-polar, there are definitely cases where it seems to run in the family. I hope his doctor is aware of that?

It's taken my ex over a year to accept that he's got a problem, and he's still not convinced it's depression although he says the symptoms sounds familiar and he's got no other explanation. It's a long journey.

Your stomach ache might be stress? My stomach was a mess for the first month. Try eating when you feel like it. The mornings were the worst for me, so I'd eat a decent meal in the evening - veggie sausages and mash, mmmm....

I'm not a quitter either, and I do sometimes wonder whether that's always a good thing, as I know there have been times when it would have been better for me to have quit. I'm worried this is one of those times. Don't beat yourself up for being a caring, loyal person though.

You've done everything you can for him for now. He has got to help himself, you can't fix him on your own. That fact that he's going to Relate and the doctors are all good signs, small though they may be. Try talking to the doctors about psychotherapy - apparently that in combination with the pills can better help prevent a relapse than the pills alone, but certainly here the waiting list is weeks long so better to get him on it sooner rather than later.

I'm in Surrey, UK.
Huge hugs and tonnes of patience,
Axxx
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Old 17th May 2010, 06:29 PM   #24
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Feel like a worthless pit of misery and I can't seem to see the light anymore. I think I must be the one deluding myself, deluding myself to think that he is ill. he must just not love me or something. Why has he not called me? What have I done?

I have come back home and found a wash load on and he had mowed the back lawn. Also that there was milk in the fridge which set my alarm bells off that the mother in law has been round whilst I've been away. (he can't have dairy). I am quite literally twiddling my thumbs getting more and more anxious as each minute passes. I have no idea what he will be like when and if he comes back home. I feel physically sick and I keep retching thinking I am going to be sick. Please help, I don't know if I can actually do this for another 2 days.
I don't have anything it seems. I have my own business so I'm trying to find that gratitude that I know I ought to have. I haven't found it so far. I've found an awful lot of sadness and I don't want to look anymore in case that's all i keep finding.
I don't have children and it sickens me to see mothers and pregnant women everywhere I go. I don't think i'll ever be a mummy now.

I'm losing my momentum - it's this not knowing anything that's killing me.
i can't find happiness in even hearing the birds sing. It is making me cry more because it's so painful to hear. I went out for a walk but had to come home after 20 minutes because I felt so sad and was crying.

Maybe I should just leave him and everything. I don't know how I can get a flat because i don't earn enough, I don't know anything. There is nothing here but more pain and sadness and im so alone.

Maybe this is why he wants to leave me, because Im not nice and Im not anything worth bothering with. I can't do this, Im obviously not strong enough. If I was on my own then no-one need know and I could just somehow stay away and not bother and then I wouldn't be a burden either. I must have done something terrible somewhere to someone to deserve all of this. I can't see any reason otherwise. maybe in a past life I was horrible or something. Maybe I somehow wasn't thoughtful enough to someone or something. Maybe this is how life is. there are winners and losers and maybe Im the one in denial to think I could be anything other than always a loser. I don't know what to do with anything.
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Old 17th May 2010, 08:34 PM   #25
Helen_uk
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Re: I want to understand

I've just read through your thread and I have to say that it does sound as though your H is more bi polar than depressed , an ex partner of mine had an ex wife with bi polar and her erratic behaviour was what eventually split them up.. basically she was diagnosed but repeatedly came off her meds until in the end the stress drove him to depression and he couldn't cope.

Her behaviours became very childlike when she was hyper and would then plummet into a depression where everything wrong in the world became his fault , he was the blamed one... She would then drink heavily to " ease the sadness " and then swing back into being hyper , after 6 years he could no longer cope , she wouldn't stay on her prescribed meds and though I've no doubt he loved her he had to walk away.

One thing he said to me that you could try was not to show any reaction at all when she flew into one of her " it's all your fault " episodes , kind of like you would with a child throwing a tantrum. In fact he would sit there , let her say what she had to say and then stand up and leave the room. When she was calmer he'd tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour was disrespectful to him and he wouldn't allow it. Apparently that worked short term because it enabled him to take back some control ( and he did say the worst part was the fact he felt he was losing control of everything, including his own wits ) until he could persuade her back onto her meds.

I've no idea if this would work for you, but I thought I'd pass on his experience and at least let you know you're not alone.

None of this is your fault, and you mustn't allow yourself to become his scapegoat . It's nothing to do with how nice or not nice you are, it's about him dealing with his demons . You're not a loser, you're a woman who perhaps cares just too much about others and puts her own needs second. Maybe , just maybe it's time to take back some of that control and put you first.

Hugs

Helen x
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Old 18th May 2010, 01:13 AM   #26
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

Quote:
Originally Posted by So alone View Post
Feel like a worthless pit of misery and I can't seem to see the light anymore. I think I must be the one deluding myself, deluding myself to think that he is ill. he must just not love me or something. Why has he not called me? What have I done?
I have lived this day, and I wish it on no one. You have to find a way to remember that he is the one that is ill. You must also remember that his illness can make you ill (if only temporarily). If you think he loved you, you are right. I can never believe that anyone would fake years of love. Have you ever tried faking liking someone. Darn hard to do. Must be impossible to do with love.


Quote:
Originally Posted by So alone View Post
Maybe this is why he wants to leave me, because Im not nice and Im not anything worth bothering with. I can't do this, Im obviously not strong enough. If I was on my own then no-one need know and I could just somehow stay away and not bother and then I wouldn't be a burden either. I must have done something terrible somewhere to someone to deserve all of this. I can't see any reason otherwise. maybe in a past life I was horrible or something. Maybe I somehow wasn't thoughtful enough to someone or something. Maybe this is how life is. there are winners and losers and maybe Im the one in denial to think I could be anything other than always a loser. I don't know what to do with anything.
When I get this upset and depressed, I email the Samaritans (http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm), an organization for the suicidal and/or depressed. Great organization to just spill out all that dark matter that builds so quickly in marital decay. Get it out anonymously. Say it, and be rewarded with knowing that other decent people still exist. People who sacrifice their time and energy to help total strangers, to offer a safe haven to confess their pain. I have every intention of volunteering for this service when I am through my pain.

One thing for certain is you are not a loser. Not. A. Loser. You are a survivor.

How can we build you up today? How can we show you just how strong all that reach out for answers and help, all that end up at this forum are people of character, not content to let things just fall apart, willing to turn all stones to remedy the ill in their marriage. You are a magnificent, proactive, wife. You are a woman of courage. I admire you as I admire every person here. We know what matters, and we will fight for it. We also fight for one another. It is unfortunate to find yourself in need of the forum, but the forum is a blessing of companionship. You are now a part of the collective. Draw as much strength as you need. Give and take as you can. But be proud. Stand. You are strong, and I believe in you.

Love and strength and persistence,
J
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Old 18th May 2010, 02:23 AM   #27
dazed and confused
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone
As the other wonderful ladies said first your not alone and your brave to come here. I feel only true fighters come on this forum.I think it would be so much easier to walk away true fighters stay and fight.
My H finally realized he had a problem and got meds yesterday. I guess now we'll have to see what happens. So at least wait til he gets on his pills.If he doesn't change at least you'll know you gave it every shot you could.I know it's so hard, but if you don't try you'll always wonder. If you walk away in time least you'll do it with no regrates. You'll know you tried your best.

Thinking of you
Love Val
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Old 19th May 2010, 08:17 PM   #28
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Hello again everybody.

Thank you for all that you have said, it has helped albeit just a small bit, but thank you because I'm trying to focus on that a little - it's all I can find that helps.
Well what a turbulent 2 days and hey that's not a surprise.

On Monday afternoon I waited and waited until 10.30pm and then decided to call him. He was in the pub. Said he'd been there since he couldn't remember. Was rather up beat and chipper one second then within the same sentence was mean. snappy and aggressive. Was saying things like, being nice is manipulation and that I should stop being nice because I'm manipulating him, saying I'm this and that and I should stop behaving like this. I ask what he means and all I got is nonsense. i couldn't even work out what he meant because the sentence didn't make sense. It got worse and worse until there was one point where he was contradicting himself in the same sentence. he then launched into a tirade of abuse about money (even though I hadn't mentioned it) saying I must never ever mention that word, i say 'fine' and he gets even more angry for me saying that. he then has a go at me for NOT saying anything and that I am weak and should stop not saying my opinion (!) I then said but I am not mentioning that word but surely it is reasonable as a wife that we can be able to talk about anything? He agreed but then contradicted himself by saying yes but not that!!! I said ok well lets leave that and not talk now about it (not that I had even brought it up) he said but see you've already mentioned it by saying you're not mentioning it. Blimey. And he still was going on about things that have been done are in the past. I really had no idea what on earth he was saying. he started a tirade about anti depressants and how he is not under any circumstances taking anything. I hadn't even mentioned it. It got to the point that I was sort of pleased it did (i say that but am sad about it) as it got to the point where I knew he was talking gibberish and actually said out loud to myself 'this man is ill' he is seriously not well and he needs help.
He said he had worked til 1.30 am on Friday, then went out in London on Saturday with a mate and got so hammered that he was really ill the next day and was still completely laggered whilst cycling and shaking and that he was falling asleep at the wheel of the car driving to his mothers (a 2 hr drive) so much so that he pulled over for a 20 minute sleep. He said he felt miserable and so unhappy. Had a very horrible weekend. I gently tried to put it to him that 'was it not fun to be out with your friend?' and he said well kind of but not really, that he feels totally miserable' ( I am glad for because it shows it is not me). he asked how my girls night out was and that 'I bet you got chatted up loads because you're looking so good' (?!) I asked if he had a nice time at his mothers. He said he had some dinner and a few drinks (knowing her she gives him a large amount of whiskey thinking that will cheer him up (!) grr the stupid woman)
After a few sentences with him being 'normal' he then said he'll just have another pint and then be home. He didn't.
He came in at 1am. Absolutely laggered. Told me he had messed himself too.
Tuesday morning. He made me a cup of tea and came into the spare room feeling very sorry for himself but there was something more.

We talked until 1pm. He said he thinks he is 'not right'. We talked about depression and unipolar/bipolar. He said he has all of those symptoms. I managed to finally ask him about what it feels like. he said it is like a fog that is just there and it feels horrible. I asked if it was like sliding down a hole? he said no, that this awful fog is 'just there' then sometimes it's not. That he gets spikes of even more lows but generally the misery is 'just there'. he asked about the treatment. he told me more incidents with his dad. that he doesn't think he has bipolar (and actually neither do i) but unipolar he has all the symptoms. he said he knows why he is drinking and talked about the past some more. He asked me about a friend of mine who has unipolar. I told him that getting a diagnosis can sometimes take a few visits and assessments and also time. he said 'well if I need to see more than one doctor then that's fine'. He looked up unipolar on the internet. I made him a cuppa and toast. he told me that he does seem to have pretty much all of those symptoms. He seemed thoughtful and consistent. he said he loved me and doesn't want 'anymore of this talk of separation, not for 6 months at least because we have to give things a try. I suggested that perhaps if he was happy in himself then the 'issues' he has in our relationship might also work themselves out, that perhaps they've all got tangled up together somehow and it's difficult to see what's what. He said yes quite possibly.

He told me he had got tickets to take me to the ballet on Friday (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) Unfortunately I can't go because i have appts for my business and he looked very sad when I told him that. Should I try and get the appts changed and go with him?

I went to my relate appt, but on the way fell over the kerb and into the road. Cut my hands and knee and was a bit of a mess. the appt went ok - just seemed to be more form filling and assessing really. Although I did mention the mother in law stuff that I have issue with and i don't think the woman could quite believe me when I said that my mother in law actually took a dessert out of my hand in front of people because she didn't want me to get fat!! we now have to wait 2 weeks because she is on holiday. I can only hope that I can get through this.

I got back home and H came home before he was going out to do some exercise. He saw me in a bit of a mess and hobbling and well, he was my loving husband once more. Took me into his arms to make me feel nice and soothe me. Twas nice and he was chuckling a bit at what a wally I am for tripping up, he was just being my husband I used to know. I said thankyou and I heard him say that it really is his pleasure to look after me and that he is honered to do so. It was like he was balanced and 'normal'. I asked him how his day was and he just shook his head. I said 'not a good day today then?' shakes his head and says 'no' he looks down to the floor and I say well, we're going to get this sorted out aren't we. He puts his arms around me and cuddles me.

Of course he went out and got back late at 11pm after having 'a few pints' and promptly poured himself a large vodka. However he was being all silly and he seemed 'normal'. Talking about my birthday in 10 days and what I'd like. We were being silly together and making faces and talking about daft things. It was nice to see him smiling and happy and silly.
It was nice to have my husband back for a while.
We watched a film and had dinner. he fell asleep for ten minutes and that's when i noticed an immediate change. When he awoke his mood had sunk and I said I noticed the change. After initial denial he half agreed but didn't want to talk. My h had gone again and I felt so sad.
he was grumpy, irritated and low.
He woke me up early with a cup of tea and confirmed the time of his drs appt.
I waited and waited then called him. good grief what a foul tempered irritated hostile man I spoke with. He said he didn't remember that I was coming too, because the gp said to book it in my name. It was horrid. he was horrid. But he went.
Came out with a blood test form and told me 'your doctor, yeah he's a good lad, he's alright and I feel alright'. Went on to say he was examined and appears to have a small swelling in his stomach/liver area. That my gp had reassured him that 1 in 3 people he sees are for depression and that he has to have a fasting blood test and to book an appt for 2 weeks time when the results come back.
2 weeks.
I keep saying i over and over because i am not sure how I can make it through 2 weeks nor how or if he can.

I JUST WANT MY HUSBAND BACK. I WANT THE MAN I MET, FELL IN LOVE WITH AND MARRIED.
WHERE OH WHERE IS HE AND WHERE DOES HE GO TO WHEN THIS FOG ARRIVES?
I feel so very sad and lonely.
I am choosing to be on this journey but I really don't know how I can make 2 weeks.

I am going to buy him Omega 3 and B12 vitamins after his blood test tomorrow. Whilst he was reading up on the internet we talked about it being really common that people with such illnesses tend to be deficient and that taking such supplements can help. he agreed and noticed he craves Bovril all the time. Small thing but maybe that's another pointer.

Well, i haven't been able to do any work whatsoever today and fell asleep for 4 hours this afternoon. Had various missed calls and emails and I know I have to try i just can't seem to find it in me. I also don't know if i should go to the ballet that he unusually got tickets for or anything.
I'm trying to see today as a triumph, an amazing first step. i can't because I am so worried.

I have read many of the other posts on here and am trying to be grateful that my H is walking the line, albeit it 1cm a day.
I just want him happy.
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Old 20th May 2010, 01:22 AM   #29
dazed and confused
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone

My H got meds on monday I have that wait also it sucks. When I talked to my H on how he feels.He said the samething about a fog but said it was like a black hole. He said he feels nothing just numb. Must be an awful feeling,it's hard for us because if he had a broken arm we can see it and understand the pain.With this we can't see it so we wonder is it real??
I'd go to the ballet with him.If he was nice enough to get tickets I'd go.

Lots Of love
Val
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Old 20th May 2010, 09:15 AM   #30
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone,

Crikey, he is really sick is'nt he? I hope it's good that you're seeing something of the old him now and again - it gives you a bit of hope to cling on to, he's in there somewhere.


Things to celebrate;
  1. He's admitted he's got a problem and something's wrong.
  2. He's talking to you.
  3. He's going to the doctors.
  4. He still says he loves you, hugs you and shows he cares for you now and again.
  5. He's asking for time to try and sort himself out.
I know right now it doesn't seem like enough and you want him back NOW, but they really are the first big steps along the road. Mine's managed nos. 3 and 5 but is still having major problems with nos. 1 & 2, and hasn't managed no. 4 for years. Yea gods, what the heck have I been putting up with?

I would go to the ballet if he's gone out of his way to book tickets. If my OH did anything like that for me right now, to be honest I'd be over the moon! It sounds like he recognises there are times when he behaves like an a*se and when he's normal is trying to please you and make up for it?
You can make two weeks. You've come this far; hang on in there. Look after yourself- the stronger you are, the better you can help him. I have a friend who regularly suffers bouts of depression (it seems to run in her family) and she is incredibly grateful for her husband. Once your H has got his head straight I'm sure he'll feel the same.

Yes, it's very slooow progress, and I've had to curtail my usual need to 'get things sorted' and take this at his pace. Soo frustrating. But you're doing great. It is NOT you. He is sick, his brain is screwed. Not you. There are at least 3 of us on here going through incredibly similar things (to the point where I sometimes get mixed up!), but we're all very different people, so there's no way it's us; our OH's are sick with what sounds like the same condition.

Living with it is hell. We had to separate for me to regain some strength and confidence. For you to be living with him and putting in this amount of effort to help him is incredible and admirable, no way the actions of a loser!

Be careful he doesn't drag you into the fog with him; it can happen and your previous post sounded very low. I'm pretty certain looking back I was suffering from reactive depression living with him, his constant negativity and criticism had brought me that low. Be good to yourself.

Take care and huge hugs,
Axx
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