Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 21st May 2010, 06:11 AM   #31
So alone
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

Hey everyone,

It's 4am and I can't sleep and I must apologise for the forthcoming rant I just can't seem to prevent myself from having....

I AM SO F*CKING ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH HHHHHHHHH!


I am mightily p*ssed off with his cr@p f*cking behaivour.
He keeps giving me a kiss on the cheek every now and then and it is irritating the f*ck out of me like you wouldn't believe!
GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Everytime he does it it winds me up something chronic and there I am smiling sweetly being all grateful for that because believe you me i know I should be.
I know that, because of all your posts on this forum not just my thread and also I know from when this all started that having a crumb is better than not.

But, by jeez I can't get it out of me just how 'cheap' it makes me feel when he does it. A kiss on the cheek - it's a token gesture. I am NOT a f*cking token gesture!!! I am a wife - his wife and quite attractive, quite nice and deserve far better than this bullsh*t nonsense.

I apologise for this swearing and shouting, I think it's all these weeks of pent up frustration, of not being 'allowed' to say my side in case it sets him back further, in case he retreats. That HE needs to feel better and confident and blah chuffing blah!

I feel like i want to shake the man. Shout at him to 'snap' out of it. What a complete tw@t he is for doing this to himself and to me but nooooo - musn't do any of that. Nope must be nice, must be patient (oh I must have to have endless amounts of patience), must step back, must guide him to get help, must be calm, must never lose it, MUST NEVER HAVE ANY F*CKING FEELINGS ABOUT CHUFF ALL IT SEEMS!!!!!!!!
GGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

And worst of all I hate the fact I am feeling like this. That I can't hold it all together that soon after this anger has passed that I will be left with this horrible residual sh*tty feeling of loneliness. That I will be grateful for a 'token gesture' - for ANY token gesture from him. That I will feel bad for having had these thoughts and just feel more sadness for the entire situation. Feel sad that he must be feeling so low and not very nice

What is wrong with me? I can't say I'm looking forward to going to the ballet later today. I guess it's because I have no idea how on earth he is going to be but it is inevitable that I am going to feel like cr@p. i always have an idea about that - it's pretty certain.
That he will be nice one minute and mean, thoughtless and withdrawn the next. Should I dare pry or try to pry anything out of him, I am the one in the wrong. Should I say nothing, I am the one in the wrong. Should i be a bit of both, I am the one in the wrong.
I can't keep doing this it's driving me to misery. Like you said i have to be careful not to fall into the fog he is living in. My problem with that is I feel I have not got very much choice.

If I go away up to my parents for a while, I don't hear anything from him and then worry, get upset, feel very sad. Then when I come back, he is even more miserable and been drunk and withdrawn than before I left! Is it better to be down here with him being like that? I can answer that, I suppose it is, because at least this way I can 'monitor him'. The by product of that is I feel i am caught up in this whirl and i am getting cabin fever from these four walls. I really cannot get on with my work and it is already suffering. In a business where you only get once chance to get it right and i am really feeling that pressure because i am now struggling to be organised - something i would never have imagined would come from my mouth. My business takes me away and I do have to go up to stay at my parents for over night after the ballet. I'll be exhausted.

I just want my 'normal' life back. It's like last night. What a beautiful summer evening. The air was warm and sweet. I was driving back from Sainsburys with the windows down taking in the sunset and the clouds, feeling the warmth on my face. Beautiful. But no, I felt terrible. Awful and sadness. It's not like I can come home, pour myself a glass of wine and sit in my garden and enjoy it with my husband - like we used to do. Like all effing winter he has been saying he has been looking forward to doing!!!!!! No, instead I pour myself a cranberry and vodka and sit on my own. Marvelous, not.
He comes home at 10.50pm (late as per to be expected when he says he won't be - and no not this time because he has to go to work at 6am to do two jobs - yeah right)
The moron.
I made him fillet steak - yummy!
He gives me a kiss on the cheek.
I feel cr@p
Lovely.
I just sit down and be all 'nice'.
He asks me what the matter is and i say in a chirpy way 'nothing I'm fine, why do you ask? oh do you want some balsamic on your salad?'
He disagrees and says look i know you're being all nice and I do appreciate it just don't be so, well, nice, don't be so full on.
Great.
It's my birthday next week and i am dreading it.
The thought of it fills me with sadness and disappointment.
Maybe it might be 'nice'
I doubt it.
Maybe i should do something for myself like run myself a bath. Great!
I cannot fill my entire birthday with a bath

I'm sorry everyone. I feel terribly ungrateful and I feel like I am being like the child demanding answers.
Rant over (for now)
I will carry on. Pick myself up and dust myself down. I will keep the reminders to myself, that he is ill. That he is unable to function 'normally'. He has lost his reasonability. I have read and re-read and re-read the 5 points to celebrate and now I've calmed down because i know you're right.

The fact is he has now had his blood test and it's just a waiting game for the results and when he see's his gp in 12 days time.
I feel so terrible hoping that there is some thing. Feel so awful wanting that to be what finally gets him to sit up and listen.
Will he, my husband I once knew ever come back? Will i ever be able to sit with my husband in our garden with a glass of wine? No-one can really answer that i know and generally speaking it seems it is likely he will do once he is on the road to recovery. Mind you not after last nights announcement that he is not taking any tablets as he isn't suffering from anything serious, he's just a bit 'down'.
Oh denial - isn't it wonderful.
I am also considering that he is now an alcoholic. i have pondered over it a lot more the past few days. Or is it that he is desperately trying to self medicate? I am on the fence with that. I think maybe he has made himself one. If that is the case i am not sure how I feel about the implications. It's too much more to take on to get my head around. I am pretty sure that because of the alcohol intake that is why he hasn't been prescribed any medication at this stage.
He said he'd had a couple of pints before he got home and then had 3 large vodkas. I'm writing this all in the diary I keep.

I'm sorry everyone and i do feel I must apologise. I was going to delete this and not say all i have, but then I'd be not saying all my true feelings and thoughts and I know only too well that that isn't very good.

I'm on this rollercoaster and I'm feeling very, very sick.
Thanks though. Like I've mentioned before knowing I can just be myself here does help a tiny bit.
I feel exhausted and I've been up for over 2 hours already. I'm going to be even more tired later and with a long drive tonight doesn't make for a very good outcome.

x
  Reply With Quote
Old 24th May 2010, 10:10 AM   #32
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

Hiya,

Oh, that's freaky - I was feeling pretty much the same way when I posted my 'blue' post. Rant away, I've been having the same sorts of feelings but not had the guts to express them!
Quote:
I am a wife - his wife and quite attractive, quite nice and deserve far better than this bullsh*t nonsense.
Damn right.

Yes, it's bl**dy frustrating. He told me he wished I'd stood up more for myself when he was being nasty, and then winges that he's too scared to speak to me for fear of saying the wrong thing when I do (gently) point out he's being an a*se. ???!!!!!

Don't beat yourself up for feeling like this, it's totally normal and I've been there too. I am really wondering right now whether it's worth it, because I find it hard to believe he's going to be that different once the meds kick in. Who wants to be with an a*se?

You do need to get away from his sphere of influence now and again for the sake of your sanity. I know, I worry about my OH too but they're old enough and ugly enough to look after themselves. I can't be his nanny.

Try not to feel awful for wanting him to be diagnosed sick. He needs help. You can't keep going on like this, and if you leave he'll probably feel even worse, so you really are helping helping him immensely.

It's fine to want answers. There's a lot up in the air for me - how much of this is him and how much of it is the depression? Does he really not want me, 'cos if so, I'm off. Had he been like this on and off for most of his life as he says? If I stick with him am I just letting myself in for more of the same in the future? Have I contributed towards his state of mind?

I hope those 'points to celebrate' weren't patronising. I just feel more positive about your situation than mine - I never got a voluntary hug or kiss from mine in the last 4 years, so I'm a tad envious! (please, please don't let that make you feel guilty about your anger- just means I've possibly been more of a doormat than you...)
Quote:
Mind you not after last nights announcement that he is not taking any tablets as he isn't suffering from anything serious, he's just a bit 'down'
Oh b*ll*cks. Yes, my OH is still on that one too -
'I don't think there's anything wrong, it's just the way I am'
'Ok, fine, you want to be like this for the rest of your life?'
'No…'
Unspoken scream: So try the bl**dy pills then!!!!! Mental image of me bashing him over head with frying pan….

He's admitted he feels ashamed of it, it's un-manly to have something like depression, so admitting to it is admitting he's a failure and that he can't cope. I tried to reason him out of that one, told him that going to the doctors was him taking control of it rather than it controlling him, but you know how logical their thoughts are...

I think you're right about the alcohol. The father of a friend of mine was severely depressed and an alcoholic; apparently it's not uncommon to try to blot out the depression with the alcohol. He ended up in a residential clinic to address the addiction and the depression, and since he's come out he has apparently been a lot better.

Don't apologise; you've helped me feel better because I've been having similar thoughts and feelings and now I know that's normal, I can allow myself to be p*ssed off with the situation! So thank you.

A couple of thoughts

A)Maybe consider surreptitiously recording him being mean to you? I wish wish wish I'd recorded him being nasty to me. I thought about it plenty of times because I wanted to be sure I wasn't going crazy, but I never did. The plan would be when he's better, you can play it back to him because they do have that habit of forgetting what they've said from one week to the next, and not fully comprehending how mean they've been once they're reocovered. If my OH gets better and decides he wants to give it a go, BOY is he ever going to get it!

B) I'm going to write down all the nasty, thoughtless comments he's made to me. To remind myself if we end up permanently seperating, and to remind him if he does recover. I feel a little cruel about it, but I think he aught to take some responsibility for his behaviour, and it would help him understand how I'm feeling.

Huge hugs and keep ranting,
Axxx
  Reply With Quote
Old 25th May 2010, 02:25 PM   #33
So alone
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

Well as usual it never rains it pours. I advise a cup of tea before reading this, because this is a terribly long and horrible storm.

On Friday he took me to the ballet. He was being pretty ok too. I got a little upset about ‘us’ afterwards and he held my hand and said to not worry and that he’s getting help now and we’re getting there. I felt a bit nicer.
I got up tight when he said that it’s such a lovely sunny day – the kind of afternoon where you just want to find a nice beer garden. I got all up tight about that but then I realised that any ‘normal’ person would say that so I let that go. We went to the pub for one pint.
Marvellous.
I perk up a little. I leave to go up north to my parents and he says he has to go to work for a late one because he has stupidly said yes to all sorts of work – none of which he is getting paid for. (His words not mine)
I thought well at least he won’t be getting drunk.
(Why did I think that…?)
The next day I was due to come back and so rang him. He was being all off and funny to the point of being rude. Just one word answers, monotone voice, irritated, that sort of thing. Asked if we were both going out that later that evening and he was all off and reluctant. Anyway decided to ignore and got back home about 7pm.
Found him in the front garden with a vodka and coke. Asked me to promise not to have a go at him because he didn’t go to work yesterday he came home and drank half a bottle of the 1.5litre vodka, worst of all it didn’t touch the sides he says.
I didn’t have a go but offered my support and love and thanked him for being honest about it of which he returns with ‘you’re such a special person, a truly loving and wonderful girl but I am struggling with us as I don’t think we can carry on together, I’m really not happy being with you and I think it’s best we split up. (This is killing me) I then take the tak of ‘alright then that’s ok but as a friend you surely don’t want to be like this’ he agrees.
(FRUSTRATION DOESN’T DESCRIBE IT!)

He then talks and the flood gates open about his life, about his bullying at primary school, at secondary, at work. How one of the bullies he found out some years ago committed suicide and that he feels like ‘ha, serves him right’ he then says he knows he ought to feel guilty for feeling that but doesn’t and that his life was made such a misery. He remembers an older boy helped him. This makes him cry more.
He is crying and crying and crying. Just gently soft crying about everything. I ask him if he thinks he could ever be happy? He shakes his head and then I ask when was the last time he was truly happy and immediately he looks up and says 12 years ago and can remember the exact moment. He then says he became weak and didn’t stick to what he wanted with his life and he knows he only has himself to blame for being like he is now. He said he doesn’t know how to be happy with himself as he never has been. It’s best if he makes other people happy as he can do that. He talked about more things about his dad and the manic depression. His perspective. How he was so unconfident he would run away from girls, didn’t have a gf til he was 25. How he shut himself away in the basement to tinker with engines as that’s what he knew best.
It hurt so much to see him suffering but I also know it’s the only way.
I made a ‘pledge’ for him to sign that said the he would promise to continue to get help and the only way out is to be totally honest about all of his feelings even if they weren’t very nice but that he deserves to find true happiness. He signed it and wrote thank you. He was still crying and I said I wanted him to read some stuff about depression tomorrow. He looked me in the eyes and promised me he would. He held my hand. I then said look lets just at least be friends and go out and forget everything. H said that’s what he’d prefer.
I of course put on my best dress and face and we went out. He said I look very attractive and that he ‘of course fancies me’ I jokily remind him that I’m just his friend now. All through the evening he would notice other men looking at me and then become all protective of me. Putting his arm around me, jokily pinching my bum etc. he then leans in to kiss me and I jokily point out that ‘friends’ don’t do that sort of thing’ he jokes back that ‘these sort of friends do’ and kisses me again!
He was hammered and doesn’t remember us in the last bar nor getting home.
The next day he came back from doing some exercise and was quite up beat although he had pain in his side (liver I suspect). But it was nice it genuinely was. He told me he had had a really good time.
He suggested going to the park and also that his brother and wife had invited us round to theirs later. And this is the point where I felt very uneasy.
Since this started I have received no contact from any one of his friends or family at all.
There has been nothing.
I’ve not gone into any detail about his family apart from my first post. In brief my husbands mother (the wonderful mother in law), has for the past 2 years since we have been married made put downs about me, remarks, jibes, pokes, unpleasant comments all shrouded in a happy voice. Not just to me, but to my parents, to family friends and to her family. Behind my back to my husband she has said things like I am a bit fat and lazy, why can’t I do some exercise, (I had 2 discs in my neck rupture and it has been torture and I’m extremely lucky I am not paralysed) that I am this, that I’m not good enough, that I should be a certain way, that I’m jealous of my H (!). That I am arrogant, I am cold, I am not worthy to be with him, that she ‘has tried to get on with me but I’m not a nice person’ that I am a ‘powerful woman’ (WTF?).
She cuts me out of family gatherings in a very stealth like way. She will invite him to things but not me then makes out I am invited after all. She will say things to him when I’ve gone out of the room and be as nice as pie to my face. To my face she says how good I am and says she offers he support. When the chips are down she just stabs me in the back time and time again.
When I’ve made silly Christmas cards or arty things, she has to make a negative remark but said in a jolly manner. She says bitchy comments to other members of the family. She has been very cold, manipulative and down right poisonous. It has for me, been horrendous, more so because I have been so very ill and in and out of hospital. (I have also been seriously ill with a number of other things which have been and still are even more painful to even talk about)
She blames me for my H not being very good at things, for this that and the other without actually saying she blames me. It really is like stealth. She has told my H that counselling is utter nonsense and in no uncertain terms has made it clear what her view point is on such things. I know from my husband that when she left his father ‘she had a bit of a good time with men’ I hear from others a more serious side of things and just how many men. My H has told me that he thinks she was going to a swingers club. (!) My H’s half sister is a product of that even though she was seeing someone else. Drinks rather too much and has an opinion about everyone. She is a strict catholic I might add (oh the hypocrisy).
Unbelievable.
My h has got up tight about it all before now, but only after I have told him. We have had countless rows about it, says he didn’t hear anything, says I shouldn’t be so sensitive, then got all stressed/angry and then finally said he has ‘had a word’ to her about it.
It has always continued.
He has then turned on me saying ‘it’s just the way she is, she is not mean or anything it’s you who has the problem!’
My parents are very upset how she has treated me and also them.

My bother in law (my H’s brother) has a highly paid job in the city and is a gambler, an adulterer, a cheater, a liar. He was a well know bully at his school. He has had secret credit cards, laptops, he has even borrowed money from my H’s credit card thinking I don’t know about it. (Thinking my H won’t tell me because that’s the way he is to his wife). He has ‘pulled’ various women and when my H has told me, I am sworn to secrecy (which I have honoured I might add). He has also recently given my H money when we have been desperate. (I hated that) He drinks in secret and lies about it and a year ago my H told him he had told me these things he went ballistic. Calling me every name under the sun behind my back and worse that my H is this that and the other, that all women are ***** (fill in as you please) He sends texts to my H begging him to come out with him on the lash or is it because he is with the ‘old slag indoors ha ha’ or things like ‘oh come on mate, why’d you want to be with her the silly cow, come into town I’ll buy all the drinks’. My h has started to defend him by saying ‘this is just the way he is- he doesn’t mean it, stop being so sensitive, he likes you, he always talks about women like that not just you!’
He started to delete the messages, not because I would read his phone in secret, but because I would ask him what was put. He has told me, this way he then can’t remember. (And can’t be accountable nor face the truth that his brother is being horrible)
For the past few months when this brother in law has gone awol his wife is ringing my H because she is pregnant and scared. She has called the police because of ‘his behaviour’. The B.I.L was taken away for the night. Again I was sworn to secrecy. She knows he is like this and has told me she is only still there because of their first child and the one on the way. She then displays classic denial behaviour.
It is her choice and I have never once even mentioned any of the above. It is always small talk and pleasantries.

However we went over there. The Brother in Law is persuading my H to go to the offy whilst his wife is upstairs. My h is looking at me and saying ‘er, I’m not feeling so good today mate so will give it a miss’. (I take this that he hasn’t told him about his liver). The B.I.L is insistent so off they go ‘for something non alcolholic’.
I chat to my B.I.L’s wife and she is past her due date so the baby might come anytime (quite literally) and she proceeds to tell me what the mother in law has been saying over the past few weeks since my H made the announcement the he doesn’t want to be with me.
It is pure nasty, vindictive, poisonous comments, that he can find someone better than me, that he is not to have children with me and thank goodness we don’t have any, that she will help him to find a much nicer woman, that I’m no good for him, worse, more and more pure nastiness. It took my breath away because for the life of me all I could think is what on earth is it I have done that is so bad to warrant this treatment? I can find no reason. None at all. I’d never be one to say I’m Mrs Wonderful, I’m not perfect but I’m jolly well kind and thoughtful and loyal and silly and funny and capable and loving and have never and would never ever behave like that.
It really hurts. Really, really.
I wouldn’t mind half so much if I had done something but I’ve always been honest and loyal to him.
I don’t know why but I guess I went into shock of it all. I think it was the final straw.
They come back from the offy and I just sit there. I barely say a word. I just can’t.
I make an excuse to just go out I need to make a call. I was gone over an hour and I knew I truly couldn’t take this slander, this slagging me off for no reason anymore.

I came back and the BIL let me in, I just muttered I need to go home. He runs up to the top of the stairs and launches into a tirade of abuse, (no one else is about) how my H can do better than me, that I just pull him down, yelling at me to eff off that he is only miserable because of me and comes in close to my face and says ‘if you are still with him in six months time, I will kill you myself’ I then start yelling that I’m calling the police and my H and the other wife come down, she is crying hysterically, their other son is screaming, all I can manage to retort is to tell him he is a bully a liar and a cheat and then he says I am a nasty person who divides people up. I ask but like who??? He says his mother, my H and that I am screwed in the head that my H has married a nutcase. That from the moment he met me he knew I would be trouble, that my H is much better than me, he is threatening me that he is going to get really angry if my h doesn’t remove me. All I can manage to say is at least I know how to love someone, at least I’m not a liar, that I’ve never bullied anyone. I will call the police and maybe they might take him away like his wife did.

He looked surprised that I knew that but is carrying on effing and blinding. The wife is screaming at me to please don’t call the police. He then starts talking over me like I’m not there, saying to my H, ‘it’s ok mate, we’ve all talked about it, you know what you have to do, just get rid of her, we’re all here for you, sadly you married a fruitloop and we’re all gonna be strong for you, just take her away and do what we all said’ He kept saying it and saying it. ‘Don’t worry mate we know it’s hard but just do it, you know you have to it’s the only way’
The whole thing was ghastly, awful.


I was in a complete state.


I am still shaking today and this happened on Sunday. I have been hysterical since. I have barely eaten or slept. I am very afraid and I cannot take any more.


My H behaved like this: I was screaming and screaming for an hour and still when we got home and he sat with his arm around me, kept saying over and over that he is here with me that I am his wife, trying to soothe me, trying to calm me, saying he just doesn’t understand why his brother would say something like that. That he heard his brother say it all. I’m completely hysterical. He is crying too. I am yelling/saying we are finished that there is no way in hell any marriage can survive this constant barrage of stealth attack. I do not want it and who could ever get through this. The undermining, the slagging me off, that his family are just nasty, poisonous and all I want to know is what on earth I have done. I’m screaming and crying all this. I am begging him to tell what I have done, what is it, that he must know and please to tell me. I am begging on the floor for him to tell me what it is. All he manages to say is, ‘they see me as not happy and when we’ve had a row I call them up and they see you as the person who makes me unhappy’
F*cking great!
He is saying that he wants us to work out, that I am to see the positive that ‘I am now going to the Drs for my depression, and that we are going to relate to sort us out’
I am screaming at him that his brother has just threatened to kill me. Our relationship will not survive this. I will never ever be the relaxed girl you met after this. I cannot stop shaking. I am hysterical. We sat there for 4 hours going over and over. His brother text his saying it’s best to get rid of me and I’m sure I’ll read the text but to carry through getting shot of me. I’m just sobbing and shaking. The H kept saying that he means what he says, that he wants to work it out, that he is going to call his mother first thing to put a stop to it all and then speak to his brother. To end all of this nonsense, why do people say things? He then tells me other things that other members of his family have said behind my back to him.
I just can’t F*cking believe it!
What on earth have I ever done?


I point out that his family can’t respect what HE wants because if they did they would respect the fact that he wants to go to relate with ME. That he has chosen to want to be with ME.
Why the eff is he telling them things! I cannot stop sobbing.
I ask him that he must know that what they have done is so very wrong, surely he isn’t blind, surely he can see it all now?!? Does he think it is normal to treat someone like they have me? Can he see how they have damaged us? He is nodding and saying yes, he realises now and it’s not right. I am crying and sobbing and shaking.

I speak to my parents and tell them what has been said, my mother is crying and my dad is saying he is so hurt by all this wicked vindictive behaviour. That his mother must be so very jealous of me, that he loves me very much and that even though I am his daughter and maybe biased, there is no way anyone in the world deserves the way I have been treated. Reminds me that I have set up my husbands business as well as my own, that I have learned to cook a dinner for £1, that through all the financial hardship, the illnesses I have suffered and all we have unfortunately endured that no one deserves to be made to feel like this.
I am blessed for good parents but cannot stop sobbing and screaming. I just do not understand.


My H still holds me then put me to bed, in our bed and held me all night. I kept waking and crying and screaming and he held me. Kept repeating what he said.
He said he will call me throughout the day that ideally he doesn’t want to leave me in such a state but there are appointments at work he can’t cancel. He has his arms around me, ‘that he can’t have me be made to feel like this’. He reiterates that he will be calling his mother.
He called me three times through the day that his brother is at the hospital as she went into labour after we had left. I was now petrified about the stress of it all for her, (but she has given birth to a healthy boy and all is well). He was soothing and calm and told me he had smashed some things up at work because he was angry, because he had spoken to his mother, that her defence was things have been taken out of context, that she was upset. (I’ll bet she was bleating that). He agreed with me that there is no defence, that they shouldn’t be said in the first place. He wouldn’t tell me anything else that was said but that enough is enough and that she is not to ever say anything ever again.
I don’t know.
That his brother had text him telling him to pass on ‘sorry, for what it’s worth’
Sorry?
HOW ABOUT EFF OFF!!!!!
I find an apology even more offensive. My H is saying I’m sure he is sorry and doesn’t see my point that he could have texted ME, that by saying it to him instead is once again another way of manipulation.
I am still all over the place, crying and sobbing one minute, calm the next. I cannot relax properly at all. I am shaking as I type.


However, my h has been reasonably consistent with his support for me, that he wants us to work it out, that this is going to stop. I said I think I may need to hear him show his support for me in front of them. To have them come round so I can see it. He said he can see why that’s important. Said he is struggling with it all now but wants to sort it.


Here I am, shaking and grey and exhausted. I cannot even concentrate and it has taken me 2 days to write this. I can only hope that my H is finally seeing the light and can somehow muster the strength from somewhere.
Please help.
  Reply With Quote
Old 26th May 2010, 12:47 AM   #34
dander
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

total outside perspective -

you're better than this. noone deserves crap like that and you're a saint for tolerating even a fraction of it.

just walk away from stuff like that where you can - if his family are going to be that pyschotic you are better removing yourself from the situation and leaving them to it. It is no reflection on you - nor should you take it as such.

I think you need to focus on you, forget your H and his family for at least a while. I think you need to remember just how great you are as an individual not just as part of a couple.

The tough bit - which others may contradict me on -is that I think you'd be better off letting your H sort himself out, rather than being a crutch for him. Sounds like you're in limbo at the moment, waiting for little reminders of your relationship when it was good. You can't live like that. My advice is get some space from it, and if he wants to sort things out then you start with a frank conversation with his family, which he has to drive. If he can't do that - I'd question his commitment. I also think you'll continue to struggle whilst their poisoning his mind against you, so they need to support you as a couple or at the very least butt out.

Wish there was more we could do - just remember, the most important thing is you right now, not anything or anyone else.

Apologies if my advice is rubbish - if nothing else, take it that you have at least one more person who hopes you get the best possible resolution out of this and are happy again in the very near future.
  Reply With Quote
Old 5th June 2010, 11:46 AM   #35
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

So Alone,

So, so sorry, I've only just read your text and it sounds absolutely awful! Sending you huge, massive internet hugs.

I can only say that at least your H has finally seen his family's behaviour towards you in away that he can't deny or dispute. From everything you've said, it sounds like far, far from you being the issue - especially given the problems he had in his youth - it's his family that have quite thoroughly b*ggered him up.

The only reason he is getting help now, is because of you. Just you. It sounds to me like maybe they want you out because they don't want him to get better? They're used to him being the way he always has been - sounds like he's got low self-esteem, confidence issues and lord knows what else going on and always has done. From what I can recall of my self-help books, if a member of a dysfunctional family starts to look at improving themselves it can cause massive resentment in the family - that indiviual is stepping outside their usual role.

I think Dander has got a point; the only other way I can see past his family effectively breaking the two of you up is to cut contact with them. Could you ask him to do this so that the two of you can focus on the relationship withou having this extra burden, and maybe make it a temporary thing - say no contact for 6 months?

I think the idea of a contract was a great one, and good on you for thinking of it. Taking that one step further, could you perhaps draw up together a list of what you would like your life together to look like in the future, and what can help or hinder you getting there? That might help him see that his family, as things stand, are just hinderances?

I've just come across this book, it's called 'Is he depressed or what' by David B. Wexler and it's specifically written for partners of depressed men. Unfortunately it won't help with the family issues, but I wish I'd read it some weeks back - I particularly like the sugestions it makes for communicating with them.

It's such a shame that situation at is BIL happened, as him openeing up to you in the garden sounds like a MASSIVE step forward.

Thinking of you, hope all is as well as it can be and let us know how you are doing.

Take care,

Axxx
  Reply With Quote
Old 11th June 2010, 01:19 AM   #36
So alone
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

Well it's been a few weeks since I've been on here feeling able to reply and add to my post. I've really struggled physically because of everything and so much more has happened since that once again I don't know where to start.

Well it was my birthday 2 weeks ago and I was up at my parents and he sent me some flowers by interflora. Great I hear you all say, how mazing and thoughtful. Well that's what I thought but isn't it truly amazing how wrong thoughts can often be....

I drove back home with them, got dressed up and he took me out for dinner. Was very complimentry about how I look and told me he loves me and wants to work things out. Said it was my birthday weekend so the next day took me into London for a day out. We even chose some cutlery from Debenhams with some of the left over vouchers from our wedding. he suggested I try on some pretty dresses. It was all very lovely. I then make the quite clearly foolish mistake of asking him what he wants from us. He leaps up aways from me and demands I do not mention any of 'that stuff'. I naturally find his reaction really odd and upsetting and ask but I just need to know no matter what. he turns and shouts at me that he wants our marriage to end and doesn't want to be with me anymore and he has been biting his tongue because he wanted me to have a nice birthday. I point out that I just want the truth rather than pretend. I ask him what he meant by biting his tongue and he proceeds to tell me that he doesn't love me, it has all been an act this last week because he saw how upset I was after the BIL incident. I'm staggered and ask for more and he tells me that even though what the BIl said was not very nice that I am over exagerating everything, that I am the one with the problems, that the whole thing was really caused by me and that he has been pretending for ages.

Dumbfounded is not the word.

he is yelling at me to eff off now and quite frankly it was absolutely awful. he then left me in Covent Garden and was screaming at me all sorts of profanities. He walked into a pub and downed 2 pints in front of me. I eventually went home on my own utterly miserable. Sure as eggs are eggs at 1pm he comes in very sheepish, sorry and that he knows he doesn't love me.
......................
The next evening he came home the same from the pub and was one minute as calm as a lake then decides that I am not going to the wedding we were both invited to go to at the weekend. It is in cornwall. The reasons for telling me I am not going were because he will have a cr@p time if I go, that I ruin everything, that he doesn't even like me and he doesn't care if he is being selfish.


What have I done? I ask him this and he says I am horrible, mean, and can't think of anything else and then makes up some rubbish that we always row. I call him on this because it isn't even true and he has no answer yet still 'uses' it as a reason. ?!!

Utter nonsense.

He then starts kicking boxes and swearing all at 100mph and then says he retracts it all. Then says other mean things, then changes back. my feet aren't touching the ground so I go out for a walk. It is 1.30am. I come back and it's like Jekyl and Hyde. he is happy as larry and decides to put his grandfathers gramaphone on and picks me up sweeps me off my feet and starts dancing round the living room. He then flips again to being mardy and distant and angry and it is all very odd indeed. The next day conversations flit from one hour to the next between Mr 'Normal' to Mr 'Angry irritated man' I do not know whether I am coming or going but I can tell you it is incredibly distressing.


He calls me on his way back from his doctors appointment and I can tell he has been crying. he tells me he told the doctor everything. Everything about his life, his childhood, the bullying, his father, his feelings, us, his work, his life and all the doctor said was 'so you think you're depressed? What do you expect me to do about it?' I CAN'T CHUFFING WELL BELIEVE IT!!
He goes on to tell me that the doctor 'wasn't as good as your gp' that 'it seems mental health isn't his remit' and that he has been referred to an intermediary psychiatrist which might take a number of weeks.

I really felt for him as for him to have got this far to have it thrown back in his face like that makes me so angry myself.

He tries to cheer himself up by saying 'well you did say it's hard to get the right diagnosis' and 'maybe the psychiatrist can help instead and I'll chase it up if I haven't heard anything next week'
Comes home and cries and looks utterly despairing.


Mr Normal soon disappears and Mr Angry arrives and he is flipping out and being all mean and horrible to me. he slams the front door and I run into the street begging him to really have an honest think about everything and that I am his wife. He tells me to eff off.

I then speak to him before I once again leave to come up to my parents and he is Mr Normal and says, he has thought about everything I have said and thinks I am right and that he would like to have a long weekend on his own, that he won't go to the wedding, will not have contact with his family but take some time out just for him. I call him that night and he tells me that he couldn't walk after we spoke. He explains that for some reason it was as if his brain stopped functioning (his words) said it took him a very long time to walk to work because he had to keep stopping and saying out loud to his legs to please work.


This concerned me greatly as I have been reading up daily on bipolar, mental health, major depression etc and have read that sometimes the body starts to shut down. he tells me he thinks he is not well and that he thinks he is going mental' that he is only sleeping about 3-4 hours a night, he tells me he has not eaten breakfasts, lunches or dinner for days. He promises to eat and I reassure him that he has done all the right things and we are going to get him well. He settles with that a bit and he agrees to take a copy of the gp phone number just in case and we proceed to have a very lovely and light conversation.

he gets drunk but it seems to give him some kind of sense of normality - it is very unsettling to say the least.

I half relax and stay at my folks house for far too long and come back to find his shirt on the line and guess he went to the wedding after all.


I then decide that I am beyond breaking point.

I call him, but decide to be completely calm and take it all in my stride. I know he will have spent a few hundred pounds - money we absolutely do not have yet he thinks we do (he ignores the massive debt when it is convenient it seems).

he has hidden his mobile phone bill (or thrown it) he must have something to hide because he never does that

he is in the pub - ooh surprise!
In a right state emotionally. He is telling me his legs didn't work again and that he think's he is losing the plot, that he is going to end up doing someone some 'serious damage' that he can't cope with anything at all, that he definitely does not love me and that I need to do everything on my own from here on in and I watch him drink 7 pints of stella in the space of 45 minutes - genius.


he then jokes about being on his own and to not bother with life, that he doesn't deserve happiness, that he has always been this way it;s just the way he is and that I am young and will find someone else. He is crying and angry and seems so lost. He is destined to be like this forever. it is at this point that i persuade him to come to hospital. Amazingly he perks up and asks 'will they be able to make me better then?' and what will they do? will they give me a pill or something to take away all these bad feelings?' Im all light and say maybe, shall we go and find out. Off we go to A&E

We get rushed through to 'majors' with a red card and there we sit.

He is kicking off about waiting but thankfully a nurse calms him down and convinces him to stay. Yet again at some points he flips between all calm and nice to angry and annoyed and that this is a waste of time. he stays and sees the psychiatrist.

Thankfully he kicks off a bit with him too and at 1.30am we go home. The psychiatrist has made an urgent referral for him to be seen as an outpatient and that we should hear within 2-3 days. he can't be held against his will because he is not psychotic nor suicidal.

This is where we are at. It has been 3 days and nothing has come through. He told the relate councillor that it is me who is wrong and twisting everything and that he is moving out and will not be telling me where he is going. that he only wants to come to relate so 'he can air things in a controlled environment'. Bargain! More like he can tell me he doesn't want me any more because he is too much of a coward to say it my face on our own. He tells me that he knows he does not love me but 'cares a great deal' I told him to p*ss off. (then wish I hadn't but am sick of me having to be all nice and calm and pleasant) He then tells me that I am the one who is mentally ill as my parents must be also and why do I have to twist everything?!!!!!

The next day I loose my rag with him and even though he is crying and sobbing I can't help but shout at him (in anger though) how much I love him, that i am not going to throw away our marriage, why has he pushed everything so far way and please be honest when he gets his appointment through. Oddly enough he actually seemed to really listen as the next morning he made a little joke about me getting angry!


Oh boy, what on earth is going on.
Sadly my hair is (re) falling out. I have dry patches of skin on my hands and legs and arms. I have spotty skin yet it's dry and flaky. I am not sleeping and i have stomach pains now permanently. He asks me why am i being so nice to him.

I dont' think he loves me nor ever truly has because how could he? Then again i think maybe he is really ill and again, from what I have read this is also common behaviour.

My head is so full and my business is suffering and I am cross about that. I couldn't get off the sofa all day yesterday it was as if the life had gone from me.

I know my husband has.

i feel so so sad - how on earth can our relationship ever be back together again.
  Reply With Quote
Old 11th June 2010, 07:51 AM   #37
S4dB0y
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 12
Re: I want to understand

Hi SA, I only joined a week ago so have not been here long and I am working through my own 'living hell' at the moment but after reading your story my heart so goes out to you. You deserve so much more and your H is in need of a reality check. It really sounds like he is having some sort of melt down and whilst these things happen, don't let him take you down as well. I hope you get through this as quickly as possible, you sound far too good for him and he should thank his lucky stars that you hare still around putting uo with this cr*p.
S4dB0y is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th June 2010, 10:15 AM   #38
So alone
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

I called him yesterday afternoon I was up at my parents.
He was very down indeed then highly irritable the next. He told me he he was actually feeling positive until I called and that's why he doesn't want to have anything to do with me. (it's so heartbreaking hearing this). Said he had had an awful day/eve yesterday as was very low, but awoke this morning a bit more level. Said I had now ruined that and doesn't want to live anymore. he told me I drag him down that's how he knows he doesn't love me??! Shouts at me he 'has to get away from me because I am a reminder of everything' I ask like what because what actually is it that is the problem. i remain calm and let him shout and swear. (it is so degrading).

i try to reassure him that we are just waiting for this appt. he is yelling and effing and blinding at me and what he thinks of me. I try and point out to remember that i am not the cause of anything bad. That makes him worse and the raging continues, he then is screaming at me that he is 'f*cked' and do I not get it?!! Am I stupid?!!! I gently ask him to explain, i tell him i really want to understand so he can be well and he tells me again that he can't live like this that he is losing the plot, and that he is not blaming me (and how dare I think he is) but that it is all to do with me and he doesn't want me anymore' he repeats that I pull him down so I tell him but I'm a jolly person and apart from all this stuff am happy, my business is going well and how on earth do I drag him down when i arranged parties, fun things and like doing that? He just freaks out, yells that he is is glad that I'm so effing happy and hangs up.

i call him back and let him scream some more, he then says he wanted to somehow tell me he is thankful for the help i am getting him but says I 'have blown it' says he only will talk during our Relate session. I ask when I would be able to talk to him about my feelings and he says at the relate session. I made the mistake of trying to reason with him by saying half a session of 20 min each isn't long enough as could he not talk to me at home ill promise to listen? he says no way. I ask if he wants to go to relate to get things 'back on track' and he says no he want's to tell me things in a controlled environment. He then starts shouting at me for 'making him feel like sh*t' and I try to reassure him that I'm certain he will get a phone call and to try and be calm if he can.

i am barely struggling anymore.

As he had not heard for an appt. I decided to call them only to find out there had been an 'admin error' and he had been referred but to the wrong department blah blah blah. Spoke to one of the psychiatrist team who was extremely helpful, sorted it out (and I actually felt a little better for a few moments) said she would be calling him later....

I decided to call a wife of one of his friends to tell her that if my H was going to theirs for a while to please just text me he is safe. What a mistake that was. she was so hostile and rude to me i have to second guess that something has been said about me but what I have no idea!! She told me that her loyalty lays with him as she has known him longer and she doesn't care what I think and she will do no such thing but doesn't want to get involved!!! ??? then hangs up!

Am I going mad? Maybe it's all me because be damned if I can comprehend anything anymore.

I came home to find him singing to himself drinking whiskey - he told me he had drunk what was in he bottle on the shelf and that he knows it was over half a litre. The psychiatrist had called but he didn't hear his phone,.
Great.
He said the message was nice and that he is to go to A&E if he cannot cope over the weekend.

i asked him if he had cheated on me and would not shout or say anything but to please tell me. he said no but he had had thoughts whilst I was away of just pulling anyone.

i decided to check his phone.

i find a message from his mate saying 'just go sh@g a random - you can use my bed at the flat but make sure you clean the sheets after.

I feel worse than a piece of cr@p on someones shoe.
Why on earth would a supposed friend suggest that??:con fused:

What on this planet, in this galaxy, in the universe have i possibly done??
How can he even contemplate treating me like this??:con fused:


He has gone out this morning to do some exercise - I am highly worried if he won't come back or what.
I think I want him to be sectioned. I can't actually believe I have just written that.
At what point do I take him to A&E? That's if he will go again?

At what point can I find out what I have actually done that must be so bad and like I have mentioned before - i must have done something that i am absolutely totally unaware of. What on earth could have been said about me for everyone to be treating me like this?!!!

Dumbfounded, flummoxed, shocked - they don't even cover it.
So badly hurt and betrayed - they don't cover it either.

i have barely slept nor eaten and have been sick this morning. i don't even know who to turn to.

I can't cope like this. I can't cope with him at home. he can't cope at all quite clearly. Maybe if he was put away for a while then that would help him? Help me too?

please any advice anything - I don't know what to do.
  Reply With Quote
Old 12th June 2010, 01:21 PM   #39
dander
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

ok I'm not gonna pull any punches on this -

this guy is abusing you. You're scurrying around waiting for crumbs of affection from someone who is desperate for attention, but not got the balls to sort their own life out, or stand up for the person who should be the most important person in their life. Far easier to blame someone who won't give them any grief - sorry, but I think you're worth more than that.

Walk away.

And then enjoy the relief you feel when you no longer have to put up with this rubbish. Yeah you'll have dark times, and periods where you'll miss him like crazy. But until he sorts himself out, why would you want anything to do with him. And he may never sort himself out. You also can't fix him yourself if he doesn't want to be fixed/won't put in the effort himself.

Is that harsh? Probably a lot less harsh than committing yourself to months, years, a lifetime of misery. There's millions of guys out there who would jump at the chance to be making you happy right now.

(btw I've been depressed myself a long time ago - was on medication for 6 months until I came to the realisation that pills solve nothing, moaning solves nothing, getting off your ass and fixing the things wrong with your life is how you sort depression out. I absolutely agree with the GP who said "depression? What do you want me to do?" - its completely the right response in my experience. Pandering to someone, and giving them pills to confirm they are "sick" and can't solve their problems themselves, reduces them to a child state where they become dependent on someone else and can blame anyone but themselves for their problems. Note - I'm not even remotely medically qualified, thats just an opinion based on personal experience)
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2010, 12:41 PM   #40
So alone
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

Thanks dander i have stepped away with regards to him and me because I truly know he isn't well.
Since that post I have come very rapidly to the conclusion that he needs to be seeing a psychiatrist on a deeper level than once a week....That it must be more serious than depression.

No one knows anything about him being ill, even though he told me he has had these episodes all of his life, that he has lost previous partners that he has always had this. (he might had jolly well mentioned this before marrying me...!) He then can't reason with himself and suggested that I might be making him ill somehow, that I might want him to be ill?!!!

Told me he has to get away from me or else he is seriously going to lose his mind and might have to go and do something stupid and I surely wouldn't want that. I convinced him to stay in the house and I'll come back up to my parents so here i am.

On my drive up he telephoned my parents because he thinks that I'M the one who is mentally ill?!!! Said he was very concerned for my mental state, was lucid and calm and that I had told a couple of his friends some lies about him - this is a very sad state of affairs. He must be very desperate mentally for him to think that my parents would actually believe him. I only hope he is safe throughout today/this eve because i am calling the psychiatrist first thing in the morning.

He is not going to get well unless something drastic can happen to help him. It is way out of my realm to help and so is he.
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2010, 01:43 AM   #41
dander
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

Good for you - won't be easy but you're doing the right thing (just remember to focus on you now and let his family worry about him)
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2010, 02:28 AM   #42
dazed and confused
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 110
Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone

If you try to figure them out it will drive you crazy. I know it hurts when everyone else is their friend and you are the enemy. My H was like that 3 months ago then went on meds. He was doing so good he was my old H back. Then because he was working so much he forgot to take them for a week now he's at square one again. All the name calling is back and how he has no feelings for anything. I know it's not my fault and you have to realise it's not your fault either. Will they ever change or get better ??? I don't know so you really have to look after yourself first. My H will blame everything on me so I'm staying as farway from him as I can ,so he'll realise it's him not me that makes his life bad. So just do what you have to do for you right now.My H's friends were the same ( go out to strip bars and whatever) now they're starting to see the ill H because he doesn't have me as his sounding board anymore. So just try to step back abit to give you both space right now.

Take Care
Big Hugs
Val
dazed and confused is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2010, 10:01 AM   #43
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

I'm so sorry things have got worse.

I think you're right, it does sound more serious than depression.
There's a UK site http://www.sane.org.uk/DiscussionBoard/viewforum.php?f=5 for those with mental illnesses and a forum for those who are concerned about or supporting those with mental illnesses. I hope that might be of use to you?

You have done nothing but stand by him and try to help. I think you've been amazing for putting up with it all, and I hope you get a bit of peace and a rest at your parents.

Huge hugs,

Axx
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2010, 01:29 PM   #44
So alone
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for replying - believe me this is all I have to keep me from losing the plot myself.

I have just called the psychiatric department and they have booked him in urgently in 10 days time (another 10 more long and drawn out, miserable, everlasting, upsetting, unsettling 10 days) . However I'm one for normally being chipper - at least he has an appointment! And the psych duty worker was pretty good and said that often the anger and blaming behaviour towards me is because the truth really is just too painful to hear/understand that really it is actually him.

I am still so upset that I am being painted by him and his friends and family as the devil incarnate. Can't quite believe that he is that ill he isn't telling the flaming truth. That I am portrayed as some horrible woman. And the fact he has been that bl00dy clever he has suggested to them that all that is wrong with him is he is miserable in our relationship - that that is the cause of his distress. Arrgghh!

I feel persecuted and like it IS a conspiracy against me yet I try and think rationally and all I come to is 'no surely not don't be ridiculous he can't have not told them the truth... he wouldn't behave like that surely?? Not my husband no?!' then a voice in my own head says well look at the evidence... And now after talking with the psych I can see how much denial he is living in that he would do and believe anything for the truth to not be as it is.


My head hurts but not as much as my heart.
  Reply With Quote
Old 14th June 2010, 04:59 PM   #45
Wiggle
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: I want to understand

It appears to be a common trait for depressed men to dump on their nearest and dearest - us. And of course when we get sick and tired of being treated like dog poo, and leave them to it, they see that as confirmation that we never really loved them in the first place. Damned if you, damned if you don't....

They honestly have no idea of how nasty they can be. Which is why I wish I'd recorded my ex. I have one deaf ear. He's told me twice that me having a deaf ear irritates him because he has to repeat himself

I'm really glad to hear he's got an appointment. I hope something good comes of it for the both of you. But please look out for yourself - you can spend a lot of engery trying to sort him out but you can't force a cure on them.

If it's any consolation, I had a conversation with my doctors regarding men and depression. When I mentioned I'd come across a lot of women dealing with depressed husbands but few men with depressed wives, he stated firmly that women are far happier seeking help for mental health issues than men. To quote, 'Men stick their heads in the sand'. So your H is acting normally - for a man with mental health problems...and it's NOTHING to do with you. You are stretching yourself thin to help him.

Fingers crossed,

Axx
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 12:59 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer