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Old 24th September 2012, 07:17 PM   #16
chosen
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Re: Hope Springs

[QUOTE=Raymond;72260]My son got married at twenty two the other not yet married at twenty three and no girlfriend.

I think people may be leaving it too long. In the late thirties there can be child complications. Sometimes one has no choice though if circumstances do not co-incide with meeting the right person.

Would you say you enjoyed some of your first marriage Chosen? Before it went wrong that is. That must have been devastating.[/QUOTE]

Oh yes in many ways we had a good marriage, and there was no sign at all that it would end. I just thought we would grow old together and divorce was never in my mind. However, it was things outside the marriage that he had done (that I foudn out about) that ended it, as you know, and it was as sudden as if he had dropped dead on the spot. In the morning all was normal, and by the afternoon I was a single mum and the marriage was over and I told him to leave. Totally and utterly devastating. Your whole life as you knew it, ends in a moment.

However in the years after he left, I was able to see that he was in fact very manipulative, controlling, and was also an angry person and very inconsistant, so a lot of the time we did have to walk round on egg shells. He also lost his temper a lot with me and the kids. I suppose that was all I knew, and my dad had been quite angry at times, so maybe I thought it was normal.

My second husband, bless him, is the total opposite.He is totally laid back, incredibly patient, kind, funny, caring and godly. Being married to him is a total pleasure. I am so proud to be his wife. This marriage is something so special and I am far far happier than I was in my first, although I did love my first husband. Its all comparative I suppose.
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Old 24th September 2012, 07:26 PM   #17
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Re: Hope Springs

22 is quite young for someone to marry these days isnt it Raymond. Especially for a guy. Its not so unusual for Christians though, as they usually dont live together.
I agree with the age to have children. SO many women are leaving it too late now. A lady that I know has just has her first at age 42!!!!Another has just had her 3rd at age 49!!!!!!!!!!!Crazy.
My sons wife is not yet 30, so they have plenty of time, and my daughter married this year at age 31 so she is aware of not wanting to leave it too long, especially as they would like 2 children. She doesnt want to have children past 40, and I cant blame her. The risks are so much higher then, both of disability and of miscarriage and difficulty in getting pregnant.

My step mother had my half brother in her early 40's, and while he is only 18 now she is 60. You get far more tired as you age. I cant imagine having a baby in well into my 40s'.
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Old 25th September 2012, 05:58 AM   #18
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Re: Hope Springs

Reading the latest studies on marriage it almost seems it becomes obsolete as over 50% couples now are living together. The reports on that situation is that mostly these couples do not end up getting married as "familiarity breeds contempt" it is said. While most regard that as a "trial marriage" there is not the same regards for the partner it seems.

There is usually the fact they maintian their separate accounts as each might pay half because there is that lack of trust. Maybe they reard that as the trial period so take no chances to comingle funds? Marriages are later these days and children seem an after thought as marriages are regarded skeptically by the young couples who wonder if the marriage will survive. It is interesting to speculate why they do survive.

Yes, Raymond, I set the 15 year mark together as a barometer of a done-deal in a marriage that MAY work out. Nothing inflexible to recognize there are good marriages with less time together. The fact so many marriages will end in later years is pretty grim statistics, isn't it? Here is interesting reading on the subjectm of divorce, marriage.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce#Europe


I remember one marriage that I thought was made in heaven, my favorite uncle. They were a fantastic couple with success, travel and luck. She doted on him and he was handsome as a movie star. I remember walking down the street with him as a kid, two women actually whistled at him! He was gorgeous and retained his good looks through to his death about 63.

It was very sad for family when this golden couple parted about 15 yrs together over several OW. He never found happiness after the divorce. There were women 30 years younger who pursued him but he lived in regret. It was for me a lesson in sadness. He did not believe in something greater than himself and he was given too much, too easy.

Divorce can rip through families like a plague as it leaves indelible scars and confusion. It would be interesting to read the studies by country to see rankings on divorce issue.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 27th September 2012 at 01:45 AM.
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Old 25th September 2012, 09:23 AM   #19
chosen
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Re: Hope Springs

I do know a few marriages made in heaven (apart from mine). They are mostly long marriages, well over 25 years, a couple over 35 years, and its so special to see it.

I would say that it is never a good idea to marry a very attractive man. Far too much temptation for him when the ladies throw themselves at him. My husband knew a marriage like that, with the husband a very handsome semi professional footballer. The ladies loved him, and he loved the ladies, and had several affairs before his wife divorced him.

Although most couples do live together now, most will end up marrying them or someone else at some point. Marriage stills seems to be very popular.

My husbands marriage lasted 23 years. He never ever thought, like me, that he would be divorced, despite it not being a very happy marriage. He dosnt believe in divorce, he believes in keeping your promises made to each other despite everything, and if she had repented after her affair I am sure that he would have stayed with her. However it was she who ended it, so he had no choice, but for me that was an amazing blessing as I got to meet and later marry him. I think she is totally mad to reject such a godly and lovely guy, and she is now, well over 7 years later, still alone, and as a Christian she may well stay that way with no available Christian guys around of that age.

I still reject the idea that the length of a marriage determines its quality. As they say its quality and not quantity. My aunts very late marriage of only 10 years till he died, was one of those very special marriages where they totally adored each other.
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Old 25th September 2012, 01:24 PM   #20
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Re: Hope Springs

I don't know. Length can give you some idea of the stability of things generally although it is true that one doesn't really know what goes on in anothers marriage so it is not infallible of course.

I think the honeymoon period is a gift but we need to mature after that character wise to stand a good chance of success.
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Old 25th September 2012, 04:41 PM   #21
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Re: Hope Springs

I am going partly by my experience of my present marriage that after a very very short time was of a much deeper quality and strengh than either of our much longer marriages were. My husband said even before we married, that I understood him far better after just a few weeks than his wife did after 23 years. The same goes for the other way round.
I have 2 close friends who have both been married for over 35 years who are often complaining about their husbands. Its sad.
My parents marriage was very long, 40 years when she died, and he was having a long affair. Everyone else thought they had a really good marriage. Shows how wrong you can be. Some people do just stay togather because they are afraid of being alone, or dont want to loose their quality of life, or just through fear of the unknown, and not because they are happy or have any sort of quality realtionship with their spouse.
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Old 26th September 2012, 08:45 AM   #22
Raymond
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Re: Hope Springs

Sounds like you had it on a plate ready and waiting for you Chosen. Thank God for it.

We have had to work on ours because we were different people once the marriage happened. There was a lot of good but also potential conflict but basically we were committed to make it work and we both gradually changed and still are I think. I can say that I am very happily married although we can still differ in opinion sometimes but basically the main thing is there. I love her more now. She is a very faithful person.
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Old 26th September 2012, 10:19 AM   #23
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Re: Hope Springs

[QUOTE=Raymond;72283]Sounds like you had it on a plate ready and waiting for you Chosen. Thank God for it.

We have had to work on ours because we were different people once the marriage happened. There was a lot of good but also potential conflict but basically we were committed to make it work and we both gradually changed and still are I think. I can say that I am very happily married although we can still differ in opinion sometimes but basically the main thing is there. I love her more now. She is a very faithful person.[/QUOTE]

Believe me Raymond, the early couple of years were very hard work, with a mother in law who tried very hard to break up our marriage, an ex wife who wouldnt let go,(despite the fact that she divorced him and had an affair) step kids who werent too welcoming, and also SO much baggage with us being so much older and having been through so very much. Dont think it was a bed of roses because it wasnt, but the strength of the relationship just seemed to get us through it all despite it being such a new marriage. As the years have passed it has got better and better and we have a very calm and happy marriage, and being that we are together most of the time, we always get on so well. It helps that he is so easy going and so easy to please, very unlike my first husband in that way.
After the 6 terrible previous years as a single mum it seemed amazing. I do thank God all the time.

Faithfullness is such a good quality Raymond and not too common these days, and so vital for a marriage.That committment is what we need isnt it Raymond, to make it work.
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Old 26th September 2012, 12:50 PM   #24
Raymond
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Re: Hope Springs

It's good that you both pushed through the problems and are now reaping the rewards Chosen. May it ever be.

Yes it is commitment. That is what we are not seeing much of in the problems we see on here. For me it is as much commitment to God as anything. Like honouring her in His site and loving her and not letting her down. Sounds spiritual but the rewards are very practical with the relationship we benefit from every day.
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Old 26th September 2012, 01:30 PM   #25
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Re: Hope Springs

Yes honouring our spouse with our words and actions is so important. The Bible says that doesnt it, how we can build up or tear down with our words.I hate it when I hear people run their spouses down.
I saw what effect it can have on a man to have a wife who is critical, comdemning, who runs him down to others and who is never satisfied. My husband was like a shell when we met, emotionally exhausted, tired, unhappy and rejected. He used to come round to see me and fall asleep on the sofa! Bless.
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Old 26th September 2012, 07:45 PM   #26
Raymond
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Re: Hope Springs

What a Godsend you must have been to him at that time. Tearing down on one side and building up on your side.
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Old 26th September 2012, 08:08 PM   #27
chosen
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Smile Re: Hope Springs

[QUOTE=Raymond;72288]What a Godsend you must have been to him at that time. Tearing down on one side and building up on your side.[/QUOTE]

I am so proud to be a large part of his vindication, and the good thing is that my friends and those at our church think he is great, so his good name is being restored. I am fiercly protective of him and will not hear a word against him. Trouble is that because he had been told for so many years that all their problems were his fault, and that he wasnt good enough etc he began to believe it, and I did a lot of building up in the early days and still do. It wasnt hard though as I always thought he was amazing from our first day of contact, and also God seemed to give me this amazing ability of knowing what he needed and of understanding him in a deep way. God is good.
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Old 27th September 2012, 02:23 AM   #28
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Re: Hope Springs

Chosen...

This is a nice story to hear about your courting and marriage. There is too often negative things said about a persons' spouse. It is refreshing to hear that one is not 25 but they love each other. Now we have movies made where you see that love exists past the bloom years into the later years.

One thing I like about my husband is his great intellect. He is a little like an encyclopediia of interesting places, events and political events. There is that world traveller who saw much and stays so informed. We never run out of things to talk about. He has the Germanic work ethic and the need to accomplish things. He loves the culteral events as music, opera, books and art. I always admired brainy men but he is that and more like the Renaiissance man.

He encourages my artwork and activities and appreciates my efforts. He is rather protective and I believe him to be the most unselfish man in his generousity to me. That is a trait I never saw in men I knew because usually they were selfish, opinionated and unstable. He is always kind and puts himself out for me when he is home. He is a good man but his job is demanding, unfair and he is unavailable most of the year. It is a life I didn't choose. The benefits are numerous but the drawbacks are intolerable. It is tougher as time passes.
He is locked into what he does and there are no options. I would say without exaggeration that I love him passionately and have all the 32 years together. It has been a great adventure with travel and sharing time with someone who shares interests.

The other part are years lving alone as he is away half the year. It is a sure bet 90% of women would have had a meltdown on that.
Fortunately, I adapt well to adversity and have many other personal interests.

Life is still a great adventure.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 27th September 2012 at 05:02 AM.
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Old 27th September 2012, 09:16 AM   #29
chosen
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Re: Hope Springs

1aokgal, wont he be retiring fairly soon soon?With being married 32 years I am assuming that you guys are in your 50's or so, so it may not be long till he can be home all year. I can understand that being alone for 6 months can get lonely, and I would need to get things to do also. I suppose its like the ladies whose husbands are on the oil rigs or in the armed forces, except that the later have the extra worry about the safety of their husbands.

I am not too worried about needing/wanting a really clever husband, or a rich one,(and in that you and I differ a lot),although as it happens he is very clever and has a phd and other good qualifications. It was some time after we met that I even knew that, which shows that neither of us are too bothered about that sort of thing.

I think 2 things that really do matter to me, as well as what I have already mentioned, is a good sense of humour which we share and we laugh a lot, and also that he has a very strong Christian faith, and an amazing close relationship to his Heavely Dad. Its also a pleasure to be with a man who is SO easy to please. Honestly, he is so content and happy all the time, no matter what is happening, and he trusts God 100% for everything. I aspire to be like that!
Its also brillaint that we are together nearly all the time with him working from home, and yet never tire of that. I get sad when I hear women moan about having their husbands 'under their feet' all day, or worrying about how they will cope when their husbands retire and are at home.

Woops had better have a shower and get dressed, things to do!
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Old 27th September 2012, 09:18 AM   #30
chosen
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Re: Hope Springs

1aokgal, wont he be retiring fairly soon soon? With being married 32 years I am assuming that you guys are in your 50's or so, so it may not be long till he can be home all year. I can understand that being alone for 6 months can get lonely, and I would need to get things to do also. I suppose its like the ladies whose husbands are on the oil rigs or in the armed forces, except that the later have the extra worry about the safety of their husbands.

I am not too worried about needing/wanting a really clever husband, or a rich one,(and in that you and I differ a lot),although as it happens he is very clever and has a phd and other good qualifications. It was some time after we met that I even knew that, which shows that neither of us are too bothered about that sort of thing.

I think 2 things that really do matter to me, as well as what I have already mentioned, is a good sense of humour which we share and we laugh a lot, and also that he has a very strong Christian faith, and an amazing close relationship to his Heavely Dad. Its also a pleasure to be with a man who is SO easy to please. Honestly, he is so content and happy all the time, no matter what is happening, and he trusts God 100% for everything. I aspire to be like that!
Its also brillaint that we are together nearly all the time with him working from home, and yet never tire of that. I get sad when I hear women moan about having their husbands 'under their feet' all day, or worrying about how they will cope when their husbands retire and are at home.

Woops had better have a shower and get dressed, things to do!
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