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Old 22nd February 2010, 12:41 AM   #1
lavene53
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Unhappy He meets my complaints with trivia

US:
Me and my husband have been married for a year and a half and he is a very generous and loving man. He works hard and we have a good talking relationship. And we both have our own relationship with Christ (ThankGod)

MY ISSUE:
The way he deals with my complaints about things he does. He will find the smallest amount of the same thing in me and use it in his defence not to change.

MOST RECENT EXAMPLE:
His relationship with women friends.

He is a military servant and he is overseas here in the uk. I am a uk citizen and i dont live far from my home town and family. He maintains close relationships with alot of people online he also finds it very easy to remain friends with females from his school days, his journeys overseas and women he meets at work. He is a person that is very easy to talk to and gives good harsh advice. I would say he has about 5 close female friends and the rest acquaintences.

I recognise that he needs to keep his own contacts so I DO NOT MIND the occasional chat online with females he knows, the occasional conversation with me about them (their issues, his complaints about them, his fond memories) i dont even mind a phone call to one in particular every now and then.

All that being said I DRAW THE LINE at talking to all of them more frequently (more than about 2/3 times a week) and having long conversations with them. Talking to them about our issues or them spilling their complaints and emotions into him. Adding strange females on his social network pages and chatting to them. He used to do this alot. I didnt like it.

We have spoken about it calmly and aggressively. It has settled and came back again. At one point he agreed to cut down, and even let me see conversations that he has had with these females. He would show them to me sometimes and i would trust him enough to not even read them. We were fine i never complained.

THE ATTITUDE:
Then one day he decided to pick out all of the things that I may do with males.

Note: I dont communicate with half as many of the opposite sex, I dont talk to them more than once every couple weeks and I dont add stangers to my social sites.

He decided to pick out all the males I added on my facebook account (he has the same amount of females) and if i EVER speak to any of them online or on the phone (even if if it is my cousins husband).

HIS DECISION:
He decided that I could not ask him any questions about the people he knows, that he wasnt going to tell me anything anymore and now his flips out everytime i mention anything to do with the males I may be in contact with or anytime I mention the females he communicates with.


I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It leaves me defending myself, which prevokes an even worse response.

He does this with other things too.
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Old 23rd February 2010, 02:06 PM   #2
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Thank you Mdmquincy for your post. Check it out. Takes me a long time to get through a book but its worth it if it will help me with this issue.

It happened again since writing my post. I really dont want to end up constantly arguing, it could be a true romance killer if left untreated.
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Old 23rd February 2010, 11:21 PM   #3
Ageing Grace
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Hi, Lavene. I'm unclear whether this type of argument happens only in relation to friends of the opposite sex, or the other aspects of your life as well? I mean, does he bite back if you pick him up on leaving the bathroom in a mess (for example)?

The reason I'm asking is that people often do this "turning it round" trick when they feel guilty - in other words, they accuse their partner of the actions they feel bad about doing. Having said that, it's also a very childish response to criticism. So I think the way you need to approach your issue will depend on which 'trigger' it seems to be coming from.

Hope that made some sense.
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Old 24th February 2010, 11:53 AM   #4
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Hi, Grace, You have made sence.

Yes he does it with other things as well. The example I gave was just the biggest thing we argue about currently. Not sure what to say to him anymore about that through fear of making it all worse. This is where he does it the most.

However, with other things the same happens, if I voice anything else and seem like I'm in the clearing for making a valid and major point, within moments I find myself defending some fault he has found with me, even if irrelevant to what I'm talking about.
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Old 24th February 2010, 09:38 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

I agree with AG here. He is being rather childish in retaliating. You've obviously touched a raw nerve with the women he is relating to. Doesn't he relate to men as well?

A verse in proverbs comes to mind. Rebuke a fool and he will hate you for it. Rebuke a wise man and he will be more wiser. Listening to advice is probably his weak point. He needs to make sure he is relating to you as number one and that he doesn't put himself in danger of having an EA which will affect the marriage relationship.

Your points are very valid and he needs to be wise in what he is doing.

Raymond
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Old 25th February 2010, 12:52 PM   #6
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Yes he does. But of course men have a different way of responding. They tell him whats going on in there life and he will talk about that with them but they move through subjects quickly and talk about the things that bother them less. More fun talk, you know. He talks to these men by the same means. Email, chat, in-person, but in addition he will talk to them by phone and socialise with them too. He is very personable. And we had the conversations about the EA. He knows all this.

As childish as it may be, his defenses are which I can only describe as agile as the morphing of a Transformer (Robots in desguise. lol) . Full battle gear and v.quick. He's so mature otherwise. But why is he hanging on to these defenses of a child?

AG and Raymond....being childish I assume is fixable?...God being God and everything. From what you have said so far i think I should pray for more wisdom for us both when we pray alone and together.

But in the mean time...what do I do in practice? I cant keep talking through stuff, at him or starting any more battles...I don't want to become a nag.
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Old 25th February 2010, 12:56 PM   #7
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Oh and may I add...that although he does not support EA...some of his friends are that way inclined. Yes, we've had talks about that too.
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Old 25th February 2010, 02:06 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

I suppose motivation is paramount Lavene. I mean I am on here talking to women (and men). So are you come to that. Your motivation is to try and get help. Mine to be able to help with others if I can.

What sort of people are they and what sort of websites are they on? This is an open forum but if it was one to one and anonymous one would have to be careful. Context is everything. Chatting to women alone and seeing them alone would be a lot more worrying. I assume this is what he is doing? If I had to meet a single woman somewhere I would almost certainly bring my wife with me depending on what the reason was. I do have one to one contacts with women sometimes on business lines where the conversation get personal but it's usually in the context of them sharing problems. There are people around in the office and I haven't met the women out or anything.

If it is wrong spending the amount of time doing what he is doing, then as you say you need to pray. Through that God can get through to him if need be. I get the feeling that he feels flattered by the attention which somehow boosts his self esteem. this could show a need which isn't being met.

Just out of interest in what way are these strange women strange? There may be a possible clue there.

Raymond
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Old 26th February 2010, 08:21 PM   #9
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Ok this is a long one…

The people he talks to are usually on facebook (private chat and open forum) and a sometimes in email.

The females are a combinations of different types.

Living in America:

(Female 1) Old high school and family friend, they went to prom together never had sex with her. She is now married with a child.

The others he speaks to are single women that he is not attracted to, usually with a child and are in and out of rubbish relationships.

Such as ...

(female 2) one which he met through a friend before we were together. He has never met her in person. She has a child. Always got an issue and

(female 3) from his old work place but in and out of rubbish lesbian relationships.


Otherwise there is...

(female 4) she was in a long distant relationship and not faithful.


Here in the UK:

(female 5) My cousin... single, with three children..plenty of issues.
(female 6) I used to go church with...currently single again in and out of relationships plenty of issues. Never met her.


He has counselled them all.

There would be more single/married, with/without kids if I didn't say something about it.


When I say strange women i just mean people he doesn't know. He used to add them to check them out (appearance wise) and most of the time would delete them after.

When it comes to being around a female business contact now...he will take a male friend with him, knowing that we have had talks about it before.


TODAY (sigh)

He got a call from this person (about business) he put her on speakerphone and she was friendly in her speech (love..babe). Didnt bother me because thats how people talk in this area and ive done this before only when at a car boot sale, never to male aquaintences or friends though. But when i mentioned that he should remember how relaxed im being about it and asked him if he would have a problem if the situation was reversed, he avoided the question in the usual manna (mentioning the car boot) and said that if it was me i would be saying it back end up cheating.

Out of me and him...i am the only one that has never indulged in physical contact with the opposite sex since the start of our love for each other and the beginning of our walk with God (6.5 years).

Although we have never had sex outside of our relationship. He has been inappropriate with a person whilst we loved each other but were not quite together and a couple of females he had no relationship with during a 6 month ship tour overseas with the navy (whilst courting me).

And my crimes...i would only assume he was refering to what i have told him about me before our love for each other (still single) and in the beginning of my Christian walk.

I don’t understand why he is flipping everything on me. It seems as if its getting worse. I’m feeling so upset.

Last edited by lavene53; 27th February 2010 at 12:10 AM.
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Old 27th February 2010, 12:07 PM   #10
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

For yourself Lavene the past is the past and whatever you did before coming to Christ is forgotten and forgiven. That is how he must see you and not bring up what christ has covered.

He was obviously immoral also before becoming a christian. However there seems to be something there still operating. What we refer to as the old man. I think he is under conviction possibly and that is why he attacks you. If that is the case I would just keep praying. God could be dealing with him. He is not seriously being immoral but his draw to the opposite sex while being married to you is inappropriate. Your biggest asset is his realtionship with God. If he has that God will be working. Keep praying until the thing is identified. It could relate to something from his childhood but it is inapropriate as it is touching on your marriage.

Raymond
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Old 27th February 2010, 02:58 PM   #11
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Well from what you have said within the first para...i need to stop bringing up things too. This is not helping the situation.

Ok...so if he is under conviction he doesn't need me going at him about any of the things ive already mentioned. Gonna be hard to keep my mouth shut when he does these things and when he attacks but I pray for some serious strength and bridling.

More prayer...less talk...plenty of forgiveness and love. Superwoman then right? (sigh) : )

The biggest challenge of my life...but he's worth it.

Thank you Raymond for your views. An external Godly perspective is so precious and a blessing.

You will be blessed over and over.
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Old 27th February 2010, 03:54 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Not Superwoman Lavene just His strength when we need it. We often feel weak but He is strong and He is in you.

I think you are going to see a difference because of what you have disclosed. Try and encourage the good as well when you see it. That always helps.

Raymond
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Old 15th March 2010, 12:46 PM   #13
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

I need your help in prayer.


The situation has progressed and as I have backed off on my complaints he is now picking things out of me everyday as is he is happy with nothing I do, essentially seems although he is not happy with me.

Over last couple of weeks I've drawn closer to God and have listened to more of the indications my husband has been giving me.

The problems have roots only God can reach.

I feel like a punching bag (not in a literal sense - but emotionally).

He is going through it and as he is a very private person it is difficult for me to go to anyone. Out of respect for his privacy I pray and ask people for advice through questions about me and how i need to be rather than tell them exactly his issue.

I just need agreement in prayer. This is so tough.
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Old 16th March 2010, 10:23 PM   #14
Raymond
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Hi Lavene. Didn't notice you slip back on here.

I notice your husband is still under conviction so you must be praying. He is in attacking mode as he knows he is wrong and will look for ways to condemn you in the same thing because thats how it works when we are under conviction. Therefore don't stop praying. We shall remember you as well. There is something there in him that hasn't been dealt with yet. Although we can have a lot of faults, things relating to the opposite sex can affect the marriage in a different unhealthy way.

I hope you are having good fellowship as well.

One thing is sure, you have chosen the one who is an ever present help in time of need. The encouraging thing for me is that he is under conviction. Although he is kicking against it God will be getting through to him if he values his relationship with Him.

Try and remain humble without the need to win arguments. I think God is working here.

Raymond
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Old 22nd March 2010, 09:52 PM   #15
lavene53
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Re: He meets my complaints with trivia

Tragedy!!!!!

I found a book hidden in a secret pocket of his bag.

The Art of Mackin'

by Tariq "King Flex" Nasheed.

You only have to look at the book on amazon to see why I'm so unhappy!
http://www.amazon.com/Art-Mackin-10-...d_bxgy_b_img_b

I cant talk to him about it because of the previous matters and plus i found it in a hidden place. He's only going to accuse me of snooping. (Which i was).

Over the past few days I have resigned myself to see him for who he is and then who God is making him (in Gods own way) and decided to love him in the real sense of the word but I’m scared.

HELP!!!! What do I do now?
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