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Old 14th May 2015, 11:56 PM   #1126
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
ralf, she is your wife and she has made the decision to leave. As your wife, she deserves your respect for her decision, however much you disagree and want to deny it. The longer you deny it, the longer it will take you to recover and heal. Thats where you are stuck, in denial.
Sadly, it doesnt matter if you understand it or not, or like it or not, its her decision made for her own reasons.
With all due respect Chosen, she's not acting like a wife. She left him. She is not fulfilling any role as a wife. What does she "deserve"?

I agree it's her decision and he doesn't have to like it. He doesn't have to respect what she did, though. That's his decision.

I have no respect for my husband's decision to abandon our marriage. I can accept it--I will never respect it.

I think we may agree on the concept but not the word choice.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 15th May 2015 at 12:15 AM.
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Old 15th May 2015, 01:18 AM   #1127
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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With all due respect Chosen, she's not acting like a wife. She left him. She is not fulfilling any role as a wife. What does she "deserve"?

I agree it's her decision and he doesn't have to like it. He doesn't have to respect what she did, though. That's his decision.

I have no respect for my husband's decision to abandon our marriage. I can accept it--I will never respect it.

I think we may agree on the concept but not the word choice.
She was his loved wife for 18 years and she still is his wife, and as such he needs to respect her and her choices. OF course he doesnt have to like it, who would, but its her decision not to come back, she had decided that, and there is no marriage left if one has gone for good.

He can decide not to accept what she has done, but its pointless and will only prolong his pain and grief.
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Old 15th May 2015, 02:02 AM   #1128
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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She was his loved wife for 18 years and she still is his wife, and as such he needs to respect her and her choices. OF course he doesnt have to like it, who would, but its her decision not to come back, she had decided that, and there is no marriage left if one has gone for good.

He can decide not to accept what she has done, but its pointless and will only prolong his pain and grief.
I've known and loved my husband for 15 years, and married for 13. He's still my husband, but I can't really say we have a marriage if we don't live together or communicate. He's technically my husband, but he's not with me. He has no right to ask for my respect.

I have no respect for what he has done. But I can accept it, even if it hurts, even if it's killing me inside. I'm only accepting it because I have no choice.

It takes time to learn to accept things. We all have our own time frame, I guess. I, like you, hate to see Ralf in pain. I do understand what you're saying to him, and why. I really do. I guess I'm a bit tripped up on the word respect.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 15th May 2015 at 04:06 AM.
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Old 15th May 2015, 08:22 AM   #1129
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi

Let's not get caught up in semantics. Respect in this case isn't about admiration, it's just about understanding and accepting that as individuals our S's have the right to choose their own destiny. That destiny may not include us, and we may not like the choices they make but they do have the right to make their own future. This is what respect means in this case. Peace.
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Old 15th May 2015, 08:51 AM   #1130
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
With all due respect Chosen, she's not acting like a wife. She left him. She is not fulfilling any role as a wife. What does she "deserve"?

I agree it's her decision and he doesn't have to like it. He doesn't have to respect what she did, though. That's his decision.

I have no respect for my husband's decision to abandon our marriage. I can accept it--I will never respect it.

I think we may agree on the concept but not the word choice.
I am 100% with LDT on this, I certainly don't respect such a cruel and devastating action and neither should she and I'm very pleased to read that she doesn't respect her WH revolting behaviour towards her either, I respected my wife in every way when she was living here as my wife but I most certainly don't and wont ever respect what she has done to me only a lunatic would pay respect to something like that, the word respect has very strong connotations in my world this scenario doesn't fall under any of them, acknowledge = yes, accept = maybe when or if I'm ready, respect = never.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 15th May 2015 at 09:02 AM.
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Old 15th May 2015, 11:04 AM   #1131
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi

Let's not get caught up in semantics. Respect in this case isn't about admiration, it's just about understanding and accepting that as individuals our S's have the right to choose their own destiny. That destiny may not include us, and we may not like the choices they make but they do have the right to make their own future. This is what respect means in this case. Peace.
Yep thats exactly what I meant NDY, they have the right to do whatever they like regardless of what we think of feel, and we MUST accept that or we will go mad with the 'what ifs' 'why's' and 'maybes' for the rest of our lives.
Yes they have the right to act badly and sin and ruin their lives if they choose to and to deny that they have that right will cause us endless misery.

We then have the choice to accept it, respect them their choices and begin to heal and move on, or refuse to accept it and remain forever in torment and unhappiness.
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Old 15th May 2015, 11:09 AM   #1132
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I am 100% with LDT on this, I certainly don't respect such a cruel and devastating action and neither should she and I'm very pleased to read that she doesn't respect her WH revolting behaviour towards her either, I respected my wife in every way when she was living here as my wife but I most certainly don't and wont ever respect what she has done to me only a lunatic would pay respect to something like that, the word respect has very strong connotations in my world this scenario doesn't fall under any of them, acknowledge = yes, accept = maybe when or if I'm ready, respect = never.
You need to respect her and whatever choices she makes, which she feels are the right ones for her whatever you may feel or think.
Its all about acceptance and allowing another to make decisions that you may not like.

Anything else is merely prolonging the pain for you.

So its like 'I love my wife, I dont agree with the decisions she has made or what she has done, but I respect that she has the right to make them ,they are her decisions, and I need to accept them for my own emotional well being and future'.

Its accepting and respecting their right to make their own choices and decisions.

Last edited by chosen; 15th May 2015 at 01:58 PM.
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Old 15th May 2015, 12:52 PM   #1133
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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You need to respect her and whatever choices she makes, which she feels are the right ones for her whatever you may feel or think.
Its all about acceptance and allowing another to make decisions that you may not like.

Anything else is merely prolonging the pain for you.

So its like 'I love my wife, I dont agree with the decisions she has made or what she has done, but I respect that she has the right to make them ,they are her decisions, and I need to accept them for my own emotional well being and future'.
This is were detachment is pivotal. God knows I struggle with this every day but it's vital to your well being to not allow the actions of someone else to dictate your emotional well being, not matter how much you miss or love them. It's hard, really hard and I times I still feel myself back sliding but when I feel that way I try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. I have no idea when or if I will be fully detached but it's an aim that I need to try for.
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Old 15th May 2015, 01:59 PM   #1134
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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This is were detachment is pivotal. God knows I struggle with this every day but it's vital to your well being to not allow the actions of someone else to dictate your emotional well being, not matter how much you miss or love them. It's hard, really hard and I times I still feel myself back sliding but when I feel that way I try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. I have no idea when or if I will be fully detached but it's an aim that I need to try for.
Yes it is hard, its very hard, but as you are discovering it is possible with enough determination.
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Old 15th May 2015, 02:21 PM   #1135
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
You need to respect her and whatever choices she makes, which she feels are the right ones for her whatever you may feel or think.
Its all about acceptance and allowing another to make decisions that you may not like.

Anything else is merely prolonging the pain for you.

So its like 'I love my wife, I dont agree with the decisions she has made or what she has done, but I respect that she has the right to make them ,they are her decisions, and I need to accept them for my own emotional well being and future'.
It depends on how you use the word "respect" I respect everyone's right to make there own choices and decisions (WW included of course) but it doesn't mean I have to respect what they choose, i know its an extreme analogy but you could say you respect Nazi Germany's right to invade Poland, but does that mean you respect their right to commit genocide whilst doing it ?, as i said it depends on your definition of the word respect, to me it means something to look up to and appreciate, and i most certainly don't respect or appreciate my WW decision to walk out on our marriage and all the stress, anxiety, and crap that goes with it..
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Old 15th May 2015, 02:50 PM   #1136
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
It depends on how you use the word "respect" I respect everyone's right to make there own choices and decisions (WW included of course) but it doesn't mean I have to respect what they choose, i know its an extreme analogy but you could say you respect Nazi Germany's right to invade Poland, but does that mean you respect their right to commit genocide whilst doing it ?, as i said it depends on your definition of the word respect, to me it means something to look up to and appreciate, and i most certainly don't respect or appreciate my WW decision to walk out on our marriage and all the stress, anxiety, and crap that goes with it..
I respect peoples right to make their own decisions, whether I like them or not.
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Old 15th May 2015, 03:03 PM   #1137
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Like I said, this is a disagreement about a word choice. Everyone has a right to make decisions, and they can decide to hurt others. I acknowledge their right but the word respect has a different meaning for me.

And to not even admit that genocide is wrong...wow. No one has a right to murder. Anyway. Time for my morning coffee.

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Old 15th May 2015, 03:08 PM   #1138
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I respect peoples right to make their own decisions, whether I like them or not.
Yes we have already agreed on peoples rights to make their decisions, but i don't like or respect the one that has been made on my behalf and nothing on gods good earth will ever persuade me otherwise, to me that's almost like condoning marital breakdown for no good reason, to me marriage in the eyes of god is scared and should be nurtured, protected, and sustained, not to mention enjoyed unless for sinfull reasons such as abuse or infidelity which are totally different ball games.
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Old 15th May 2015, 03:14 PM   #1139
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi

Let's not get caught up in semantics. Respect in this case isn't about admiration, it's just about understanding and accepting that as individuals our S's have the right to choose their own destiny. That destiny may not include us, and we may not like the choices they make but they do have the right to make their own future. This is what respect means in this case. Peace.

^^^ bumping my own post as I think it was missed. Lets not get caught in semantics folks.
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Old 15th May 2015, 03:18 PM   #1140
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Healthy disagreement isn't always a bad thing as long as respect is there. At least we know where we stand. We might start going around in circles soon, however.
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