Yet another " I love you but I'm not in love with you" thread

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Sorry it should of said parent not partner, well you have read my thread I presume ?, father-in-law dies January 2012, husband does all he can to be there for wife in any way she needs him, wife starts to bottle grief, bottled grief along with other stress / depression related issues comes to a head July 2014 out of no where, wife tells husband that after her dad died it made her re-focus on all aspects of her life, July 2015 husband and wife still apart, husband still can't figure it out, how much of this précis fits with you ?, I don't think we have ever discussed it.

It's close and we did discuss it at the time but that feels like a lifetime ago now.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

It's close and we did discuss it at the time but that feels like a lifetime ago now.

Your not kidding, seems to have been going on forever, I don't even remember us discussing it but then again I am knocking on a bit now

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Strange though when you think about it in it's simplest terms that the catalyst for yours, mine, and many others problems is the death of a spouses partner.

Nearly everyone looses a parent though in their 40's and 50's, and few leave their marriage over it, and many leave their marriage when they havent lost a parent so I am not sure that you can blame that.

[notDoneYet]

Morning Chosen

I'm not saying that was her reason for leaving me. I'm just saying it was a factor in it, that's all. It's surprisingly common.

[ronnoco]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Sorry it should of said parent not partner, well you have read my thread I presume ?, father-in-law dies January 2012, husband does all he can to be there for wife in any way she needs him, wife starts to bottle grief, bottled grief along with other stress / depression related issues comes to a head July 2014 out of no where, wife tells husband that after her dad died it made her re-focus on all aspects of her life, July 2015 husband and wife still apart, husband still can't figure it out, how much of this précis fits with you ?, I don't think we have ever discussed it.

It's probably all entangled in some way - loosing her dad, not having children, the house not being in both names - you could go on all day analysing if things might have been different had you done this or not done that but it's a complete waste of time because it's not gong to change what is.

All the things you did, all the choices you made were choices you did together and they were the RIGHT choices to make for the situation at that time. If not, you wouldn't have done them! Had your wife said to you 15 years ago "Ralf, I really want a child" - I'm pretty sure you would have had one.

You should trust me and stop all this analysing. I did this myself many years ago and got myself in a right state over it. I would say I became fanatical amount it, going round in circles....it's not good mate.

Invest your time productively into re-building with the suggestions given - starting with that trip to the nightclub. Get yourself some new gear that fits beforehand too. You will feel much better for it. remember, it wont be amazing to start, you WILL feel very much out of place and that you are doing something very unfamiliar but you have to just battle on and make those changes for the greater good.

It will be alight in the end...it always is.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Morning Chosen

I'm not saying that was her reason for leaving me. I'm just saying it was a factor in it, that's all. It's surprisingly common.

Hi Chosen I hope your well, I'm with NDY on this too it is more common than you would imagine, I didn't do it when I lost my parents it wouldn't of even crossed my mind to do something like that in fact I would of struggled worse than I did without my wife., however death of a parent does seem to be the catalyst for both mine and NDY situations, it's almost as if it re-wires their thought patterns and perhaps they re-evaluate certain aspects of their lives sadly including their seemingly stable and happy marriages, the thing is it is actually themselves they are unhappy with not neccesarilly their husbands and this is where the whole projection thing starts to kick in.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Morning Chosen

I'm not saying that was her reason for leaving me. I'm just saying it was a factor in it, that's all. It's surprisingly common.

I suppose these things happen at that sort of time when people do loose their parents. IT doesnt usually cause someone to leave their marriage though.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by chosen

I suppose these things happen at that sort of time when people do loose their parents. IT doesnt usually cause someone to leave their marriage though.

Hi chosen

It's never the sole reason. There are always other reasons either on the build up to the death of afterwards. Or both to be honest but it can be a critical point that tips the WAS in a particular direction.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Hi chosen

It's never the sole reason. There are always other reasons either on the build up to the death of afterwards. Or both to be honest but it can be a critical point that tips the WAS in a particular direction.

Yep spot on now we are getting somewhere, it is one of often many things that "tip" them over the brink, my WW was work related stress, suicidal feelings after bottling grief, suicide of a patient in which the coroner blamed her even though it wasn't her fault, it also involved 3 close family members all becoming ill at the same time, it's all in my thread, it's all hard to believe and swallow but this is what I have had to deal with and was told no matter my head is mashed, if people ask me I basically say my wife gave up her marriage to become a family carer / taxi driver, not what I would of done but no 2 people are the same are they ?.

[notDoneYet]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Yep spot on now we are getting somewhere, it is one of often many things that "tip" them over the brink, my WW was work related stress, suicidal feelings after bottling grief, suicide of a patient in which the coroner blamed her even though it wasn't her fault, it also involved 3 close family members all becoming ill at the same time, it's all in my thread, it's all hard to believe and swallow but this is what I have had to deal with and was told no matter my head is mashed, if people ask me I basically say my wife gave up her marriage to become a family carer / taxi driver, not what I would of done but no 2 people are the same are they ?.

All of these things are just part of it. Think about it for a minute. She turned away from the one person she knew she could rely on. Sure, all these events had an effect on the outcome but there was something underlying.

My WW had issues with the M. She wast happy but was putting up with it (so she says) for a while. But then we need to remember the rule about believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do. While that's happening and they do what they do we can only improve ourselves and move on. I'm getting used to the single life. It's ok. I'm happy on my own. Wish I had S9 here all the time but apart from that I'm just fine.

[ralfgarnett]

I distinctly remember around the time her dad died how their side of the family seemed to close ranks amongst themselves, at the funeral I remember being in the same car as my wife, her 2 brothers and her mum the grieving widow, I felt honoured to be so high up in the family pecking order, BUT, I might be over sensitive but I just got the impression that I wasn't 100% part of it all and they were closing ranks amongst themselves and that it was their grief and not neccesarilly my grief too even though I loved him too and was heartbroken he had gone, it was just the feeling I got at the time, around 4 weeks after the funeral I took my wife away for a week, nice hotel by the river all nice and peaceful, good French food every day, plenty of country walks, train trips to other towns and cities, I made sure we had extra Euros so she could treat her self to some retail therapy, we talked, we walked, we cried, we explored, and I gave her my shoulder to lean and cry on whenever she wanted, I just wanted to get her away to give her head a rest, I guess I'm waffling now but what I am trying to say is that I tried my very very best to be the perfect husband at the worst time of her life, she knew how much I loved her I told her many times a day and we always showed affection towards each other, but even though we had a nice simple peaceful holiday the closed ranks feeling prevailed, later that year the choice had to be made about his ashes, her mum wanted him to be buried but couldn't face making the arrangements, so I took the reigns and organised the burial on her behalf and all the family came it was sad, but a lovely sunny Saturday, her mum thanked me profusely for doing it, she didn't have too I was proud to do it, we went for a quick couple of drinks in a local pub, we all sat down together I could feel the ranks closing again, 2 years after out of no where my wife left me, I still don't really understand.

[notDoneYet]

I could tell a very similar story and I also don't understand. But it is what it is and my WW has made a choice. That choice IMO is wrong but she made it anyway. She felt it was right for her. I still believe that event had a lot to do with it but there is more, a whole lot more going on.

But none of this matters wrt getting on with life. If my WW sat down and told me everything she felt over the last few years that pushed her to this decision it wouldn't help. This is why we say stop focusing on the why. The why doesn't matter right now just that she did.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

I could tell a very similar story and I also don't understand. But it is what it is and my WW has made a choice. That choice IMO is wrong but she made it anyway. She felt it was right for her. I still believe that event had a lot to do with it but there is more, a whole lot more going on.

But none of this matters wrt getting on with life. If my WW sat down and told me everything she felt over the last few years that pushed her to this decision it wouldn't help. This is why we say stop focusing on the why. The why doesn't matter right now just that she did.

I know mate your correct, they have a crisis of some kind which by it's very nature creates a crisis for us the LBH, and all we can do is pick up the pieces, dust ourselves down, and try to carry on the best we can.

[notDoneYet]

Yes, although I'd change the last bit to be the best we can be.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by notDoneYet

Yes, although I'd change the last bit to be the best we can be.

I don't see the difference ?.