I really don't know what to do! Help needed please

[UkGuy]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

"Agree 100%. My fear is that you are being strung along, I hope not. After such a long time she surely should be ready to at least talk about the next step. I also fear that the fact that you are on your best behaviour and trying so hard to earn her approval, that when/if you do get back together, she will be expecting you to be perfect and the marriage to be perfect and life just isnt like that. You have to be able to disagree with her and be yourself without fear of being thrown out again for disapproving or disagreeing with something she does or says, and thats why counselling now would be so helpful. You would be walking on eggshells all the time for fear of upsetting her. Have you bought up the subject of reconciliation at all?"

These are even wiser words, and are worth thinking about for all of us in this situation not just our old pal UKG, me and my wee pal had a very similar conversation the other day that in the unlikely event that we both get back with our partners that counselling would be essential now due to them putting a needless wedge between us that really didn't need to be there, it could and should of all been so different for all of us on here but that's life it doesn't always run smoothly, after a few weeks apart we could all of sorted it amongst our selves I'm sure with a bit of honesty and strong communication but it's beyond all that now for all of us, but after 6 months & 12 months apart respectively that if it ever happened not only would counselling be needed but we would have to forget the past and make a whole new future together having worked through the heartache of our partners walking out on us and leaving us in such a heartbroken state, but I would do it if it meant picking up the pieces of our marriage, my little friend isn't so sure though but I would love a 2nd chance if only good would be kind enough to show us how to do that.

Hi Ralph,

What would you do in my situation? Would you carry on or try to force things to happen?

[UkGuy]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

Why don't you ask her if she wants to go away for a few days just the two of you? Not the family, but just you both. If she agrees maybe you can make some real progress toward intimacy.

You're making progress and I see both sides of what people are saying here. After being separated for two years, maybe it's time to take the initiative and see if you can go another step. Perhaps some counseling may be in order if no further progress is made.

That's not a bad idea. I might suggest something to gauge where were at! I will wait till after our first family overnight city break and see how that goes. It's only a few weeks away.

If our communication is better than ever, how do you think a counsellor can help? On past experience they get people to talk don't they not get people back together?

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by UkGuy

That's not a bad idea. I might suggest something to gauge where were at! I will wait till after our first family overnight city break and see how that goes. It's only a few weeks away.

If our communication is better than ever, how do you think a counsellor can help? On past experience they get people to talk don't they not get people back together?

Well, if you're communicating on a good level, then perhaps counseling isn't needed. Counselors don't get people back together. I think they just make sure communication is flowing on both sides and give helpful ideas for the relationship. All decisions are left up to the couple, ultimately.

From what I've read on your thread, in the beginning she told you there was no chance of getting back together, so you've definitely made progress.

I think the trip alone for you both is a good idea. It will just be about the two of you, and in my opinion it could be good for you both at this point.

[UkGuy]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

Well, if you're communicating on a good level, then perhaps counseling isn't needed. Counselors don't get people back together. I think they just make sure communication is flowing on both sides and give helpful ideas for the relationship. All decisions are left up to the couple, ultimately.

From what I've read on your thread, in the beginning she told you there was no chance of getting back together, so you've definitely made progress.

I think the trip alone for you both is a good idea. It will just be about the two of you, and in my opinion it could be good for you both at this point.

Yes it's pretty good. If we don't like something, rather than bottle things up we say it. This is one example to what we massively failed on before.

Ironically I did quote her on that a while back and she said she said it the heat of the moment. I think we were arguing at the time.

I like the weekend away idea but do you think its assuming we're staying in the same bed or do I book a twin room. how would you see it (being a women) if you were in my wife's position and I asked?

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by UkGuy

Yes it's pretty good. If we don't like something, rather than bottle things up we say it. This is one example to what we massively failed on before.

Ironically I did quote her on that a while back and she said she said it the heat of the moment. I think we were arguing at the time.

I like the weekend away idea but do you think its assuming we're staying in the same bed or do I book a twin room. how would you see it (being a women) if you were in my wife's position and I asked?

Single rooms only, she can always knock on your door if she needs you, shows your a gent and not expecting anything, gives her something to think about, could be a deal breaker and shows your not just after dropping anchor in fluff cove, your doing all the thinking let her do a bit herself.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by UkGuy

Hi Ralph,

What would you do in my situation? Would you carry on or try to force things to happen?

Aye up UKG, as I said yesterday keep on doing what your doing you are doing great, force nothing and I mean nothing, you have come so far down a rocky path let nature take it's natural course, if it's meant to be it will work out, but forcing is the wrong way to go, surprise her you have indicated your problems from before, let her see a new you in all respects but with the good old bits retained, less pressure the better, did you force her in to being attracted to you in the first place ?, did you force her in to sleeping with you for the first time ?, did you force her in to engagement then marriage ?, of course not, so why add extra pressure now when you have come this far, slowly slowly catchee monkey, it's a marathon not a sprint, as I have said before keep on doing what your doing I think you will win back your rightful prize by just being the way you are, bon chance or as we say in Maltese Lisbah Xewqat.

[UkGuy]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Single rooms only, she can always knock on your door if she needs you, shows your a gent and not expecting anything, gives her something to think about, could be a deal breaker and shows your not just after dropping anchor in fluff cove, your doing all the thinking let her do a bit herself.

Yes, I am a gent and that could be what I need do. I will wait until after our family outing before I test the water with this one.

Fluff cove haha. So funny Ralph.

[UkGuy]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Aye up UKG, as I said yesterday keep on doing what your doing you are doing great, force nothing and I mean nothing, you have come so far down a rocky path let nature take it's natural course, if it's meant to be it will work out, but forcing is the wrong way to go, surprise her you have indicated your problems from before, let her see a new you in all respects but with the good old bits retained, less pressure the better, did you force her in to being attracted to you in the first place ?, did you force her in to sleeping with you for the first time ?, did you force her in to engagement then marriage ?, of course not, so why add extra pressure now when you have come this far, slowly slowly catchee monkey, it's a marathon not a sprint, as I have said before keep on doing what your doing I think you will win back your rightful prize by just being the way you are, bon chance or as we say in Maltese Lisbah Xewqat.

That's very true! I think this is the right path although others seem to think things are really happening.

How's things with you? Did you ask your wife about meeting up?

[Lindentree1]

Originally Posted by UkGuy

Yes it's pretty good. If we don't like something, rather than bottle things up we say it. This is one example to what we massively failed on before.

Ironically I did quote her on that a while back and she said she said it the heat of the moment. I think we were arguing at the time.

I like the weekend away idea but do you think its assuming we're staying in the same bed or do I book a twin room. how would you see it (being a women) if you were in my wife's position and I asked?

Why not just ask her if she wants a getaway just the two of you, and not say anything about the sleeping arrangements? If she agrees, she can also tell you if she wants twin beds. I wouldn't make a big deal of it. If she has boundaries, she'll let you know what they are.

[Raymond]

I think words like she ought to or he ought to are dangerous in a marriage. I have a happy marriage but when I start thinking she ought to it seems to lead to a focus on the negative. Most people are only too aware of their faults and most can only handle a few things at a time. Negative criticism is a killer. I think encouraging someone down that road and agreeing with them can affect the marriage negatively. Acceptance of the other is part of love. If they step on your toes you can always say how you feel in a non judging way. She or he ought to can smack of a wrong control.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by UkGuy

That's very true! I think this is the right path although others seem to think things are really happening.

How's things with you? Did you ask your wife about meeting up?

My wife is not top of my favourites list at the moment, in fact sadly, I am starting to dislike her more and more each day at the moment, I haven't heard from her for a week and I wont be initiating any contact for the foreseeable, as far as I'm concerned the woman I married is dead, she can f-ck off as far as I'm concerned right now, in principle I could of died last week and she didn't bother to come and see me, instead she e-mailed my best man 6 times saying how worried she was yet couldn't be f-cked to come and see me or contact me in person, he has now politely given her short shrift and told her firmly if she wants to know anything then come to me direct, I never though I would say this but she is a major dissapointment to me right now, after 19 years together and knowing each other over 20 years her attitude stinks and I hope she pays for it in some way and it hurts her like hell as she has hurt me like hell, one day soon she is going to need me and my co-operation and she knows what she can do with that, she can shove her requests right up where the sun doesn't shine, I could say more but I'm trying to unwind before I turn in for the night.

[ronnoco]

UKG - my advice to you is to ignore everyone else's advice and do what you want to do because deep, down, that's what you will do anyway.

Often in relationships, in becomes like a game and it's all about how you play it. I think you and your wife are playing a game here. Sometimes the game playing can actually be a lot of fun! - I know, I play that game now as someone on the dating scene and thoroughly enjoy it.

If you didn't have kids, I'd say carry on as you are for as long as you want. But, as you do have kids, it makes it more difficult. Your situation is strange and confusing. Children are influenced and in some cases, moulded by their parents and their actions. Do you really want your children to grow up in this bizarre situation where their mum and dad are married but don't live together and haven't for 2 years?

Your wife MUST now see that your controlling days are gone because I see it and I'm a very good judge of character. We all know you are a nice guy UKG. How long can you go on for?

I remember you saying "hopefully at Christmas" around this time last year...

You don't have to push anything. You say you and your wife communicate very well now. In that case, why not have a conversation about sex? Why not say "no pressure at all but how would you feel about us being intimate?" I mean seriously, why not? You're married, you love her, (we hope) that she loves you...perhaps the act of making love might actually help move you on to the next stage.

It's a perfectly reasonable question. I never communicated very well with my wife on this topic and it was a mistake.

We all have primal sexual needs don't we? Let's not mess about, your wife must being doing something to release her sexual urges and as guy, you definitely are - why not ask the question? As long as you specify that there is absolutely no rush - what harm, can it do?

Seriously, after all this time - she can't begrudge you asking...

This is just my opinion.

I thought the idea of a short break was a very good one btw.

[ralfgarnett]

"We all have primal sexual needs don't we? Let's not mess about, your wife must being doing something to release her sexual urges and as guy, you definitely are - why not ask the question? As long as you specify that there is absolutely no rush - what harm, can it do?"

This bit tickled me, you have me thinking now that all the blokes that post in here have at least one bicep bigger than Popeye's .

[ronnoco]

Why do you think I've got nearly 17 inch arms ;-)

lol!

[notDoneYet]

I remember you saying "hopefully at Christmas" around this time last year...

I recommend reading up on the Stockwell Paradox. I've posted about it here before.