What do I do?
Hi,
I have been having so many probloms with my H for so long. With 2 kids and 21 years being together (married 16 yrs), my H just does not understand. He has gambling, alcohole and money problems. He is not one of those angry or physically abusive type at all. He does not like conflicts, aurgument, or fights. He wants all just disappear. so over the years, we had to take out nearly $100K out, on several occasion, to cover his debt from all of the above. One time he started counselling and stopped gambing and drinking for a few years. then slowly going back to that again. A few years ago, I got lukemia and went thru treatment from chemotherapy to transplant. When I was released from the hospital for my fist chemo, he was barhopping. I thought maybe we will grow stronger together with this serious issue of life and death. Yes, on my numerous hospital stay, he visited me almost everyday. But did he stop barhopping? no. he conitnued. Between my chemo, I went to work. Yes, not my usual salary, but I brought home what I could. After all my treatement completed and was trying to get back on my feet ready to go back full time, I found his debt again. We refinanced shortly before, thinking I will have so much dr and hospital bills to pay. So we had some money. we used a part of the money to pay half of his debt. Shortly before, he lost his job and went on to unemployement. Did he stop barhopping or drinking? no. He continued till recently. No knowing all this piling up, I asked him several times to make love with me, thinking he must have missed me for a long time while I was sick. He said he is too old. (42 yrs) Kids would hear etc. I have started feeling rejected. I wanted our marriage work so desparately for ourselves and for kids. I stayed with him for us the family. I wanted to love him and wanted him to love me in a real way. Then I found his debt again. His credit card got maxed out and him being unemployed he can not get any more credit card. (that is what he did several years ago. he continued to get more and more credit cards). He tells me it's under control. He is still unemployed and getting a full umemployement. naturally he is paying lots of money for 2 credits card with nearly 25% interest. I am not offering any help this time. He is to pay for grocery and some utility. I pay mortgage and medical insurance (800 for family) and everything else. What I get so upset is that he is now paying for all those debt himself and thinking he did not do anything to us. He trys to have me pay as much as he could manage so he has more left to pay his debt and do what he wants. He has not paid a dime on kids' b-day present or their parties. He even brrows $10 or so from kids and not paying back, saying they don't need it right now... Despite that, Kids love him naturally. We share driving responsibilities of kids to activities. He is not all that bad come to that.
And I confronted him today, if he wants to talk about it, if he feels bad about it, if he feels sorry for us family etc. He says nothing to talk about it. the same all same all. He does not think he has done anything wrong.
I feel very much used by him. a little while ago, he came home with his first tatoo on his arm with my name and kids, saying I am the love of his life... It sounded so fake and redicurous. He never wants to talk about any problems period.
Am I too critical of him? Do I need to loosen up? I want our family together and want to save our marriage. How could I do without my H communicate or aknowlege his problems? Is it just in my head?
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