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Old 7th September 2010, 06:42 AM   #1
den
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 2
What do I do?

Hi,
I have been having so many probloms with my H for so long. With 2 kids and 21 years being together (married 16 yrs), my H just does not understand. He has gambling, alcohole and money problems. He is not one of those angry or physically abusive type at all. He does not like conflicts, aurgument, or fights. He wants all just disappear. so over the years, we had to take out nearly $100K out, on several occasion, to cover his debt from all of the above. One time he started counselling and stopped gambing and drinking for a few years. then slowly going back to that again. A few years ago, I got lukemia and went thru treatment from chemotherapy to transplant. When I was released from the hospital for my fist chemo, he was barhopping. I thought maybe we will grow stronger together with this serious issue of life and death. Yes, on my numerous hospital stay, he visited me almost everyday. But did he stop barhopping? no. he conitnued. Between my chemo, I went to work. Yes, not my usual salary, but I brought home what I could. After all my treatement completed and was trying to get back on my feet ready to go back full time, I found his debt again. We refinanced shortly before, thinking I will have so much dr and hospital bills to pay. So we had some money. we used a part of the money to pay half of his debt. Shortly before, he lost his job and went on to unemployement. Did he stop barhopping or drinking? no. He continued till recently. No knowing all this piling up, I asked him several times to make love with me, thinking he must have missed me for a long time while I was sick. He said he is too old. (42 yrs) Kids would hear etc. I have started feeling rejected. I wanted our marriage work so desparately for ourselves and for kids. I stayed with him for us the family. I wanted to love him and wanted him to love me in a real way. Then I found his debt again. His credit card got maxed out and him being unemployed he can not get any more credit card. (that is what he did several years ago. he continued to get more and more credit cards). He tells me it's under control. He is still unemployed and getting a full umemployement. naturally he is paying lots of money for 2 credits card with nearly 25% interest. I am not offering any help this time. He is to pay for grocery and some utility. I pay mortgage and medical insurance (800 for family) and everything else. What I get so upset is that he is now paying for all those debt himself and thinking he did not do anything to us. He trys to have me pay as much as he could manage so he has more left to pay his debt and do what he wants. He has not paid a dime on kids' b-day present or their parties. He even brrows $10 or so from kids and not paying back, saying they don't need it right now... Despite that, Kids love him naturally. We share driving responsibilities of kids to activities. He is not all that bad come to that.
And I confronted him today, if he wants to talk about it, if he feels bad about it, if he feels sorry for us family etc. He says nothing to talk about it. the same all same all. He does not think he has done anything wrong.
I feel very much used by him. a little while ago, he came home with his first tatoo on his arm with my name and kids, saying I am the love of his life... It sounded so fake and redicurous. He never wants to talk about any problems period.

Am I too critical of him? Do I need to loosen up? I want our family together and want to save our marriage. How could I do without my H communicate or aknowlege his problems? Is it just in my head?
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Old 7th September 2010, 08:36 AM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: What do I do?

It is hard to loosen up Den with alcoholism and gambling addiction staring you in the face. These are not friends but enemies and should be treated as such. He may be alright in himself but these addictions will affect who he is and they need to be fought, particularly by him. You should never loosen up with these things as that is tantamount to laying down and letting them rule. There may not be much you can do personally but you can encourage him to deal with these problems. Giving up is not really an option as it is really a matter of life and death.

Raymond

Last edited by Raymond; 7th September 2010 at 08:41 AM.
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Old 10th September 2010, 06:17 AM   #3
den
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 2
Re: What do I do?

Thank you, Raymond. I still don't know. I found the debt loan at our bank and told him about it. That way he will only pay like 8% interest on his debt instead of 25% or so. He sure went to apply. It ended up that I am the one taking up the loan since he is unemployed. Not sure what will happen in a future. I signed the loan agreement. He will be the one to pay. And the condition of the loan of the bank is to close those credit cards getting paid off by the loan. I am so afraid and unsure of my future. He will never quit drinking or gambling. He could stop when he wnats to or needs to. Now because he has no money, he stop going to bars or gamble. State lottery is the extent he plays. If this will be the way, I can take that occasional drinking at home and so on. I guess I will see.

Thank you for listening.
den
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Old 10th September 2010, 07:46 AM   #4
j92cool
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 183
Re: What do I do?

Hi Den

I wish I could offer you some advise however all I can offer you is my experience. My ex did not gamble or drink however he did like to spend my money quicker than I could earn it. He always worked but at very low paying jobs and only for appearences. He would be self employed and at home by lunch most days. He liked to live a champange life on a beer budget and the banks had no problems giving him credit cards which he would max out as quickly as possible. We drew money from our home to pay them off twice at least $100k. We cancelled all credit cards that were paid out but he had no problems getting new ones at all. As I said this cycle happened twice.

Because of this after 27 years of marriage when he left I had next to nothing left. You husband will not be able to replace his cards if he is not working but please be very careful if & when he gets a job. The cycle is so hard to break. Take Care

Hugz

Janine.
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