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Old 30th August 2010, 06:33 PM   #1
elaine1856
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6 months out

I posted here back in February after I got 'the speech'. We'd been together 6 years, not married but engaged. I've learned since that he'd met someone else. She moved in about a month after I moved out. He says of course that nothing happened until after we split up but i don't believe him. He only admitted that much when I saw it with my own eyes and even then he tried to keep lying. Not long after I moved out I started seeing someone else. We'd been friends for years and he was really there for me during the whole thing. I know rebound relationships aren't the best idea and I didn't intend for it to be anything serious but I think I was kidding myself. I'm really happy with him and I don't want to end it, but I find myself worrying that he's not that into me, or that he's going off me, or he's bored with me or whatever. Not for any real reason, just because I never saw the signs with my ex and I don't want to ever be shocked like that again.

I keep remembering how great my ex was at the start, then all the months when I now know he had met this woman and was undoubtedly comparing boring old me to her and deciding he had to get rid of me. I felt so secure with him. I really thought that we would work anything out. What I think I'm really grieving is the loss of that feeling of safety, of trust in someone. I can never get that back. It doesn't matter how great this new guy is. I'll always know that any day he, or anyone else, could just wake up and say 'sorry, I just don't love you anymore'. I want to have children-we'd planned to start this year - but how does anyone plan a life and a future with someone knowing every day that that could happen? I can't do it. It's nice and all being in a relationship but I can't take any of it seriously anymore.

It's not even about not trusting my judgement. Everyone who knows my ex, including his family, were equally shocked by what he did. I don't think I was stupid, naive definitely. But there's nothing anyone can do or say to make me trust them again. I've known this man for years and I know he's one of the most trustworthy people I know. But it doesn't matter. When I think about the future I can never include him in it. I don't want to lose another future! I don't treat him differently, I'd never go snooping or showing him I don't trust him because I wouldn't make him suffer for what my ex did. I coped with the split well and I have no fear of being on my own. But I don't know how I'm going to go through the rest of my life feeling this kind of insecurity and loneliness, even when I'm happy with someone.

I have no interest in religion in general, but I understand now that bit about building a house on solid foundations. I don't want a patchwork of a life, with 6 years of a life, an extended family, plans and memories lost with one man, 10 on the next, 5 on the next and so on. They say you don't lose the memories but when you lose the person who shared all that time with you, in a way you do. No one else can remember them with you. People keep telling me to just have fun, live in the moment, not overthink it. But that's exactly what I did last time. I went with the flow. They say I'll look back and only remember the good times. But I do remember all the good times and they were nowhere near worth the ending and the loss. How does anyone manage not to see a new relationship as temporary? How does anyone take love seriously again?
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Old 30th August 2010, 06:54 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: 6 months out

Time and time and more time. I was deeply betrayed by my husband of 23 years,and my marriage ended in one afternoon, and suddenly he was gone. Also my dad had affairs, lied to my mum and my brother and I, and did things that only now I am finding out more about 12 years after his death.My mum also left us suddenly when she killed herself(obviously she was desperate with depression), so I do have a real fear of loss and sudden shock.

I think the difference for me was that I had 6 years after my marriage ended before I met my now husband, so I had more time to heal and recover. You have gone into a new relationship very quickly and are clearly not over the last man yet, so you have sort of taken your fears into this relationship more.However dont let one man put you off all men, that would be very sad.
I must admit it has taken me a long time to trust my husband who I married 5 years ago, and I have times even now of fear and jealousy if I feel insecure and if I allow my thoughts to get the better of me, and he is the most honest and trustworthy man I have ever known. He doesnt deserve me to be like this, but he does understand. It does get better and better though as time passes, and as he proves himself to be trustworthy again and again and my trust and sense of security grows stronger.

So you need to take things very slowly I think, and give yourself lots of time to heal before making any sort of committment with any other man. Maybe in the end it is a decision as to whether we trust again or spend the rest of our lives keeping everyone away and living a lonely life.
I am sure you will trust again, its normal to feel hurt and betrayed and to want to protect yourself from further hurt, but we do need to accept that human beings arent perfect and never will be, so everything carries a certain risk.

Last edited by chosen; 30th August 2010 at 07:02 PM.
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Old 30th August 2010, 06:56 PM   #3
Helen_uk
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Re: 6 months out

Hi Elaine,

Rebound relationships work for some, but when you've been badly hurt I'm a firm believer in you needing some time to heal and regain self esteem before embarking on any kind of relationship with someone new. You haven't had time to do that which is probably why you're now feeling mistrustful of your new man.

It sounds like your new relationship got serious pretty quickly so you never really had time to to get over what had happened . As you've known the new man for a long time, have you been able to talk to him about how you're feeling ? Do you think there's any chance he would be prepared to slow things down for a while so you can have some time to work on your feelings ?
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Old 30th August 2010, 08:55 PM   #4
elaine1856
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Re: 6 months out

Thanks for the replies. I don't really want to see him less, so my way of taking it slow is kind of keeping him at a distance. When I'm on my own I do get quite down, but I don't mind because it's then i can think about what happened. I talk to him about it, but he's got a kind of a 'stuff happens', live in the moment philosophy. But it's easy to be philosophical when it's not your life that's fallen apart. He's never been through something like this so I don't think he can really understand. His last and longest relationship ended amicably and they're still friends.

I don't understand how time can make it better, or what I'm supposed to do with my feelings. The pain fades but it hasn't changed things really. I guess I just don't know how people can choose to trust someone when you're so aware that it can end out of the blue, and this person can turn into that vicious stranger as so many people here have experienced. I just can't rely on love like that anymore. It's not that I feel insecure in general and my self esteem is fine i think. I never thought what happened was my fault, though i know i made mistakes in the relationship. I just don't think any relationship is worth the risk of building a life around it. Maybe what i want is to keep my own life separate from any man so if he leaves at least I'll only have lost a little chunk of my life with him. I feel like I'm taking some loneliness and fear along the way rather than risk getting dumped with a huge pile of it at the end, if that makes any sense.

The worst part is I think it has affected my attitude to men in general. In my head I know it's horribly unfair, sexist and irrational to generalize and women are just as capable of behaving badly, but I just can't take men seriously anymore. They're all great at the start, they'll do anything for you, until the excitement fades, or they have a mid life crisis, or lose their job or their hair or whatever, then they blame you, run off in search of novelty, and repeat. And I've heard so many men justify being nasty to a partner to make her leave you by saying that they just don't want to hurt her, when really they're too cowardly to be the bad guy and deal with her reaction. I don't even trust my current man not to do that. He said ages ago that he'd been guilty of that when he was younger and that he could kind of understand why my ex did it. How much pressure would it take before he reverted to that kind of behaviour again?
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Old 31st August 2010, 08:43 AM   #5
Raymond
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Re: 6 months out

It is interesting that you quote that bit about building on a solid rock Elaine. These are the words of Jesus who compared building on sand to that of building upon a rock. That rock is Jesus and His words. You cannot do any better than giving your life to Him and asking Him in to your life. He is the one who is totally trustworthy and out of that strength you will have hope to live every day without fear.

Raymond
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Old 31st August 2010, 08:51 AM   #6
chosen
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Re: 6 months out

elaine
I dont know how time can heal but it does believe me. Its only been 6 months since you broke up, thats nothing, but as I said, and as Helen said, you have gone into this new relationship far too soon. You need far more time to heal and let go of the hurt and resentment that you feel towards him, and all men.
Also you are right in that women can be just a bad as some men. I know plenty of women who have had affairs, left their spouses, treated them badly, including my husbands ex, so its not just some men who do this.

You will look back and realise that you have healed and accepted what happened, but now its still early days.

Also, as Raymond said, God is the only one who will never hurt us or let us down in the end, and even though I am now married to a lovely good man, he is only human, and all of us hurt people at times, whether we mean to or not. I have learnt that I cannot expect any one person to meet all of my needs or give me all of the security that I need. It just isnt fair on that person, thats why I try to lean on God more and not expect my husband to be everything to me.

Last edited by chosen; 31st August 2010 at 09:00 AM.
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Old 31st August 2010, 12:52 PM   #7
Raymond
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Re: 6 months out

The more I lean on God the more He tells me to love my wife.

Raymond
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Old 31st August 2010, 01:02 PM   #8
Helen_uk
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Re: 6 months out

Time heals because it gives us space to look at ourselves and our needs and to come to terms with things that happen.

Just a thought but have you ever considered counselling ?

I think you've gotten into a pattern of negative thinking , sometimes depression can cause this, sometimes it's a reaction to things happening in our lives. There are ways of getting past this, with help and learning ways of turning negative thought patterns into positive ones.

Your trust has been shattered and you've now transferred that onto the new man , to me that indicates you're not ready to be in a serious relationship.

It feels like the whole foundation of your world has been shaken when something like this happens , and you feel yourself doubting everyone . I know that feeling well. You also start to wonder if you can trust your own judgement , I mean you didn't see it coming right ? So how can you trust your own instincts ? It follows then that if that's the case , it could so easily happen again ....How would you know ?

Taking time out lets you sort things in your own mind, without having to hurt someone or worry about their feelings... Basically it's time set aside just for you.
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Old 31st August 2010, 01:55 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: 6 months out

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
The more I lean on God the more He tells me to love my wife.

Raymond
yes that true, the more we lean on Him, the better spouse we can be.
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Old 4th September 2010, 08:16 PM   #10
elaine1856
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Posts: 6
Re: 6 months out

Thank you all for your help and for not judging the bitterness! I'm very up and down still and the evenings always seem to be the worst. I think I will look into counselling. I went to a few sessions when it all happened. It was ok but it was mostly her asking me questions to which i didn't really know the answer, like what did i want! I think I'll have to try it though because I really don't want to break up with this guy. I went and fell for him even though i really really didn't intend to... But the longer I'm with him the more I'm going to worry about how it's going to end. And I know that however understanding he might be, this stuff is something i can only sort out for myself.
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