Husband doesn't want sex

[Raymond]

No she hasn't yet but they obviously decided to let it happen if it did. They have to work out things regarding her qualification but I think she is set on being a doctor from when she was a little girl.

These are solo things usually done in secret but can have a big affect on intimacy as it is really a mental adultery.

Are you serious? I would not go that far, it can be a very personal thing and I would not say its anywhere near adultery...

You would say it rises to the level of adultery if all intimacy in the marriage stops as he uses that method alone. Many men do just that.

There can be a sexless marriage for years. That behavior is baffling and addictive and responsible for the loss of intimacy in countless marriages.

[Raymond]

I know 1okgal is right. We have seen many instances of it on here alone. It is a question of degree and what is actually happening in the mind but yes I would say it can be mental adultery. If Jesus said that whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery in his heart then surely that is happening in porn.

I am certain that is happening when a man purposely seeks it as a sexual outlet.

Also in solo mb if a man is capable of strong fantasy then this can happen as well and porn is often used to supplement this. Again it isn't the actual mb but what is happening in the mind with other people or fantasies. If it is about your spouse and they are away then of course that is different.

[Molly]

I agree with Raymond. From honeymoon 3 years ago I knew something was wrong, having waited for marriage with my husband to have sex and him hardly able to wait before we got married, to hardly desiring sex after we were married?? I knew something was very wrong. At the end of our first year of marriage I caught him with pornography, and found out he spent up to 4 hours a day with it - no wonder there was nothing left for me. I was horrified and broken. But after "rocking himself" with his laptop in hand as he begged me not to take it away, I realised how deep the problem was. Now it's 2 years later, he has been in counselling for all this time, and yet he still hardly wants to be intimate. It seems he could go on forever this way. I look after myself, I am 6 years younger than him and very open to exploring in a biblical way, and yet he still denies me. He swears it is no longer because of the pornography, yet he has no protection on his iphone or laptop and works from home. I desperately want to believe him but I struggle to understand how someone who clearly had no problem with lust and masturbation, has "switched" his desires off now...because if it's hardly happening with me, then that would have to be true... I struggle with the lies and the infidelity...yes that is how i see it...if your partner is finding sexual satisfaction outside of your marriage, it is most definitely adultery - this is according to God's Word. It is also exactly how I feel in my heart about it, like I am being cheated on over and over. I don't know what to do sometimes ..

[chosen]

Molly I am so sorry for what you are facing. I would suggest asking God to make it clear what you are to do now. Is your husband having Christian counselling? Do you think that some marriage counselling may help?

[Raymond]

Seems to me that he was already addicted before he was married.The symptoms you describe Molly are well known. I agree with what you say. In these cases the normal sexual drive is diverted to the screen. Kind of like mental adultery.

If he has really been delivered of it all it will still take time for the normal sexual intimacy to return. It seems to be a massive fight for people to be delivered. It shows how nasty it is and where it is coming from. Talk about kill, steal and destroy.

If it is christian counseling as Chosen mentioned they will be able to look at the unseen part of it and deal with that as well. If he is willing to fight in Christ he will win and your marriage will blossom.

[Forever]

Hi Molly,
Unfortunately, Christian counseling can only tell your husband the "wrong" of it...but not the way out...just the same as secular counselors are limited to understanding the power this holds over those who indulge. So much "play back" is going on in their heads that it would take decades to rid themselves of it because we live in a loose culture which feeds them more images to feast their eyes and imaginations on. You could put them on a deserted island and the mental play back would still be there for years.

Even Christian men have a horrible battle with this because even if they are not using the computer any more, they are viewing live women they see in every day life with the same eyes...capturing a woman's essence and then importing them mentally when they are being intimate with their wives. You know how women dress and act in our culture today...so it is always there.

Honest to God, I think I would rather NOT have sex with a husband at all who is thinking of someone else during those moments, and would be thanking God that I could be spared being used in that manner. It is the ultimate in degradation to be wondering if his libido is being sparked into life by the lustful images he is thinking about regarding another woman's attributes...while using me as a receptacle to "finish".

The other problem is that if there is masterbation...the men become desensitized to the real thing because it does not feel as "intense"...they know exactly how to stimulate themselves to orgasm manually in a way that a vagina simply cannot. Add to that, many men want to do perverted things they see online, and a wife would be shocked to find out what floats their husbands boats...such as anal sex ect. Exchanging the natural use for the unnatural...and what you end up with is men who have a problem maintaining an erection when performing normally.

It is bad enough to realize that the average wife cannot live up to the images their husband sees...and so it is no wonder why their men are not interested. That is like offering a man a junker car after he has been "driving" an expensive race car for so long. They are never the same after entering into that world...and neither is the wife, unless she can get her womanly validation from what God thinks of her...or unfortunately, from what compliments she may get from other men (who may be lusting also).

Only God can unchain a man's MIND (the "organ" that stirs up sexual desire in the first place) from this long after the "watching" of porn has ceased...but I have NEVER heard of one for whom He has done that for yet (but they are not likely going to talk about it even if He did anyway). "Oh honey I think I have it under control finally...I saw the sexiest woman a couple weeks ago...she was certainly every man's wet dream, but I never gave her a single thought"! Yeah? Then why are you talking about her now? Pffft.

Do you ever wonder why there is not going to be sex in Heaven? I for one am thrilled to know that.

[Raymond]

I disagree that Christian counseling can only show that something is wrong and not the way out. There is christian counseling and christian counseling. I do know of those who have overcome this problem in Christ even though it was a battle. Is scripture lying when it says that we always have the victory in Christ Jesus? You are right when you say that people don't want to advertise that they were into it. If you don't feed it it will surely weaken. In a way it is the same as any other besetting sin in that we battle with it and win through by God's grace. One of the things that is a help I think is understanding the demonic behind it. With that knowledge will come a right fear of God that doesn't want to touch it. I know of some who were into porn who practice looking into the eyes of their wives when coming together. They understand what the battle is and are having victory.

Having said that sex is good and given by God. It is the abuse and perversion of it that is the problem. I am not perfect but I have never ever been conscious of another woman apart from my wife in the bedroom. I am sure there are thousands and even millions like me. For us it is part of relationship and adds a certain excitement to the marriage which I believe God intended. I can be tempted and was when a girl exposed herself to me in a swimming pool shower not so long ago, but that was a blip in the long term scheme of things.

If there is no hope of healing why are we wasting out time on here just talking against it? I have to disagree. There is abundant healing in Christ when we are repentant humble and ready to receive His healing and mercy.

[Forever]

Hi Raymond,
Without exception, from the Christian SA forums I read regarding this subject...men there always speak of falling back into lust after weeks or months of "victory". They read books about "bouncing the eyes" (I have read them too) when someone desirable comes into view in everyday life, and still find themselves importing those images into their bedroom during their intimate times.
They have not been taught to just STOP what they are doing...walk away, even if it means ruining a love making session with their wives. Maybe you hit on something big when you mentioned that such a man should be looking with eyes open at his wife instead of being in the dark with his eyes closed...I guess to be consciencely aware of "who he is with" rather than letting his imagination be open to the enemy. That may actually work if a man wants it to!

Since you were never caught up into porn, you may have no idea of what they are dealing with...though just by being a man, you can probably understand the idea. Seeing that woman in the showers was nothing compared to all that they have exposed themselves to....and the impact of it both physically, emotionally, and spiritually over the years.

What I was trying to depict was the fact that counselors do not give these men the right "tools" needed to fight this to victory...that can only come from God. Yes, they get the Scriptures...but it seems they do not get the tools, or do not really want to impliment them when they should. The tools they get are comparable to trying to scrub a floor with a tooth brush...

I have no problem believing Scripture about the victory found in Christ...what I do have a problem with...(actually, what the men have a problem with), is that they don't seem to be prepared for the unexpected power that overtakes them at any given moment in situations where they cannot turn away from, let's say, a female customer or someone with whom they must interact.

They are aware of what is happening, but still do not have the necessary tools to deal with it internally on the spot...and too often take that "interaction" home with them.

Maybe the problem is that these men are not desperate enough to go to God during the moment they start the fantacizing or when those thoughts pop into their minds during intimate times with their wives. What I mean by desperate is that they dont really see the enemy behind the scenes, and so just think each situation is just an option to fight or fancy...hence, they dont KEEP their victory.

This is not to say they are going to hell over it...it is just a life long battle that I (personally) have never heard of anyone actually winning for very long.

It may be different if a man has NOT dabbled for years with porn and masterbation...or frequented strip clubs or had plenty of casual sex on the side. These are the men I am speaking of. They would have to be willing to greatly restrict themselves as well as many of their freedoms that we all take for granted in order to stop this insidious play back.

These men who say they want victory continue to go to SA meetings for decades...why are they still going there confessing their "slip ups" if they were serious about their Victory? Does it just become a social gathering or something? A club of some sort? Something to do to placate their wives or give them the feeling that they are actually taking back ground from the enemy? Or worse, could some of them be living "vicariously" through the screw-ups of those who fall...like watching a juicy movie, it was not "their" own screw up so it does not count?

Yes, they have remorse...but that is not enough to help them on a everyday basis.

That's why I said that only God can release them from this sin...and from the pull of the temptations that come their way. They need to clearly see the offense for what it really is from His vantage point...and the enemy in operation in the women they view.

When a woman appears in front of them showing off cleavage or worse...they need to view her as a tool of the enemy, rather than just an innocent attractive woman who tantalizes them.

In this culture, women know EXACTLY what they are doing when they get dressed...

[chosen]

AS Raymond says, there is Christian counseling and there is Christian counselling.The type that helps the most is the sort of 'Prayer ministry' where God leads it, and He also reveals things that need sorting and healing power is at work. There have been many many cases where Christians have been set from addictions such as drugs instantly.

Ministries like Ellel minsitries in the UK run many different healing courses such as ones for porn users that have amazing results. God is all powerful and counselling alone rarely helps.

Things like bouncing the eyes can be very useful for many men. Its becomes a habbit after a while. What we also have to remember is that spirits are involed in these things, and they too need to be dealt with properly or they remain.

[Raymond]

Yes people do get completely delivered from porn. I heard of one who became a prophet later on. He was quite open about being delivered from porn. We are going to see many like that I think.

Forever I have not led the clean life you imagine but I won't mention it on here. I have not always been a christian you know. I suppose at that time there wasn't the porn as we know it now but I could shock you if I chose to. What saved me going further was a lack of confidence and there being no computers with it on. Nowadays we are facing an onslaught.

Someone called David Wilkerson prophesied in Britain apparently, could be in the sixties, that there was going to be a flood of pornography as we have never known it. He mentioned a scripture about a flood coming out of the dragons mouth to try and drown the woman about to conceive. I often think of that. The scripture may not mean porn but I find it very helpful to believe that it was.

You are right Forever, I think, that only God can deliver from this stuff. We have places here as Chosen has mentioned and I am sure you have places over there in the States. As you said one has to really have the desire to be free and get hold of the spiritual aspects to it too.

[Rivergirl]

I have not been married quite a year,Our sex life took a huge nose dive about 9 months ago.He had test ran and his testosterone levels are fine.Now I just feel like he is not attracted to me like he was.He tells me all the time how much he loves me and is a very caring husband.But this has bout destroyed the way I feel about our marriage. We went from a fantastic sexual life to ,if i am in a revealing type top or put on a new bikini ,I can tell it doesnt do a thing for him ,I am so hurt.I am seriously heart sick.on top of that I moved a couple hours away from all I know to marry him,I am lonely in this.I hated my job,I just quit.I couldn't deal with all of this at the same time.I get what the woman said of she felt like she had been cheated on by NOBODY.He is a great guy.But it like,where the heck did it go?I am not even sure I can recover.When he does does make advances now,I feel like he is only do it to appease me.When he copliments my body ,It doesn't feel real.It feels forced.I am not over weight.I am 5 feet tall and weigh 102 pounds .I have large breast. so i don't get it.men are the one suppose to want it more.He is NOT cheating.But I wonder if he has a secret porn addiction.We have seperate laptops .sos I can't even check.I am devastated to know we have only been together 3 years ,married less than a year,and this has blind sighted me.I see him look at other women though ,especially the young ones,20 something year olds.I dress very well,Can't turn his head anymore.Bout to give up.

[Raymond]

mm it could be anyone of a number of things Rivergirl. Porn would fit the bill if it was that. It would be worth checking on. If he is a christian he will know that is wrong.

Sometimes it is just mb and fantasies. Some men are able to do this without assistance. That would be wrong as well if it was diverting the normal sexual drive away from you. You are his wife and sex only belongs in marriage. I have a friend who shared with me about this problem. I told him you are defrauding your wife.

Regarding the tosterone test. Did you arrange this together? Did he give any reason. It's just that to have a tosterone test shows that someone is trying?

I read that porn featured in 50% of divorces. That is pretty high. I think that has increased since that time. People seem to have lost the idea of purity within a marriage these days.

Try and check the porn first to see if it is that. If you don't let on signs should show up sooner or later. I don't believe it is anything to do with you. It is just that in these days temptation in that area is like a flood but that doesn't change what the scripture says.

[Rivergirl]

You know he really is a great guy.And he says he truly loves me.I just don't understand how things could change so fast overnight. When we dated he would joke and say he was a sexual freak. I have done just about everything he has asked me to do.I dress sexy for him.As he always told me if I wanted to keep his attention wear a short skirt and heels.I am not over weight at all.I exercise.I cater to him in many ways.He also caters to me in many ways ,is very sweet and thoughtful.Somehow I have just lost my allure to him. our first wedding anniversary is the end of July.You can understand why i am so heartbroken. Not that our whole relationship is based on our sex life.But it sure played a big part of our love and life.I can't even snoop to see if he is on porn.We have seperate laptops and he takes his to work.This has all but devestated me.My self confidence that I had a major supply of is being depleted.I just turned 50.That doesn't make things any easier when I know his head is turned by the much younger ones.The twenty somethings.I have had plenty of men compliment me.Flirt with me.Just this weekend at the campground had a twenty year old say,Hey mama.You been having fun up here this weekend.Made me feel good.But seeing we have only been married a short time I am very afraid this will get worse .