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Old 17th December 2011, 11:37 PM   #61
Helen_uk
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

I think you may be right , but that will be a long process and with quite a few knock backs I imagine. If it's that deeply embedded it's going to be an uphill battle.

Perhaps ( and I know it's difficult ) you could try not to get defensive , keep up the affection and hope that her hormones calm down .

Come the new year , if she does manage to find a business that interests her , you may find being busy will take her mind off of trying to change you and onto something more constructive .
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Old 17th December 2011, 11:46 PM   #62
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Incompatible - I think this is the thing we need to open up and talk about. The deeper nature of this conflict lies herein, I suspect.

To me, compatibility is a deep thing, not a surface accord. It is based on love and mutual respect. If she were as willing to allow me my individuality as I am for her, there would be no incompatibility. So I think we need to talk about this whenever she feels we are incompatible.

Last edited by Bellx15; 17th December 2011 at 11:54 PM.
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Old 17th December 2011, 11:48 PM   #63
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
I think you may be right , but that will be a long process and with quite a few knock backs I imagine. If it's that deeply embedded it's going to be an uphill battle.

Perhaps ( and I know it's difficult ) you could try not to get defensive , keep up the affection and hope that her hormones calm down .

Come the new year , if she does manage to find a business that interests her , you may find being busy will take her mind off of trying to change you and onto something more constructive .
Quite so, and it might even alleviate her sense of need to focus on controlling me. If she visibly starts to achieve something important to her, she doesn't need to depend on how successful we look as a couple.
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Old 18th December 2011, 10:48 AM   #64
Chamomile
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellx15 View Post


I still find it hard to comprehend, but there it is. I agreed that I need to try it out.
Hi

I wasn't criticizing your Wife's "materialism". In fact, I'm not even sure if that would be the correct term to describe it. I would say, she takes pride in her own appearance and she generally looks after herself, right? That's probably a middle-class attitude to things. She sounds like a well adjusted woman who has ambitions e.g. her business and this type of woman does tend to dress smart because it's important for her business e.g. her own image and she's a very sociable person. I don't think this is anything unusual.. In fact, many men would envy you that you have such a lovely Wife who makes effort.

We all like something nice, let's be frank about it. Both men and women.
You have discussed her background. I haven't heard yours yet I don't think it would be so unusual for a women to fancy a man who looks smart? Whatever her reason is, if she wants "you" to look smart, then you might want to show her that you appreciated her comments and you cared about what she said.
Maybe, you two, could go shopping together? If this is so important for her, you might want to make some minor adjustments to please her if you're a caring and loving husband. I'm sure she will respond to your loving gesture, positively.

If you try to disagree less and if you try to act on what has been commented more then she will start to soften and she may feel cared. You may want to stop criticizing her deep love for her daughter. If you show interest in her "feelings" more without any hint of criticism, then I'm sure she will appreciate that. Women do expect men to support her emotionally. After all, her daughter will always be her baby to your Wife..their relationship is extra special. It could be that she both survived in former USSA together, they may have a deeper, emotional connection.

If she needs some repair work done around the house, best to carry these out promptly because she may think you don't love her that much if you wouldn't and that's not going to help.

If you have certain things "you" enjoy doing with her, then do these things as well as what she normally enjoys. She might want to try other activities as well as her usual social "Cheshire" circuits that you're not so crazy about. (I don't blame you...) *Pat on your back*

xx
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Old 18th December 2011, 11:42 AM   #65
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Yes, as I was already realising, 'materialism' is a bit misleading. It is her focus on appearances, rather than underlying values, that I was referring to. I think the task in hand is to do what is possible to open up those underlying values.

Your comments about making compromises (allowing her to dress me, in effect) jar violently with me, because of my nature, but I do understand what you are saying. My friend M has said this too. However, he did say that simply opening myself to suggestions, listening to her dress-related thoughts, should have an effect. I am pretty scruffy, though. I just dislike dressing smartly.

Many thanks for your thoughts.

BTW My wife is, indeed, a 'class act'. Many men do envy me, but (a) I am better looking and more intelligent and sensitive than them, so I think they would be envying above their station*, and (b) they don't know what it is like being married to her. So when reflecting on the envy of others, I think it is important to get the whole picture.

* I am not really that arrogant. Just trying to be humorous!

Last edited by Bellx15; 18th December 2011 at 11:48 AM.
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Old 18th December 2011, 12:26 PM   #66
Helen_uk
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

I just wonder how your wife would react Bell if you were to tell her to dress differently ?

It's difficult for me to comprehend because I'm not the type of woman who tries to change people. I can't see the point of falling in love with someone and then setting about moulding them into my idea of an ideal.

I can kind of see why it feels important to her given her cultural back ground , but unless you've suddenly turned into a slob who walks round in your P J's all day ( in other words you now differ totally to the man she married ) , I can't see why she now wants to change you ?
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Old 18th December 2011, 01:44 PM   #67
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

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Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
I just wonder how your wife would react Bell if you were to tell her to dress differently ?

It's difficult for me to comprehend because I'm not the type of woman who tries to change people. I can't see the point of falling in love with someone and then setting about moulding them into my idea of an ideal.

I can kind of see why it feels important to her given her cultural back ground , but unless you've suddenly turned into a slob who walks round in your P J's all day ( in other words you now differ totally to the man she married ) , I can't see why she now wants to change you ?
To the first question, she would say that she already dresses well, so doesn't need to change. Over the past ten years I have gently intimated to her that the Russian requirement that every woman turns out even at Tesco looking like a rich catwalk deva is 'not quite so rigid' over here. She has managed to adapt slightly, although going out to see friends brings it all back again. I don't complain. I say she looks wonderful and leave it at that. Her daughter cannot leave the house over here without "a full three hours in makeup."

No, I haven't become worse. Better, if anything, although I am still 'very casual'. Women who immigrate from the soviet block take a while to find their feet here, but I suppose that when they start to own the place they expect their husbands to reflect that. I must be holding her back on the power-dress front.

Can you see why I dig my heels in?
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Old 18th December 2011, 01:47 PM   #68
Helen_uk
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

I wasn't suggesting you SHOULD tell her to dress differently, or even that she needs to... Just wondered what her reaction would be if you told her to..... It sounds like her ideas and thoughts are very rigid. and that perhaps makes her a little uptight ?
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Old 18th December 2011, 01:57 PM   #69
chosen
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

I agreew with Helen here, why is it that some women marry a guy and spend the rest of their married life trying to change them!!!Its crazy. Why did they marry them in the first place if they didnt like them? My husband had this is his first marriage, 23 years of her trying to make him into the type of man who he never was and never will be.She wanted him to do everything that she did and like everything that she liked. Its horrible for the one who feel unaccepted. Isnt the whole point that we accept and love our spouses as they are????Discontentment with our spouse isnt a good thing at all.

How awful that her daughter feels that she cant go out without spending hours on make up. I think thats so sad.
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Old 18th December 2011, 02:11 PM   #70
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helen_uk View Post
I wasn't suggesting you SHOULD tell her to dress differently, or even that she needs to... Just wondered what her reaction would be if you told her to..... It sounds like her ideas and thoughts are very rigid. and that perhaps makes her a little uptight ?
Of course. I didn't think you were
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Old 18th December 2011, 02:14 PM   #71
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I agreew with Helen here, why is it that some women marry a guy and spend the rest of their married life trying to change them!!!Its crazy. Why did they marry them in the first place if they didnt like them? My husband had this is his first marriage, 23 years of her trying to make him into the type of man who he never was and never will be.She wanted him to do everything that she did and like everything that she liked. Its horrible for the one who feel unaccepted. Isnt the whole point that we accept and love our spouses as they are????Discontentment with our spouse isnt a good thing at all.

How awful that her daughter feels that she cant go out without spending hours on make up. I think thats so sad.
It is partly about the way we set up together. She came over on a visa, and we had to get married to secure a permanent one. Under those conditions you don't really fall in love before you marry.

Re. fashion. Yes, but that is how they are brought up in the USSR.

Last edited by Bellx15; 18th December 2011 at 02:23 PM.
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Old 18th December 2011, 02:25 PM   #72
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
I agreew with Helen here, why is it that some women marry a guy and spend the rest of their married life trying to change them!!!Its crazy. Why did they marry them in the first place if they didnt like them? My husband had this is his first marriage, 23 years of her trying to make him into the type of man who he never was and never will be.She wanted him to do everything that she did and like everything that she liked. Its horrible for the one who feel unaccepted. Isnt the whole point that we accept and love our spouses as they are????Discontentment with our spouse isnt a good thing at all.

.
Therein lies the 'incompatibility'. He won't be the person she demands him to be.
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Old 18th December 2011, 03:06 PM   #73
chosen
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellx15 View Post
It is partly about the way we set up together. She came over on a visa, and we had to get married to secure a permanent one. Under those conditions you don't really fall in love before you marry.

Re. fashion. Yes, but that is how they are brought up in the USSR.
Forgive me for asking, but why did you marry a lady who you didnt love and didnt know very well? Wasnt that asking for trouble? Isnt getting married just to get a visa bound to cause trouble?

Last edited by chosen; 18th December 2011 at 05:16 PM.
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Old 18th December 2011, 06:02 PM   #74
Chamomile
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Hi Guys (or "ladies", Chosen, Helen & Bell xx)

What I was saying, it won't hurt to make a thoughtful gesture of trying to dress a little differently if it's upsetting her so much. I wasn't saying he ought to dress in Armani suits every single day..
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Old 18th December 2011, 06:19 PM   #75
Chamomile
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

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Originally Posted by Bellx15 View Post
Therein lies the 'incompatibility'. He won't be the person she demands him to be.
Hi

Well, whether you like it or not, you might need to make some adjustment if you want to keep her happy and you want to stay married with her? There's no other way as far as I can see. She has this big M at the moment and her tolerance threshold has somewhat lowered than before by the sound of it..At least, however, she is HONEST about how she's been feeling about the way you are and you know exactly where you stand.

I agree with Helen and I appreciate that it is kind of humiliating that she is spelling out that you don't dress very smart... So I can see where you're coming from and your ego is getting bruised etc.

So I take it you're not from Cheshire, where are you originally from if you don't mind me asking this? We heard enough about her but not much about you?

Isn't that so interesting that this incompatibility between you and her, has become such an issue ONLY recently...Do you think she might be contemplating that her daughter should be coming back to live closer to her and to help her business in UK?
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