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Old 14th October 2011, 10:22 AM   #1
Bellx15
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Menopause advice needed!

Hi everyone -

I'll keep this simple. My wife of ten years has been going through a fairly severe menopause for about a year or so now, and is feeling pretty terrible for a lot of the time. The most persistent problem is the hot / cold flashes, which seem to go on almost continually.. Then there are the crying bouts, when in her eyes I become a monster. She accuses me of all kinds of things that just aren't true. It is as if she is talking about someone else entirely. There is no intimacy, she is constantly annoyed or irritated with me for trivia, and when I ask her whether she is still able to show me any affection, she says no.

Now I have some standards of my own. The one that comes into focus under these circumstances is that if my partner feels no affection for me at all there is no point in being together.

It is difficult to know, though, exactly how much of what I am seeing and hearing now is just 'the menopause talking'. I am well aware that I always have irritated or frustrated her on certain issues, but now she is in the big M I don't know how seriously to take her total emotional withdrawal. She says it isn't the menopause - it's me!

So I have told her that although I do sympathise with the unpleasant symptoms she is having, I really don't see that she would sit there and watch her marriage dissolve unless it was a lot more than just M-symptoms. I am at that point where for the sake of my own self-respect I need to decide what to do. I need someone else's perspective.

Thanks.
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Old 14th October 2011, 04:07 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

I think she needs to go and see her doctor. There is lots of help that she can have to relieve the symptoms. I am on hrt (patches) and they have been brilliant.
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Old 14th October 2011, 05:39 PM   #3
Chamomile
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellx15 View Post

It is difficult to know, though, exactly how much of what I am seeing and hearing now is just 'the menopause talking'. I am well aware that I always have irritated or frustrated her on certain issues, but now she is in the big M I don't know how seriously to take her total emotional withdrawal. She says it isn't the menopause - it's me!

I need to decide what to do. I need someone else's perspective.

Thanks.
Hi

What sort of issues/habits which irritated or frustrated your wife?

If she needs some space, you may need to give it to her? Do you have any children who are leaving home? Once children are grown, I hear, sometimes, certain marital crisis might develop.

You should certainly talk to her if she says it's not M and it's you? I must admit, I'd love to have advice regarding how not to be irritated by annoying habits myself. lol
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Old 14th October 2011, 07:42 PM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

I think you ought to bear with her until she is through it all personally. She is obviously having a rough time. By all means get the help that she needs as well but I think it is a time to put up with her and love her, not forgetting to get good breaks for yourself so that you don't go under with it. I am sure she will thank you for it one day and you would have saved the marriage.
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Old 15th October 2011, 11:23 AM   #5
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Thanks, everyone.

It's a difficult dilemma - if I stay and support her through the next 1 - 10 years of misery, will I genuinely be helping her through the unpleasant effects of her menopause, or will I be cow-towing to what she would be demanding of me anyway? It's very difficult to see the facts here.

The point is that I don't have the most resilient self-esteem as it is, and when it gets to the point where I think I am being quite simply abused I feel the need to reassess what I am doing here. If I endure this for the next N years, she might well come out of the other end of it and thank me for saving our marriage. On the other hand it might turn out that I was cow-towing to a control freak who had me exactly where she wanted me. If that happened, I would not feel very good about it, to say the least.

It's really hard to know how much of this is M and how much of it is hard-wired hostility and control.
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Old 15th October 2011, 11:31 AM   #6
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Hi

What sort of issues/habits which irritated or frustrated your wife?

If she needs some space, you may need to give it to her? Do you have any children who are leaving home? Once children are grown, I hear, sometimes, certain marital crisis might develop.

You should certainly talk to her if she says it's not M and it's you? I must admit, I'd love to have advice regarding how not to be irritated by annoying habits myself. lol
Yes, her daughter (28 yo) has just got married and now lives in Ukraine, their home country. She (mother) has always been controlling in the extreme, coupled with unmoderated devotion, so I think she is suffering from a sense of loss there. That, combined with my obvious disapproval of the way her daughter has behaved on occasions, and more generally the neurotic intensity of their mother-daughter bond, must have put up her defences.

Habits: Just generally cleanliness and tidiness around the house, my not socialising with some of her friends, that sort of thing. That hasn't deteriorated over the past ten years; I'd say it has improved. I go shopping, vacuum the house, do the dishes, occasionally wash floors, have a bath every day, so I'm not an out and out slob by a long way.
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Old 15th October 2011, 11:59 AM   #7
Chamomile
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Hi Bellx

Sounds like you are a good, attentive, caring husband.

Your w sounds like my mother!

I do so sympathize. Your w would probably need something to fill the void. Sounds more like she's currently grieving the loss of what she had nurtured over so these years..... Encourage her to write to her daughter, phone her regularly might help stabilize her mood and irritability? To your wife, this change has been very tough, more than anyone would realize. Her anger may have been internalized rather than expressed in a healthy way.

There are quite a few publications re. women's issues when children fly off the nest. She probably need to be physically active, doing her exercises to burn off negative emotions she's been experiencing and stay spiritually in touch being part of local activity group which understands her situation etc etc. It helped my mother anyway....she even managed to land on her second career later in her life eventually, which kept her busy and distracted.

These women tend to be quite intelligent and they have abundant interest in something they like to keep focusing on and consequently they also notice things more e.g. hyper-sensitive? If she keeps telling you re. your irritating habits, perhaps you can try to control these in the meantime when her tolerance threshold is rather quite low at the moment...(if you can..) It's best not to over-focus on her negative behaviour. Find yourself something interesting to do and show care and affections without getting quickly frustrated... She will eventually recover when you're much happier and supportive.

Good luck!
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Old 15th October 2011, 02:39 PM   #8
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

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Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Hi Bellx
Encourage her to write to her daughter, phone her regularly might help stabilize her mood and irritability? To your wife, this change has been very tough, more than anyone would realize.

Good luck!
Many thanks for your thoughtful reply.

I have to laugh, though. She phones her daughter for at least an hour every day. She has done so for the past ten years.

I didn't explain that my wife came over to the UK to live with me ten years ago, but her daughter stayed behind to complete her education. She now has a PhD (as do I) and has married and settled in Ukraine.
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Old 16th October 2011, 06:58 AM   #9
chosen
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Suggest that she sees her GP.
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Old 16th October 2011, 02:56 PM   #10
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Suggest that she sees her GP.
I'm afraid she has already done that, but is not prepared to go back again. To be honest, I can't blame her. The only realistic approach would be HRT, as far as I can see, and I wouldn't be able to push that with a clear conscience.

It is completely obvious to me that she is depressed and feeling crappy with the M. But it is the world that is wrong, specifically me, rather than her chemical state. There seems to be no way to penetrate that.

So we have been happily married for nine years, sleeping in separate rooms for the tenth, and even though this change coincides with the M onset and her depression (not acknowledged), it is me who is the problem. Nothing about her.

Looks like it's about to fold ... I feel utterly ****.
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Old 16th October 2011, 05:05 PM   #11
chosen
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

What did the doctor say?. I had to go ont hrt after having a fairly early hysterectomy. It is very good. If she has the patches, then she will only need very small doses unlike the tablets. All it does is replace what the body has stopped making. I cant understand why she would want to suffer like this,and make you suffer, when there are things that can be done. At least then you will know whether it is the hormones or not. The menopause can bring on bad despression. It has happened to women I know.
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Old 16th October 2011, 05:20 PM   #12
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

The doctor only prescribed her something for her migraines - which happened to be Amitriptyline (anti-depressant). The HRT has had a bad press, and I wouldn't feel comfortable persuading her to do something that might have health risks. It would have to be her choice.

The real problem about seeing the doctor is that she already thinks that our relationship is the problem. How can the doctor change our relationship? Logical, isn't it?
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Old 16th October 2011, 08:13 PM   #13
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

She is prepared to consider patches.

Progress?
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Old 13th December 2011, 11:03 AM   #14
Bellx15
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

If anyone who feels they can help me would care to review the thread so far ... I think that would be helpful.

Well, my wife started using natural progesterone cream some few weeks ago, and in general it appears to have had some beneficial effects. Certainly her moods have evened out noticeably, although she still gets the flashes.

I am completely at a loss here. I just don't know what to make of the situation. You could easily think things were fairly normal; to an outsider we would appear to be so. People say what a lovely couple we make. It's just that there is something missing; love and affection. We have no physical relationship at all.

In general I put no pressure or expectation on her for any physical closeness or affection. Just last night, however, I made the slightest gesture by gently wrapping one arm around her back as we were doing things in the kitchen. No response at all. Feeling that I am nearing the end of my endurance now, I just had to say something. I said "Do you actually understand that when I do this (gentle embrace) I am always hoping that you will show me some affection?"

She stopped and thought for a moment, and then said "no, I don't." I'm sorry, but that has to be false, surely?

But then we got into conversation about it, and she started to cover the above lie by turning attention immediately to our alleged 'incompatibility'. This is always where we end up. We are just incompatible.

So here is the confusion. I have three apparently independent factors to understand. The question is quite simply "Why do you show me no affection?"

The answers range from:

1. My hormones. I feel terrible and just want to roll up in a ball. But of course, only when I am around. She is fine both at work and out with friends.

2. We are incompatible: She likes to socialise and party (aged 51), I don't. She likes to visit her friends, I don't. I don't dress smartly enough for her. She feels uncomfortable with me when we are out. Other husbands do this, or that,.. but not me. etc.

3. Specific resentments: I didn't treat her 28yo daughter with sufficient care and consideration when she was over here for four months last year. Actually I got angry with my wife at that time when she started blaming me for upsetting her daughter (by offering to discuss her relationship problem). I don't do jobs around the house even when I know they need to be done , I get irritable at stupid television programmes that she seems happy to digest on drip every evening.... and so on.

So from all of that, what is the simple answer to my original question?

"Why do you show me no affection?"

It looks like we are going to be getting into divorce talks again, probably this evening. I feel utterly confused and powerless to manage this. I don't want to end our 10-year + marriage. I just want some affection.

What would be the best approach? Any insights or suggestions would be welcome. If anyone feels I might be responsible for what is happening, please say so. Ask me about myself if it will throw light on the situation, and I will try to be honest in response.

Just as a final thought, I suppose this is my best attempt to put all of the above together:

My wife feels terrible, mostly as a result of her hormone imbalance - menopause. This makes her far more sensitive to things out in the world that bother her anyway. They all get magnified. Specifically, everything about me that has always grated with her to an extent has now become intolerable. So the answer to my question is that she cannot show me affection because she feels annoyed/angry with me (although this has been greatly magnified by her own hormone condition).

Make any sense? Am I just stating the completely obvious, and making heavy weather of it?

Last edited by Bellx15; 13th December 2011 at 11:33 AM.
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Old 13th December 2011, 12:08 PM   #15
Chamomile
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Re: Menopause advice needed!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellx15 View Post

I don't do jobs around the house even when I know they need to be done

"Why do you show me no affection?"
Hi

What sort of "jobs" around the house you wouldn't do? Cutting grass, painting, fixing things, that sort of thing?

Maybe, you're getting even by not doing these things for her lack of affection?

Maybe, she wants a divorce herself? It sounds like she's indifferent.

Sorry if this wasn't what you were looking for..
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